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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you deal with a Drama Llama?

32 replies

SoundsLikeALlama · 27/03/2023 13:54

It has only recently dawned on me that dp is a drama llama. I normally don't get involved in any of his personal life but lately, I am seeing more and more situations get completely out of hand, seemingly requiring him to be permanently on the phone with family/friends etc. Most of these situations, in my mind, are situations that could have been resolved simply and easily if everyone was honest and upfront with each other.

he's also just resigned from work - having been accused of something he definitely didn't do that was made up. He asked for my advice (I am a senior exec in a company), I gave it to him, he chose not to follow it and is now embroiled in a ridiculous dispute with them which is meaning he has endless calls with his co workers bitching and moaning about the situation rather than actually doing something to end it, most likely in his favour.

His whole family are like this too. I have no idea where they find the energy for it. I will continue to not get involved but if you have ever had a drama llama in your life, did it ever get better? Or am I destined to be stuck with this unless I choose not to be!

OP posts:
Feliciacat · 27/03/2023 13:56

Only you know what you can handle so I wouldn’t like to comment on whether to stay or not. He does sound like he will never change and he sounds like he doesn’t listen to you though. It sounds like you’re much more rational than him; must be frustrating for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/03/2023 13:59

Choose not to be stuck with such a person. You've already involved yourself by giving him advice. You need to completely detach from him.

Ask yourself why you are with him at all because all he has and will do here is drag you down with him. Its of no surprise that his family are the same; dysfunction like this can and does continue down the generations.

Original poster
SoundsLikeALlama · 27/03/2023 14:17

I genuinely don't think I noticed properly till now. I just thought he was a busy person. I'm a busy person but genuinely busy, not busy with drama!

I can see how this passes down in families. I don't know how people do it!

OP posts:
funnelfan · 27/03/2023 14:38

I have a drama llama in my extended family. Fine for me as I can mentally switch off and politely grey rock any conversations that start going that way and so we get on fine. For their spouse - not so good. It seems there always has to be a drama somewhere, and they’ve been known to manufacture a drama and suck in other people when life appears to be getting too quiet. Marriage not in a good place, unsurprisingly.

goldenotter · 27/03/2023 15:00

Unless he recognises this and is prepared to work on trying to change it I don't think you have a choice but to leave.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2023 15:07

If it was just being dramatic, I'd manage it with humour and sarcasm.

But he resigned his job FFS. That affects you. Time for a serious talk about how his is affecting your life.

And yes, FIL's GF is a DL. I manage it by avoiding her completely.

TempNCforthis · 27/03/2023 15:10

Do you still respect him? It would drive me bloody nuts! He won't change because he's obviously learned it from his family and he's happy with that. He's not taking any advice from you and that won't change either.

WalterWitty · 27/03/2023 15:11

It depends if they just enjoy the drama or create it. I have a relative who takes offence just to create drama it seems. Can’t stand it, we all avoid her

thenightsky · 27/03/2023 15:33

He resigned from his job over something he didn't do? That's crazy.

CurlewKate · 27/03/2023 15:47

If he has other redeeming features and doesn't involve you in his dramas, then just ignore them. If he doesn't, you really need to think about what you're getting out of this relationship.

Incidentally, I thought the thread said Dalai Lama for a moment-slightly disappointed it didn't.

LadyLolaRuben · 27/03/2023 16:01

I had this for three years. Didnt notice it at first. Then thought it was a bad run of luck. I eventually noticed it was my ex-partners' mindset and it wasn't going to change. As one issue resolved there was another. Sometimes I could predict the timings, such as on someones birthday for attention on him. It got to a point where I couldn't relax as I never knew what has happening next and how bad.

Leaving jobs etc OP will affect you. Its a case of deciding where your boundaries lie and how much disruption you're willing to accept. He won't change and in my experience it gets worse

Spottycarousel · 27/03/2023 16:31

Some people thrive on drama - it energises them. Sounds like your dp and his family are this type. I could never be around someone like it. Too exhausting.

Hoppinggreen · 27/03/2023 16:40

I had an ex who was like this, so was his family
Everyone else was an idiot, people were out to get them etc etc. They regularly tried to sue people/raise grievances at work and similar.
Bunch of muppets

PennyForearm · 27/03/2023 16:41

he's also just resigned from work - having been accused of something he definitely didn't do that was made up.

That's next level drama llama bullshit and I'll bet you don't even know half the story there.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/03/2023 17:05

I can not cope with people like this I find them exhausting so I just don't maintain relationships with them or avoid them as much as possible, my brother is like this, I have no time for him.

Bananalanacake · 27/03/2023 17:12

Is he looking for another job or expecting you to pay for everything

Turfwars · 27/03/2023 17:12

Have a think back and see if any important events of yours coincided with some drama he created.

How I deal with my own drama nightmares - I disengage. I keep them at arms length and don't get drawn into any comments with them as it only feeds it. I don't think I'd tolerate it in a partner.

Ooonafoo · 27/03/2023 17:19

One day this drama and histrionics will be focused on you.

Whats his relationship history?

Watchkeys · 27/03/2023 17:33

You are destined to be stuck with this unless you choose not to be.

Don't be with someone in a LTR if you want to change them. If you don't want him as he is, you don't want him.

RLEOM · 01/04/2023 00:30

Do not have a child with this man. If you two split up, it will be nothing but drama and headache. Trust me, I have the t-shirt.

GayforMoleman · 01/04/2023 00:55

Literally just ignore. Don’t feed the troll and all that. If you give them nothing they can't be fuelled.

Dery · 01/04/2023 09:42

As a PP said, some people thrive on this stuff - I tend to think it’s a sign of not having enough real stuff to think about. It’s very worrying that he’s given up a job over this, though. Victim thinking is very tiresome. And how easy will it be for him to find another job?

Zuffe · 01/04/2023 09:49

Haven’t read the full thread, but I normally bow, fold my hands together and say ‘Hello your Holiness’.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/04/2023 09:52

Do you have children together? If so do you want them to be like that? I find that sort of behaviour really attention seeking and high maintenance and honestly couldn't be doing with it if I had a choice.

Spanisheomellletttes · 01/04/2023 16:35

Is your DH self-aware? Is he introspective? If yes, have a conversation with him about it. Your DH is most likely unaware of what he is like and was probably raised this way.

My family is big on drama, and if there is none to be had, they cause it. I started my adult years off like this and, after some time, realised that it was a poor way to react to situations. I had to force myself to change but it is so much nicer without the drama.

My point - talk to him about it.