What is the difference between 'settling' and reasonable compromise?

[settlingpoendering]

When I was growing up were always told that relationships are about compromise, working through things and commitment etc. I searched for 'settling' on mumsnet and a thread from 2010 said it's normal to settle. But now recent threads say this is a terrible idea. I feel like there is now an idea that we should have high standards.

I'm just generally confused now. What are the kinds of things it is reasonable to compromise on in a relationship? What is the difference between this and settling?

Compromise - I love and fancy this person but they don't tick every box on my list. But that's OK, it was a pretty arbitrary list in the first place.

Settling - I don't love/fancy this person but they tick most other boxes on my list and time is running out and I want to be married/have a child/live in a nice house in a good area.

That pretty much sums it up for me.

Settling is thinking you have no other option, compromise is realising no one is perfect imo

Settling in a relationship means being ready to accept less than what you want or deserve. Therefore, settling in a relationship can be a bad thing. When you decide to settle in a relationship, you choose to accept things that you deeply know don't sit right by you

Surely there is always another option ?

My mum told me that I was the type of woman men would settle for because I didn't have the looks/attributes for anyone to fancy me/fall in love with me and none of the characteristics/attributes that anyone would love.

I'd be the sort of woman that marry when they realise they can't have who they really want for home comforts and sex (which i must never deny them). If I was lucky.

I think men and women settle.for different reasons.

I thought my mum was really cruel.for saying that but, as time goes on, the more I think she might have been right 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm certainly more 'attractive' to men in my 40s than I ever was in my 20s and 30s 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yep. Staying single!

Compromise isn't a bad thing.

@GreyCarpet summed it up nicely.

Compromise is accepting that the love of your life is a shit cook. Settling is accepting your DH is a dickhead because you’re afraid of the alternative.

I wouldn’t read too much into the ridiculously high bar some MNettere have. I read a thread on here yesterday of someone who was going to LTB because he made a fart joke.. seriously!

Your mum was really fucking cruel @GreyCarpet

You may be more attractive to men now you're in your 40s because they've matured and realised what is truly valuable about a person. Doesn't mean anyone would be settling for you.

The word ‘settling’ implies you think you could do better but for whatever reason you are prepared to take this option. It’s a decision you’re taking alone.

‘I’m settling for this sofa because - although I’d rather have the more expensive option in the colour I prefer, and I can afford it - I need it before Christmas and that’s most important to me. It’s good enough.’

Compromise implies that there are disagreements to resolve with another party.

’I’m compromising on this sofa because I’d rather have the more expensive one in a different colour but my partner prefers the godawful leather recliner and I hate that so we’ve both agreed this one is fine.’

I don’t think, in most circumstances, that you should ‘settle’ in a relationship, because it implies there’s something substandard in the first place. But some people do ‘settle’ if they’ve decided e.g. stability and close friendship is more important than chandelier-swinging sex with a commitment-phobe.

Once you’re in a committed relationship though, there’s always compromise. You can’t be in a close relationship without it, really.

@NoSquirrels The 'big loves' of my life have been terrible people! The strongest honeymoon periods for me have always been the most anxious up and down ones, with those who are emotionally unavailable and you are always on edge. It was not like this with DP, has always been much more comfortable, although still with healthy sex life. Sometimes I wonder...is this settling?

@Angeldelight50 The best one I've seen is someone saying LTB because he snores.

I think women get so many confusing messages growing up. The whole idea about ‘settling is accepting less than what you deserve’ is a glaring example.
Universe doesn’t own us much.
And certainly it doesn’t have a plan to send us the perfect man we want (and hence deserve?) during our fairly short fertility window.

So yes - IF we want to have kids - we need to chose among what is available around us during that window. Or chose to have a child on our own.

I think far too many women have been taught the fairy tale - of having to find the Perfect One to have a family with. And nothing less would do. That of course leads to disappointments of two times - either not finding them in time. Or heartbreak when at a later stage he turns out to not deliver in the soulmate department.

What point am I trying to make? I guess that at some point many women do need to chose between having a child and chasing some dream. And I wish we stopped making them feel bad for apparent ‘settling’.

Well, then, to tell if it’s ‘settling’ you need to ask yourself what you think you deserve.

Do you deserve a life of emotional insecurity (with high highs as well as low lows) with a terrible person?

