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Original poster

Moody because I am going out

54 replies

Roo1808 · 24/03/2023 20:48

SIL messaged earlier on asking if I wanted to go out for a few drinks tomorrow night. I told DP and straight away he said no. I told him I have my own voice and that actually I might do. Anyway, I stuck to my guns and I am looking forward to a night out. I never ever get to go out due to childcare plus I don’t have many friends but his mum is having our DC over night tomorrow (this was already planned before I was asked to go out) I’m a SAHM so life can be hard sometimes and lonely plus DP has a hobby that he goes and does twice in the week and all day every Saturday. His friend messaged him during the week and asked if he wanted to go out tonight and I never said anything about it, in fact I encouraged him but he hasn’t gone out. He’s been a bit moody with me since I told him I am going although he says there’s nothing wrong with him. But the shift in his mood from before SIL messaging me to now says different. Am I actually doing anything wrong with going out because it feels like I am?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 25/03/2023 15:52

told DP and straight away he said no

DH is absolutely clear that if he ever said a flat no to me about anything, he could be absolutely clear that I would do immediately do whatever it was.

No that he ever would, but just sayin' it's really not normal for one adult to wield that sort of power over another.

Suetcrust · 25/03/2023 15:53

You absolutely must go out!
Do not deviate from the prospect of a bit of female company and a good time.
Your man child needs to grow up.
He’s being pathetic.

Newestname002 · 25/03/2023 16:25

@Roo1808

I told him I have my own voice and that actually I might do. Anyway, I stuck to my guns and I am looking forward to a night out.

Good for you! Don't deviate from this thinking for the future. Your partner does not own you and does not get to give you orders. Have a great time with your SIL. 🌹

perfectcolourfound · 25/03/2023 16:37

Your husband is meant to be your partner in life. Your are equals. Your views are as valid as his. Your needs are as valid as his. He isn't your boss or your parent. He isn't your jailer.

He thinks he gets to tell you that you can't go out? I hope you laughed at his idiocy.

And why does he think he gets to go out but you don't? Does he think only men get to socilaise, and if so, why?

I suspect he won't be able to vocalise his 'reasons' - certainly not in any way that makes rational sense.

Have your night out. Keep having nights out. You should get as much down time for hobbies / socialising / whatever you want to do as he does.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 25/03/2023 16:44

"Aquamarine1029 · Yesterday 23:33Your partner is abusive and this isn't going to be getting any better. He's using the silent treatment and sulking to try and get you to back down and obey him. What a shitbag of a man. I'm willing to bet you already know how controlling he is and mostly walk on eggshells to keep him happy.

Fuck him. Get rid."

All of this.. with bells on

Jules912 · 25/03/2023 16:48

If he never lets you go out run for the hills, he's trying to control you. If it's a one off it sounds like he was looking forward to spending a rare child free night together which is understandable. My DH and I go out separately often but it's really rare we can get childcare to do do together, so I would be pissed if he made other plans on one of those days.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/03/2023 16:52

What Aquamarine wrote.

I would like you to read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft because your man is in these pages.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

Controlling behaviour like he shows you is abusive behaviour and the only recourse in such circumstances is to firm up plans to leave. This is who he really
is and such men do not change.

He will find a way/s of "punishing" you for your night out; probably along the lines of silent treatment aka emotional abuse.

You're a SAHM, if you are planning on going back to work he will sabotage any and all attempts you make to do so.

namechange3394 · 25/03/2023 17:00

"I never ever get to go out due to childcare"

Why can't he look after his own fucking child? What an absolute prick.

Cherrysoup · 25/03/2023 19:14

Does he never look after the dc? He said no?! What right does he have to tell you no? (Clue: none!) Stick to your guns, OP, don’t allow him to control you.

Antiquiteas · 26/03/2023 08:49

I told DP and straight away he said no

Who the fuck does he think he is?

He’s apparently allowed two nights at his ‘hobby’ and the whole of Saturday, but you go out once and he’s moody?

I’m not surprised you don’t have many friends. I expect he had a hand in that.

He is controlling. He’s going to make your life difficult for wanting to go out in order to make sure that you don’t do it again. You’ll be conditioned by his behaviour to feel uncomfortable for wanting to go out.

He wants you at home, doing everything, he doesn’t want you to have any sort of independence or life of your own as that may threaten/inconvenience him.

He’s a cunt, in my opinion.

MrsClatterbuck · 26/03/2023 09:32

Sounds like sil and mil have got the measure of him and have decided to do something about it.
If so they could be your allies.

billy1966 · 26/03/2023 09:34

Two acronyms that make me shake my head....

DP and SAHM.

He doesn't care enough to marry you, but you're silly enough to give up your financial independence.

He does as he pleases but wants you isolated from your family and friendless stuck at home.

Invariably these men control THEIR money, don't put women on the deeds of the house ensuring they have absolute control and can turf them out of THEIR house at any time......and they do.

How often do we read threads of women asking for advice after 20 years of the above.....

They give up complete agency of their own lives to men that are happy in the knowledge they can and will turf them out WHENEVER it suits them.

So sad.

Shoxfordian · 26/03/2023 09:40

I hope you went out and stayed out op- don’t stay with him, he’s controlling and abusive

LooseGoose22 · 26/03/2023 09:47

He should not be getting 2 nights out a week and all day Saturday for a hobby while you get nothing.

Sahm mother does not mean you are 24 7 default for childcare. The time outside the working day should be equally split childcare. Men who want things set up like this are not looking for anything remotely equal or fair.

As to him saying no ..... Why the fuck does he think he had any right to say no?

It's your decision. You had no other plans together.

As someone pointed out sahm but not married is very very vulnerable...
.no rights to his pension that he's building up while you're not earning etc.

This entire relationship sound. Very unequal and very unfair.

His attitude is very worrying.

Hod behaviour is more or less coercive control .... Which is noe recognised as a crime.

LooseGoose22 · 26/03/2023 09:47

*His behaviour is more or less coercive control .... Which is now recognised as a crime.

LooseGoose22 · 26/03/2023 09:48

He appears to be living in the 50s and he wants you to live there too ...... It's 2023.

Sunnygirl07 · 26/03/2023 09:52

Pixiedust1234 · 24/03/2023 23:25

He can go out three times a week but you can't go out once?

Not normal. At all. Hopefully he isn't always like this (but I can guess).

Yes.

So he can go 3 times a week, then you should be able to minimum 3 times a week too!

Equality & Equal Rights!

SadMadGlad · 26/03/2023 09:54

Hope you had a good night out @Roo1808

LooseGoose22 · 26/03/2023 09:54

Antiquiteas · 26/03/2023 08:49

I told DP and straight away he said no

Who the fuck does he think he is?

He’s apparently allowed two nights at his ‘hobby’ and the whole of Saturday, but you go out once and he’s moody?

I’m not surprised you don’t have many friends. I expect he had a hand in that.

He is controlling. He’s going to make your life difficult for wanting to go out in order to make sure that you don’t do it again. You’ll be conditioned by his behaviour to feel uncomfortable for wanting to go out.

He wants you at home, doing everything, he doesn’t want you to have any sort of independence or life of your own as that may threaten/inconvenience him.

He’s a cunt, in my opinion.

Second all of this.

JemInher40s · 26/03/2023 10:00

My ex would do this most times I went out. In my opinion, he had passive-aggressive behaviour and underlying control issues. Fortunately, we're not together anymore.

LooseGoose22 · 26/03/2023 10:03

The moodiness is a control strategy ... To get you to not go out or at the very least dread raising the subject going out again on any remotely regular basis.

He's making his displeasure and disapproval strongly felt and making sure you feel stressed and reluctant and uncomfortable and cowed.

I had a relationship with a man who didn't want me to go out on my own; he opted for ranting rather than the silent treatment/huffing. He also used pretending tm.ebd the relationship/saying it was ended (though he never followed through).
He did try huffing too occasionally.

The explosions/" arguments" were genuine - because he was so fucked up he genuinely felt he was being done wrong & mistreated by having his partner go out on her own - but also they were designed to make me think twice about ever arranging to go on my own. They were to make sure the result of going out was so unpleasant and stressful for me that I would be reluctant to keep doing it.

He did get the result he wanted in one way; my shoulders would hit my ears in anticipation of the stress and "arguing" I would experience when I raised the subject of a night out/break etc. .....but he didn't get the result he wanted in that I refused to stop, even having into that stress, and eventually I left him.

Someone with values like that does not change, I'm sorry to say.

JemInher40s · 26/03/2023 10:04

Antiquiteas · 26/03/2023 08:49

I told DP and straight away he said no

Who the fuck does he think he is?

He’s apparently allowed two nights at his ‘hobby’ and the whole of Saturday, but you go out once and he’s moody?

I’m not surprised you don’t have many friends. I expect he had a hand in that.

He is controlling. He’s going to make your life difficult for wanting to go out in order to make sure that you don’t do it again. You’ll be conditioned by his behaviour to feel uncomfortable for wanting to go out.

He wants you at home, doing everything, he doesn’t want you to have any sort of independence or life of your own as that may threaten/inconvenience him.

He’s a cunt, in my opinion.

💯

LooseGoose22 · 26/03/2023 10:05

*even facing into that stress,

Original poster
Roo1808 · 26/03/2023 10:15

Sorry I’m only just replying back. Thanks for everyone’s support, it means a lot and to know I wasn’t in the wrong makes me feel better. I did go out and had a great time!

OP posts:
MumToTooManyBoys · 26/03/2023 10:16

You need a hobby like your Dh. To regularly do your own thing.