Am I wrong to be upset?

[Throwramen]

Hi everyone,

For context, my husband and I moved close to some of his extended family (his mum's cousins, who are around the same age as us - mid twenties). Prior to that, he hadn't spoken to any of them in four years, and before that, he would talk to them around once a year. So not really close as adults, but they used to see each other every summer as children.

My husband was dating one of his mum's cousins, and they were planning on marrying each other. It was a long distance relationship first and they would see each other around once a year, and after it all fiddled out, he hadn't seen her in years.

Now that we've moved closer, we have tried to establish contact more often with them. We have only seen them a handful of time, we invited all of them a couple of times to our place for dinner and we went to the restaurant once all together. My husband also often meets up with the guys on his own for guys nights out.
We all hit it off.

We last met around December and had all planned on going to a restaurant together this month, I suggested a restaurant my husband and I had been wanting to try for a while and they were enthusiastic. One of the girls in the group created a groupchat to arrange the dinner but it suddenly just went silent.

A couple of days ago, my husband told me he would be meeting with one of the guys for dinner after work, as they worked near each other.

Later on, I found out that he had lied to me and was actually going to meet up with the whole group (including his ex, her sister, her brother, and the other guy he told me he would be meeting with originally) for that outing we had all planned together in a restaurant near where we live.

He basically kicked me out of the plan we had made together and lied about it.

I thought that maybe his family just didn't like me, but it turned out he was the one to make the decision to exclude me.

I feel embarrassed and subpar.
I am so confused as to why. I think he is ashamed of my looks or personality or thinks he downgraded when he went from his ex to me.
I asked him why and he just wouldn't answer. He keeps saying he doesn't know and doesn't know what to tell me.

The restaurant was the same one I suggested

'My husband was dating one of his mums cousins'
Doesn't that make them cousins too, just once removed or whatever they call it? (I know, technically allowed but )

Apart from that, yes I'd be annoyed and feel like I was purposely left out of the plans.

Try and be nicer to yourself though, it's probably nothing to do with your looks. He's just a knob.

It's hard to mess about with your ex with your wife there;it kind of kills the vibe.

I was not sure what the correct term was
Thank you

@Throwramen I wasn't trying to knock you for saying mums cousin I just meant it more of 'they're related so why were they dating?' Sorry xx

Have a think about where the rules are that tell you that it's right or wrong for you to be upset about something. There must be rules, mustn't there, in order for some things to be right, and some things to be wrong.

And have a think about what happens if you're upset about something that those rules say you shouldn't be upset about. Do you stop being upset? How? Do you decide to be upset anyway, despite the 'rules'?

There's a glitch in our thinking here, and working it out will make this problem and all other problems much clearer for you to deal with.

No I didn't take it that way at all xx
I was thankful for your kind words xx

I think its a cultural thing so in his culture it's not very unusual

I would be really upset about being left out so deliberately - and him saying he doesn't know what to say is cowardly.

You're NOT wrong to be upset. Firstly, your feelings are your feelings; they aren't wrong, no matter what anyone tells you.

Secondly, your husband is an arsehole. Either he's messing around with someone at this gathering and doesnt want you there either witnessing or spoiling it, or he has a low opinion of you and doesn't want to be seen with you. In either scenario, he's a bastard.

Don't accept "I don't know". He needs to explain himself. TBH whatever he comes up with, I'd be so hurt and disgusted already that I don't think the relationship would survive. You deserve better than this.

That's what my friend told me but then would he still do that with the others around?

OP, I'd be seriously upset and wouldn't take his silence as an end to the matter. How did you find out it wasn't just him and the guys and how did you find out it was his idea? They all must have been somehow implicit if they all agreed to organise it outside the WhatsApp group which was set up specifically for this purpose. Have you approached any of the others to ask them how it all came about. Maybe your DH lied to them all, saying you were busy or unwell etc. I would need to get to the bottom of it, I think.
I'm not a fan of the 'just leave the bastard' brigade, but this would cause me to give significant thought as to whether I wanted to continue to be with someone who could be so deceitful.

And @Watchkeys seriously? What does that even mean?

That's what hurts my feelings a lot
Either answer is bad.
I would not have cared this much if it was his cousins who didn't want me there, but now I'm just confused.

He always gets alone time with his friends, travels solo, travels with his family, goes out to different activities with them, so its not like I'm always imposing myself. But this was an outing I was supposed to be included in

He accidentally let it slip and then he tried to backtrack. I asked to see the conversation he had with his cousin, he didn't want to at first, and then when he showed me it said it all

He had previously spoken to them on the phone, so I don't have many texts that show what he told them about me not being there

Have you been with your husband a long time? I know it's not easy to leave someone you love, especially if you've been with them for years, but he doesn't sound like he treats you very good from what you've written. You deserve to be happy and not have to worry about stuff like that x

We've been married for two years. We have a baby together and I'm a SAHM right now. Hes the main earner so leaving would be hard. Plus I don't have any family around

You lost me at incest...

Just seen it's cultural, so apols if my post offended anyone. Personally I find it very strange to date a relative but I'm viewing through a white British lens. Either way, he's treated you v badly here.

@Ducklips71

Which bit don't you understand? I'll clarify. Who makes the rules for you, and what you should be upset about?

It's not tho

What incest do you mean?

Has it happened yet op? I wouldn't let him stay silent on this.

I'd be furious.

This is shocking, OP. Of course you are upset. Who wouldn’t be?

It’s also very strange behaviour. I wouldn’t accept that he doesn’t know why he did it. That doesn’t make sense. Was it in reality some kind of religious ceremony (I’m racking my brains here) that would not allow an outsider? Actually, that wouldn’t bode well for your future together either.

If he can’t explain his behaviour, I don’t see how you can continue to live with him. And I can’t think of any explanation that makes it much better. I’m sorry to say that all these relatives seem to have gone along with the deception, so you are not in a good place.

Yes it has. I think it's the ex hes got an eye on

We have a baby together and I'm a SAHM right now. Hes the main earner so leaving would be hard.

I’m sorry, OP. But think how much harder life is going to be, for your and your child, living with a man who treats you like this. And his family will be no support to you, quite the opposite.