Abusive BF - help please!

[Sandras71]

Hello, looking for some non-judgemental advice . New to this so please bear with me. Me and bf have been together one year(on and off) he showed slight signs of verbal & emotional abuse to begin with to which I cut the relationship off. We got back together in October and have been together since. I forgave him and he seemed to change. I found out I was pregnant (I am currently 5 weeks) which was a shock, however he was very happy and reassured me he will be there though it all. However, the day after, he became a monster. He started accusing me of cheating (which he has done before but not to this extent), he called me all names under the sun, he told me to “kill” the baby and he will give me the money to pay for the abortion, he told me I am unfit to be a mother because I am a whore. This is just to name a few things. I was happy to continue the pregnancy when I found out because it felt like a blessing, but as time has gone on the idea of an abortion sounds like a MUCH fairer thing to do.., I already rang the midwives , my first appointment is supposed to be in April. Where do I go from here? Any advice? I am still living at home with parents and work part time, I am not financially in the best position to have a baby, but I’m so sad at the same time… please some non judgemental advice :( also sorry if posted in the wrong thread!!

If you continue this (very early) pregnancy he'll be in your life indefinitely ... And your potential child's life.

And he's not right in the head.

He has also grabbed me and put his hand round my neck in the past- I am not sure if this is classed as physical violence or not.

It is most definitely classes as physical violence, and it's classed as the worst red flag indicator for man to murder his partner in the longer term.

750% increase odds of ending up killed where strangulation/choking etc is done.

My mum has Alzheimer’s (I am her carer) which has made me so much more emotional. I spoke to my sister about it, but she wasn’t very supportive. Thank you very much for your advice , it means a lot to me ❤️

He should be ashamed, not you. You have done nothing wrong, and by seeking advice and help, you are definitely doing something right.

Sorry a better way of putyingvthsthis that there is a 750% increase in the odds of her ending up being killed when the woman has been previously strangled/choked by the man.

DV also often starts if there was no e before, or ramps up during pregnancy. He's done it before (multiple times by the sound of it) so it's likely to ramp up. You've already had a v severe reaction from him as soon as it sunk in.

I honestly would fear for your safety if you continued the pregnancy.

You could try to avoid him/get a non molestation order etc. but those are hard to enforce, you're stuck where you are because you care for your Mum so you can't go off somewhere he wouldn't know etc.

But all in all, taking your circumstances into consideration; it seems like the right thing to do to not continue this early pregnancy.

If you have any contact with him, just say you miscarried. It's one in 3 or something like that. Because that would only be another thing for him to attach you over .... No matter what the excuse/reason, he'd be attacking anyway.

The midwives will not judge you for opting to terminate. I echo what the pp's have said . A baby will tie you to this horrible man forever. He will always have something to hold over you.
Please get him out of your life ASAP xx

OP, please do what everyone has said and leave, block this man.
DV can and does escalate when the woman is pregnant, I've been there as have thousands of others, it doesn't stop, it doesn't get better and you are very much in danger, I was lucky my DS's father didn't want anything to do with his son when he realised he couldn't abuse me anymore as I was well protected ( my friend who is male moved into my house as a lodger as a deterrent).
Please speak to Marie Stopes they have a team of amazing counsellors that will help you unpick what you do and don't want, I know this as I worked for them for years, we have heard everything and there is never judgement just support and understanding, the clinic can and will keep you safe when there but you need to be honest about this abuser to them.

This. If you've been around mumsnet for more than two minutes you have seen many threads from women who have children to abusive men who then use the child to continue the abuse. Whether or not he'll do this depends, to put it bluntly, on how much he hates you. Because from what you've said here he does hate you, it's just a question of if he hates you enough to go through the process of gaining access to the child so he can continue abusing you. If I were you I would not want to roll those dice.

As for the midwives, trust me they have seen it all. You could even print off your post, including your reply where you state that he strangled you, and ask the midwife to read it.

Hi @Sandras71 Do you understand that this man is bad news? A threat to you (and your child if you have the baby)? Do you see that this isn't a good relationship. This isn't what love looks like?

I'm really sorry you're in this position. There are 3 separate issues. The first is - get away from this man. He won't get better. He will likely get worse. He might kill you one day. Why would you want to be with someone so vile? Single is a 10000 times better than being with someone like him.

Secondly, talk to someone about your pregnancy, so you can unpick how you feel and make an informed decision that you are happy to live with, either way.

Thirdly, give yourself time before you get in to another relationship. Build yourself up, look after yourself, work on your self confidence, think about what a good relationship looks like and what your boundaries are. Ensure that next time you don't put up with abuse as you have done here.

Strenght to you. You deserve better than him. You can do this.

Lots of people in your situation have ended up dead at the hands of their partner. Go to the police and have nothing more to do with him.

I was in this situation when I was 17.

I had an abortion. It wasn't easy, but it was for the best.

I stayed with him for a few more years and the physical abuse got so much worse.

End it now, before it's too late.

What a mess, but you know that. Not sure why you even need to ask for advice about this relationship horror. It's early days with your pregnancy- if it was me I would terminate and get rid of this psycho nut case from your life forever. Learn the lesson from this and make better judgements in the future.

I am still living at home with parents and work part time, I am not financially in the best position to have a baby, but I’m so sad at the same time

It's ok to be sad.
It's also OK to consider all your options very carefully without ANY reference to him, & do whatever YOU want to do - including termination.

I would also like to add that the verbal abuse has been throughout the whole relationship - however I forgave him each time. I feel like the verbal abuse intensified x10000 when he found out I was pregnant. I am a pretty strong willed person, so I thought his comments did not affect me, however it is all catching up with me and i am realising what he has put me through this last year.
You were trusting & forgiving (& somewhat naive), & now you have learned that whenever this behaviour occurs, the thing to do is walk away from it, not forgive it & keep allowing it to be done to you.

He has also grabbed me and put his hand round my neck in the past- I am not sure if this is classed as physical violence or not.
Not only is it classed as violence, it is a primary indicator on cases where men go on to kill their partner.

Domestic abuse usually escalates at the stage of big life events like cohabitation, marriage, pregnancy. Hence him showing you the full extent of his true colours when you became pregnant.

You need to ditch this terrifying woman-hater, & tell your parents exactly why.
Block him on all comms.
If he continues to contact you, inform the police.

When you are safely back with your folks, you can decide what to do about your pregnancy. Nobody here should tell you what to do, but I urge you consider the appalling impact that being connected to this arsehole of a man via a shared baby would have on your life.

Can I also urge you to access some counselling, to work on your recovery from domestic abuse but also to help you raise your self-esteem & understand how to erect & maintain boundaries?
You need to learn that the first time a man abuses you, it is not your job to forgive him & hope he mends his ways - it is your job to leave him immediately & protect yourself.

Please enter counselling, & add some resources to your homework list:

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

https://www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Tell the midwives/support workers the unvarnished truth.

I promise you, they will have heard it 1000 times before.
They will not be shocked, they will not judge, they will purely be concerned for your welfare.

Be prepared for self harm threats ext...it's all bs. Dump him (by text, so you have proof you've told him to stay away from you) then block. And keep him blocked. If he shows up shows up causing drama, call the police. Never meet him in person again. Especially alone or in private.

Please heed @Pinkbonbon's excellent advice OP.
https://lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

I just want to say a massive thank you to every single person who has posted on this. My eyes are completely open thanks to all of your support. Every single word is appreciated, thank you all from the bottom of my heart

Good luck with it all op. Keep reading up on how to spot abuse, it'll help keep you out of the fog he wants you in.

You know we're here too whenever you need us :)

I would have the abortion so as to not have any ties to this man. He sounds absolutely awful and it's good he has shown his true colours this early so you don't have to deal with him anymore 💐

It's completely your decision but do bear in mind that a baby will keep you forever tied to an abuser.

If I'd been wiser at my young age I'd have had a termination.

You have options.

I’m sorry
I hope the abortion can progress smooth and soon

this is a horrible episode
you’ll benefit from some support afterwards

as both the abuse and the abortion will leave a toll im sure

There is no shame in this
but you must look after yourself afterwards

I’m hoping you can delete this guy and move forwards

hes an utter cunt