Broke up with my husband

sparkle2345 · 2023-03-24T19:03:10+00:00

So I've just split with my husband Of 12 years (16 together) After he had an affair with a work colleague and I tried for 6 months to get back on track, it's just not worked He's gone out to his friends tonight I don't really have any I've not told my family anything yet but they did know we have been having problems last year but I can't cope with them too So the kids are here 10,16 and are in there room (there choice) But what do I do now? I don't want to sit and wollow but I'm really hurting and feel like I've failed 😢😢

piedbeauty · 24/03/2023 19:08

Big hugs, op.

You haven't failed. You have taken steps to start a new, happy chapter of your life. Your h wasn't the man you thought - hoped - he was. You deserve better.

Be kind to yourself tonight - bubble bath, glass of something, meditate, watch a comedy or something to chill out. Take things one day at a time.

💐

Suetcrust · 24/03/2023 19:13

•Short fix?•
Have a lovely bath with candles all around and a glass of wine.

•Longer plan?•
Get all your paperwork together regarding house and pension plans etc. Keep aside and photocopy it all so you have evidence to keep in case you need if & he tries to hide any financial packages.
Ask Mr Google for local family solicitors and phone some on Monday. Ask about a free consultation some time next week. Most of them do it.

•Moving on?•
Discuss separate accommodation for him and if not, live totally separately under same roof? How does he see that working?
Don’t cook for him nor do his washing etc. Tell him you are not a housekeeper for him from now on.

In time things will fall into place and you'll be fine.

flutterbyebaby · 24/03/2023 19:14

Big hugs, treat yourself with kindness, make a list of a few thinks you would like to do or places you would like to go. This is day one of not being taken for granted or hurt anymore.

Duckingella · 24/03/2023 19:17

My friend lasted about 18 months post affair;her exH couldn't understand why she wanted to divorce as she hadn't kicked him out immediately after the affair.

It festers and slowly worn her down.You haven't failed,this isn't your fault,your DH is the one at fault,he cheated.

Don't hide the reason for the split from your family,be factual,DH cheated,we tried to work things out,we couldn't so we're splitting.

*My friend 10 years on is happily settled in a long term relationship with her partner who thinks she hung the moon.

Spectacledbear67 · 24/03/2023 19:22

You approached this situation very patiently op. And you were more than considerate given his behaviour. It’s not your fault.

You don’t have to tell your family yet. Do it on your terms. You can sail the ship now op. You don’t have to consider anyone but yourself and your dc.

Sending strength x

kwetu · 24/03/2023 19:23

piedbeauty · 24/03/2023 19:08

Big hugs, op.

You haven't failed. You have taken steps to start a new, happy chapter of your life. Your h wasn't the man you thought - hoped - he was. You deserve better.

Be kind to yourself tonight - bubble bath, glass of something, meditate, watch a comedy or something to chill out. Take things one day at a time.

💐

This ⬆️

Antiquiteas · 24/03/2023 19:50

He failed. Massively. Not you.

Original poster

sparkle2345 · 24/03/2023 19:55

Thank you for all your kind words

I'm Heart broken 💔
I know your right

OP posts:

Crikeyalmighty · 24/03/2023 20:22

@sparkle2345 sometimes however hard you try it's just not the same. Be kind to yourself, plan some things to look forward to-

Original poster

sparkle2345 · 24/03/2023 21:12

Thank you
I can't even think straight to know what to do

OP posts:

curlychocs · 24/03/2023 21:48

I found texts on my OH phone in the summer. Tried desperately to save our marriage until 3 weeks ago he walked. He is at the woman's house tonight- my friend sent a pic of his car. So it was never fixable. He just gave me totally false hope. I have made sure he moves out. He created this mess so needs to live with the difficulty of it.

Original poster

sparkle2345 · 24/03/2023 23:57

Well he's still out
no message
nothing
Heads all over the place 😢

OP posts:

Mari9999 · 25/03/2023 01:15

@Duckingella
Why would it be necessary to have to tell anyone the particular reasons for a divorce? The obvious reason is that the marriage is not working and the OP and her husband are very unhappy. People who love and care about the OP really won't probe, and others are just people with prurient curiosity. Even the Courts tend to grant no fault divorces. A divorce is granted simply because the parties request the divorce. No dirty laundry is aired ,because the Courts simply do not care.

