Conflicting feelings about splitting up after 30 years

[user1471435657]

I suppose like any poster, I'm looking for confirmation that I'm 100% right. But I will value all opinions really. i'm in the process of splitting up with my partner of 30 years and I feel conflict around it, not absolute certainty.

My situation is that I am almost 50 and have reached the end of the road with my relationship. My partner and I got together in college in our early twenties, moved in together a couple of years later, had two kids in our thirties. They are young teens now. My partner works long hours, home at 9 or 10 pm, out at 8am so is basically not present at home Monday to Friday. Then at the weekends he is exhausted and just wants to rest and stay city based doing exactly the same stuff he has always done - cinema, cafe, bookshops. He has said that he never hid who he was and I chose to have kids with him as he is and that is true.
So for the last 15 years I kept going like that - I looked after the kids, worked full time and ran the house/ life admin - food shopping and cooking/ holidays/shoes/doctors. You've heard it all before, I did all the labour except that he participated 50/50 in getting the kids to school every morning and being there at the weekends. He attended every day trip but set up almost none. On the days I didn't, he would stay late in bed and nothing would happen.
The other side of the coin is that I adored him before we had children. I would have sworn he was the best person - the kindest with the most integrity, and we had a lot of common interests. Once we had children, a gap opened up in our values and how we want to live between us and now I don't see how I can continue to stay with him as I have zero respect for how he has been to me as a partner and as a co parent.
I feel a certain amount of conflict about splitting up. I don't hate him. I just don't respect how he treated me and how he was so absent from the family. And I don't respect how he has handled me voicing all this. He won't apologize as he doesn't think he has to. He doesn't think he wronged me. He seems angry with me for feeling like this and splitting us up. I don't think I can stay with him as I feel so much resentment towards him and also I'm done with staying with someone who is so checked out of the relationship and the family.
I really would love to hear other people's opinions and experiences.

I’m sorry to read this OP.

It doesn’t sound like DP has behaved very well. I have to say though, if you co-established this framework with him, and let it operate like that for well over a decade, he may have felt that on some level it was acceptable to you both. Given his very heavy working hours, he may have assumed that you saw his role as delivering on that side of things, and leading family life was your domain.

It’s evident from your message that you do not feel that was fair. But can you accept part of the blame for this situation arising for so long? Can you really really talk to your DP and understand his side of this dynamic?

He has said that he never hid who he was

That's his way of saying you chose him, suck it up.

He seems angry with me for feeling like this

Of course he is, his pride has been dented.

Has he ever taken any responsibility for anything?

I don't blame you at all for not wanting to spend the rest of your life with him, he sounds like a lodger more than a husband. It sounds like he didn't like your attention being away from him once the children came along.

It's a big step to take when things aren't desperate, but it sounds like you've done a lot of thinking and it also sounds like you're ready, you just need a bit of a handhold. Don't doubt yourself

Thanks for your message, I appreciate you presenting a different perspective.
I find it hard to accept he thought the framework was ok by me. We met in college as equals and I always worked full time, earning equally. We never agreed to enter a 1950s type arrangement. We were very much best friends watching movies and the latest Sopranos / breaking bad type shows together - it was never our thing that one of us has the career and the other one is the support for it. I did express this clearly a lot so he knew I felt it was unfair. I think he turned a blind eye to it because it it suited him. I think this happened a lot rather than outright malice. More like "whoops, did I just trap you in the house for 15 years? How did that happen?"
I do accept responsibility for letting it go on so long. I've had to wake up to the fact that I didn't advocate for myself at any stage and also that I didn't think I deserved the full package. I have a piece of work to do on why I don't look after myself.
I would like to have a proper conversation with him about how he feels about my opinion of him but he's too angry for now.

I guess you've reached the end of your tether and the love has all gone so can see why you're wanting a fresh start rather than any rekindling. I'm a bit like your DP and my thought would be that the DC must be easier now and family life will only be a thing for a short-ish time now, with the kids taking care of themselves much more, so if that's the issue then it mightn't make sense to him. Probably needs to understand it's much bigger than that and that you want to leave him so much that you'd break up the family for it, which he might see as contradictory if you're the one who's prioritising family as important.

