What made you think your partner was having an affair?

[AuntieN]

I am not sure if I am being paranoid or not… Something in my gut is telling me that things are not right. We have been having a rocky six months or so but are trying to work through things. We’ve been together 30 years. DH has changed the passcode on his phone, and last week I came up behind him and he was messaging someone. He slammed the cover closed on his phone and then was extra nice to me. He said he was looking up something on the net, but it was definitely a messaging app. Why lie if he was messaging a friend or his Mum/Dad or work? There have been a couple of times where he hasn’t realised I was around. He’s been looking at his phone with a look that I would describe as pure happiness or even love. Not the sort of look you have when Facebook throws something funny up at you, it was more than that. I’m worried I am seeing things where there is nothing to see because we have been having some problems. If I confront him without any evidence I will blow a hole in what remains of our marriage. If I really want to know I am going to either ask him, or try to find some evidence. Were there any hints that his attention might be elsewhere? He doesn’t go out often, so if it is an affair he’s either conducting it during the day when I am at work, he WFH, or it’s an emotional online affair… Sorry, I have rambled a bit…

Sadly, I think he's up to something, too. It's very hard to know what your next steps should be.

As trite as it may sound my gut was my first instinct. I felt it so strongly despite not having black and white proof. Your mind picks up on things subconsciously, it's a sense that women for all manner of reasons need to trust in.
I know this may not be the done thing but I'd try to have a look through his phone and go from there. If you confront him then you risk looking mad, and like you say you'll unravel anything left between you. You'll also put yourself so much on the backfoot that he'll probably see fixing the marriage as your job alone despite whatever has happened in the past to make things currently rocky between you.
You also need to work out if you want this marriage to work, if you do love him and (provided he isn't cheating) that whatever your other issues are/were you can work together to overcome them.

@DojaPhat - I'm sorry you went through that... It must be so hard...

Not related to my relationships but I once ignored my intuition which was screaming at me that something was wrong and really wished I had listened to it more...

Confronting without evidence is totally pointless as there is no reason for anyone to admit anything.

Gut can be right, or it can also be wrong. And mind can and does play tricks on people where they see what they think they are supposed to see.

At this point - i think you need to figure out what is really important to you. As you said - you have been having 6mo of rocky marriage and married for 30 years, but working on it? How? Are you in counselling? Are you both working on it?
OR - do you want to find a reason to end this marriage as it’s run its course?

I think you can’t do both at the same time o - can’t work on it, at the same time as being super vigilant and try to potentially catch him out.

So - if surveying him is the goal - there are strategies for that. Come home a few times unexpectedly, get a hidden camera, etc.

Or - you put more energy into the relationship and see what happens.

I think in a really long marriages people go through phases. Most marriages don’t last that long - so I am guessing a fair amount of work needs to be put in for the relationship to maintain not only partnership but also intimacy and attraction. There is a book that talks about some of the challenges and strategies - called ‘Mating in Captivity’.

Dh was out to 3 in the morning drinking with a new workmate. Then a week later he spent 2 and a half hours walking the dog. He only admited it when i checked his phone. He had not changed the code and forgotten to delete the latest text messages. But I knew deep down (not hard - who fucking walks a dog in the snow for over 2 hours!).

You have to get evidence - otherwise he will lie and start to cover up more effectively. Tough if he has changed the code.

Thanks for your reply... you have written down what has been bouncing around my head. we are not in counselling yet although it has been suggested. I don't want the marriage to end, unless there has been infidelity, in which case I am not sure how I would feel.

It must have been hard finding out. How are you now?
For me it is harder as he doesn't really go out much so there isn't anything obvious to ask about. This feeling is so strong though and his actions with his phone so odd. That's a change, he's never been secretive about his phone before.

I should say "harder to see what is going on" they way I wrote it sounded like you had it easy! Sorry!

Look - I think after 30 years together - relationships don’t bounce back together on their own. I do think people fall into patterns and it’s easy to just keep going by some sort of inertia.

I also can see that people naturally do like excitement and newness. So - if you got together as young people, and haven’t been with other people much - I can see how by mid life one can wonder - what is out there? How does it feel with others? Etc. I am not saying this to imply one needs to have an affair; or that it is in any way OK. I am staying that because I think hiding these natural feelings from each other is how people get into trouble in long relationships.

So - counselling is probably the only think that can help you both in trying to communicate and see where the other is at.

I don’t know if your H is having a midlife crisis and wondering -‘what if’. Or whether someone is giving him attention and it feels nice.
I do know - that personally - I would not have been able to stay with just one person from my youth into my middle age.
Not unless we are very open and connected and are able to talk frankly about all the challenges we encounter over the years.

@MMmomDD - you are very wise! We have been together since we were very young, early 20s. Communication was good but recently it has become very difficult. Whenever I raise issues to try and make things better he simply tells me I’m wrong. I’ve almost given up trying now. Perhaps we are at a natural end.

@MMmomDD - you are very wise! We have been together since we were very young, early 20s. Communication was good but recently it has become very difficult. Whenever I raise issues to try and make things better he simply tells me I’m wrong. I’ve almost given up trying now. Perhaps we are at a natural end.

@MMmomDD - you are very wise! We have been together since we were very young, early 20s. Communication was good but recently it has become very difficult. Whenever I raise issues to try and make things better he simply tells me I’m wrong. I’ve almost given up trying now. Perhaps we are at a natural end.

