Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex wife drama

39 replies

Whoknows11 · 24/03/2023 23:34

Pretty much that really. Separately 3 years, she's moved on but obviously still holds lots of resentment and jealousy. When she has a go at him, she clicks her fingers snd says she needs to speak to him so they argue at length. Going round in circles. Last night it was gone 10pm when she went over to his (we don't live together) to argue. He allows it. I don't know why? Causing me to doubt us. It's never ending. Always a drama every month at least. He thinks they're friends, she's vile to him.
Any words of wisdom how to deal with this?

OP posts:
Newhousewhodis · 25/03/2023 00:49

Break up with him and find someone who doesn’t have ex wife drama?

spexsavers · 25/03/2023 00:54

What hold does she have over him? Is she gatekeeping his kids? He needs to set clear boundaries with her and stick to them, as well as making clear the consequences if she keeps harassing him. He then needs to follow through on these.

Otherwise, show him the door

ALLIS0N · 25/03/2023 01:00

Newhousewhodis · 25/03/2023 00:49

Break up with him and find someone who doesn’t have ex wife drama?

This. Life is too short.

Original poster
Whoknows11 · 25/03/2023 02:22

Children are older (teens) but she totally manipulates the situations. The eldest is now calling the shots also and has no respect for him. There are no boundaries you are right. He doesn't seem to want to put them in place. It's like he's been treated this way for years and he just puts up with it. I don't understand for a confident man why he allows it.

I feel wrong to say this but I've had enough.

OP posts:
Talon01 · 25/03/2023 06:47

Poor bloke.

I think you need to be honest and say this is what you need from him. He may not be able to do it. It's tricky with teenage kids as it's not really like he can get a court order ad shut her out.

Has he tried mediation or anything. Sounds like no boundaries.

If she's moved on why is she going round his house.

Original poster
Whoknows11 · 25/03/2023 06:49

Yep no boundaries.

No idea why she thinks it's normal behaviour to go round to his house late at night to argue with him. Even more why he allows it?

OP posts:
Talon01 · 25/03/2023 07:39

You've not mentioned the circumstances of their separation.

I'm not excusing him but suspect this is a case of she doesn't want him anymore but isn't happy with him having someone else / happiness etc. It's quite common unfortunately.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 25/03/2023 08:04

He needs some help and to develop boundaries
if he can’t do this then he needs to get some decent counselling

and you need a boundary which is to walk away until you see he’s trying to address it

its tricky shit , bit if it’s making you anxious ….

heidiwine · 25/03/2023 08:26

Honestly, it will never end. I’m 15+ years into a relationship where ex wife boundaries were never set/maintained (for fear of being alienated from children).
If I was the person I am now at the start of our relationship I would have laid down my own boundaries and walked away when they were breached - because they would have been breached as my DP still doesn’t have the courage to stand up for himself, preferring to ignore for an easier life.
You won’t be able to change him he needs to do that himself. Hindsight is an easy thing and while I’m happy in my relationship I still think I should’ve walked away at the start.

Original poster
Whoknows11 · 25/03/2023 08:38

Split 3 years ago during lockdown. Relationship had been doomed for years but came to a head, neither were happy and thought would be happier in their own. She quickly met someone from work, moved them in. He stayed single until he met me a year ago. We're v happy but she is v jealous.

She's still with the guy she met through work but he seems a door mat. How he'd think it was a good idea for her to go over to his late at night the have an argument is beyond me. It's clear she's using him financially and because she has a fear of being on her own. He just goes along with it!

Totally fearful of alienating the children. She's already doing a good job and then denies it.

I know he needs to set boundaries. They're not friends as she doesn't like him and is horrid to him.

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 25/03/2023 08:45

I think your partner needs to grow a backbone. This drama is not new and was there before you were in a relationship.

It's really up to him to stop it. I find it strange he hasn't esp. As the children are now teens.

NotNowMartha · 25/03/2023 08:56

I’m going to play devils advocate here and ask if you're sure you’re getting the whole picture?
I have a friend in a similar situation, though the timeframe is slightly different. She and her ex are still arguing about money/contact and he is very good at painting the ‘reasonable ex being very generous’ but is in fact royally screwing her over and being very agressive…but I only know this because I have been shown the messages he sends her.