Not saying you're wrong at all. You've done 30 years and know he won't change and you want something else

Yes, yes and no.
He is like a lodger. One illustration of this is that I always leave him a plate of dinner to heat up as myself and the kids ate at 6. I think that is so sad. For me because of all the work that goes into a daily meal is done solely by me and for him because it's like he's so separate from the family.
In fairness the comment about resenting the children taking my attention is 100% not applicable to him. He loves them as much as I do, and is emotionally a parent to them as much as anyone should be.
Thank you for the comment about not doubting myself. That hits the nail on the head.

Sounds quite similar to the setup I got myself into, for similar reasons. In my case it turned out that exh had been flirting and finally having affairs with women he met at/through work - partly due to this isolation from family life, partly causing further isolation.It's a shame you've realised it before it's got to that stage (presumably) but after you've got to the stage of resentment. Makes sense that he's pissed off tbh. Maybe you could mention your contribution to the situation - not having spoken to him about it until it was too late and basically amounted to a character assassination rather than something he could actually tackle? OTOH, if you already know you've had enough, what's the point discussing it, for him?

In fairness the comment about resenting the children taking my attention is 100% not applicable to him. He loves them as much as I do, and is emotionally a parent to them as much as anyone should be.

That's good to hear that he loves them and is emotionally a good dad but from what you said in your OP it doesn't sound like he's there that much if he still does the weekend stuff he always did and is away for work so much. That's a choice he's making (the weekend stuff anyway). And loving the children doesn't stop him resenting your attention not being fully on him, like it used to be.

Maybe you'll have the chance to talk to him at some point in the future about how he feels, but maybe by then you'll have moved on so much his feelings will be less relevant to you. And maybe it'll become apparent that he's not going to be entirely honest if he never takes any responsibility anyway.

What's he like when he does join the rest of the family for a meal or a day out?

You don’t have to justify leaving a marriage. You’re a free human being. Have you gone to marriage counselling?

I think that you both have different views of your relationship and should have long ago reached a compromise on issues that annoyed you.

For example eating at 6 o clock. My dh works until anywhere between 8 and 10 pm sometimes later. His job is solely shift based. So he can't eat with me at 6 no matter how long I spend cooking a meal. Sometimes I eat with the kids sometimes I wait and eat with him.

Weekends sometimes I want to take the kids out sometimes I want weekends like your husband.

You still have the potential for a long marriage were you can reset both your expectations but once high levels of resentment kick in its very difficult to come back from.

There is definitely no other party involved.

I had been speaking up all along about having to do all the life admin/child care /running the household in fairness. I didn't suffer in silence! I just didn't leave. He did talk about changing but never, never did. My counsellor told me once to accept this and I am so much happier now that I have. He won't put a load of washing on, he won't get the shopping in, he won't clean up anything and not watching to see if he will is less work for me.

I think my reasons for leaving probably do come across as a character assassination by default - they basically are that he crapped out on his family. I don't enjoy saying that, I think he thinks I do. But I don't, I don't think I'm winning if he is looking bad. I certainly haven't enjoyed living with taking up all his slack for our children's lives.

Sounds like you both went down the path of least resistance once kids came along as it was the easiest thing to do and you were both tired. Happens to most of us, I think. Sounds like you could come back from this if you both accept you both contributed to it and let the past go. Focus on what you need now rather than what you didn’t get 5 years ago. Defensive people are never the best versions of themselves. It’s up to you whether that feels worth the effort or not.

I always think asking yourself the question how would you feel, truly feel, if they were in a loving relationship with someone else. There are people I know who left stale relationships similar to what you’ve outlined and we’re shock and how painful it was when their husbands, who’d enjoyed their relationship and hadn’t chosen to leave it, moved on and found someone else. They realised they hadn’t valued a lot of what they actually really missed once the relationship was over. It’s a very different situation from people who feel they can finally breathe once their relationship ends. Relationships need to be cherished to flourish IMO. Stop saying what you don’t like, stop wishing you’d done it differently and start saying what you want more of and offer them the same. My DH and I had our first weekend away without kids back where we met at uni a couple of years ago. It reminded us why we chose to get together in the first place.

