Feel alone am I being controlled or should I get on with it for dcs

[Dailydaisy29]

In brief been with “d”p 17 years since I was young . 2 dc youngest is 10. Never had another relationship I’m 36 now

He has always been difficult badly helped with kids when they were little and crap with housework.no motivation whatsoever to do anything to this day. Came to a head when I was having dc2 who was baby from hell and I totally went off sex and began to see it all for what it is. Have badly got any friends these days as he made it do difficult to go out and see people over the years.

I got my shit together about a year after dc2 and got a full time job so not relying on his wage (he goes through jobs like water) have always had my own money for housing and some savings due to a parent dying when I was a child so any property over time has been owned by me from that plus now I’m in a higher place that I’ve got through working hard to get mortgage to top up but I have NO practical support and really struggled when the kids were young.

To cut to what matters he always bullied me in to sex eventually I said no and he started touching me in my sleep waking me up to accuse me of having affairs( I wasn’t)

I threw him out 5 years ago as I just couldn’t take being scared to sleep and he moved in with his mother where he remains.

His mental health plummeted and he started stalking me pretty much and then threatening to kill himself if I didn’t get back with him

so I did I had no support and felt I had no choices but we remain living apart

he has no friends and no ambition whatsoever. Picks the youngest up from school and sits using my house or watches him here but when we’re both here gives me no personal space literally follows me to the toilet to check what I’m doing the min I come in from work.

he never goes out and I barely do either as he always kicks off. The latest a work night out for a meal nothing crazy he says I was actually at a hotel night shagging colleagues apparently. And then he came around and checked the washing pile next morning while I was at work and saw I wore a set of pjs that is sexy apparently so must have had a man around after he left (while the kids were sleeping ffs!!) It’s like he wants me to prove myself by having sex with him to show I’m not doing it with anyone else. Frankly I have zero drive whatsoever.

so it’s a weird relationship nothing shared no mutual freinds never go anywhere no plans and no sex (he’s constantly begging and I feel guilty for that) stays a couple of nights a month and I’m awake all night scared he’s going to touch me if I sleep. Pays me money towards kids though. He keeps begging for me to let him come back home and we will try again but I don’t know how it’ll work o don’t know how to fix it but he says it will be better he’s only the way he is cause we don’t live together.

I try for the kids sakes and cause I feel guilty I’m in a good position with house and my own job and he has a part time job and lives with his mum but he says he can’t progress into anything cause he needs to fix us

but if I end things I have no one else to help me with particularly youngest with asd and also I’m scared of what he will do he can’t seem to cope with emotions and is constantly saying there’s nothing worth living for if we are not together and phoning me ranting.

I just need anyone to talk to really I don’t have anyone to discuss this with and feel so alone today!

Any suggestions as to where she can go for support. Womens Aid?

Hello,
I have only read your responses.
I am a single parent of two DC. I have very little support, and basically it’s fine. I am at the stage where I would like to get out and about more which is easier now DC are a bit older.
The question is what do you need support for? And could you pay for this if needs be? Eg after school care, childminder in the holidays? Once you let it be known that you are looking for x, y or z, it is possible to find people who need a bit of extra work.
Do you really think your work friends would not care? Is there any support or counselling available through your work.
I know this is not addressing the abuse issues, but I just wanted to say having no support does not need to be a big barrier. It’s much easier to get to know people if you don’t have a partner controlling your every move.

What the FUCK have I just read????

ok this is going to be brutal, and I send this with great respect and because I’ve been there with guilt and control.

Go to a counsellor and explore exactly why you’re making such limiting bizarre decisions, and tripping yourself up!!! I say do this first because you need to get a hold of this bit before you’ll be able to make and keep to further decisions.

You are setting yourself on fire, and your kids, to keep this dickhead warm.

As pp have said, change the locks and end the relationship.

You need to disengage. You have been made to feel responsible for all 4 of you, but he's an adult just like you are and you are NOT responsible for him, for his relationship with the children, for his health wealth nor happiness. You are not responsible for his life at all.

So, yes, disengage; stop taking responsibility for him, it's not your burden. Only he can fix himself and he doesn't want to.

