Think DH could be talking to someone else

[Fmlrightnow]

Name changed as I've already had an awful week which I've been posting about. I don't want this talked about too.

I went to forward myself something on DH's phone and saw a picture and name of someone I didn't recognise. My face dropped and DH asked what happened so I pretended it was nothing and that I was just confused about where to find what I was forwarding.

I opened the message and it's just a general greeting from the woman and then DH responds with the name of a bar. The thing is the bar is a few towns over. DH has ever been there before unless he's lied about being at work and met someone there, out of the way.

We've got a joint account for bills and separate for the rest so I won't be able to see if he's paid there.

What do I do? Do I confront him?

Why do you need to"confront " him ? Do you always " "confront" him when you are asking a question?
Is there something in your relationship that makes his having good somewhere that you may not have known about necessarily something wrong or nefarious?

Do you always monitor his arrival time such that 40 minutes late or coming earlier is cause for suspicion?

Why not just "ask" rather than" confront " him about what you saw and where your thoughts immediately went?

I want to confront him with his phone but I'm worried he's going to wriggle out of it

I think this shows that you already don't trust him, so whether he's seeing someone else or not is after the fact. What makes you think that your otherwise loving, respectful, caring partner would wriggle out of a simple and serious question? I suspect he's not as loving as he might be, otherwise you wouldn't expect him to wriggle, you'd expect him to respect your question, and your need to ask it.

I think that on it's own isnt much but-

New person in phone
Naming a bar
Suddenly and consistently coming home later
Claiming what a good liar he is

Would get most people a bit suspicious. I think I'd either try and wait a bit then have a proper look through his phone. Or tell him one of your mates saw him in a bar in (town 40 min away) but you told her he was working that day and it's weird as he must have a doppelganger, and see what he says

Also lots of people are saying just ask him. If he is completely transparent and a bad liar then thats a good idea...but the vast majority of men who would have an affair would also lie to their wives and try and convince them that they're paranoid for asking about an innocent work friend etc. I don't think it's that common for people who have been cheating to break down and confess everything as soon as they're asked about it

This is what he said - he was in a room with a colleague discussing recommendations.

I confronted him as I didn't want it to go missing at the time. I did ask to see his bank account to confirm he hasn't been going there as it's open during the afternoon. The reason for my suspicion is that he lies, lots of little lies or abstains from telling me the full story. There's a series of things which I explained to him after I apologised to him:

1. Lying. Yesterday morning I had an appointment and I needed DH home to take the baby so I wasn't late. Every time I have an appointment and DH goes out before (yesterday dropping older DC out somewhere) he will be later than planned so that a journey that takes 10 minutes to return from ends up taking 25-30 minutes and I'm rushed at the end and stressing about being late. When I realise he's not home at a certain point I'll start to call DH who doesn't answer. He then calls back after a good 5 minutes and will say there's traffic but I was so annoyed at this happening frequently that I'd checked the traffic and caught him in 2 lies. He then said he'd decided to check in his favourite shop to see what they had in and took another route home which ended up being longer and not shorter.

1. Late home from work. Sometimes 40 minutes late home from work. We live a short walking distance from his work so this is really excessive. Apparently there's been a few emergency meetings. It means I can't plan much in an evening as he won't send me a quick text to tell me he'll be late either as he says his department gets pulled in quickly just before they're due to go. Then on random occasions he will return from work early so I'd started to question his contracted hours.

1. Not mentioning things. When I asked to check his account he hadn't mentioned a large work bonus he'd received. I'm on maternity leave and I'm the main earner so I'm having to dip into my personal savings to support us. The choice to have another child, length of the maternity leave was mutual and I've also put my previous bonuses and all of an inheritance into family funds. I'd expect that in this scenario he put his bonus towards family funds. He said the bonus was paid to him in error and he didn't say anything because he wasn't sure he could keep it.

1. His usual bedtime is now 2am as he says he stays up late to watch TV.

I do feel bad for asking to check. He let me have his phone for half an hour before I confronted him and I couldn't find anything else. His phone lock code is the same. He often talks to me about people from work including women. I know he also messages them and I have no need not to trust him with that usually. It was a name I didn't recognise and the messages seemed suspicious like there might have previously been more to the conversation.

I feel reassured about the exchange. At the same time if it were a friend then I'd probably tell her with all of the above that she's being a mug.