After we divorced, my ex took over the house, so our adult children stay there when in town. During Covid our son was living there, and he complained about his dad basically treating our son like a 1950s housewife in my place. Expecting to be cooked for etc. Almost 10 years on exh is still single; now trying to bring in a gf from abroad who has already shown herself willing to cook and clean for him while he spends 90% of his time working.
I have a bf who cooks me tasty meals, makes time for me and apologises if he can't. We don't even live together but honestly spend more time together. The contrast to my ex has really opened my eyes to what I was missing out on. It's a real shame.

I know the feeling of wanting him to admit his contribution to the breakup, but don't count on it happening. Maybe he will come along in five or ten years' time and sheepishly admit that you might have been right. But sometimes you can't get that kind of "closure".

What's causing your feelings of confliction is that after 30 years together you've been trained to accept his interpretation as his right and your interpretation of events as ''asking for too much'' and ''awkwardness'' (??) so even now, that this is the actual REASON that you're splitting up really, you're processing his reaction to splitting up as having more validity than your own. Ie, he feels he hasn't wronged you and he feels that you're causing the damage by splitting up.
You have your own feelings but you still feel conflicted because of his.
Is he conflicted because of your feelings ?? Or is he steady, standing firm in his belief that you are the problem?

His take on everything up to now and right now is that his interpretation of events is the correct one. The past is so wrapped up in the present.

This shouldn't leave you feeling conflicted. It should actually validate your decision.

You probably know this. But after thirty years of being trained to consider him, it's easier to know things rationally than to feel them.

I don't think I'd know what hit me if I had a partner who was willingly present in the evenings. I don't think I had that eve before the children. His real relationship is with his work - it means a lot to him and he gives it everything. I went down a different road and work to live, which has its own issues, but they are so opposite. The kids are my everything, which I'm not saying makes me automatically morally superior but it's hard for me to relate to his value of work first, partner and kids way below.
I know I wouldn't have made an unwilling slave of my partner to serve any job, save maybe curing cancer.

It's somewhat unrealistic to expect him to be happy about you splitting up, when - from his perspective- the arrangement has worked satisfactorily for years.

Would you both be prepared to go for couples counselling? It may not repair the marriage, but may give you a better framework for splitting up.

Do you have any idea why your husband is so focused on work? Does it improve his status within his family? Does he feel like it's the only thing he can do? Does he like getting recognition from people in high-up positions? My exh was treated like the family idiot by his birth family. He longs for approval (which you can get by working OTT) and finds it hard to deal with criticism (e.g. from an annoyed wife) as he associates it with that "family idiot" position and reverts to the role of a child. My theory anyway!

Can you drum up any feelings of understanding, sympathy etc. for your ex or are you just fed up with him? @rookiemere has a good point about counselling.

From you post - it’s very clear that you have accumulated a lot of resentment towards your H. And the marriage is really unbalanced. And you are very tired.

What is not quite as clear - is what you actually want - beyond saying you are done with him. Also not quite clear if you have a picture in your head of how the practicalities of divorce would work.
And, more importantly - what in that change would make you happier?

Do you want another relationship? How will you navigate that while still being a single parent to your children?
Given his focus on his career - the only practical difference in your life would be - a likely move to a smaller property; less laundry; not leaving out a plate for him.
Plus, of course, there will be the upheaval of divorce that is hard to avoid even in the most amicable of separations.
Your life won’t be easier in any practical terms, and possibly harder.

I am not saying this to dissuade you. I am divorced myself; initiated it and don’t regret it.

I am saying this to make sure you are clear in your head as to what you want to actually achieve. Not only - what you want to escape from.

I wouldn't expect him to be happy, if nothing else it's a huge inconvenience to him. However I would expect him to care even a little that I am so unhappy and feel I have been borderline abused by being left to do his share on top of my own.
I would love to do counselling - I'm a huge fan of it - but he hates the idea. I will ask him though.

