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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive BF - help please!

47 replies

Sandras71 · 23/03/2023 10:37

Hello, looking for some non-judgemental advice . New to this so please bear with me. Me and bf have been together one year(on and off) he showed slight signs of verbal & emotional abuse to begin with to which I cut the relationship off. We got back together in October and have been together since. I forgave him and he seemed to change. I found out I was pregnant (I am currently 5 weeks) which was a shock, however he was very happy and reassured me he will be there though it all. However, the day after, he became a monster. He started accusing me of cheating (which he has done before but not to this extent), he called me all names under the sun, he told me to “kill” the baby and he will give me the money to pay for the abortion, he told me I am unfit to be a mother because I am a whore. This is just to name a few things. I was happy to continue the pregnancy when I found out because it felt like a blessing, but as time has gone on the idea of an abortion sounds like a MUCH fairer thing to do.., I already rang the midwives , my first appointment is supposed to be in April. Where do I go from here? Any advice? I am still living at home with parents and work part time, I am not financially in the best position to have a baby, but I’m so sad at the same time… please some non judgemental advice :( also sorry if posted in the wrong thread!!

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 23/03/2023 10:40

You tell him to fuck off and block him. Tell your parents what's going on and call the police if he comes to the house. You absolutely do not need a "man" like that in your life.

As for your pregnancy, that's your call.

Original poster
Sandras71 · 23/03/2023 10:40

I would also like to add that the verbal abuse has been throughout the whole relationship - however I forgave him each time. I feel like the verbal abuse intensified x10000 when he found out I was pregnant. I am a pretty strong willed person, so I thought his comments did not affect me, however it is all catching up with me and i am realising what he has put me through this last year. He has also grabbed me and put his hand round my neck in the past- I am not sure if this is classed as physical violence or not. But it was very scary. Please some advice !! X

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 23/03/2023 10:41

I am sorry this sounds an awful position to be
in.

If it was me, I would terminate the pregnancy and go no contact with the boyfriend. Block and delete. Keep any messages he has sent you as evidence.

You are young, this relationship will ruin your life. It’s early days, you can start again when you are in a better position on all fronts.

Finish your education. 💐

Original poster
Sandras71 · 23/03/2023 10:41

Thank you for your advice 🙏

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 23/03/2023 10:42

Yes, of course that is physical violence. He could kill you by grabbing you round the throat.

Suzi888 · 23/03/2023 10:42

And contact the police.

fairgame84 · 23/03/2023 10:43

It will only get worse so please leave.
DS's dad was like this and it got worse throughout the pregnancy. I always stupidly forgave him because when he was nice he was lovely.
If I'd known then what was to come i would have left and ended the pregnancy. Being tied to that prick for 18 years was not a walk in the park, although obviously I love DS with all my heart, I wish his dad wasn't his dad.

incitethismeetingtorebellion · 23/03/2023 10:48

He's got worse because he thinks you're trapped now that you're pregnant. You need to get away from him, contact the police about any threats and cut all contact.
As for the pregnancy, personally I would probably terminate rather than have to deal with him for the rest of my life but that is a decision only you can make.

jays · 23/03/2023 10:49

If I could beg you I’d beg you…. Please leave this man immediately. If you don’t and you go ahead and have a baby with him, your life is going to be a living hell and so is your child. I can promise you that. It’s going to escalate so fast as once that baby is born as you’re in a more vulnerable position… you have no idea how bad it’s going to get and how quickly. And it will. He’s abusive and he’s violent and what he’s said is and threatened is more than enough to call the police. The pregnancy is your call, please tell your parents, block this man and phone police as appropriate. Do not become another statistic and don’t end up on here in a years time because he’s hurt you, taken the baby, done god knows what to you. He’s unhinged and dangerous and you are worth so much more. Your life is worth so much more and he will destroy you. You can do this… he’s very bad news. That’s a dangerous man.

Can2022getanyworse · 23/03/2023 10:52

If you continue with the pregnancy you will FOREVER be tied to this man. As will your future child.

A pregnancy is a blessing, but there are millions of men out there to raise a child with that won't treat you and your child like utter shite.

Clymene · 23/03/2023 10:55

Terminate the pregnancy and get this man out of your life. If you have the baby he will have a hold over you forever.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 23/03/2023 10:56

I can only echo everyone else. Please, please don't forgive him again. He will NOT CHANGE, no matter how much he promises he will. They DO NOT change.

And, like everyone else, don't tie yourself to him with a child. He will become a controlling bully to both of you and think of the emotional damage he can inflict on a child!

Good luck!

Dery · 23/03/2023 11:02

This man could kill you. Grabbing is physical violence. Hands on throat has been shown to indicate a significantly increased chance of subsequent GBH or homicide. He is extremely dangerous to you. With him, you are at serious risk of becoming a statistic.

I would rarely tell a woman to end a pregnancy but please end this pregnancy. This is not the man to have a child with. He may be indifferent but there is a serious risk that he will decide he wants to be involved with his child and he can easily make your life hell. I’m not exaggerating. There are plenty of desperate posts on here from women who have been trapped with abusers through shared children; even when the relationships have ended, the abusers have made these women’s and children’s life hell.

Keep this guy out of your life. Have the abortion. Put this man behind you.

thymewaster · 23/03/2023 11:07

Sorry your experiencing this.
My advice is you either leave your bf or go through some counselling. Uk nhs offer this but there is a long waiting list. For your pregnancy it is entirely up to you if you want to bring up your baby alone and how you wil come. ( I think my one can cope financially as there is always help) but if your going the termination route, uk have free via Marie stopes. There's that to think about too.

Only you can make these decisions I'm afraid but I'm sure you'll make the right one!

wwyd2021medicine · 23/03/2023 11:10

If you have decided to terminate, get in touch with your local provider asap

Please someone correct me if I'm wrong but BPAS you can self refer without seeing your gp as you may waste another couple of weeks faffing about with that - I know Marie stopes used to be in some areas but stopped in my area some years ago. When I needed help with relative, it was 6 weeks wait for BPAS so ended up paying £££ in London as no private providers near me.

Original poster
Sandras71 · 23/03/2023 11:16

Thank you so much, there is a Marie stopes near me so that’s a relief. Any advice on what to tell the midwives? I feel ashamed and embarrassed. Thanks for your support lovely , it’s really appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
Sandras71 · 23/03/2023 11:17

Thank you greatly for your advice hun, it’s so appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
Sandras71 · 23/03/2023 11:18

I greatly appreciate you taking the time to give me such informed advice. Thank you beyond words

OP posts:
fairgame84 · 23/03/2023 11:18

Sandras71 · 23/03/2023 11:16

Thank you so much, there is a Marie stopes near me so that’s a relief. Any advice on what to tell the midwives? I feel ashamed and embarrassed. Thanks for your support lovely , it’s really appreciated

Tell them the truth. There is no need to feel embarrassed and they might be able to refer you for some support.

Original poster
Sandras71 · 23/03/2023 11:18

Thank you greatly for your advice hun such a help. ❤️

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 23/03/2023 11:19

thymewaster · 23/03/2023 11:07

Sorry your experiencing this.
My advice is you either leave your bf or go through some counselling. Uk nhs offer this but there is a long waiting list. For your pregnancy it is entirely up to you if you want to bring up your baby alone and how you wil come. ( I think my one can cope financially as there is always help) but if your going the termination route, uk have free via Marie stopes. There's that to think about too.

Only you can make these decisions I'm afraid but I'm sure you'll make the right one!

It is never recommended to go to counciling with an abuser. Did you miss the oart where he called her a whole? And grabbed her throat?

No councilor in their right mind would take that on. They'd tell op to run like fuck. There's no fixing evil.

However, op may benefit from private concilling herself. Once he is gone. To help her unpick what she has been through and rebuild healthy boundaries.

Echoing everyone else though op - break up and abort.

Be prepared for self harm threats ext...it's all bs. Dump him (by text, so you have proof you've told him to stay away from you) then block. And keep him blocked. If he shows up shows up causing drama, call the police. Never meet him in person again. Especially alone or in private.

GracePooleslaugh · 23/03/2023 11:21

Tell the midwives the truth, they will understand.

LooseGoose22 · 23/03/2023 11:29

He sounds like a psycho.

You shouldn't have given him any more chances, let alone risked pregnancy with him, but you know that ....

I'm normally quite anti abortion, and even I think you'd be better having one in this case.

It's very early pregnancy, they often can't even do eg. a surgical termination until 6 weeks plus. You could just tell the midwife service you had a miscarriage or tell them the truth and say you opted for a termination because the Dad's abusive and you're not in a position to proceed. Thrill have seen it a hundred times before, don't worry.

Clymene · 23/03/2023 11:30

Sandras71 · 23/03/2023 11:16

Thank you so much, there is a Marie stopes near me so that’s a relief. Any advice on what to tell the midwives? I feel ashamed and embarrassed. Thanks for your support lovely , it’s really appreciated

Nothing to be ashamed and embarrassed about. They will give you counselling if you want it and you're early enough to have a medical abortion taking pills. You don't have to go in and see them if you don't want to - you can do it over the phone if you prefer.

Flowers for you. I hope you can put this traumatic and difficult time of your life behind you. Can you talk to your mum or a friend.

LooseGoose22 · 23/03/2023 11:30

*They'll