Who is wrong in this argument, I’m so confused?

[Conomore]

The man buys their mum the same handbag as a gift that you really wanted and they know this. (Let’s say this was not done to cause upset, I don’t think it was intentional ). A real example and pathetic I know.

The person who was upset tells the other that this has upset them, why did they have to buy the exact one they wanted. It’s not the taste of your mum it’s my taste. It made them feel a bit crappy.

The other person responds by getting angry and shouting that they dare make a comment about their mum. Claiming that they can buy what they want and why does the other person think that the mum doesn’t deserve a nice bag and to stop trying to control and be pathetic. This wasn’t the intention. The intention was that why did they buy the bag they wanted and not a different one, the mum had no idea which bag they getting.

Its a stupid argument really and personally the response I’m sorry I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings would have been enough wouldn’t it. I can’t help the fact I felt a little hurt at him buying it as silly as it sounds. Instead he got really angry, he brought different arguments into this argument to back up the fact I was wrong.

He has used this argument again in other arguments if that makes sense to justify why I overreact.

@Conomore he isn't stupid. He bought your bag for his Mum because he is lazy and doesn't really care how you feel. He wouldn't like it if you bought your Dad the same shoes or got him the same haircut as him, would he?

He is minimising your feelings and you know he does this in other areas of your life as well. He tells you that YOU are the issue. You are the nasty one. You are never allowed to express yourself or call him out because it always turns around into what YOU have done or said wrong.

He's so obvious and it is pathetic. Is his Mummy in on it too or is she blindly being gifted with useless things so he can feel better about being a shitty partner?

Is life not exhausting living with someone like this? Do you have to walk on eggshells around his feelings in case he explodes at you?

Isn't there more to life than being the subdued version of yourself around a man who is supposed to love and respect you but clearly doesn't?

sounds like you brought the handbag to his attention, then when he was wanting a gift for his mum, he remembered it

He is in the wrong. At some point you would have liked this bag. Now it won't be special for you. He could just have easily bought a different style even if the same designer so that you still had your dream bag a possibility.

As the pp said it was lazy of him and now dismissive of you to minimise how you feel and either he is embarrassed to be called out or gaslighting of him.

I have to admit there was quite a few. His mum seemed oblivious to me.

She came into our flat once and made a comment about there only being pictures of me and him up. I told him that was a bit hurtful. When she stayed with us I said to her to help herself to anything she wanted. I went and grabbed myself a bag of crisps once and she told him. I got in trouble for being selfish and not offering. I had said to help herself. I didn’t know she would sit there going hungry all day waiting for me to get her everything. She was with us a month. He said at that point he lost respect for me.

Sounds like a man who cannot think for himself, needed to buy his mum a gift and thought “well the Mrs likes that bag so I’ll get it for mum”.

Probably not spiteful but definitely lazy.

Minimising your feelings though is just horrid. Again, he’s too lazy to deal with that drama so will brush it under the carpet and lay any blame for your hurt feelings on you.

In theory, neither party is wrong but one is definitely a lazy bones who doesn’t seem to give a shit about anyone else’s feelings.

And from that update, it sounds like he got said laziness from mummy.

He could have told me though that I was wrong and I would have admitted I was wrong, I’m ok with being wrong. But he shouted at me and put me down. It seems very disproportionate to me saying I was upset about the handbag.

It’s not silly

This would be like if your husband was a Chelsea fan who had expressed how much he’d love to go to a match and you bought tickets to a Chelsea game for your dad because he quite likes watching match of the day. Would you do something like that? Of course not!

And you're still with this pathetic mummy's boy because...?

You can do better!

You weren’t wrong though.

He is a mummy’s boy, and sounds like a bit of a drip. Agree with pp, why are you still with him?

You are being DARVO'd by him OP -
https://www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

The handbag thing was thoughtless, & as you rightly say, could have been fixed with a simple apology.

Instead, your partner hurt your feelings, then blamed you for having hurt feelings & felt entitled to berate & shout at you.

He has used this argument again in other arguments if that makes sense to justify why I overreact.
Then he's a bullying knob who enjoys undermining & controlling you, because this is just more DARVO.

People who rely on DARVO to control others usually also suffer from hypocrisy.
I would lay money out that if he had been hankering for - I dunno, a team football shirt or special new trainers, told you all about it, & you went & bought the item for your dad instead, he would feel entitled to act wounded & give you a very hard time about it.
Because people like this are selfish, & other people;s feelings do not matter to them, unless those feelings can be preyed upon to control them with.

How long has he been shutting you down & manipulating you like this?

He didn't lose respect for you then - that was just another way of hurting you.
I am sorry to say this but think you need to hear it - so please be aware it is NO reflection on you, only a reflection on him - he didn't respect you long before the bag of crisps incident. He simply used the incident to undermine & shame you with.

What food did HE offer & fetch for his mother by the way?
No prizes for a correct guess of "nothing."
See - the hypocrisy again.

What's your living situation OP, & do you have kids? Are you working?

Outside of this toxic relationship with a nasty little bully, what's your life like with your own family & friends?

the handbag might have been lazy, or might have been deliberate, he knows you like it, but bought it for his mum to be spiteful.

But his reaction to you is pure gaslighting.
He has behaved badly, but turns it round so that you are the problem.
That is a form of coercive control.

He is not a nice person.

I left in the end because he was just making me confused. But it’s left me still feeling confused about what was going on and what he was doing.

Hes an arsehole. Get rid. Now. He has no respect for you. It wont get better.

He said at that point he lost respect for me.

Thats the summary of it all.
He has no respect (left?) for you. His mum comes first. And he uses tactics to prove himself right that crap to say the least - putting you down, rehashing old stuff etc…

It’s not going to get better because he has no respect for you. His whole reaction screams that.

How can you loose respect over a handbag and why would he want to continue to be with someone he lost respect for?

Because he is abusive.

Abusive people get their kicks from manipulating others.
he is manipulating you into thinking that it is your fault and that you are unkind to his mum etc.

Please go back up the thread and read the link someone put to DARVO.

Unserstand that the conversation that he is having with you are DARVO conversations.

You really need to leave him

Good, well done.

What he was doing was deliberately undermining you to make you feel shit.
Picking arguments to place you in the wrong.

It's common behaviour from shitty, immature men who need to bully a woman to feel big about themselves.

He didn't lose respect for you about a handbag.

He never had any.

Men like this don;t respect any women (expect sometimes a controlling, enmeshed mother).

He wants to be mean to you and he’s looking for reasons. The need to be cruel and to shout at you and gaslight you and basically abuse you was there before you did anything ‘wrong’. That why the reasons he’s behaving like this are so minor. You can’t live like that, it’s horrible!

He kept saying it was his dream to have a family. To right his bad childhood. It made no sense he wanted it with me if he didn’t even like me.

but if you are at home with small children and unable to work, and financially dependant on him then his gets more control and more power.

That is what abusive men want
They are not interested in love or respect or even like, but in being in control.

So the bad childhood and righting that was a lie.