Who is wrong in this argument, I’m so confused?

[Conomore]

The man buys their mum the same handbag as a gift that you really wanted and they know this. (Let’s say this was not done to cause upset, I don’t think it was intentional ). A real example and pathetic I know.

The person who was upset tells the other that this has upset them, why did they have to buy the exact one they wanted. It’s not the taste of your mum it’s my taste. It made them feel a bit crappy.

The other person responds by getting angry and shouting that they dare make a comment about their mum. Claiming that they can buy what they want and why does the other person think that the mum doesn’t deserve a nice bag and to stop trying to control and be pathetic. This wasn’t the intention. The intention was that why did they buy the bag they wanted and not a different one, the mum had no idea which bag they getting.

Its a stupid argument really and personally the response I’m sorry I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings would have been enough wouldn’t it. I can’t help the fact I felt a little hurt at him buying it as silly as it sounds. Instead he got really angry, he brought different arguments into this argument to back up the fact I was wrong.

He has used this argument again in other arguments if that makes sense to justify why I overreact.

As has been said, it's his way towards controlling you. The more independent and confident you are when you meet the greater the challenge and the greater his 'victory' when he's worn you down to a nub of yourself being his obedient and terrified slave.

Well done leaving him. Best thing you've done.

I will tell you that you are completely WASTING your time trying to understand this behaviour, why, what happened etc. In a way, while you flounder in that confusion, he's still controlling you isn't he? He's in your thoughts, stopping you from moving on. Short summary, abusive bastard being abusive, nothing else.

So his plan wasn’t a family and a house and all those other things that people want and we talked about, his plan was to just control me that’s it?

Well people's motivations are complex. And I think many abusers are very mixed up emotionally themselves.
He may genuinely believe that he wants that and is doing it to right his bad childhood. But that doesn't stop his method being abusive, and it being controlling of you.
As PP said, you will NEVER understand. It is pointless going round and round in circles trying to unpick it. Your brain doesn't work in the same way as a controller's brain so you'll never get it.

I echo this:

I will tell you that you are completely WASTING your time trying to understand this behaviour, why, what happened etc. In a way, while you flounder in that confusion, he's still controlling you isn't he? He's in your thoughts, stopping you from moving on. Short summary, abusive bastard being abusive, nothing else.

Probably wanted me as a side kick to his mum worshiping or his mission to right his past. I wasn’t really interested in it she was a grown women and a little odd really. Stayed with us a month, barely said a sentence to me. He was definitely a very complex person, I didn’t really understand much of what was going on.

Thank god somebody said it.

Why are you with him? It sounds like he treats you like dirt.

I’m not now.

I am so pleased

Hallelujah! 🌹

He probably wanted all that: the house and family, and a wife to bully and control, someone he could feel superior to, who would serve him and look after the house and family for him while he acted 'the man of the house' - because that is what women are for in his eyes.

He fundamentally does not see women as equal human beings. In his eyes, all women are inferior and not to be respected (apart from his mum).

I think he hoped that you would take the reigns off him and tend to his mother's every whim so he wouldn't have to. He's obviously ruled by her and is ready to act on her behalf if she feels wronged no matter how unreasonable she is.
Best revenge is to leave him to her, now you are gone he will become the sole honorour of her indulgences until he can find another woman to take the pressure off him. They both sound pathetic in their own ways and probably deserve each other until he can find the backbone to break free. If he ever does.

His dream was to pay off his mothers house. It just wasn’t my dream and he got really rude about it that I didn’t want that. I mean it’s admiral but it’s not my responsibility. I had my own dreams. He could have just had his own separate dream. But then I suppose it upset him that I didn’t see how amazing he was for having his dream, who knows. I thought it sounded weird tbh.

He said I was selfish for wondering how was he going to be doing all this for his mum and at the same time provide for us as a family. He didn’t want me to work. He already sent money home. He is fine to have his dream but I was unsure of my role in it. Like someone said perhaps he liked to look after people, it gave him a boost. I made him angry when I questioned his motive.