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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Moody because I am going out

54 replies

Roo1808 · 24/03/2023 20:48

SIL messaged earlier on asking if I wanted to go out for a few drinks tomorrow night. I told DP and straight away he said no. I told him I have my own voice and that actually I might do. Anyway, I stuck to my guns and I am looking forward to a night out. I never ever get to go out due to childcare plus I don’t have many friends but his mum is having our DC over night tomorrow (this was already planned before I was asked to go out) I’m a SAHM so life can be hard sometimes and lonely plus DP has a hobby that he goes and does twice in the week and all day every Saturday. His friend messaged him during the week and asked if he wanted to go out tonight and I never said anything about it, in fact I encouraged him but he hasn’t gone out. He’s been a bit moody with me since I told him I am going although he says there’s nothing wrong with him. But the shift in his mood from before SIL messaging me to now says different. Am I actually doing anything wrong with going out because it feels like I am?

OP posts:
pictoosh · 24/03/2023 20:53

No of course you’re not. He’s not your keeper. Enjoy yourself.

Bananalanacake · 24/03/2023 22:45

Is he like this every time you go out. He sounds controlling.

Angeldelight50 · 24/03/2023 22:49

You lost me at ‘he said no’.

Pixiedust1234 · 24/03/2023 23:25

He can go out three times a week but you can't go out once?

Not normal. At all. Hopefully he isn't always like this (but I can guess).

GrazingSheep · 24/03/2023 23:31

Am I actually doing anything wrong with going out because it feels like I am?

No you’re not. What you are doing wrong is accepting the complete imbalance in your relationship. Why can he do what he wants and you can’t?

Aquamarine1029 · 24/03/2023 23:33

Your partner is abusive and this isn't going to be getting any better. He's using the silent treatment and sulking to try and get you to back down and obey him. What a shitbag of a man. I'm willing to bet you already know how controlling he is and mostly walk on eggshells to keep him happy.

Fuck him. Get rid.

brokenarmabroad · 24/03/2023 23:40

When you say your DP goes out every Saturday, is that just during the day? Is it possible he was hoping that you would spend a rare childfree night as a couple? That could explain his being disappointed, although it doesn't justify passive aggressive sulking, and doesn't explain why you felt you needed to ask his permission to go out.

It also doesn't explain why you normally can't go out because of lack of childcare. Does he refuse to look after his own children in order to give you an occasional break?

discobrain · 24/03/2023 23:58

You're not doing anything wrong, he's being a moody prick.

Aussiegirl123456 · 25/03/2023 00:01

No you haven’t done anything wrong.

He probably thought he’d have a night of sex if your children were being babysat and you going out has put a stop to that. His problem.

Have fun, he’s not your gatekeeper.

Thisgirlcan21 · 25/03/2023 00:04

Is there other signs of jealousy and control. It sounds one sided. Please me mindful that you are entitled to a life too.

housemaus · 25/03/2023 09:34

So he spends hours out doing what he wants, every week - what would happen if you 'told' him no?

You're a grown woman. Nobody can tell you whether you're allowed to go out or not. The fact that he thinks he can is quite scary, and the fact that he's now creating an atmopshere as a punishment for you 'defying' him is also quite scary.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 25/03/2023 13:30

He is controlling and abusive. He is not the fucking Taliban, though he acts like it.

Train007 · 25/03/2023 13:34

Sorry but my husband has never told me I can't do something!What is his problem and why do you put up with this shit?

KILM · 25/03/2023 13:38

Erm... feel like you've dropped in the fact your DH thinks you need his permission AND he didn't grant it quite casually here.... is that normal? Why did he say no?

jannier · 25/03/2023 13:51

You don't go out because you have no childcare......what about him? So your home all day every day and every evening....why? Does he do anything around the home?
Why does he say no? Why are you asking?

Naunet · 25/03/2023 13:56

Oh god, SAHM, not married, controlling arsehole of a partner….OP, please, please get a plan in place for if you ever need to leave, even if you don’t think you will ever need it.

happysingleversary · 25/03/2023 13:59

You don’t need his permission
hes controlling and that’s domestic abuse

CleaningOutMyCloset · 25/03/2023 14:00

Have a lovely night out op

This is abusive behaviour by your dh, it's emotional abuse

romany4 · 25/03/2023 14:04

housemaus · 25/03/2023 09:34

So he spends hours out doing what he wants, every week - what would happen if you 'told' him no?

You're a grown woman. Nobody can tell you whether you're allowed to go out or not. The fact that he thinks he can is quite scary, and the fact that he's now creating an atmopshere as a punishment for you 'defying' him is also quite scary.

This ^^

I'd start telling him no all the time...
Works both ways..

billy1966 · 25/03/2023 14:15

You are in a controlling abusive relationship and you need to start doing some reading.

His moodiness is to punish you.

Thats what controlling abusive men do.

Ring Women's aid and they will confirm this.

Do you have full access to family money?

Start looking at returning to work.

You are very vulnerable living with a controlling man who thinks he can tell you when you csn leave the house.

Oh and he definitely isn't a good man.

Ghostbuster2639 · 25/03/2023 14:45

You need to start going out more often.

Emtaboo · 25/03/2023 15:32

You shouldn’t have to put up with this. I know when you’re in a situation sometimes, you can’t see the wood from the trees. This situation I can assure you, is not right. You deserve to be able to go out. The cheek of it, and your partner gets to have time for himself every week but is moody when you want to go somewhere! You’re left guessing if his moodiness is because you are going out. He’s controlling you. Go out and have a good time x

barbrahunter · 25/03/2023 15:43

I agree with the others. This is no way to live, you are an adult with agency. It is most important that you start looking for /training for a job as soon as possible.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/03/2023 15:47

You haven't done anything wrong at all.
Like others have said he is being abusive, one rule for him another for you, he doesn't get to answer or decide for you.

Don't let his sulky mood affect your fun night out, make sure you enjoy yourself and maybe have a long think about getting back to work so you are not so vulnerable.

AhNowTed · 25/03/2023 15:47

What makes him think he has a right to say no! Fucking hell. Controlling selfish arsehole.

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