Was going to propose but now….

[Herewegoagain22]

I’m 33 and never been married or had children. I’ve been in a few long term relationships. I’ve been with my partner for a year and this is the relationship I’ve been waiting for. It’s everything I want and need. My partner is 26 so I understand the age gap but it doesn’t feel like there is one. For context, we are in a same sex relationship. And both had a lot of life experience and tragedy’s that have brought us closer. She is everything I want in life. I would love to propose and then perhaps after a few years, once we’ve hit some life goals we look at getting married.
I am extremely close to my mum, she’s like my best friend. I discussed it with her and she thinks it’s too soon. Now she’s very old school in her thinking. But she shocked me by saying not only is it too soon and wait a few years but if I want to get married ‘don’t have a big wedding and just go away and make it legal and come home’ she said don’t invite anyone and I don’t even have to invite her if I don’t want to. She has always been great with my sexuality but this is making me feel like I’m an embarrassment, if she doesn’t want anyone to see me getting married and I should just go away and do it. My mum is all I have, we have no other family through tragic circumstances, and my mum is 60 and is always making comments about not having much time left (before she dies), so why would she not want to see milestones in my life? I can’t help but feel its embarrassment. She is the best and most supportive mum, but I think this bothers her. She’s very adamant that it’s not the right time etc, yet says she really likes her and thinks she’s great for me, but I think the age gap is an issue for her.

I was so excited to propose I’ve waited a long time to find the right person in my life, I’m 34, I never thought I would and now it’s had a dampener on it. Is a year too soon when you truly know yourself it’s the right decision? Sorry I just feel a bit meh and conflicted right now

Tricky. Are her friends and family aware? Could it be about finances? Have you discussed with your partner? Perhaps it is because you don't have much family and she's worried about who to invite, or something like that. I wouldn't assume it's because you are gay.

A year is too quick in my opinion. Why such a rush? Your DM may be thinking about the financial costs involved in a huge wedding and not want you to feel pressured into having a big one. My MIL bullied us into having a full wedding, whereas it was originally booked for just us two. I was young and agreed to what she wanted because she said I'd regret not having everyone there. Thirty years later I wish we'd done it privately. I don't like being the centre of attention. Unless you ask your DM you are only guessing her motives.

I think you need to ask her why she thinks you should just go make it legal and not invite anyone. It could be that she sees it as very expensive now compared to when she was younger. If she was married and it didn't work out she might regret the wedding. She might have done a big wedding and hated it. Not everyone is a fan of a big wedding and especially the cost so this may not be anything to do with sexuality. As for saying its too soon lots of people seem to think a year isn't enough but 5 is too long. There is no right or wrong in time

Your mother’s motivation is unclear. It could be money. It could be homophobia. It could be the age difference. It could be she doesn’t like big parties. It’s just hard to say.

I would wait to propose though, and it has nothing to do with your mother. Getting engaged without intending to actually get married until a bunch of checkboxes are ticked off has always struck me as odd. You don’t need to be engaged for years. One year is plenty to plan a wedding.

A year is too soon IMO.

As for the wedding, we’re currently going through the worst cost of living crisis in a long time, and weddings are expensive, and in my personal opinion, if you’re already living together, a waste of money, not only for the couple but for the people you’re inviting who might not actually be able to afford to go out for a big wedding.

I had a fairly mediocre wedding, but I was all for going abroad but ILs persuaded us otherwise.

If I were to get married again it would be a trip to the registry office in my lunch break. Not a chance in hell would I spend several years’ mortgage payments on a party.

And getting engaged is purely symbolic if you’re not actually planning to get married. if you want to get married you should be planning a wedding with the engagement as part of that. If you’re not able or ready to do the actual wedding yet then you’re not ready to be engaged.

I agree that she is probably trying to make you feel like you don't have to have a big old wedding with everybody you've ever met. There is no reason at all to assume she thinks you are an embarrassment. She sounds like a great mother.

Your Mum's reaction is a bit strange considering you say she's fully supportive of you. It sounds like you're very close though, so maybe sit down and have a chat about things. Say you've been thinking about what she said, and you were hoping she could clarify what she meant.

As for the engagement, I don't think a year is too soon necessarily, it's the getting engaged with no plan to get married for a few years that would put me off. I don’t see the point really. And why couldnt you do the things you'd like to once you're married?

It's lovely that you've met someone you love. But why get engaged if you're not getting married? If you've got life goals ahead with no intention of marrying, just carry on dating. So many times long engagements seem to lead to stagnation in a relationship.

I agree with finding out the motivation behind your mums words by having a chat rather than wondering and assuming. It's so easy to let bad feelings fester and eat away at a close relationship.

Yep, you have to ask your mum why. Then you'll know. But while it's important for you to know from the point of view of your relationship with your mum, it doesn't affect what you do with your gf one bit. Have the wedding you and she want. Invite your mum if you want to, and she can decide whether to come or not.
Also, would your proposal be out of the blue? Or have you and your gf already discussed marriage in the abstract? Like have you discussed things like how you think finances would work in a marriage, children, long-term lifestyle choices etc? I think a year MAY not be too short to get engaged, depending on the relationship and whether you were friends before dating, but I really recommend discussing all the major things before anyone proposes. Otherwise the proposee doesn't really know what they are saying yes to!

Mums motives could simply be that she sees something in a person you don’t.

happened to me - we had a huge bust up over it - which we never recovered from and only a few years later, I realised she was right, and I’d wasted a lot of time and money on the wrong person, hoping things would work out. Mum died before we’d ever had a chance to make up properly.

on the other hand, it could be a time issue, or some sort of issue with your sexuality. Whatever awful label people put on these things - xxxxxphobe etc, bear in mind that not everyone is open and understanding and there can be a lack of understanding about how open our society is today in those from a different time - or indeed, see a different reality too which you don’t - essentially a parent can be fine with your preferences but may also believe others won’t be so accomodating and doesn’t want you to get hurt.

