Feel alone am I being controlled or should I get on with it for dcs

[Dailydaisy29]

In brief been with “d”p 17 years since I was young . 2 dc youngest is 10. Never had another relationship I’m 36 now

He has always been difficult badly helped with kids when they were little and crap with housework.no motivation whatsoever to do anything to this day. Came to a head when I was having dc2 who was baby from hell and I totally went off sex and began to see it all for what it is. Have badly got any friends these days as he made it do difficult to go out and see people over the years.

I got my shit together about a year after dc2 and got a full time job so not relying on his wage (he goes through jobs like water) have always had my own money for housing and some savings due to a parent dying when I was a child so any property over time has been owned by me from that plus now I’m in a higher place that I’ve got through working hard to get mortgage to top up but I have NO practical support and really struggled when the kids were young.

To cut to what matters he always bullied me in to sex eventually I said no and he started touching me in my sleep waking me up to accuse me of having affairs( I wasn’t)

I threw him out 5 years ago as I just couldn’t take being scared to sleep and he moved in with his mother where he remains.

His mental health plummeted and he started stalking me pretty much and then threatening to kill himself if I didn’t get back with him

so I did I had no support and felt I had no choices but we remain living apart

he has no friends and no ambition whatsoever. Picks the youngest up from school and sits using my house or watches him here but when we’re both here gives me no personal space literally follows me to the toilet to check what I’m doing the min I come in from work.

he never goes out and I barely do either as he always kicks off. The latest a work night out for a meal nothing crazy he says I was actually at a hotel night shagging colleagues apparently. And then he came around and checked the washing pile next morning while I was at work and saw I wore a set of pjs that is sexy apparently so must have had a man around after he left (while the kids were sleeping ffs!!) It’s like he wants me to prove myself by having sex with him to show I’m not doing it with anyone else. Frankly I have zero drive whatsoever.

so it’s a weird relationship nothing shared no mutual freinds never go anywhere no plans and no sex (he’s constantly begging and I feel guilty for that) stays a couple of nights a month and I’m awake all night scared he’s going to touch me if I sleep. Pays me money towards kids though. He keeps begging for me to let him come back home and we will try again but I don’t know how it’ll work o don’t know how to fix it but he says it will be better he’s only the way he is cause we don’t live together.

I try for the kids sakes and cause I feel guilty I’m in a good position with house and my own job and he has a part time job and lives with his mum but he says he can’t progress into anything cause he needs to fix us

but if I end things I have no one else to help me with particularly youngest with asd and also I’m scared of what he will do he can’t seem to cope with emotions and is constantly saying there’s nothing worth living for if we are not together and phoning me ranting.

I just need anyone to talk to really I don’t have anyone to discuss this with and feel so alone today!

End things with him; he’s sexually assaulted you, you’re not safe in your own house when he’s there and he sounds extremely manipulative. It’s good he doesn’t live with you because that makes it easier to say it’s over and mean it.

Have your locks changed, then tell him it’s over.
What help do you need with the DC?
Does he make financial contributions to your household?

I got as far as 'he always bullied me into sex' and thought nope, you need to get rid.

he can’t seem to cope with emotions and is constantly saying there’s nothing worth living for if we are not together and phoning me ranting

You know what this is, OP? emotional bullying and manipulation to keep you in the relationship and making it all your responsibility, esp the veiled suicide threats.

What positives does this prince among men actually bring to your life?

he says he can’t progress into anything cause he needs to fix us

The only thing he needs to fix is him. He doesn't have a god given right to a relationship with you and he doesn't have the right to drag you into his issues.

And please don't kid yourself it's for the DCs. You're modelling a dreadful relationship to them and they'll be picking that up.

Get some counselling for yourself so you can untangle yourself from this relationship. It’s hard when you’ve been with him since so young, but honestly, he’s a total loser. His shit life is not your responsibility.
You are strong and capable. You just need to learn about your strengths (and weaknesses) and move on from this controlling millstone.

He is bleeding you dry financially, emotionally and in every other way. He’s aleech and you are his meal ticket.

He is a grown adult and he isn’t standing on his feet. That isn’t your responsibility. He won’t kill himself, don’t worry.

Letting him go might actually be the kick up the bum he needs to start living again

Your children are going to continue this cycle of abusive relationships if you don't start showing them what healthy ones look like. You have got to permanently end it with this disgusting man. You are allowing him to keep you under his thumb, and all because of his manipulation. Tell him it's over, change the locks, and never allow him into your home again.

No wonder you're scared what he'll do. Are you in the UK? Have you explored how this level of abuse, stalking etc. would be handled by the police? Sounds like it would be worth seeking advice. Scary.