Or do you deserve a life of emotional stability (and great sex) with your DP?

Is what you’ve given up worth having at all? If it wasn’t, you haven’t ‘settled’ for less than you deserve, you’ve chosen to be happy, imo.

I definitely don't think that comfortable = settling! The dramatic highs and lows you experienced in the past were with people you were settling for, in that you were accepting (settling for) whatever they would offer. Compromise is finding the adult solution when you have different viewpoints, not putting up with someone who treats you like crap.

@BrainOnFire @NoSquirrels

I see, I think I had a different idea as to what settling is

Settling is when you know you're not in love with them but they're 'good relationship material'.

Compromise is accepting no one is perfect - e.g. DH can be a bit stubborn, lacks self-confidence and sometimes snores.

I'm not perfect either 😁

settling is ‘I have hit the point I want to marry, and you happen to be here. You are a nice bloke, have a decent job and no obvious weirdness. i don’t love you but I think you’ll do as a life partner. If you’re game I am.’

Compromise is ‘I love you and want to spend my life with you, even though I always thought I’d live in the country / not have step kids, but can put up with that as long as you can put up with ABC about me’

..I don’t think there’s anything particularly wrong with settling BTW - if you want to have kids with a partner it can be what you have to do. I can work out and long as you are both realistic in your expectations.

Compromise to some degree is inevitable. Even if not before commitment, certainly once you are in the partnership.

I think settling is choosing to be with someone even though they don't tick all the boxes and you're afraid you'll never find one who does. The 'he'll do' analogy.

I'll also add that I don't always think it's a terrible thing to 'settle'.

Settling implies there are negatives you are willing to overlook, I think, but that still bother you- but for whatever reason you want to be with that person.
compromise is part of a normal relationship in order to make it work. You’re never goin to agree on everything

I think the great high and lows, and a high state of anxiety, are signs it's an unhealthy relationship, not of big love - more like trauma-bonding. It can be addictive, though, that turbulence and rollercoaster.

Consistency and knowing where you are with someone isn't boring or settling - it's kind of the place you need to be with relationships. If you're hankering after the drama, then maybe it's something you should think about working through with therapy, rather than a lack in the relationship.

For me settling would be getting with someone because you don't want to be on your own or you feel like time's running out and there aren't any other options, or marrying a guy you know you don't love or fancy for the alleged security.

As an aside, I think snoring could be a legit reason for leaving someone if the circumstances were the snorer was refusing to acknowledge or try to address the problem and dismissing the impact on their partner > it's not so much whatever the issue is, but where someone is prepared to meet you and whether they take your wellbeing seriously . If someone just thinks you should suck it up, then how much of a shit do they really give about you?

Exactly staying or becoming single perfectly acceptable options surely.

@GreyCarpet
No, your Mum wasn't right and there was no reason for her to say this to her DD. I can't imagine the effect of this on you. Your Mum should be your champion.
She sounds cruel or (sadly) struggling with mental health issues. No-one should ever reduce another human being to a ticklist of 'desirable qualities'.
I am sorry you had to deal with this!

@Dyslexicwonder

Of course they are respectable options for many people, but personally I like having a partner.

I'm very lucky in that I have financial independence, capital & decent income, and had a baby from a fling in my twenties with no desire to have another. I don't feel much societal pressure to couple up either - many people I know are still single (partly due to the type of careers i've been in - lots of travel, freelancing etc). So I have no material need to be with someone.

And yet, I don't want to be single! I would like to share my life with someone, and my super sociable extrovert DC likes having someone else around. My mental health has generally much improved since being with my DP. I'm not sure if that is very wrong or backwards or something. I feel slightly guilty about it actually.

Nobody is perfect. Including, so I am reliably informed, me. Therefore all relationships inevitably involve compromises. Give and take. Negotiations.

I have to put up with my DP’s infuriating messiness & untidiness, insistance on getting up before 6 am and Tory politics. He has to put up with my grumpiness, impatience, introversion, Liberal politics and insistance on going to bed at 1am.

We do agree on the big, important stuff, though. And I do recognise that single women in their 30s who want to be mothers can face difficult choices between non-ideal options in a fixed timescale. Sometimes, in the absence of a Prince, the best available frog will have to do. That doesn’t justify, however, ignoring the massive, glaringly obvious red flags in potential partners which I read about so often on MN.