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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Conflicting feelings about splitting up after 30 years

49 replies

user1471435657 · 26/03/2023 12:03

I suppose like any poster, I'm looking for confirmation that I'm 100% right. But I will value all opinions really. i'm in the process of splitting up with my partner of 30 years and I feel conflict around it, not absolute certainty.

My situation is that I am almost 50 and have reached the end of the road with my relationship. My partner and I got together in college in our early twenties, moved in together a couple of years later, had two kids in our thirties. They are young teens now. My partner works long hours, home at 9 or 10 pm, out at 8am so is basically not present at home Monday to Friday. Then at the weekends he is exhausted and just wants to rest and stay city based doing exactly the same stuff he has always done - cinema, cafe, bookshops. He has said that he never hid who he was and I chose to have kids with him as he is and that is true.
So for the last 15 years I kept going like that - I looked after the kids, worked full time and ran the house/ life admin - food shopping and cooking/ holidays/shoes/doctors. You've heard it all before, I did all the labour except that he participated 50/50 in getting the kids to school every morning and being there at the weekends. He attended every day trip but set up almost none. On the days I didn't, he would stay late in bed and nothing would happen.
The other side of the coin is that I adored him before we had children. I would have sworn he was the best person - the kindest with the most integrity, and we had a lot of common interests. Once we had children, a gap opened up in our values and how we want to live between us and now I don't see how I can continue to stay with him as I have zero respect for how he has been to me as a partner and as a co parent.
I feel a certain amount of conflict about splitting up. I don't hate him. I just don't respect how he treated me and how he was so absent from the family. And I don't respect how he has handled me voicing all this. He won't apologize as he doesn't think he has to. He doesn't think he wronged me. He seems angry with me for feeling like this and splitting us up. I don't think I can stay with him as I feel so much resentment towards him and also I'm done with staying with someone who is so checked out of the relationship and the family.
I really would love to hear other people's opinions and experiences.

OP posts:
loislovesstewie · 26/03/2023 16:06

Sometimes things just run their course, don't they? Unless you want to carry on really being by yourself, not having a person who wants to be with you and have, at least some, common interests or goals, I really don't see why you shouldn't call it a day. You are young enough to have a much better life.

WigglyWaggly · 26/03/2023 16:44

8 am until 9 or 10 pm are extremely long work hours.

My husband worked similarly long hours and I've always been ok doing the rest of the stuff. My husband wasn't working for fun or for his own purposes he was working for our family. When he was home I wanted him doing fun stuff with the kids.

I still had far more free time to myself especially as the kids got older.
If he is working long hours to get out of housework and life admin then that would be a different matter but I know if I work really long hours I feel exhausted and very 'flat'
My husband is retired now and all life admin is 50/50. The kids and I are now all benefitting from him working so hard for so long. I'm not sure we got the balance right but we wouldn't be able to support our kids the way we can if my husband hadn't been able to work so hard.

Dodecaheidyin · 26/03/2023 18:43

Took me literally years to do my own laundry without thinking about his shirts and getting annoyed in retrospect

@80s One of the first things I did when we separated was pack up his dirty laundry from the washing basket for him to take to her house to wash. It still gives me much joy that I've only got my own laundry to deal with now. No need for fancy stain removers or searingly hot washes any more. Bliss!

80s · 26/03/2023 18:50

That's understandable, @WigglyWaggly if it gives you the life you both want, or if one person has an important job, and both partners are fine with the arrangement. It's more complicated if, as OP describes, it's something that only one partner wants, and the other has to suck up with no discussion, compromise or acknowledgement.
My exh did not earn very well, did unpaid overtime on a daily basis and lost his holiday leave every year because he didn't take it. This was all in an attempt to get kudos at work. If I mentioned being left on my own, or the toll it had on my career because he never (not once) took any time off to look after sick children, he got annoyed.