The OP need only share this information with fiends and family if she is looking to some how shame her husband, and while she may get momentary sympathy ,we are long past the time that anyone has to wear a scarlet letter. Divorce is so common place that few are shocked and even the mild surprise is quickly forgotten.

There is no reason for the OP to feel like a failure. There are no prizes for keeping misery alive. If they handle the divorce like adults, they can avoid or minimize damage to their children and both can move on to lives without unhappiness and misery.

category12 · 25/03/2023 07:16

Mari9999 · 25/03/2023 01:15

@Duckingella
Why would it be necessary to have to tell anyone the particular reasons for a divorce? The obvious reason is that the marriage is not working and the OP and her husband are very unhappy. People who love and care about the OP really won't probe, and others are just people with prurient curiosity. Even the Courts tend to grant no fault divorces. A divorce is granted simply because the parties request the divorce. No dirty laundry is aired ,because the Courts simply do not care.

The OP need only share this information with fiends and family if she is looking to some how shame her husband, and while she may get momentary sympathy ,we are long past the time that anyone has to wear a scarlet letter. Divorce is so common place that few are shocked and even the mild surprise is quickly forgotten.

There is no reason for the OP to feel like a failure. There are no prizes for keeping misery alive. If they handle the divorce like adults, they can avoid or minimize damage to their children and both can move on to lives without unhappiness and misery.

It might be helpful for the op to talk about the reasons why with friends and family, however.

Not out of spite or shaming him, but because she needs emotional support and kindness, and being cheated on is very painful.

Talking about it as if it's a mutual decision or there's no blame, is fine if it's true, but won't make people rally round in the same way as they might for someone who is hurting.

Op should also feel no obligation to keep his secrets for him.

Original poster

sparkle2345 · 25/03/2023 11:08

Thank you
I don't really have anyone to talk to at the weekends and the friend who knows the most hasn't messaged this morning I don't want to keep burdening her

He got home at about 1
Tried to talk to me about his friend but I just kind of acknowledged and changed the subject about the kids

I went down at about 2
I couldn't stay there
He came down stairs into the kitchen where I was looked in and has done back upstairs and done nothing else

OP posts:

category12 · 25/03/2023 11:19

Do something nice for yourself today, and the kids.

I'm sure your friend doesn't think you're a burden.

Is there a way of rearranging the rooms so you can have your own if he's not moving out at the moment?

Spectacledbear67 · 25/03/2023 11:27

Mari9999 · 25/03/2023 01:15

@Duckingella
Why would it be necessary to have to tell anyone the particular reasons for a divorce? The obvious reason is that the marriage is not working and the OP and her husband are very unhappy. People who love and care about the OP really won't probe, and others are just people with prurient curiosity. Even the Courts tend to grant no fault divorces. A divorce is granted simply because the parties request the divorce. No dirty laundry is aired ,because the Courts simply do not care.

The OP need only share this information with fiends and family if she is looking to some how shame her husband, and while she may get momentary sympathy ,we are long past the time that anyone has to wear a scarlet letter. Divorce is so common place that few are shocked and even the mild surprise is quickly forgotten.

There is no reason for the OP to feel like a failure. There are no prizes for keeping misery alive. If they handle the divorce like adults, they can avoid or minimize damage to their children and both can move on to lives without unhappiness and misery.

This approach is very convenient for the man who cheats!

Duckingella · 25/03/2023 12:20

Mari9999 · 25/03/2023 01:15

@Duckingella
Why would it be necessary to have to tell anyone the particular reasons for a divorce? The obvious reason is that the marriage is not working and the OP and her husband are very unhappy. People who love and care about the OP really won't probe, and others are just people with prurient curiosity. Even the Courts tend to grant no fault divorces. A divorce is granted simply because the parties request the divorce. No dirty laundry is aired ,because the Courts simply do not care.

The OP need only share this information with fiends and family if she is looking to some how shame her husband, and while she may get momentary sympathy ,we are long past the time that anyone has to wear a scarlet letter. Divorce is so common place that few are shocked and even the mild surprise is quickly forgotten.

There is no reason for the OP to feel like a failure. There are no prizes for keeping misery alive. If they handle the divorce like adults, they can avoid or minimize damage to their children and both can move on to lives without unhappiness and misery.

I'm sure that would be very convenient for her unfaithful future ex husband.

