Was going to propose but now….

[Herewegoagain22]

I’m 33 and never been married or had children. I’ve been in a few long term relationships. I’ve been with my partner for a year and this is the relationship I’ve been waiting for. It’s everything I want and need. My partner is 26 so I understand the age gap but it doesn’t feel like there is one. For context, we are in a same sex relationship. And both had a lot of life experience and tragedy’s that have brought us closer. She is everything I want in life. I would love to propose and then perhaps after a few years, once we’ve hit some life goals we look at getting married.
I am extremely close to my mum, she’s like my best friend. I discussed it with her and she thinks it’s too soon. Now she’s very old school in her thinking. But she shocked me by saying not only is it too soon and wait a few years but if I want to get married ‘don’t have a big wedding and just go away and make it legal and come home’ she said don’t invite anyone and I don’t even have to invite her if I don’t want to. She has always been great with my sexuality but this is making me feel like I’m an embarrassment, if she doesn’t want anyone to see me getting married and I should just go away and do it. My mum is all I have, we have no other family through tragic circumstances, and my mum is 60 and is always making comments about not having much time left (before she dies), so why would she not want to see milestones in my life? I can’t help but feel its embarrassment. She is the best and most supportive mum, but I think this bothers her. She’s very adamant that it’s not the right time etc, yet says she really likes her and thinks she’s great for me, but I think the age gap is an issue for her.

I was so excited to propose I’ve waited a long time to find the right person in my life, I’m 34, I never thought I would and now it’s had a dampener on it. Is a year too soon when you truly know yourself it’s the right decision? Sorry I just feel a bit meh and conflicted right now

I would re-asses the relationship with your mother. You are separate people. You are an adult. Something is off here.

(I'm also aware lesbians tend to advance relationships forward at jet speed.)

I got engaged after a year and I can guarantee it was too soon. I'd say after living with the person a year you'd get a better idea about true compatibility. I'd never make that mistake again as you don't truly know someone until you're deeper into their lives

It’s silly to get engaged if you’re not planning a wedding in the near future.

I think your mothers reaction is curious and I would wonder about her motivation, I suppose to give her benefit of the doubt it could be money related. I think you need to ask her.

That aside, as to the engagement itself, I do not understand your motivation. I can see no point whatsoever in getting engaged when there is no intention to even think about the wedding for a few years. Seems like an empty gesture to me, I would not have been at all pleased if that is how my husband had been thinking when we got engaged.

Having got married 6 weeks after meeting my dh I'm in no position to judge whether it's too soon or anything.

However, I would say that your mum is most likely giving you the option of not 'wasting' and large sum of money on a wedding. She is saying that whatever you do is fine by her. I personally wanted to just go away, get married and then come back and tell everyone, throw a massive party with all friends and family. DH wanted a normal but boring registry office wedding with his mum etc. I caved and regretted it tbh. It was OK, because we went to Salisbury the next day and we jumped over his sword at Stonehenge so that satisfied me.

We're still married after 25+ years. It's been hard at times, I nearly left him with dd once (some people think I should have) but there are ups and downs in every relationship and he's turned into a human being....😃

You mentioned that there has been some tragedy in your family and I wonder if your mum had a moment to think "It's just going to be me - there's nobody to give her away [horrible concept anyway], be the chief bridesmaid, go dress shopping, organise the reception..." and is speaking out of pain of grieving for people she might wish to have been there?

Or maybe she just thinks weddings are a waste of money!

I hope you can sit and have a talk with her and find out where she's coming from.

At your ages I don't think it's too soon to propose (and I don't think the age gap is significant) as long as you've been living together for at least 6 months and are on the same page with life goals. However I would not propose without having a date range in mind for the wedding itself - I think anything over 18 months is a bit like kicking the can down the road.

My husband proposed less than 2 months after I moved in (and we moved in very quickly) and we married about 18 months later. But then we split up after 5 years, so make of that what you will 😁

If you want a house and children, you can have a marriage without spending a huge sum of money on a wedding. You can do the wedding first and then work towards your other life goals together as an economic and legal unit. It doesn’t even have to just be a registry office wedding with no celebration, just have a wedding you can actually afford without debt so you don’t interfere with your other dreams.

I think there’s a big thing around “proposals’ at the moment, maybe to do with so many people putting them on social media. It seems like a life event.

But the real life event is getting married, not the proposal. You’re not ready to get married yet, so the proposal, whilst no doubt sweet and romantic, is just an empty gesture at this stage.

I think that if 'what your mum says' influences whether or not you propose marriage to your partner, you're not ready for marriage, as an individual. Marriage is you two, united, against the world. If your mum's opinion is interfering with that, the union isn't strong enough for marriage.

Ideally I'd say it's usually better to be together for more than a year before getting engaged but it's not hugely quick. You say you want children - if you're 34 and you want to be the one who is pregnant then I wouldn't wait too long to get engaged if it's important to you to be married first. Especially since getting pregnant will be less straight forward for you then for most heterosexual couples.

I know it feels disappointing not to feel supported by your mum, but best just to put it behind you and work out what's best for yourself.

I think you need to talk to your Mum to sort this out. It could be that she's jncimfirtabke with the idea of you marrying another woman. Like it's ok while you're young and dating/seeing people, but she expected you to grow out if that phase and marry a man. She wouldn't be the first parent to think like that!! Equally it coukd be the fact that tragedy means there's only the two of you (🌷) so why have a big wedding costing £££ when you found out that into a house/baby fund. Talk to her.

As for 'is it too soon'??? Getting engaged means very little to be blunt and you don't want to get married for a few years, so to me it's pointless, but if it makes you happy?!

IF you swerve the BIG wedding you can have the marriage, the house & have the funds to try for a baby.

personally I'd rather do that than have a big wedding.

'propose' is really redundant when you have discussed it, you need to talk to your parter (again) about all of it or she's going to be on edge waiting for you to 'propose'

The age difference is nothing!