It's not that I can't feel sympathy for him, it's more that I can't imagine any universe where I treat my partner as he has.
I also baulk at doing any of the psychological work for him in terms of figuring out why he acts the way he does. I have done enough of his work. He needs to adult up if he wants to.

Her soul wouldn't be dying inside though.

Separation is really tough and the other side is no bed of roses either but do you want to limp along in this same situation for the next 20 years? If the marriage is to be saved, both parties have to want it. You can't and shouldn't keep iniating conversations that he won't participate in. You can't and shouldn't keep initiating tactics and solutions to improve things UNLESS he too is doing the same. It will destroy your self respect and self worth.

You both make excellent points.
It will be really hard and lonely to separate and logistically very painful.
But I won't have this nagging feeling that I'm in the Matrix - everything looks real but it's rotten underneath (excuse the sci Fi reference)

I also baulk at doing any of the psychological work for him in terms of figuring out why he acts the way he does. I have done enough of his work. He needs to adult up if he wants to.
Fair enough! And fair enough if you simply want to end it. If you chose the counselling route, apart from being useful during a breakup, it would also mean that it was the counsellor having to do the psychological work and/or giving your husband things to do. You would obviously have to spend time thinking about things too. But you're doing that already, in trying to get him to talk about it.

the only practical difference in your life would be - a likely move to a smaller property; less laundry; not leaving out a plate for him
That really illustrates how much good he is as a partner, doesn't it. It was the same with my ex. But amazing how much less stress there was when the kids and I could relax in the evening and go to bed without wondering when he'd turn up and want to see their homework or start asking them about their day at 9.30 p.m. Took me literally years to do my own laundry without thinking about his shirts and getting annoyed in retrospect, but even just after we'd broken up, the lower level of resentment was a relief.

I don’t think anyone can tell you that a marriage is done but you. The fact he never cooks, shops or gets home for dinner sounds sooo painful. I wondered if he was an academic (might be wrong) but my experiences is that academics often pour far too much of themselves into their work believing that is the only way. I was going to suggest marriage counselling but if he is unprepared to then there isn’t much you can do.
If you have reached the point of wanting it to end, and him not wanting to change anything then I can’t see where you go from there. He will actually have to cook a mean for himself.

You can’t only parent children “ emotionally “ though can you? Actual practical parenting is what gets you through the days, and the years. That’s what you’ve done with him joining in if and when you facilitate it and it suits him. Eating meals with your children ( not necessarily all the time) is actual necessary parenting as an example.

He May love his DC, but that doesn’t mean he is a good parent. I know you may not want to hear that. I also think you might be in denial about just how much of a let down he has been. His suggestion that you knew who he was is insulting. Lives change when children come along. It appears as if he has lived the life of a single Dad, with the bonus of living with his DC, and indeed you. To do all the practical stuff, arrange holidays, meals, laundry etc etc. And presumably be his pal/sexual partner too. It’s beyond selfish.

You have a lot to think about, but in the first instance by yourself.

There’s a lot of very good insights from the other posters.

My situation is the same but different from yours.

Ive been married over 30 and last year I detonated the divorce bomb. From my point of view I was fed up with the unfairness in our marriage. I had a lot of resentment. I have since been having private therapy and I now realise he is an entitled bully.

He on the other hand can’t believe it and is so, so angry. He thought things were just fucking tickety boo!

Therapy has helped me to never waiver, but my resentments have also helped. At the beginning I tried explaining this all to him. Because he is who he is, he won’t accept any blame or try to see a different point of view. My adult child said to me “look you know what he’s like, why do you expect him to be different now?” Very wise words.

So Ive now accepted it’s a waste of time to try and explain my reasons. I suppose subconsciously I thought if he would listen to me, I would have some kind of approval and justification for wanting to leave. It’s just going to have to be a forever unfulfilled wish.

However, I still find myself writing an imaginary letter to give him when this is all over.

I think you just need to accept you will never have that resolution from him. Do the counselling you want, but just for yourself.