To PP about when he gets home, imagine if I live next to work and come home 40 minutes later than I finish quite regularly then that's a bit odd isn't it? I noticed when he gets in for a few reasons but on its own it's not an issue.

I'm on maternity leave and notice because I'm trying to get dinner done and balance the needs of older DC and baby at the same time. I'm just fine doing that but older DC may ask for something messy/time consuming and I say "wait until your dad gets in please" then older DC asks how long it will be but from looking at the clock I don't know because he should be home so I obviously answer "soon/any minute now".

But someone close to me did die on their route home so if I do have any focus on that then it could also stem from an internal clock of asking myself when to panic after I've noticed he's not home yet. That is an issue I am addressing.

Potentially also wanting 5 minutes to breathe, think and go to the toilet in peace as well.

It sounds like you have got bigger problems in the marriage.

He goes out and takes longer when you have got important appointments?

He hid a bonus? Do you believe him when he says paid in error? Please stop dipping in to your own savings.

The little lies are utterly corrosive. You can't trust him or rely on him.

"3. Not mentioning things. When I asked to check his account he hadn't mentioned a large work bonus he'd received. I'm on maternity leave and I'm the main earner so I'm having to dip into my personal savings to support us. The choice to have another child, length of the maternity leave was mutual and I've also put my previous bonuses and all of an inheritance into family funds. I'd expect that in this scenario he put his bonus towards family funds. He said the bonus was paid to him in error and he didn't say anything because he wasn't sure he could keep it."

Well that at least sounds like absolute bullshit.

Ask for it to be transferred to the joint account and it can be repaid from there if needs be

Why do ppl always try to turn things around to sound like it's all the wife's fault? If he's coming home late and not telling his spouse he's been out drinking with another woman, obviously it is not innocent or he'd have no need to lie about it. And in that case the husband absolutely should be confronted. If he wants to see other women he shouldn't be married. At the very least, OP deserves honesty regardless his extra curricular and financial indiscretions.

To try to claim OP should just be content to carry on blindly while her husband lies to her on the regular is utterly ridiculous and harmful advice. It's okay to look out for yourself OP.

The reason for my suspicion is that he lies, lots of little lies or abstains from telling me the full story

How do you feel about this, @Fmlrightnow ? What impact does it have on your relationship? What would it be like if this didn't happen?

A marriage can't work if it isn't based on trust and I'd say your H has clearly broken that trust repeatedly with his constant lying. Whether he's cheating or not the lying on it's own would be a problem, how could you ever believe anything?

Questioning or confronting probably wouldn't get you anywhere seeing as he is proud of his ability to deceive and does so regularly over even seemingly small things.

What's with the need to confront rather than just ask, and why would someone not to result to trickery. No need to play Sherlock , just ask straight out. I would never assume that I know everyone that my husband knows , nor would I ever think to say that he has never been to a certain restaurant or bar. In the course of doing business ,we both meet many people most of whom never make it into our general conversation. We might also have work related lunch or dinner at various places with any number of people. If there is not something exceptional or particularly interesting these events are rarely discussed. Generally, we are trying to unwind from work not to extend the day into our down time.

When I use the word confront that implies a certain amount of anger or an accusatory tone. Generally when I want an answer to something that I have a question about or feel uninformed ,I ask rather than confront.

I don't assume because I don't know someone that he knows, that something secretive or underhanded is taking place. That is never my first thought, and I would never ask strangers before I asked him. If I assume or know him to be a liar, then we have bigger problems than who he might have spoken to in a pub.
.

My husband is a hermit, I know when he's been somewhere to a restaurant or bar usually because he doesn't go on nights out. I've tried encouraging him to go out with friends and colleagues but he prefers to be at home. We have young children so I'd assume he'd offer me the same respect as I do and that he'd tell me if he were going to a bar or restaurant. That isn't to say he can't cheat.

Lying is his biggest issue, about such silly stuff that I'd even forgotten because there's a hint of adapting my thought process to how he lies. I've noticed it's to cover his mistakes or people please usually but I fact check everything internally. If I had a random message saying he was having an affair - EA or physical - then I'm not sure I could trust him to say with confidence that I don't believe it. I've told him this and explained that I'd rather the truth but it's falling on deaf ears.

His communication is terrible when it comes to issues I try and talk about and I get a sense that he's checked out of our marriage, family life or just generally the life he's carved out (in terms of who he is outside of our marriage and family). Potentially he's depressed and wants peace to be left alone without demands but he really needs help if this is the case.

