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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think DH could be talking to someone else

49 replies

Fmlrightnow · 26/03/2023 02:17

Name changed as I've already had an awful week which I've been posting about. I don't want this talked about too.

I went to forward myself something on DH's phone and saw a picture and name of someone I didn't recognise. My face dropped and DH asked what happened so I pretended it was nothing and that I was just confused about where to find what I was forwarding.

I opened the message and it's just a general greeting from the woman and then DH responds with the name of a bar. The thing is the bar is a few towns over. DH has ever been there before unless he's lied about being at work and met someone there, out of the way.

We've got a joint account for bills and separate for the rest so I won't be able to see if he's paid there.

What do I do? Do I confront him?

OP posts:
roseheartfly · 26/03/2023 02:34

When were the messages? And was DH out around that time?

Original poster
Fmlrightnow · 26/03/2023 02:42

@roseheartfly he should have been at work. I've never thought otherwise except he's coming home later than his work hours by up to 40 mins sometimes. One day he came home extra early and he brushed it off. I said how come they let you go early and it was almost as if he forgot he wasn't meant to be home at that time.

I want to confront him with his phone but I'm worried he's going to wriggle out of it.

Just the other day he said he could BS for a job if he needed to and it made me think twice of how well I know him.

OP posts:
YouTarzan · 26/03/2023 02:54

It doesn’t sound like you love him

Hamburgerandchips · 26/03/2023 02:59

YouTarzan · 26/03/2023 02:54

It doesn’t sound like you love him

What!! Where are you getting that from?!

Hamburgerandchips · 26/03/2023 03:02

OP are you able to bide your time and observe/get more evidence. It's not blindingly obvious he's having an affair unless there's other change in his behaviour you've observed?

YouTarzan · 26/03/2023 03:49

Because she’s talking to us, rather than him.

merlinpass · 26/03/2023 03:52

YouTarzan · 26/03/2023 03:49

Because she’s talking to us, rather than him.

Get a grip.

surlycurly · 26/03/2023 03:54

I don't like the comment about being able to lie if he has to. Especially in view of the circumstances here. It may be innocent to bough but it doesn't look good. Is there any other evidence?

merlinpass · 26/03/2023 03:54

You can either bide your time and watch and wait and snoop and drive yourself nuts or you can have the conversation with him and ask who she is and why he is meeting her in bar X? You could ask that simply, and perhaps not mention the message. As though there is a chance you've been told about it?

Be prepared for him to wiggle
Out of it but also be ready to ask for his phone before he can get to the bathroom to delete any evidence.

surlycurly · 26/03/2023 03:54

*enough

ZekeZeke · 26/03/2023 04:24

Do nothing for the moment gather evidence so he cannot squirm his way out.

Use contraception!

Antiquiteas · 26/03/2023 06:58

YouTarzan · 26/03/2023 02:54

It doesn’t sound like you love him

What?

Mumma · 26/03/2023 07:04

I dont think a 'general greeting' and name of a bar is a sign of cheating. Sounds like maybe someone he works with and he gave a reccomendation or something? He would be hard pushed to have an affair in 40 minutes a day...

Mrstiggywinkle44 · 26/03/2023 08:01

It's really hard OP I've been through similar. It will drive you nuts if you let it. Try not to let it . Try to get more evidence or ask him outright who it is. You could say you moved his phone and a notification came up from her (some phones do this even on the locked screen, with part of message showing ) it could all be nothing but I know it's hard

Zanatdy · 26/03/2023 08:05

You need to ask him about it. You’ll drive yourself crazy otherwise. It’s either that or spend some time gathering some evidence to prove he’s cheating (if he is). It doesn’t sound good does it. But it could be something innocent. Do you think he took a half days leave and spent it with her (hence why he was back early)

Fluffodils · 26/03/2023 08:08

Yeah sorry. I think he's been seeing someone. Might be an escort I guess.

Lydiahateswashing · 26/03/2023 08:22

Use find my iPhone to see where he is going.

Mercyovermerit · 26/03/2023 08:45

YouTarzan · 26/03/2023 02:54

It doesn’t sound like you love him

How unfair of you to straight up assume this.
Takes a lot less to be kind.

Shoxfordian · 26/03/2023 08:46

Has he cheated before?

baileys6904 · 26/03/2023 09:06

@Fluffodils wtaf

Blimey, if life's thrown things at you so much that's this is your initial thought, I'm so sorry for your pain

Fluffodils · 26/03/2023 09:08

baileys6904 · 26/03/2023 09:06

@Fluffodils wtaf

Blimey, if life's thrown things at you so much that's this is your initial thought, I'm so sorry for your pain

I really couldn't think what else it would be tbh. It's the most likely option.

baileys6904 · 26/03/2023 09:14

@Fluffodils if escorts are the most likely answer to your experiences, perhaps you need to raise your game with who you surround yourself by

motherofkevinnotperry · 26/03/2023 09:18

It could be anything. He might have been asked for a recommendation. He might have been telling her where someone else had gone after work. He might have been telling her where to avoid!

You've got nothing at the moment. If you don't trust him then you either consider why that is and work from there or you gather more information.

Don't confront him on what you've got because you've got nothing factual only a suspicion. If he is he'll obviously deny. If he's not you're ruining your relationship based on your own issues which are the real route of the issue here.

Fluffodils · 26/03/2023 14:05

baileys6904 · 26/03/2023 09:14

@Fluffodils if escorts are the most likely answer to your experiences, perhaps you need to raise your game with who you surround yourself by

I said seeing someone else. Or maybe just an escort rather than a full on emotionally charged affair. One or the other. Escort least likely as that would cost money.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/03/2023 14:13

Tell him you've heard about this lovely bar in x town and you want to go there with him tonight.

The look on his face will tell you everything you need to know.