So first, try responding to his threats of no contact "well, if that's what you want to do....." or "it's your choice". And then use those sort of responses to his veiled threats of suicide too. Imagine saying those things to him in as many circumstances as you can where he shuffles his responsibility for himself off onto you. It's HIS choice, he's a grown up.

Imagine as strongly and in as much detail as you can. Try it out loud! Then say it to him, you could start by saying it over the phone or by text if it's easier, and then move onto saying it in person. You decide how quickly you get to that.

I know it's really scary making a change like this, but take baby steps towards freedom and you'll be taking giant strides before you know it.

Throw him out immediately.

His mental health issues;not your responsibility.

Threatens suicide;ignore him.

Refuses to see the kids;fine;they don't need an emotionally abusive waster setting a bad example anyway.

Starts stalking you;report it to the police.

Read up on a method called grey rock;use it when dealing with him.

Having no friends/no support?;it'll be surprising how supportive people are without him around,men like him drive people away.

You know you deserve to be free of this shit.

Would you be happy for a daughter of yours yo be treated like this for a man?

Would you be happy for your son to treat his loved ones like this?

Because that's exactly what you're teaching them.

It's not too late. They'll remember you leaving and showing respect for yourself.

Leave him, and never go back.

I need support with dealing with him when he’s turning up on my doorstep at 3am cause he’s upset with me and when he won’t stop phoning me or when he’s driving past my home or workplace. So it’s easier just to go along and deal with keeping the peace.

im so alone that I have spent my birthday alone every year for the last 5 years that’s the extent of no one I have.

I need someone to give me a hug and tell me it’s ok it’s been years since someone did that I need to feel like I’m not totally alone in dealing with him I need someone to care about me for 5 minutes so I feel brave enough to sort it out and I don’t know where to go to get that as I said the police did not see an issue and spoke to him and made it worse as it turned his family against me

so as to why I’m making “bizarre “ decisions I’m scared. And for him to have any contact it would have to go through me anyway

Op you need to make a plan.

Contact womens aid or something similar in your area. You need a support worker and someone who can help you put a plan together.

Dont let him come in the house or stay. Dont tell him anything about your life. He isnt your friend. He has no respect for you or your child. Hes a pathetic sad waster thats piggybacked on your capabilities for years.

You dont need him. You dont need help. You are doing it all anyway whilst being stalked and sexually harrassed.

Set strong boundaries. You can do this x

Local DV charity and my GP really helped me in a similar situation

as I said the police did not see an issue and spoke to him and made it worse as it turned his family against me
It's very sad and frustrating that this happened to you. Not everyone that you will approach is well trained or experienced, but some/many are. You may well need to make several attempts before things work out for you and the children, sadly. You can also prepare yourself to help make things different next time. I think Women's Aid are your best starting point. It's hard to take action when you're on your own, but it's clearly also very hard for you already. You wouldn't be on here asking what to do if you were OK with the current situation.

His family are going to be on his side however nasty he is, by the sound of it? Or they are unaware, or unwilling to believe what he's doing.

for him to have any contact it would have to go through me anyway
Not necessarily. At first you could arrange it directly via his mum, e.g. by text. Or social workers. You'd have to enquire about how it would work. If you want contact; it may not be best for the kids.

You need a non molestation order, police should assist with this. Warn them what you are doing as you change the locks, ask for a flag on the property. When your ex kicks off call 999.

I'm thinking of you, OP. The G.P. It sounds like a good to go as they hopefully will be able to help. I also found this below. www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Good luck OP 🍀

Yes yes yes to GP. They can be incredibly helpful. Think hard about what is going on and write it down in bullet points, in case you find it hard to say out loud. You can just give the list to the doctor, and say "I need help".

Imagine doing it before you go in - studies have shown that imagining doing an action leads to doing it better, so give it a go, honestly I know it works.

As for him turning up at your house in the middle of the night, don't answer the door and if he kicks off call the police. I know they weren't much help last time but things change and I hope the cops are more aware of these situations and will deal with it better this time.

Ring the police today or tomorrow and ask thee speak to someone in the DV Unit and talk to them. They will be much more aware and helpful than 'any old random cop'.

Talk to Women's Aid, they are tremendously helpful

In all 3 cases, don't pull your punches, tell everything, don't feel embarrassed or ashamed - there's no need, it's not your fault, remember you're the victim. He's stalking you and harrassing you and making threats.i
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