Am I wrong to be upset?

[Throwramen]

Hi everyone,

For context, my husband and I moved close to some of his extended family (his mum's cousins, who are around the same age as us - mid twenties). Prior to that, he hadn't spoken to any of them in four years, and before that, he would talk to them around once a year. So not really close as adults, but they used to see each other every summer as children.

My husband was dating one of his mum's cousins, and they were planning on marrying each other. It was a long distance relationship first and they would see each other around once a year, and after it all fiddled out, he hadn't seen her in years.

Now that we've moved closer, we have tried to establish contact more often with them. We have only seen them a handful of time, we invited all of them a couple of times to our place for dinner and we went to the restaurant once all together. My husband also often meets up with the guys on his own for guys nights out.
We all hit it off.

We last met around December and had all planned on going to a restaurant together this month, I suggested a restaurant my husband and I had been wanting to try for a while and they were enthusiastic. One of the girls in the group created a groupchat to arrange the dinner but it suddenly just went silent.

A couple of days ago, my husband told me he would be meeting with one of the guys for dinner after work, as they worked near each other.

Later on, I found out that he had lied to me and was actually going to meet up with the whole group (including his ex, her sister, her brother, and the other guy he told me he would be meeting with originally) for that outing we had all planned together in a restaurant near where we live.

He basically kicked me out of the plan we had made together and lied about it.

I thought that maybe his family just didn't like me, but it turned out he was the one to make the decision to exclude me.

I feel embarrassed and subpar.
I am so confused as to why. I think he is ashamed of my looks or personality or thinks he downgraded when he went from his ex to me.
I asked him why and he just wouldn't answer. He keeps saying he doesn't know and doesn't know what to tell me.

Thank you for your message.

I dont think it's a religious thing, we are from the same religion and there was nothing in particular happening during that time religiously

He won't give me any reason at all, except
" I dont know" " I dont know what to tell you" "I shouldn't have" " I knew it was wrong and was worried of your reaction"

You are bang on about his family.

Will always defend him, even when he did some seriously bad things

Your husband is an arsehole. Of course he knows very well why he left you out. It was very much a conscious decision and he himself had to physically act to exclude you. It’s not something that just happened.

I agree, he definitely does know
I just don't know his motive

OP, you have every right to feel upset, do not accept his flakey response. Ask him to explain specifically why he chose to exclude you and what he told the others. Were they complicit or did he make up an excuse for your absence?

Well, it has to have something to do with his ex, don’t you think? I don’t think he’s ashamed of you, it’s likely more that if he was about to marry her he would find it akward with you there. Maybe he wanted to see if he still had a chance with her. The thing is he should have wanted you too meet everyone, he should wanted you to be there together with him. But he didn’t, and he so much didn’t that he decided to exclude you even though he knew chances were you’d find out..

OP, is it possibly a cultural thing? Having reconnected with family members close in age to him, could he be finding a kind of cultural comfort zone that he has missed and that he does not experience when you are with the group? If this is the case, he might find that difficult to articulate in a way that you won't find offensive.

Have you made any new friends outside of his family group? If so, does he have difficulty in your spending time together with these friends?

@Mari9999 op said she is from the same culture though.

@Throwramen, your H has been very devious. I believe his agenda was to share space with his Ex, sans you. The presence of the others provided cover.

He has treated you with utter contempt with his:
*secret, sneaky plan to exclude you
*lying about meeting his male cousin
*lying to the others re your absence
*fake stance that he ‘doesn’t know’ why he orchestrated the whole scheme

@Throwramen, find your anger and don’t let this drop. This man feels entitled to make a mockery of you, so I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship.

@endoftheworldniteclub
My mistake, I thought that she said that were of the same religion.

@Mari9999 oops, maybe she did..sorry!

He thinks he’s got you trapped now you have a young baby. He thinks he can treat you badly and you won’t leave. He is well aware that you would find his behaviour upsetting but he did it anyway because he doesn’t respect you.

You either need to give him an ultimatum and mean it or cut your losses and leave.

His behaviour will not improve of it’s own accord.

Do you have any family or friends you could go to stay with?

You have another thread. Your H’s mother is absolutely vile to you and lies about you being dirty, not shaving your pubes and leaving used san pro lying around.

Why another thread?

I am sorry that he and his family are vile. I cannot understand people like this who behave so badly to those who marry into the family. Practically what can you do? I would be beyond fury. What kind of man treats the motherly his child like this?
His motive? To act like Billy Big Balls in front of the ex. Disgusting, snivelling twerp. I

Unfortunately I believe you are right.
This is sadly just the tip of the iceberg in what has been a really stressful relationship.

I'm looking for somewhere to go for a little while while I figure out what to do moving forward.

No, conveniently for him you have moved closer to HIS family.
Leaving you isolated.

Then his neglectful, deceitful & hurtful behaviour starts ...

It's not incest. That according to UK law.

Neither, FYI, is dating a first cousin. You might not like the idea of it, but it's not incest.

I'm looking for somewhere to go for a little while while I figure out what to do moving forward.

Wise.

Do you have trusted family members or friends who would give you a week's respite while you do some thinking & planning?

This is breath taking disrespect from him. I don't know how you can come back from his unforgivable behaviour.

There's a clear motive for it. He wanted to to be able to chat and flirt with an old flame he obviously still fancies, without you being there to see it. His family are obviously encouraging it and I'll bet there would of been more planned gatherings between them in the future. He sees his needs for her above you unfortunately. No coming back from that. I'd be inclined to step away, leave, let them have each other and ride the gauntlet of potentially creating DC's with genetic disabilities- because that is what can and does happen, whether its legal or not, its still a risk. Just how easy is divorce and remarriage without castigation within your religion - not, I would think. He won't come out of it smelling of roses, neither his family.

You poor woman.

What a nasty arsehole who got you to move closer to his family so he could treat you badly.

Have you any family to support you?

IMO your marriage is over and you need to be thinking what is best for you and your baby.

This is not a good man.

I'm so sorry.

That is AWFUL! It always hurts to be left out of a group - but by your own DH so he can meet an old girlfriend out with the fam? That is worse!

This is bad.

This would be a deal breaker for me tbh. Your husband is an arsehole and you deserve better x

Sorry... sorry. What?

Your husband was incestuous?

Sorry just read it's cultural. Still incest.