Everyone thinks he is such a lovely guy, but actually its clear he doesnt give a stuff about himself and what he wants. No regard for his ex or the kids and how it all pans out for them. The teen kids in her situation wanting nothing to do with him speaks volumes…asp as the kids are intelligent and dont want contact with him because he uses the same tactics on them as he does with his ex. Yet he screams alienation at every possible moment. Its simply not the case.
I know there are some women who still play the power games after their ex’s leave…but in my (admittedly only annecdotal) experience a lot of seemingly reasonable men become asshats after the split.

NotNowMartha · 25/03/2023 08:57

Sorry that was meant so sy only gives a stuff about himself

NotNowMartha · 25/03/2023 08:58

How long were they together? How were they both left financially after the split?

Rainbowqueeen · 25/03/2023 08:58

Break up. He is clearly ok with the situation or he would have sorted it.

Daffodils320 · 25/03/2023 09:03

Was it really just that they agreed to split or was there more to it?

I ask because my exH and I split and presented it to the kids and most other people as 'one of those things' but historically there was a lot of infidelity on his side which came to light late on.

We have kept it looking amicable for the kids' sake but I have to admit to feelings of jealousy and anger towards him still and I resent his new happy relationship with a younger woman because I feel he doesn't deserve it and has 'got away with it'.
However, while I recognise these feelings in myself and hate them, I don't act on them and try to maintain a peaceful relationship with my children's father. But it's bloody hard at times.

My point is there may be deep rooted resentments there that you are unaware of. Otherwise her behaviour just seems a bit odd particularly as she has a new partner herself.

blackbeardsballsack · 25/03/2023 09:06

Whoknows11 · 25/03/2023 06:49

Yep no boundaries.

No idea why she thinks it's normal behaviour to go round to his house late at night to argue with him. Even more why he allows it?

Exactly. Because it's the dynamic that he also perpetuates. Get rid of him.

Thelifeofawife · 25/03/2023 10:40

If the kids were young I’d definitely say you’re better off walking away now, as you’ll have years of this.
As they are older their mum won’t be able to carry on like this much longer, and the kids will soon be too busy with their own lives. It’s whether you feel it’s worth the rough few years for the relationship you want later (which won’t be without its problems even then).

My DH ex is the same, she moved on but didn’t actually move on. Clearly very jealous and constantly wanting to show she has the upper hand. DH is like your DP and prefers to ignore/avoid therefore nothing gets addressed and it has caused issues. But I’ve learned to care less and I thank my lucky stars that I’m nothing like her; can’t just be happy with her own life so trying to cause drama all the time, and having such a hostile relationship with the father of her child unless she gets her own way.

It’s a long road either way and if you feel in a position to walk away then you should give yourself a chance meet someone who can give you the settled life you want and deserve.

KettrickenSmiled · 25/03/2023 13:21

Any words of wisdom how to deal with this?

Yes.

Stop excusing it as ex-wife drama & start naming it for what it is - boyfriend drama.

If he wanted to shut her shit down, he'd do it.
If he was genuinely worried about parental alienation, he'd be buttoning down solid access arrangements via court, & focusing purely on his DC, not his ex.

drpet49 · 25/03/2023 13:29

Whoknows11 · 25/03/2023 06:49

Yep no boundaries.

No idea why she thinks it's normal behaviour to go round to his house late at night to argue with him. Even more why he allows it?

She’s still controlling him, that’s why.

category12 · 25/03/2023 13:42

Are they actually arguing? Or are they still shagging?

ChristmasFluff · 25/03/2023 13:56

OP, the only boundaries you need to worry about are your own. Are you the sort of person who comes second to ex-wife drama or aren't you?

If you are, crack on. If you aren't, end the relationship.

His boundaries are none of your business. Focus on your own.

SweetCoriander · 25/03/2023 13:58

I'd also be wondering why your boyfriend is telling you all this stuff. What kind of reaction is he hoping for from you?

LoekMa · 25/03/2023 14:07

Start hanging around the ExW new office man's place.

If she's coming around your partner unsolicited, maybe her new man could do with additional attention💅

GreyCarpet · 25/03/2023 15:24

Poor bloke.

Really? He doesn't have a voice then? Can't put boundaries in place? Please.

Swipe left for the next trending thread