Is this the end of the road?

[Ifcopingatallbadly]

I am considering leaving my husband because as things stand, I’m not coping and I have to be honest here so telling me I’m weak or need to do this and that aren’t going to be helpful.
My DH is fundamentally a good man and I do need people to listen to that to and not just insist he isn’t because … people are complex. He was single and childless for many years before we met, we are older parents, and he had a job that took him all over the country and sometimes the world and I think he’s just too used to doing things his way.
I’m just broken. I work 3 days a week, I’m up when our 2 yo wakes which is usually around 5. I spend the morning scurrying around trying to get us both ready and out of the house on time. The two days I’m off work DH is working from home, so once his office day starts we have to go out otherwise the two year old just tantrums and tries to get to his dad constantly and I can’t stop him. The only break I get at weekends is DH takes the toddler swimming Saturday morning, this is maybe an hour and a half and it’s just not enough.
Trying to talk makes no difference - it isn’t that he’s deliberately obtuse, it’s just he’ll do want seem to digest what I say. We don’t not get on but there’s no connection now. I feel like we’re just both orbiting a universe and not experiencing much together.
I don’t want to paint a picture where I’m perfect as I know I’m not or one where DH is horrible as he isn’t. I could give you chapter and verse of his good points but I just can’t continue like this. I keep thinking if we weren’t together at least I’d get a proper break and I desperately, desperately need one.

I think you are exhausted and the setup you have just doesn’t work.
I am not sure why you think divorce will actually make your life any better.

By the sound of it - your H is just lazy and doesn’t want to be be involved with your child. And that won’t change with divorce.
He can just easily not want to take the child for overnights - while they are small and difficult to take care of. And no one can force him.

I know you said telling you to change anything isn’t helpful. But I really don’t understand why you wouldn’t get your child info more childcare. And - personally - I’d not be leaving the house on my days off. If the child bothers your H - he can work in the office. It’s very simple.
Going as you are is only going to break you - and you seem quite close to that point.

Have you considered antidepressants?

@MMmomDD thanks for replying.

I can’t just put my child into more childcare without considerable changes, all of which would take time. I did in fact work full time initially and it isn’t any less work or less exhausting.

It also isn’t DH insisting we leave the house all day, but ultimately if I choose to stay in I am constantly having to stop a two year old going into the office and I can’t. It’s just awful, he cries and tantrums and then gravitates back.

Separation would mean a day ‘off’ at least once a week, and I can’t keep up with what I have now.

One of the main things you've mentioned is with your child consistently trying to get to DH when he's WFH and you're all in the house at the same time.

This could be separation anxiety or behavioural habits. Can you not look into hiring a child behaviourist for a week, or a private social worker, and see if they can come and watch a normal day in your home, to see what happens and then they may be able to offer you support and training on how to overcome or change these habits with your child?

Have you told DH it’s come to this?

I could give you chapter and verse of his good points

& none of them would outweigh the fact that he does precisely 1.5 hours parenting a week.

Surprise us - he does no housework or cooking either does he?

What are you doing that you’re “scurrying around”?

The thing is, even if you split and he doesn't take his child for any more than he currently bothers with, you're not sitting there seething with resentment and frustration and wondering why the fuck you're doing everything and he's doing nowt.

Additionally, when you're on your own it can be easier for people to volunteer to help out because they know single parents struggle, whereas they see a couple with a child and assume you're coping fine because they have no idea one half of the couple is doing the square root of fuck all.

I don’t think it’s anything out of the ordinary to be honest, he is just a bit too young to understand his dads at work.

Getting myself showered and dressed with a toddler under my feet, getting the toddler washed and dressed and teeth brushed and everything we both need for the day.

You need to get back to work full time because you will need the money when you split up. I can guarantee that a man who spends 1.5 hours with his child each week now will not have his child one full day at the weekend ,
let alone 50% of the time.

He’s the type who will have his son for a few hours some weekends ( as long as he’s not busy ) , as long you as you drop him off and collect him and send him with a bag of clothes and a packed lunch .

I suggest a good conversation with your husband.
He must be aware that you are struggling to keep your child away from his work office door surely?

He surely must be able to go into the office more?
It’s not fair that you are shouldering this burden so talk to him.

OK well that’s not possible for a good while @ALLIS0N . I would really appreciate it if people could accept this. Working FT isn’t the answer and at the moment it is not possible, even if we do split up and I am not decided that I want to, in fact I don’t want to, but I feel as I said absolutely broken.

I wasn’t suggesting you go back to work full time. I was suggesting an extra day of childcare and you having that day as a day off.
And - I personally would stop attempts of trying to keep your toddler out of H’s office. He can go work somewhere else.

I guarantee you - your H won’t be having your child for a whole day if you split up. Lazy and selfish men don’t become model fathers upon divorce.

You are in a tough place and only you can fix it. By standing up and organising your life so that you don’t end up with more of a breakdown.

I am so sorry things are this difficult. It will get better - toddlers do grow up!!!