Mari9999 · 25/03/2023 12:48

@Duckingella

The OP should not focus on her husband's convenience or inconvenience that is no longer her concern. The ficus should shift to her convenience and that of her children. Ultimately they are not divorcing because of his cheating, m up marriages survive cheating on a regular basis all around the world, what they cannot survive is 2 people having grown so far apart that in the eyes of one or both that the marriage can no longer be salvaged.

Trying to shame the husband by disclosing his infidelity may give the OP some momentary satisfaction, and it may or may not cause him and degree of pain or shame. But in either instance it brings them no closer to a fair and for the sake of their children an amicable divorce.

Spectacledbear67 · 25/03/2023 13:09

Mari9999 · 25/03/2023 12:48

@Duckingella

The OP should not focus on her husband's convenience or inconvenience that is no longer her concern. The ficus should shift to her convenience and that of her children. Ultimately they are not divorcing because of his cheating, m up marriages survive cheating on a regular basis all around the world, what they cannot survive is 2 people having grown so far apart that in the eyes of one or both that the marriage can no longer be salvaged.

Trying to shame the husband by disclosing his infidelity may give the OP some momentary satisfaction, and it may or may not cause him and degree of pain or shame. But in either instance it brings them no closer to a fair and for the sake of their children an amicable divorce.

Mmmm. Obviously the information given to DC has to be limited and age appropriate so a good relationship with both parents can be maintained, that is very important, but I doubt that lying to DC about a suspected truth does not serve DC well either.

The op's husband in this instance seems to have absented himself from the marital home by the sound of it to be with the ow. Does it sound like he is making efforts to avoid distress to his sixteen and ten year old DC in order to maintain a good relationship with them? Why is it always left to women to smooth the sheets and mitigate the worst affects of inappropriate male behaviour?

Spectacledbear67 · 25/03/2023 13:11

Sorry- I doubt lying about affairs serves children well either

Mari9999 · 25/03/2023 13:40

@Spectacledbear67
I agree lying about affairs is wrong. Actually there are few if any circumstances that necessitate discussing an affair with children particularly young children.

In many instances an affair is just symptomatic of the myriad of issues that may have contributed to the break down of the marriage. If it were an affair but the husband's refusal or lack of interest in having sex with his spouse, would you think that an appropriate conversation to have with children ? The net effect would be the same divorce.

Obviously, the OP is going to do whatever she thinks best, but sometimes decisions made in the midst of pain are not always the best decisions.

Hopefully the OP can make it through this situation and come out on the other side in a good place for herself and her children.

Original poster

sparkle2345 · 26/03/2023 16:39

I'm hurting so badly
I want my husband back but he's gone
He is not the same person

(no he hasn't gone back the ow that I know of)

We spoke yesterday and this morning
I know I need to move on but feel like it's all my fault
I've apologised to my daughter and she says it's not my fault (she's not bio his) and she wouldn't put with what he has put me through over all these years

I just can't see the light, I know it's been coming but I miss him
I don't have many friends as he never wanted to go out and now he has gone out today and left me with the kids so I can't even grieve properly

OP posts:

letthatmango · 26/03/2023 17:29

I’m so sorry that you’re struggling and that your attempt to repair your marriage has not worked. Healing from the trauma of affairs is a long process and you’re only six months in and now dealing with the breakdown of your marriage. It is no surprise you feel dreadful, go gently on yourself.

You do not have to keep his dirty secrets at the expense of your own mental health, please don’t listen to the poster trying to shame you into keeping quiet. I’m glad your daughter is being a support but you do need to extend your support network.

Get yourself on Surviving Infidelity if irl support is tricky. Their separation and divorce board is excellent and you will get ongoing support as you navigate the split.

Huge hug.

Original poster

sparkle2345 · 26/03/2023 17:36

letthatmango · 26/03/2023 17:29

I’m so sorry that you’re struggling and that your attempt to repair your marriage has not worked. Healing from the trauma of affairs is a long process and you’re only six months in and now dealing with the breakdown of your marriage. It is no surprise you feel dreadful, go gently on yourself.

You do not have to keep his dirty secrets at the expense of your own mental health, please don’t listen to the poster trying to shame you into keeping quiet. I’m glad your daughter is being a support but you do need to extend your support network.

Get yourself on Surviving Infidelity if irl support is tricky. Their separation and divorce board is excellent and you will get ongoing support as you navigate the split.

Huge hug.

Thank you for your kind words
I haven't told
My family as I don't want them to think bad of him
But I'm literally at breaking point and I don't think I can go back to before
The kids have gone out so I'm alone and just feel lost

OP posts: