After 26 years H seems to be having an affair

[QueenofLouisiana]

I feel numb.

I’ve seen texts where he dreams of shagging her, where he wishes they were both single and says life’s a bitch.

He works with her, I’ve spent time this week sympathising with her as she’s found working, with two young kids so hard. I’ve reminded him that I found it hard with one and that she needs to consider her family life.

I’m a fucking mug aren’t I?

DS knew, he’d known something was up, I think I had too. He photographed tge texts, in case I ever needed to ask. I feel so awful knowing he’s carried this around. I don’t know his long for.

Sorry, I’m rambling. I can’t sleep.

Many typos. I’m sorry, I’m shaking and the letters have come out wrong.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Does he know you know?

So sorry OP… hope you’re okay.

is there a chance this hasn’t progressed to anything physical yet? From text it reads like that so may be salvageable? Xx

Sending love. Have you said anything? You are not a mug. He is an arse. And hopefully the karma truck comes her way.

Yes, he knows. I’ve come to my mums so I don’t do or say anything I’ll regret.

Hes tried to say that she says strange things to him, but (surprisingly) can’t explain what would lead to him sending those words.

DS is just about an adult, he’s chosen to stay here tonight, but knows that he can go home if he wants. No judgement, it’s not his battle.

Can’t stop shaking, that’s normal I think?

Yes, you are probably in shock. Maybe have a cup of sweet tea?

Yes shaking is normal. I am so sorry. Do you feel cold? Put a warm blanket round you, and have a very strong cup of builders tea with sugar or honey in it.

so awful for you. Glad you have a safe place to land.

💐💐

Thank you, just knowing someone has replied has been comforting. You will never know how appreciative I am.

Have been there except I found it all written down in poems and songs when my H was away with work for a week. Had been married 20 years at that point - Like you I was so shocked I was trembling and I actually peed myself. God knows how but I actually said nothing for 6 weeks whilst I was thinking of what to do and then one night it just came out and I totally lost it. We didn't split , it was discussed he said it was all a massive crush and a fantasy. Nothing happened but for me something did happen mentally- I simply switched off - we are still married, I do care , but something special for me was snuffed out. In retrospect I should have told him to get stuffed. This is 6 years ago in my case. Think very carefully about this OP, it's not difficult to stay together but it is difficult to genuinely feel the same way

Just want to say I will be thinking of you , as the PP says, a blanket and sweet tea can help - and deep breathing . You sound a lovely woman and he is a total idiot. I've somewhat lost my faith in men if I'm honest these days

I'm so sorry, OP. You are not a mug! This is his shame, not yours. I hope you have someone who can just sit with you and offer support (when you are ready). Betrayal is heartbreaking. Take care.

Oh @QueenofLouisiana I was in your shoes many years ago, although the circumstances were a bit different, and my children were all young, one was a baby, and my exh was the one who told me about the affair, as he was leaving me for the other woman. Everything you feel now is legitimate except for you being a mug, or it being your fault if you ever start to feel like that.

I think my initial reactions were the shaking, and nausea. I ended up seeing a psychiatrist, and the only emotion I never felt - anger at my ex - was my only unhealthy reaction according to him, so however your emotions progress, and whether you stay together or not, please remember that no feelings you have are inherently bad, even if they include murderous thoughts - as long as you don't act on them...!

@Crikeyalmighty's last sentence above is probably spot on, so please give that some serious thought too. At the end of the day you must do what is right for you in the long term, and I am very glad that you have fantastic real life support. Try to just be kind to yourself at the moment OP, you have had what is one of the worst shocks you can ever have. Please keep on coming back to Mumsnetters if, and while, you need our support, I am sending you a big, but gentle hug.

Oh @QueenofLouisiana, I'm so sorry. I don't have any useful advice to give, but I'm sending you a handhold and a huge hug

PS. @QueenofLouisiana I meant what @Crikeyalmighty said in her post at 02.29am, although I also agree with what she says about you sounding like a lovely woman, and him being an idiot! xx

If you are reading this Crikey you sound like an amazing woman too, and I am so sorry that your husband was such a prat! I can understand you not being able to feel quite the same about him, but I hope that in the last 6 years he has been trying very hard to let you know just how much he loves you, and that you are his world. If my exh had given me the chance I would have stayed with him, but I wasn't given a choice. If we had stayed together I have no idea how much I could have forgiven him, and whether we would still be together 20++ years later. I hope you don't mind, but I am sending you a big hug too xx

Oh goodness, bless your heart, you sound utterly beautiful. He is the mug, not you.
There isn’t anything constructive I can add as all of the previous posters have been so helpful, but I didn’t want to read and run.
I hope whatever you choose to do, that it brings you peace. You deserve all the happiness. Just take all the god damn time you need as this is enormous and navigating it will be so difficult. X

Queen, this is terrible.