There's so many things that will help you from your post that YOU can change but I think you're too exhausted to see it

I agree with pp that leaving / divorce won't make your life any easier - just means you won't be stopping your toddler trying to get into the office 2 days a week. Even if he has the fodder for a small amount of time it's still exhausting being a single mother - I'm speaking from experience

1/ Firstly ' scurrying around ' you make it sound much harder than it should be
Don't shower you and toddler in the morning! Do it at night - if you have to shower again in the morning ( I am a 2 day shower person too ) put your 2 year old somewhere safe where you pop into the shower for a 2 min wash. I do that with my baby. She goes in the cot whilst I shower and get into clean clothes and put on nursery rhymes - it's the evening I get a longer shower at some point when hubby is home to help or when little ones in bed
So stop the scurrying for starters
Get clothes out ready night before, pre think breakie and anything you need then there's no need for scurrying altogether
2/ stop leaving the house 2 days a week! Tell your partner that's not possible anymore with a 2 yr old. Obviously you will do for some periods but not all day on his terms - unreasonable
Get a lock for the office for ?! Simple! You say
Daddy's gone to work, bye bye see you later and distract
3/ look into childcare to get you time
back
4/ tell your partner he will be getting up with toddler one morning a week - maybe the day he works from home. You lay in until 7 ( we do this ) and it makes all the difference
5) suggest after swimming he does something with toddler - lunch/play date or chill at home and book yourself a massage/pedicure/hair app/nail app/go to a coffee shop and eat cake/meet a friend/browse the shops/hike/bike/work out whatever takes your fancy! Maybe every other week as appreciate money isn't always an option but then it's something to look forward to

The problem you have is communication
Just because he's got into the routine and habit that's the way it is
But it's your job to talk to him to save your marriage

If he doesn't compromise then yes I think you should seriously look at leaving but only after making all those changes

Op you just need a break, time to yourself, communicate and then after and only after that can you decide if you aren't any longer connected

I think this is easily resolved but you do sound
Depressed / done in
Maybe a trip to the DR also may help ? Because no wonder you're depressed
It's no way to live if it makes you feel like this

X

I think maybe you want someone to give you permission to leave because you feel so exhausted. Which you don’t actually need any of us to do, you need to tell your husband you’re at breaking point.
It doesn’t matter if he’s the best guy in the universe, he’s parenting for 1.5 hours a week and as such you are at breaking point. If you don’t tell him where you’re at you will burn out entirely.
If he was to actually step up and parent, you were to get more “down time” would you still be thinking of leaving? (btw there’s thousands of good dads out there, don’t be fooled by the narrative that men work so can’t do their share of being a parent - they can, they often just don’t want to as it’s hard work!)

OP,
I am sorry you feel so miserable.
Please don't make decisions when you are tired and exhausted.
You certainly deserve time away from the house and kids.
Is there any chance you could get your husband to take a few days off work and take yourself somewhere away from the house?
Appreciate it costs money but you desperately are bored fed up and utterly exhausted.

Yes but there’s an affordability factor in there, @MMmomDD .

@househokks i night read through that some other time but right now I’ll be straight, the last thing I need is someone who isn’t living my life telling me how I’m getting it wrong. I’m sorry if I sound awful but I only read the ‘shower in the evening’ thing and tuned out. There are reasons why I do things the way I do. I only have around an hour and a half in the evening after DS goes to bed, and I have things to do in that time that don’t include showers.

@Doodle94 sometimes I think I want to leave but I don’t, what I want is a day off from the relentlessness. Maybe that is unfair though.

Why can't his tool of a father parent his own child while you are getting ready?

I'm trying to get my head round you saying he's a fundamentally good man versus your reality where he sees you broken and does nothing to help. He's putting himself first at every turn and conveniently not digesting what you're saying. So things stay as they are which suits him.

And to add my hubby works full time and when he's home he's 50/50
He baths baby while I cook or vice versa
He does bedtime whilst I wash up
So when we sit down at 7pm no one is working we are having us time ( until I go to bed at 9am!)

Little one gets up anything from 5-7 am and still has a night feed and maybe a couple of dummy re settles so Monday - Thursday I do any night wakings and feeds and EVERY week day my husband will deal with the 5am wake ups if she's up and I get 5-7am uninterrupted so I can still get up with my eldest
Sometimes if she sleeps until 7 he doenst heft to get up but knowing we have this system helps if I've had an unsettled night with the baby

He then does Friday and Saturday full nights so I get a full night sleep x2 - I usually wake around 8am and he goes back for a couple of hours if he needs to

This works for us and he is a hands on dad and we often argue on who's doing the night or eating the hot dinner first if bubba stirs as in he's always telling me to have a break and to eat first etc so I get he's brilliant and supportive BUT I know loads of other dads like this

He also will take baby out if I wanna get my hair done or have a massage etc and he has one evening hobby and maybe twice a week meets a friend in the pub for a quick pint...he does and it's just enough for us at the moment
He both feel refreshed and ready for the next day ahead but we talk and make sure we both feel happy / loved

But communication really is key op

X

Because he goes to work (out of the house) on those days, @TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu . He leaves before 7. He really isn’t a tool, either.

@Imnotachap he probably doesn’t see it. We don’t see much of one another which is probably at least part of the problem.

@Ifcopingatallbadly

I know there is affordability issue. But the way you are going will lead you to a complete breakdown. And I think you know it.
So - if H doesn’t want to pull his weight and he’

In which case, what is it you want from this thread?

The other pertinent fact is that there is an enormous shortage of childcare around here. I don’t know if it’s the same everywhere or not, but we’ve had a number of nurseries close very suddenly leaving families in the lurch and grappling for places. So even if the money was available I don’t know if I’d be able to find anywhere. I also know if it came to it I’d feel guilty about DS, which makes me feel I don’t want to leave at all. There’s probably the element of living a bit of a fantasy life where I get at least two days to myself a week but the reality is almost certainly very different.

I don’t know, @Summerhillsquare . Do I need to have a particular objective in mind? Isn’t it enough to share exhaustion and weariness and anxiety and depression somewhere supposedly safe? I know some of AIBUs toxicity has spread, but i thought relationships was still ‘safe’.

Writing has always helped me work things out and get them in perspective. If it helps me, I’ll do it, even if you personally may not approve.