Thewookiemustgo · 26/03/2023 19:22

I think it’s obvious that you done with the status quo, the way the relationship is at the moment and has been for a while. Change could be made, but it would have to be both of you committed to change and not just you. Resentment is a real relationship killer and yours has been building for a while. Communication, open and honest discussion, followed by a plan to compromise and find a way through the issue raised, usually stops resentment building, but that also is a two way street and no point doing it al yourself and hoping he follows suit. Resentment gets worse and builds like a mountain then. If you’ve tried it and to no avail, then the relationship might be over. The more difficult question for you is are you done with him? Does the thought of not living like this any more fill you with relief, or the thought of not being with him any more fill you with relief? The relationship can only be saved if you both want it, unless it’s gone beyond that now and you just can’t see your future involving him any more. Once he knows change is needed and that change might work, maybe he’d get in board. If he won’t get in board with change looking towards the future (blaming and referencing the past won’t help him move forward, it will just make him feel resentful too, even if the blame does lie with him.) then sadly it’s probably over.

jsku · 26/03/2023 21:40

@user1471435657

I guess the point I am trying to make - one has to balance emotions and sense where big life decisions are concerned.
Emotionally - you are clearly exhausted and hurt. And want to just do something dramatic, hoping it’ll change how you feel.

There are a few women around me who have made similarly huge life changes around menopause age. And I think there is something that happens with us at this age where emotions get heightened.

But the reality of separation isn’t something people think about when acting on emotion. However, practicalities often make life so much more difficult that in the end you don’t come out any happier.

I lived with a H who wasn’t around for me or the kids. He also worked all the time. I used to get annoyed and upset on kid’s behave that he was missing out in them growing up. Then I decided it’s his loss and I’ll raise them the best way I can because I enjoy it. And at least he did his share to support the kids.
H was doing his thing and we lived like this for a long time.
I had to file for divorce because of something unrelated to that.

Bluespecsandshoes · 26/03/2023 23:13

I’m with @MsPavlichenko on this! A lot of the love that goes in to raising dc is practical in nature. So it’s great that your dh is emotionally available to his dc but if he is physically absent, doesn’t even make much of an effort at weekends by the sound of it, he isn’t as good a father as you are saying.

And of course him saying “you knew what I was like when you married me” is utter nonsense and blame-shifting because as MsPavlichenko says, all of your responsibilities and expectations have by necessity to be reset when dc come along. You can’t just carry on in the same way!

And unless there’s an enormous drip feed about to come and he earns mountains of riches or he is about to cure cancer single handed (and even then he still has a responsibility to be a decent husband and parent) I really don’t think you need to feel guilty about your part in “letting” him behave this way. You wouldn’t have to “let” him if he had stepped up in the first place. Also why is it a wife’s job to monitor, police and motivate a husband
so he’ll cooperate in family life?

Op, be prepared that if your dc are young teens, there is still quite a lot of intense, important, parenting to do: lots of chauffeuring around, cooking huge amounts of food, exam stress, exhausting emotional stuff over friendships and gfs and bfs, the usual teen rebellions, establishing them at uni or college and so on. Do you think this will be easier with your husband’s semi-detached contribution or would it be better parenting alone on your own terms in a home that runs to your tune? Will divorcing force his hand and make him be more involved with the dc at weekends or will it all still be on you?

Good luck with your decision. I’ve been married a similar length of time and it’s definitely not easy. And there are still a lot of men, particularly of our generation, who think it’s ok to behave in an antediluvian fashion when it comes to family life.

As an aside, I’ve been listening to some podcasts recently featuring Alastair Campbell. Someone you would think would be fairly up to speed with equality in the home. But in one podcast he talked to Rory Stewart about “asking his wife more often about what he could do to help” - he obviously has no notion of wife work or the mental load - how no husband should have to ask, because if they were sufficiently involved they would know what needed doing - and in another podcast he confessed to having virtually never cooked a meal. It’s put me right off him tbh.

My point is that most men of our age still suffer from an ingrained rather entitled bias that home and family is the women’s domain, and that’s not going to suddenly change after thirty years, even post retirement.

Dodecaheidyin · 27/03/2023 08:17

But the reality of separation isn’t something people think about when acting on emotion. However, practicalities often make life so much more difficult that in the end you don’t come out any happier.

Yes, there can be hardships but if you are the one doing everything in a household anyway, that aspect isn't going to be any harder. Ridding yourself of the burden will lessen your resentment over time and that can only be an improvement, surely.