It sounds like your H and OW have developed a Damsel/KISA dynamic that has escalated to an EA.

I don’t like his shifting the blame to OW’s ‘saying strange things to him.’ He doesn’t sound remorseful at all. He needs to come clean with the full story and take responsibility for his selfishness, infidelity and disloyalty.

Do you know how long the affair has been going on?

Your son sounds ace, Queen. I’m so glad that you have the support of him and your mum.

Keep posting here for our support.

I am so sorry. You are not a mug. None of this is your fault. 💔 Sending you a huge hug. Again, I am just so sorry. 💐

When my long term relationship ended I felt shaky too, couldn’t sleep properly, felt anxious all the time, struggled to make decisions- it was awful.

5 years on I live on my own in a house I love, have rediscovered myself and the things I enjoy, have found that single parenting really suits me. I am overall happier than I was.

Be kind to yourself over the next few weeks. Take time to just be. Don’t worry about the long term just yet.

You’re not a mug and probably in shock. I’m sorry this is happening to you. You seem sad but rather rational at the moment, you’re going to go through quite a few different stages but that’s normal.
How’s his reaction? Begging for forgiveness? Putting his head in the sand?
Try not to do the pick me dance, unfortunately she is “new” and that makes it exciting and gives the edge but hold firm as technically, you don’t have anything to loose at this stage.

It really is a form a grief

I’m so sorry op. These threads come up all the time and the pain and distress in them is always palpable. I will never understand why people do this shite!!
You’ve done the right thing, removing yourself from the situation for a bit. I very much doubt he will be remorseful….yet. Whatever exactly has happened, he’s crossed a line somewhere and, he’s been doing some fairly significant mental gymnastics to justify that to himself. The usual seems to be that it’s somehow your fault, you didn’t pay him enough attention/ not enough sex blah blah blah. This is of course horseshit, so don’t believe that for one minute, just be prepared for when it comes. It is possible, now his exciting bubble has burst, that he will in the coming days start to realise what a thunder cunt he has been and feel genuine remorse.
But that is all in the days to come. For now, try to eat, get outside and have a walk, stay hydrated and away from wine if you can! If you have one very trusted friend maybe tell them so you have some support. Sending very unmumsnetty hugs op, you will get through this. One day at a time xxxx

The shock is absolutely normal, it is a huge trauma. I’m glad you’ve gone to your mum and glad your son is there. You’ve already taken a huge step of seeking help and support, many betrayed are ironically protective of the cheat, keep quiet and it does no good at all.

You need to practice self care first. The bigger questions can wait. Water hydration eat a little and exercise. If you suspect physical cheating then std checks.

Its important not to find any fault with yourself or your marriage. This is 100% on him. It’s also important not to allow him to mess with your mind and blameshift or minimise. The comments around the OW are already blameshifting.

I’m so sorry, keep posting 💐

Just want to say how sorry I am. Use this forum as a source of support and information, at its best it's brilliant for that. Take everything one day at a time. Go back home and ask him to leave so you can think without him around.

He will minimise when he realises what he will lose but don't be rushed into making any decisions.

I'm going through similar. Found texts on my OH phone in the summer. Said they were just friends and nothing going on. A few weeks later he told me he didn't love me anymore. Then he came back after a night away and persuaded him to give it another go. We did counselling and basically he was blaming me saying I was always shouting and having a go at him (he did very little in the house). He agreed he was lazy. I put in lots if effort to be different and also put in some de stressors. Looking back he did very little to improve it. He also never put his phone down. Then he told me he still didn't love me a few weeks ago and he moved out. It has taken another few weeks to admit he does have feelings for the person I found texts off so I think he has been in contact the whole time and is now probably seeing her. Sad thing is this is the 2nd marriage he has left. He left his 1st wife abd child and we got together very very quickly. I think he just can't cope with any responsibility. I am beyond devastated but slowly seeing that I basically held up our relationship and he was just a passenger. He never looked after me or treated me. He has now blown apart a 2nd family so that he can see a woman 13 years younger with no.children. I find it pretty pathetic really.

You're not a mug - you're a decent, considerate person who cares about other people. Sounds like you have brought your son up the same.
Your husband's an undeserving dick. Sorry.