I was with my ExH for 25+yrs when he suddenly put a pin on his phone and started being very happy around the place. I would trust your gut.

Be prepared for what is likely to come, think finance, housing, pensions, future. Be ready to detach and make sensible decisions, don't listen to those who would whip you up into an angry frenzy. If you have dc together you will have to navigate special family occasions like weddings and birthdays.

I have family members who can't be in the same room as each other and their children were estranged from the "guilty" parent right up until that parent's death.

If you do split then it is entirely possible to do it quickly and without too much rancour, much as you might want to hurt him / them it's not worth it. FWIW my ex refused to consider counselling - he had met someone else (though denied it for months) and had already, in his own head, ended our relationship, there was no way back from that.

Similar situation for a co-worker. She was at the office all day and he was at home - with no transportation. She put a secret camera by their front door with a feed to her phone. The very next day she saw on her phone a woman walking in her door at home..... did not end well.

With my ex he had mentioned to me that a woman had got in touch with him on Facebook that he grew up with and then shortly after that the signs started. He was obviously messaging someone all the time, caught him taking selfies of himself, started going to the gym nearly everyday, got tattoos and started liking things he’d never previously liked. He was having an affair with her for nearly 2 years.

Working out more, wearing after shave & contact lenses, dressing better. Going out after work. I recognised all of this as the effort he had made for me in the beginning.
he also spent a lot of money on me. And mentioned her name a LOT

Really consider if you actually want to know. Because if you’re going to forgive and go through all that trauma there’s really no point.

If you do want to know buy a cheap voice activated recorder and put it in his office. Expect him to deny it and make sure you have support.

Your other option is to simply acknowledge something is wrong and has been wrong for at least 6 months. Also acknowledge he has little interest in fixing things. You will know in your gut whether he has emotionally left the marriage or not. If he has I would simply separate because gaining proof of his adultery will not bring him back into the marriage.

This might be very different to yours but I will share anyway.

I split up with my husband heavily pregnant with our now Dd. He has been distant after the birth and death of our first son. I assumed he was grieving or that's what he told me.

Emotional affair but had crossed into bodily cheating. My shame having to go have a sti check heavily pregnant was humiliating.

Signs for me was gut. Ridiculous really all he did was work and home. It was someone at work. He blamed the loss of our son and me for his reasoning.

-Checked his phone he had messages from a guys name (but the profile photo showed a girl - whom he worked with)

-mentionitis

• blowing really hot and cold from angry with me for no reason, to over the top loving (guilt I assume)

• very very critical of every flaw, didn't want to communicate or go to counselling.

You know if it was just sex I would have tried. But when I saw the words love... I just walked.

Happy ending though I remarried the love of my life. We co parent well (he married the ow so maybe actually it was love) and she's lovely to my Dd and that's all I care about. I still think his wife is too good for him tbh

I'm sorry, but if it has a tail and it barks, its usually a dog. You're more than likely not wrong.

I've newly learned (from this forum) there are several different types of legal recording devices that pose as every day items, I.e a calculater
One poster left it in her husbands car and caught him talking to someone he was clearly having an affair with. Of catching him out for proof to confront him this might help.

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I have thought about whether I want to find out and I do. If he has cheated, it’s a deal breaker. I need to know. I’m going to be patient and wait and see how things progress. Why is life so shit?

AuntieN hugs to you. Also have a think about if you did spilt where the money is, in whose name the assets are in. Maybe asking about that will show your DH is thinking about these things too…. Don’t be blindsided

not personal experience but reading the threads on Mumsnet many ‘very nice’ husbands suddenly turn into royal dickheads and try ti make it all their poor ex wives fault. They can’t bear to have been in the wrong. So she must be cast as the villain and treated accordingly when all she’s done is love her husband.

Maybe get counselling for yourself anyway ?

OK so before you go gung ho checking etc.. ask yourself if there is a big occasion coming up that he might be trying to organise something.. that might explain a few things.. this happened to me in a previous relationship turns out he was trying to organise a surprise party.. I accused him of cheating... :( he wasn't.. however sounds like things haven't been amazing anyway so would try to find proof so that you follow your gut and from my experience with my 2nd DH your gut is very reliable in these situations... a device is a good idea. just to see what is going on during the day when you are not around.. @Nessvan - what sites are recommended for recording devices etc.. any tips for AuntieN?? or try and go through his phone, laptop etc.. see what sites he has been on .. amazon any gifts.. zoom, teams, skype, etc.. whatsapp, facetime .. this may also reveal clues as to what he has been doing during the day.. also if he starts taking his phone into the loo.. or is careful not to leave it unattended etc.. if you don't have his pin.. a good tip is to sprinkle some flower or loose face powder on the screen.. it will then leave marks for password.. then you have password.. also if you buy a 2nd phone and put it incognito into his car.. you can see via google ( if you turn location on) where he is going.. does he go out in the evenings?

other tips - washing more.. buying new underwear - new shirts - more aftershave - not wanting sex or wanting a lot of sex, loosing cool for no reason, emotional ( ie tears in eyes) then also weird stuff like wearing an item that you haven't see before eg sunglasses ( they were hers in my case) mentionitis as described above, interested in things he wasn't very interested in previously eg a sport.. keeping more fit than usual.. etc..

Over explaining why he had to go and sort something out - hair cut more regularly , lost weight, turning phone face down always if he put it down, making sure he never left it lying around charging etc