SarahC50 · 27/03/2023 08:44

I've been with my DH a similar length of time and I would find your DH behaviour intolerable. Those years with the kids are so hard and exhausting, I would feel resentment and undervalued at being left with it all. His quote - you knew who I was when we married is infuriating and a way of shutting you down.
Personally I couldn't forgive or stay with a man who treated me so neglectfully for so long. I couldn't move past it and would rather be on my own.
It's a really sad thread to read and I feel really sorry that you've been treated that way. I hope with support you can find a way forward and maybe even to a relationship where you are adored and cherished. Good luck x

jsku · 27/03/2023 10:47

@Dodecaheidyin

That is exactly how some of my friends thought when they went ahead with their divorced based on general unhappiness with how their lives had been.
And why they ended up no better, and in some cases in much worse places.

Divorce doesn’t take away resentment over what went on - and how unbalanced your relationship had been. This - you need to work on by yourself, with a counsellor, etc. In our outside of marriage.

Divorce can free you to build another life - find another relationship, etc. And that does happen. Unfortunately - and even infuriatingly - met tend to move on and do it with great ease. They mostly have kids EOW - and even the crappiest of H’s of my friends have quickly fallen into new relationships. But my beautiful, smart, caring great female friends - who still have kids at home, most of the time are struggling to find partners that will accept not being their priority while we raise kids.
(We are all in our 40s - so no new kids in new relationship are on the cards)

Adding to that kids being affected, MH and depression and resentment that doesn’t make teenage years any easier; and financial complications and life style changes - a few of my friends now wish they’d stayed with blah/lazy husbands for longer. Or tried harder at working on their marriages. Or simply just accepted the men were busy at work, but at least supported the family and let the women run the household the way they wanted to.

People who line up their next relationship before leaving their marriage seem to be doing much better. They are the only ones where I can see the divorce actually made an improvement to their lives.

So - all I am trying to convey is that divorce does not automatically make you happier. And you need to plan and think through how your life will unfold.
Its probably the hardest thing you will go though in your life - as it affects not just you alone.

80s · 27/03/2023 11:34

They mostly have kids EOW - and even the crappiest of H’s of my friends have quickly fallen into new relationships.
EOW, a workaholic? My exh met up with the kids a couple of hours a week for tea! But my youngest was 14 when we broke up, 16 by the time I even wanted to date again and he's 23 now, has his own place and I am still not interested in living with anyone. Men like this fall into new relationships because they are looking for their next cook and cleaner. It doesn't mean they have a better life than the women. While the kids were still at home, I dated - they could look after themselves overnight by then and had a great time. I wouldn't have done that with a husband. I'm now with a partner who has his daughter 50:50 with his ex - we go out on his free days. I know four or five women my age who've divorced and not one of them wants to live with a man - yet, at least.

jsku · 27/03/2023 19:10

@80s

Agreed. EOW is the best case. Many men don’t bother.

I was trying to say that IF one divorces in hope of getting a better partner - it is a lot harder for women. Most men my friends date struggle with not being No 1. And women feel torn and navigating between needs of everyone around them.

Yes - men do fall into new relationships because they seem to not be able to be on their own. My ex got on OLD just as he moved out. Met someone within a month.
introduced her to kids in 3mo. Moved on with her and her kids in 6mo.

Yes - many women with kids don’t end up dating until kids are much older and on he way out. And for some of my friends it is quite lonely and not what they expected.

It does help if you are financially OK and can still have an OK life and give your kids the attention and resources you want them to have.

IF, however - you end up lonely, struggling for money; having to do extra jobs just to make ends meet; while not being able to be there for the kids as you are effectively a single mother - then this is then some women regret not waiting longer to divorce. Or, at least - not planning it better.
Then some think - maybe a boring and lazy H - who brought home his salary and didn’t bother me - maybe he wasn’t as bad.

user1471435657 · 27/03/2023 21:07

I don't think I can stand to live with someone I don't respect though, someone who I think has used me to such an extent. Even if it is better to have someone splitting the bills 50/50. I think that would eat at me and be toxic for both of us.
I do think you have a point about drastic menopausal actions though. I can see that, I do feel a dramatic sense that I'm halfway through my life and need to question everything.

OP posts:
jsku · 28/03/2023 13:19

@user1471435657

I do think you really need to talk these feelings through with a therapist.
Because to me it seems like you are directing all your unhappiness onto your H and thinking he is solely responsible for how you are feeling. And in your head it had become this story of ‘being used’.
And it does seem to me that a lot more is going on - aging and hormones are clearly playing a role.

