After 26 years H seems to be having an affair

[QueenofLouisiana]

I feel numb.

I’ve seen texts where he dreams of shagging her, where he wishes they were both single and says life’s a bitch.

He works with her, I’ve spent time this week sympathising with her as she’s found working, with two young kids so hard. I’ve reminded him that I found it hard with one and that she needs to consider her family life.

I’m a fucking mug aren’t I?

DS knew, he’d known something was up, I think I had too. He photographed tge texts, in case I ever needed to ask. I feel so awful knowing he’s carried this around. I don’t know his long for.

Sorry, I’m rambling. I can’t sleep.

Your, re certainly not a mug. He's a fool, not deserving of you. Think of yourself, put you first. You're son sounds lovely too. 💐.

Queen, I’ve been concerned about you. How are you doing today?

@MsDogLady thank you for your concern. I’ve been home and picked up clothes and my dog. I feel calmer at the moment.

H wants to talk. I’ve listened and left. I can’t talk any more. He says it was all on text, nothing else. But I’ve now read the texts DS had seen and feel utterly betrayed by what has been said.

It talks about wishing they’d met earlier, wishing there was a way to go back and change the past, wishing to meet. He writes that he loves her.

What he says IRL doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense.

Thank you all. xx

@QueenofLouisiana I'm so sorry. I know you are heartbroken. Don't let anyone, including your husband, rush you into making decisions or even talking about things before you feel ready to do so.

I'm not excusing his behavior at all, but sometimes these emotional affairs are heavy on the "fantasy" with lots of overwrought emotions. Don't see this as a reflection of you. Again, this is his weakness and shame, not yours. You don't deserve to be betrayed by someone you trusted.

@QueenofLouisiana as I said on an earlier post- don't rush things. It may just be text, it may just be fantasy/ego boost/ bit of a sexual kick to him - but it's stuff like this that basically blows the candle out I feel- you no longer feel special and it's bloody hard to feel the same way about them again or trust them . I think men doing these stupid things often still love their wives a lot- and when it gets real don't actually want out -they see it as a nice boost of hormones and ego when life gets a bit Groundhog Day- I don't think they actually realise how much they are playing with fire and that their wife may totally just 'switch off' mentally if it gets found out. I feel for you lovely- I can honestly say I stayed (in my case it was because it was something that had been going on 11 years before I found out). If I had found out 'at the time' I think I would have separated and then see what happened from there.

He says it was all on text, nothing else.

That isn’t true, though. He is still downplaying.

If they work together, there would have been attraction, flirting, confiding and closeness — all of the elements that led to his declaration of love. Other colleagues will have noticed.

Until he is completely honest and takes full responsibility for his unethical, destructive choices, he won’t be a safe candidate for reconciliation.

At the minute, what he says isn’t worth shit. He’s been caught so he will lie, minimise, deny and avoid. If I was you, I would be doing some digging into phone records, bank statements etc to see what has really been going on. Some people will say you already know enough, but for me, I’d want the full facts.
Whatever has happened, I wouldn’t place much emphasis on the shite he trotted out to her. Some men (and it is almost always men!) have the most amazing ability to compartmentalise. To place the wife and dc in a box and create a different box with a pathetic, ego stroking fantasy life, where it’s all sooooooo exciting and he’s the big man. Until you found out. And then, oh look! He’s not the big man, he’s just another sad cheating tosser. Somewhere in his currently warped mind, he knows that if YOU had been doing this, it would not be ok with him.
My advice would be firstly, take care of yourself. Secondly, don’t believe a word he says and do some digging. Then decide from there. No rush, no pressure. This is all about you now. Take care xxx