Mother/son enmeshment

[Indiechi]

I need as many opinions as possible on this as it is massively affecting my marriage - it’s along one but I need to set the context.

A bit of background; DH is an only child. He went to private school and hols/free time worked with his parents. He was brought up like a mini adult, given a car and taught to drive at 12, learnt electrics/building/pipe work etc.

Fast forward to uni, he went home to his parents every weekend instead of making friends/socialising with peers.

When we got together I already had 4 children from a previous relationship. His mother expected him to call without fail every day. One day, early in the relationship, he was at my house and the kids were playing in the background, his mother asked him why they were laughing at her and put the phone down on him. He then called her relentlessly til she answered. 🚩

Other things happened along the way but I just kind of overlooked them as them being close, one being that she told him explicitly about her gynaecology appointment/issues - he is a nurse but seriously, tmi. 🚩

Fast forward to more recent events. He is 43 and we have been married for 8 years. Last year dh’s father died so we spent a lot of time at the house. She has an enlarged, framed picture of him sitting in bed, shirtless, which she picked up in front of me and the kids (teens) kisses and says that he is her ‘sexy boy’. On another occasion she tried to give him a big silver necklace with a cross on (think ozzy osbourne) which he didn’t want, so she put it over his head and down under his T-shirt. She then lifted his shirt to see the cross, rubbed his chest and said to me “look at that sexy body”. He said nothing, just stood there.

On another day we were clearing out the loft crawl space and she said she could go in and get stuff - she hoisted her skirt up to her hips, got on all fours and crawled in - in full view of dh and I, not leaving much to the imagination.

The last thing I’ll add is when we went to see her because she had covid. She got out of bed in skimpy underwear, made no attempt to cover up and just walked around in front of us like it.

There are many more points to why I think this is an enmeshment issue but dh thinks I’m overreacting and they’re just close. Does this seem, just, wrong to anyone else or is he right and I need to back off?!

How old is the mother?

No it’s not normal, it’s sickening behaviour.

Definitely not normal. Your post sounds similar to my husband who I have long suspected some emeshment with his mum. She has also called him sexy (yuck!) made worse by the fact she started dating her nephew (husband’s cousin) for a few months and he was only a couple of years older than my husband. DH said as long as she was happy he was fine with it! 🤢🤮

All I can say is we don’t live anywhere near my MIL and we only see her a couple of times a year and during those visits my husband has started to notice how much MIL plays the damsel in distress and needs DH to help her with everything. He has also noticed how negative she is, she can’t be happy for him and that all his achievements are down to her (some narcissistic tendencies). I have set very firm boundaries but I do tread carefully because if I ever comment about his mum’s behaviour he does get defensive. DH grew up very much having to take care of his mum (she was a single parent) and when we first got together he would ring her about every single decision and she would ring every week and talk to him for over two hours about the most mundane things! Even now he feels obligated to take her on holiday every year (she works and can pay for her own holiday) but she has no friends and DH feels it’s his job to make sure she has a holiday and is happy.

Good luck, DH thinks his relationship with his mum is perfectly normal and won’t entertain counselling. My biggest worry is how he will be when she passes away and the realisation sets in then.

I think you need to stop tormenting you husband with your views about this.
You may be right, certainly her behaviour does seem odd.I wonder if this is how her mother or father parented her. Leave him be because he can’t do anything about it now can he? Why would humiliating him by getting him to admit it be a good thing?

I wouldn’t be bothered about the cavorting around semi naked or flashing her bum whilst clearing the attic. Different people have different attitudes to bodies and nudity.I might be bothered if she did the dance of the seven veils though.

Just a thought, I was once horrified when I heard a woman from somewhere in northern Europe, who was changing her 8ish month old babe at the beach , whipping the nappy off and playing ‘ peel-a- boo-‘ style, ‘hello sexy girl’. I was with a friend and the two of us gasped when we heard. Baby was laughing her head off. We guessed that it must have a less sexualised meaning where they were from. Is MIL from somewhere else? It doesn’t make it right obviously, but it might explain it.

I too am a bit amazed at a man taking on 4 children!

I think he does think it's inappropriate behaviour but won't admit it. The ending of physical visits suggests that. I mean I can't comprehend acting like that with either of my young adult sons and they certainly wouldn't stand for it. I think though you don't have to plunge every psychological issue to its depths.

Nothing physical is going on, he minimises contact in front of you and I think you should leave things alone. Yes, his mother's behaviour is odd but it doesn't sound as if it directly impacts on your life to a great extent.

It's well beyond enmeshment! Very concerning he sees no issue.

I think that it's sweet that she feels like she can be so free in front of you both.

It’s completely inappropriate only I fear you’re wasting your time trying to mitigate a long established pattern of behaviour. Why do that to yourself seriously? Leave them to each other.

I had an ex very much like this. Call me naive but I only realised how unhinged it was until long after I’d left. In all fairness I was 20 when we met with very little relationship experience. From the daily 2hour long phone calls to details or our intimate life being discussed behind my back which I only found out after an off hand comment made by the dad over Sunday lunch. There were three people in our relationship and her presence was completely suffocating, it was such an incredibly toxic relationship. He of course couldn’t see a problem with it.