Looking at your story from the outside - it’s a not too unusual story where you have a workaholic man, putting his work above all. And a dedicated tired mother.

(You never mentioned - but it may be relevant - is he a high earner? Do the hours he put in at work give the family a nice lifestyle?

For my exH this was one of his motivation of why work was so important)

It’s not clear really how he ‘used’ you - as you were raising your children, doing what you thought you wanted/needed to do as a good mother. If you two divorced years ago - you’d have lead the same sort of life - done as much or more - planned days out and did everything for your house and the kids. You didn’t live your life for hm - the way he forced you, did you?
He didn’t benefit from ‘using’ you - he spent his life working - exhausted and most likely not all that happy at it.

Back in my marriage - I remember also being tired, etc. I did so much with kids - partially because I thought it was what I wanted to do as my mental image of a mother. Partially to overcompensate for their dad not being around. He was also too exhausted to do anything on weekends, and often still had to work too. I think I understand partially what you feel re his lack of involvement. I lived with it too.
So I know - it is possible to remove those feeling of resentment and refocus on yourself and your kids so that you can find a better balance for your MH.
This is unrelated to being married or not.

That question is for you to answer.
Personally I ended up divorcing because exH started doing something shady with our finances and I needed to protect my financial future. If he didn’t - I’d have stayed till kids grew up. As I wasn’t looking to leave and find a new relationship.

jsku · 28/03/2023 15:36

Forgot to finish my post -
I had a H similar to yours.
The way I dealt with was by putting it out of my head and deciding it was his loss he is not part of kids’ growing up.

I stopped expecting him to be a partner to me in anything other than what he was.
I sort of mentally separated from him and stopped expecting anything. Just went on with life, waiting for kids to grow up.

That for me was the way to deal with resentment. If you don’t expect anything - there is nothing to resent.

I don’t regret staying and giving my kids the years of stability they have had. Divorce is painful.

user1471435657 · 28/03/2023 17:57

Thanks so much for typing all that out. I really do appreciate the perspective.
When you say you mentally separated, was this explicit between you and your husband? Did you have separate bedrooms? Don't answer of course if that's too personal.
He isn't a higher earner, both of us are mid range earners and we have an average lifestyle. One holiday, one car. He doesn't drive btw, does that tip the scales in my favour 😁If one partner is the higher earner and they both understand that one is contributing labour in the home and one income, I think that is a perfectly reasonable and probably efficient arrangement. That's not my case, we earn and spend equally.
When I say he used me what I mean is I totally think he piggybacked off my labour - you know the drudgery and loneliness of raising kids. So he got to have these beautiful children with a fraction of the effort it takes. He literally had someone in work correct him once for saying that he had to babysit when I had somewhere to be .
He has to have known it wasn't right (apart from the fact that I said this repeatedly), who wouldn't? He's not stupid or old fashioned, far from either.

OP posts:
twoblueskies · 28/03/2023 18:17

Is there another way of thinking about this
Life changed when we become adults with bills to pay and again when we had children . I'm in a 1950s style marriage . I have a degree and before children I was the main earner . My husband younger than me became s much higher earner but it meant he worked away and returned home exhausted and checked out . I became really unhappy and my husband angry at my criticism. He thought he was providing s good lifestyle I felt abandoned .

Now he still works away but only 3 nights . When he's at home he takes part in children's activities, they are age 9 and 16 .

We are still friends but we don't expect each other to be responsible for our own happiness .

On one day a week we try to go for lunch . We leave the children to go out for evenings , concerts etc
Wr don't have family to help out so it is just us
He will always give me a message or photo or call when he finishes work

He has always been fair with spending money what's his is ours .

And if we want the odd weekend away with friends the other will support that

If you still like each other perhaps you just need to shake it up a bit

We got to nearly separating like you but we are so much better after making these changes .

You don't sound sure

jsku · 28/03/2023 18:18

@user1471435657

Men calling their time with kids ‘babysitting’ - is a well known phenomenon.

By ‘mentally’ separating - I mean literally, in my head. Stopping to think of him as full partner. A partner that was raising the kids with me.
I felt like a single parent, and I was that.