You know you shouldn't put up with this, even for your kids.
If you do, one day, I go knows when, you'll die having wasted the only life you have had with a prick of a man. What a fucking shame.
It's as simple as that.
Is this all you want for yourself?

I'm not normally one to say leave the b***d but this time hell yes. As Pp have said, change the locks and leave the relationship. He has already sexually assaulted you and you can't sleep if he's in the house. He will have to pay towards the children if you leave him so don't let him use that excuse either.

Speak to Women's Aid or Citizen's Advice about whether you qualify for help towards the cost of care after / before school for the children.

But please, please leave him.

What an utterly terrifying read.

Please call Womens aid for support.

Any threats to harm himself should be directed to the police.

Please stop allowing him access to your home.

This is not goid for your children.

You sound like a truly amazing woman who's life will be so much better if you reach out for support and tell the truth.

You have a terrorist coming into your home.

Tell the truth to your family, friends, GP, and get the support you deserve.

This is controlling behaviour, I have also experienced this myself, it will just get worse. You are entitled to a life of freedom not restraint.

He needs to go.

You are also not responsible for his happiness, the issues lie with himself. Please put yourself first.

He sounds really horrible very weird very sinister, I would get away from him as far as possible.
He's like some horrible demonic limpet.

Make a very good comprehensive plan and don't let him get wind of it. I think you need to have everything sewn up before he knows what's happened.

He’s abusive- sexually and mentally. Threatening to kill himself if you don’t get back together. Attempting to stop you going out to isolate you further- all abusive behaviours.

Leave him. He is an abusive, controlling parasite who’s sucking the energy out of you and dragging you down with him.

He’s an abuser. He won’t kill himself, he’s using that to control you.

Please call women’s aid as already suggested and reclaim your life and your happiness.

Sending strength. You can do it.

No no no, this has to stop. Please end this today.

Thanks for your responses
i know I’m modelling terrible relashionship models for the dc but I feel like that’s too late to fix and feel terrible about that

he says he will not see them anymore if we’re not together so it’ll be my fault they don’t have a father. And if I get sick etc… I have no one else to help at all but him and his family

money is not an issue I don’t need his money at all but currently he does pay 350 per month

I have literally no support I am all on my own. one parent is dead the other couldn’t care less about me I have a sibling living in another country I see maybe every couple of years no involvement or intrest in my life my aunt was the only one who cared and she died in 2017. I couldn’t go out with freinds when dc were young so they lost intrest and not in touch anymore for years he drove away the only real friend I had and so only work freinds I couldn’t share anything with. And it’s so hard to make new freinds don’t know where to begin!!

I get it needs to stop but that’s harder to do when you’re dealing with the tantrums all by yourself. I went to the police back when I threw him out they were not slightly Intrested and actully made out I was wrong to throw him out as he had claim on l the house as he had lived with me in it I saw a solicitor who said this was nonsense.

he says he will not see them anymore if we’re not together so it’ll be my fault they don’t have a father

I hate to say this, but no father is better than one like that - one who abuses and controls and rapes their mother.

That was a good move asking the solicitor. Keep on looking for information - sometimes you'll be given poor advice, like that time at the police, but you'll get helpful advice too if you keep looking.

he says he will not see them anymore if we’re not together so it’ll be my fault they don’t have a father.
If he doesn't see them any more, that's his choice, not yours. Millions of men choose to maintain a relationship with their children after a divorce. If he does not, it's obviously not your fault. Why are you paying attention to this nonsense? Let him think whatever rubbish he likes, you don't have to listen if he's not there.

The barriers to getting rid of him appear to be a fear of his behaviour and a lack of support. You will not be able to make friends or get support while he’s around because he’ll prevent it. He is the cause of your lack of support.

Contact women’s aid and get a non molestation order on his arse. You cannot carry on like this.

It’s not too late, let them learn from watching you get out of the situation.
I understand that you don’t have any support at the moment. You’ll be able to grow a network if not dealing with his jealous tantrums.
What do you actually need support with? Lets look for solutions to that.

Sometimes, it's hard to leave due to fear of the unknown. I have no family in this country either, but I have support from my friends. I know HE drove away your friends he has successfully isolated you to make it feel like you have no choice. However, you DO have a choice. Find support, make a plan, and free yourself and your children. Let him decide what type of relationship he has with his children. It is not your responsibility to define your children's relationship with their father. It's HIS.
Change the locks and make your home a safe place for you and your children.The first few steps are scary, but the most crucial. You can do this. You have brought the children up so far despite the circumstances, so you are a strong person. Don't be gaslighted into thinking otherwise. Good luck, OP X

You AND your children deserve so much more than this abusive, controlling creep.

His threats are just words to try and control you into staying with him.

Change the locks and tell him from now on, if he wants to he can see the kids at his mums.