Just get to the bottom of her motivations and don’t be too quick to judge her, as some on here already appear to have.

whatever happens, hope it all works out for you all.

I think it’s way too soon.

If everything is going as well as you say then just carry on. If it’s not broke don’t fix it as they say.
Whats the rush for you to get married?

I would also not like to get married at 26 and you do need to recognise that being 26 is very different to being 33 and I do think after 30 you start thinking about these things more.

I would also like to have a very small wedding and so I understand how she feels.
In most weddings the bride has the biggest say and the groom often just goes along with it.

If you ever get married it would need to be a compromise.
Neither of your wishes trump the other.
It should just be a small wedding in this country with a couple of close family members/friends.

Are you hoping to have children soon?

Sorry I just realised it was your mum who said it was too soon.

I do agree with her that it’s too soon but I’d be upset about her saying that it should be a small wedding etc.

I don't understand the point of getting engaged if you aren't thinking of getting married for a few years. But that aside I can hardly say it's too soon as I was engaged after knowing my husband got ex weeks! However we were 39 and 43.
As for your mum, first off I'm 60 with a child still in school and you can reassure her (unless she has some serious health issues) she's probably got another 20 years to look forward to! And you're right it dyed t make sense maintaining that and then telling you to wait.
As for the actual wedding, do the one you want. It's a declaration of your love for each other, and your mum may have an opinion, but it's your wedding (and of course your partner has a say too)!

Why would you want to propose now anyway if you want to then wait a few years before getting married? Just propose when you actually want to get married

would love to propose and then perhaps after a few years, once we’ve hit some life goals we look at getting married.

Yes,perhaps it's this part that your mum is not approving of. You get engaged then you get married. Not look at getting married after some life goals.

I don't necessarily think a year is too soon to get engaged as you are a bit older. I would if you were 22.

@Herewegoagain22 You say you've been bought closer by tragedy and life experiences, how long ago were they? There is a reason they say not to make any big decisions off the back of life changing events. If you've recently lost a lot of people close to you, or another tragedy has recently struck, there is a big chance you're not making this decision for the right reasons.

If your mum is otherwise accepting of you perhaps it isn't anything to do with your sexuality at all. Maybe she sees you on a downward spiral as a result of the misfortune that has befallen you and knows she can't stop you but is also finding it hard to watch? Maybe she recognises that with time you're likely to regret your decision and is trying to minimise the money you spend making it?

You could be 100% right that she isn't comfortable with either your sexuality or the age gap. Maybe she thinks you marrying your partner means she won't get grandkids? You say through tragedy you're her only family. She has already lost everyone bar you, maybe she was hoping the future would bring her more family in the form of grandkids? She is now grieving for not returning to having more family in the future too. Not entirely reasonable but grief can express itself in some odd ways.

I proposed after a year of knowing my now husband and this year we're celebrating 9 years married 😁 If you know, you know. Hugs!

Why propose at all yet if only thinking of getting married in a few years time anyway? Are you 33 or 34, you seem undecided?

I don’t think a year is too soon as I am married for 12 years and we got engaged after that time and married 5 months later (though in your 20s as your partner is - I would wait a little and have longer engagement)

your mum is afraid of losing you I think - it’s really a shame she can’t enjoy this special time

I’m in a heterosexual marriage but my mum was ‘oh I’m delighted for you’ but then made little digs and put downs and it broke our relationship a lot

I would try and ignore this behaviour from your mother if you can (but I know that is hard when you have no other family)

I wonder if you want to propose to tie your partner down and wonder if mum sees this too?
Really happy that you've found someone perfect, but proposing with no real intention of marrying (yet), after just one year, and with her being only 26, doesn't feel like a love story... could just be me tho.

Your Mum's advice is exactly the advice i would give. A year is too soon, maybe this coming NYE would be the perfect time. As for going away and getting married quietly, you mum is trying to save you from a circus. The whole "sharing" your special day is ok if it is just the people you love most but when it gets to inviting people you speak to once in a blue moon, it is ridiculous. The costs are eye watering and nowhere near worth it for a few hours. Maybe you should tell your Mum you can't imagine not having her there, maybe she feels she would be in the way.

Why are you mum wishes important?
I think your mum is giving you permission to have the wedding you want .
The person you should be talking to is your partner not your mum or mumsnet.
Please communicate with your partner otherwise your realtionship does not stand chance .

Your mUm may like your DP but also, is aware of her age. 27 is quite young to commit yourself for ever.

I would love to propose and then perhaps after a few years, once we’ve hit some life goals we look at getting married. is a bit half hearted ; not exactly a total forever commitment. So I think Mum also thinks you're not ready either.

We want a lot in life, to purchase an house together and want children and a wedding. We can’t have everything at once, so discussed the fact it would be nice to get engaged first and work towards everything else in time. But it seems everyone thinks it’s too soon, and pointless if we aren’t going to plan a wedding immediately. I know people who have been engaged for years. I guess everyone has their opinions and I did ask for thoughts, I appreciate them and thank you all for taking the time to write back to me. The age gap is always at the back of my mind. But we have always been on par with our wants in life and there is no pressure to go full steam ahead until we’re
both ready. I’ll probably not look to engaged now, not for a couple of years. Thanks again to everyone for chipping in 🙂

I agree that one year in is probably too soon to propose, you might be ready but what about your partner?
As to a long engagement, I disagree with most posters. My DH and I had a long engagement, almost 3 years by the time we got married. There were a few life goals we had in the works prior to the engagement which pulled funds so the wedding was pushed back. It worked for us!