And this is, I think, where a therapist can help you. I presume you don’t regret having your kids. So - you didn’t raise them for your H.

You raised them because you are their mother. And - he didn’t benefit,
or piggybacked really - as the kids, and anyone really, don’t have any doubts as to who raised them.
But in your head it became this big thing that is really affecting you - and I think really working through this with a therapist can help you.

As to what else you can do to make yourself feel a little better - before you decide to make the final last step - is to do less for him.
I don’t know if you do his laundry; or other things just for him. I’d stop that - as he should be figuring out his stuff himself.
Etc

Ooonafoo · 28/03/2023 20:52

What is he doing all of this time out of the house? I have worked with lots of men who hang around the office crack of dawn and late evenings just to avoid family life - they are doing SFA in the office.

Being a workaholic is not a badge of honour - the person is as emotionally and physically absent from relationships as any other - aholics

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 29/03/2023 01:10

I'm in the 30+ years married bracket and in the middle of a divorce. I will definitely be financially worse off afterwards and I think divorce at this age swaps one pain for another, you've already lost a huge chunk of your life and like it or not you are always connected to your ex. I'd never consider another relationship but that's just how I feel, not suggesting that's right for you OP you are a fair bit younger than me.

My situation was broadly to similar to that which OP and a couple of other posters have described. But I wanted to have some self respect, I wanted to show my DCs that its not ok to live like this with one parent doing everything, and the other resentful they have to lift a finger. My mum always said she would leave my dad and died before she could manage it, that was in the 70s.

Interesting that certain posters are advocating staying but with almost a hint of superiority about it - a sort of "I was very sensible and stayed" vibe.

Back to you OP - H and I did a Relate course of 6 sessions, wherein H denied doing anything wrong (seems to be a script) and said he had no idea there were any issues. Counsellor had heard it all before, as I say there's a script maybe this one is particular to long term marriages and older men. At the end I said look I don't care if you want to blame me entirely, whatever you say, its now over and I can leave the marriage. I needed the counsellor in the room to say that, so maybe its something you can consider OP; it was cathartic. I still remain sad and somewhat resentful, but I'm seeing it through. I want to live alone and not feel sick every time I hear a key in the door.

irreverent · 29/03/2023 01:36

You're justified in how you feel (we always are, you can't help how you feel), but I understand why you feel conflicted. From what you describe in the original post he's not a bad man, he's much better than I ever was in fact. But I think you've probably known for a while that you weren't happy, the fact your kids have reached 16 now suggests to me that you've probably been staying in the relationship for them? I'm not going to offer any suggestions, I think you know what you want to do and what is right. Just don't feel conflicted about it. But yes, it'll take a long time to adjust.

irreverent · 29/03/2023 01:39

irreverent · 29/03/2023 01:36

You're justified in how you feel (we always are, you can't help how you feel), but I understand why you feel conflicted. From what you describe in the original post he's not a bad man, he's much better than I ever was in fact. But I think you've probably known for a while that you weren't happy, the fact your kids have reached 16 now suggests to me that you've probably been staying in the relationship for them? I'm not going to offer any suggestions, I think you know what you want to do and what is right. Just don't feel conflicted about it. But yes, it'll take a long time to adjust.

Early teens, not sure why I thought 16, but yeah, the rest of what I said

80s · 29/03/2023 09:15

it is possible to remove those feeling of resentment and refocus on yourself and your kids so that you can find a better balance for your MH
This is what I did too - and when I look back at the later years of my marriage as he was there less and less, I still feel positive about my life then, as the kids were great and we had a nice time together. The marriage was meh, but mostly not an issue then (as in "you don't miss what you've never had").
If my exh had not had an affair, my plan was to have waited until the children left home and see whether he'd unexpectedly returned to the land of the living at that point.
When he had his affair it was horrible as it made him worse (even less respect, more cut off). And I am now not in as good a situation re finances/home as if we were married. But my life still feels better. I don't think that is just because I'm trying to make the best of it. I feel happier more of the time.
I'm glad I didn't feel like I had to make a decision.

Ooonafoo · 29/03/2023 10:14

There are lots of ‘investments’ and ‘securities’ in life …. Money is just one and IMHO not the most important.

Make choices to do what you need to do to build your sense of self, invest in your emotional well-being, nourish your soul etc first.

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