I've asked for counselling but it's met with annoyance and so is the suggestion that without it, we may not be able to get through this.

Don't be so sure, unfortunately. When I was having an affair, sometimes our messages were just one word "East" - a code name we had for the hotel we liked to go to. Or we'd arrange to meet up at "x" bar, but really we both knew it was "y" hotel round the corner from "x" bar. And our affair did start out as only 20-40 minutes a day.

Not saying your husband is cheating, OP. I've recently got a new job and I rarely leave on time due to last minute meetings. But do keep an open eye on things, for your own sake.

That's quite the extrapolation.

OP, talk to him, get it out in the open now.

The look on his face will tell you everything you need to know.

I see this said a lot and I totally disagree. I've had 2 exes lie very causally right to my face despite not expecting the questions.

One I only found out years later because he lied so easily I believed him at the time (I asked about a particular website he'd signed up to, he told me it was for work when it was a dating site! I had no idea because obviously I didn't use them so it was a long time after I realised what it was.)

The other I already had the evidence but wanted to see if he would 'own up' and what the excuses were. I can still remember looking at him denying it and wondering how he could lie so effortlessly without a hint of shame.

No hesitation from either of them. So while it might work for some, it doesn't always.

Not wanting to rouse your suspicions more OP, but when my ex was cheating, one of the telltale signs was him staying up until the early hours of the morning as that’s when he had time to himself to text her.

How did you find out @BertyMyrtle?

I've been talking to a therapist and one of the questions was "do you think he's really gaslighting you or do you think he's clueless and when you suggest he's up to something, he's genuinely not?" I am stumped every time I revisit the question. He seems aghast every time I say the only conclusion I am coming to is that he's speaking to someone else. He says it's him getting his personal time and falls asleep.

I find I'm trying to make time for him more to stay up with him and I find he's either frustrated/miserable I'm around or falls asleep and then loads the dishwasher once I go to bed then stays up hours later than that as well.

It's pissing me off because there are times he's no use due to tiredness and I can't rely on him to watch the kids.

@Fmlrightnow he wasn’t that clever and I could see he’d become friends with someone I was suspicious of on Facebook. She’d put her phone number on the internet to advertise her business and I checked WhatsApp only to see that they were on and off WhatsApp at the same times. He denied it all, swore on our children’s lives he wasn’t doing anything. It all came out a bit later though, when it spectacularly fell apart

@Fmlrightnow Why don't you engineer to turn up at your husband's work with/ without the children at the time he should finish? Perhaps you will then have more answers. If not then ask yourself, just how low are you prepared to let him take you? Stop asking him, demand to see his phone and if he isn't forthcoming, you have your answer.

Men often follow a rather predictable script when cheating, behaving exactly as your husband is doing now and mine and several million have done before. I too thought mine was suffering from depression when in reality he was busy shagging a woman of low self esteem.

You need to wise up OP as he is several steps ahead of you and you are leaking financially and emotionally everywhere to your detriment. To me you sound so resigned to the whole situation. Where is your anger? Sending you strength. You are worth so much more than this. Do you have any family/ friend support? If so, confide in a trusted someone.

I had a relatioship with a married man, at first I did not know he was married as we had dates after work, he called me everyday, text me during work hours and at home too until late.. One thing he did was paying always in cash but at first I just thought he wanted to be careful with his money and paying by cash you see more clearly where your money goes.

Could your DP be doing the same? Maybe he goes to bed late so he can talk with her and they see each other everyday after work..

I have seen his phone, I took it and said I needed to use it. I have his passcode. He seemed fine with it. I went through it and found nothing at all.

He's not doing anything like being more thoughtful of his appearance or anything like that but I wondered if it was online/EA where he sits in his car to send messages after work or when he says he's nipping out to buy something (and genuinely comes back with it). Otherwise it's someone at work he's sticking around with.

To me it sounds textbook cheating and we've had many heated discussions about him staying up late but it continues. He says he falls asleep but I know he does (at least eventually).

@Fmlrightnow

Hi OP, any update?

I’m also in the camp of if it’s a fairly decent relationship talk to him ! Ask him !

i get so sad with the bide your time idea
it’s a horrible half life

unless you don’t trust him and have never trusted him
thats a different kettle of fish