Is this the end of the road?

[Ifcopingatallbadly]

I am considering leaving my husband because as things stand, I’m not coping and I have to be honest here so telling me I’m weak or need to do this and that aren’t going to be helpful.
My DH is fundamentally a good man and I do need people to listen to that to and not just insist he isn’t because … people are complex. He was single and childless for many years before we met, we are older parents, and he had a job that took him all over the country and sometimes the world and I think he’s just too used to doing things his way.
I’m just broken. I work 3 days a week, I’m up when our 2 yo wakes which is usually around 5. I spend the morning scurrying around trying to get us both ready and out of the house on time. The two days I’m off work DH is working from home, so once his office day starts we have to go out otherwise the two year old just tantrums and tries to get to his dad constantly and I can’t stop him. The only break I get at weekends is DH takes the toddler swimming Saturday morning, this is maybe an hour and a half and it’s just not enough.
Trying to talk makes no difference - it isn’t that he’s deliberately obtuse, it’s just he’ll do want seem to digest what I say. We don’t not get on but there’s no connection now. I feel like we’re just both orbiting a universe and not experiencing much together.
I don’t want to paint a picture where I’m perfect as I know I’m not or one where DH is horrible as he isn’t. I could give you chapter and verse of his good points but I just can’t continue like this. I keep thinking if we weren’t together at least I’d get a proper break and I desperately, desperately need one.

I get that you don’t really see each other, my partner works shifts and some weeks it’s all me. He’s out of the house for 16 hours a day, so I totally get it. BUT, he still has to do his share when he’s not on those shifts. Because he’s equally as responsible as me! The same for you, the reason he’s been called a tool or incompetent whatever it was, is because he is literally watching you exhausting yourself to the point of breaking and still hasn’t stepped up? As I said before the narrative that men are just a bit shit isn’t good enough, he shouldn’t need to have it pointed out to him. But on the flip side I do think if you haven’t communicated any of this with him, he’s going to be pretty shocked you’re on the verge of leaving him so you get a break.
(fyi I’ve been a single mum and as others have said, you don’t get a break then either. It was even worse for me, please think it through before you leave if you’re hoping it will be easier!)

When I went back to work after mat leave, my husband carried on exactly as he had while I was at home. After about 2 weeks, I sat him down and explained the problem. He simply hadn't thought through the fact that I was now working three days a week and still doing virtually all childcare and house stuff. He asked me to make a list of everything I was doing and then just took almost half the list. He started having DS while I showed in the morning, just like I did for him. We always shared the nights anyway, but especially on my work nights and we had one lie in each at weekends. It sounds like you might just need this chat too. If DH is great, he may just not realise where you are and will respond if you tell him. As others say, if you divorce him you absolutely don't guarantee yourself a day off per week. My DH died and I've been solo parenting for 10 years since DS2 was 3 years old. I am completely exhausted (but less cross because if something doesn't get done, it's just my own fault!)

As for the working at home issue, put a stair gate at the bottom of the stairs so he is far enough away to not stop DH working, but so you can stay home. Take him out in the garden while DH goes upstairs and then get on with the day at home.

sometimes I think I want to leave but I don’t, what I want is a day off from the relentlessness. Maybe that is unfair though.

It's not unfair of you to feel like you need a day off, you sound exhausted and you know this situation is unsustainable, but divorce isn't necessarily the answer to how you get a day off.

As previous posters have mentioned, he will be as hands on as a co parent as he is a husband, and likely less so, so it's not going to to do you any favours in reality.

How about you say, on Saturday I'm going out for the day, I'll be back around six, and leave them to it for the day. Book yourself into a spa and take a book, and switch your phone off. Have a swim and a lie down.

Going forward you do need to work in some changes to your week, because doing this over and over for years isn't a life. You've not liked the suggestions here, but maybe you have your own ideas that would work. Something has to give, don't make it you, because that won't help anyone.

DS has been able to break through stair gates for a long time, but in any case, it’s the crying that is quite stressful.

I am really sorry to hear about your DH.

the thing is that sometimes DH can’t do 50/50 as he just isn’t here, so it’s never going to be totally even. It just does feel a bit like being adrift on the ocean.

the thing is that sometimes DH can’t do 50/50 as he just isn’t here, so it’s never going to be totally even.

Sometimes he's not there, no, but when he is if you raise your expectations of him and ask him to pull his weight that would be a start.

@GoldDuster maybe but that’s one day. And then when is the next time I can do that, in a month, two months? I do actually get a couple of ‘days off’ once every six/seven weeks or so. But they don’t even come close to months of up at crazy o clock and all the other stuff!

At some appropriate moment tomorrow op, if you can bear it, and your dh isn’t completely irresponsible, just hand over your toddler to your husband without saying a word, and walk out of the door with a bag.

Once far enough away, turn off your location setting in your phone. Text that you are fine and will return on Monday morning and when you do, you need to have a serious talk. Stay in a local travel lodge type place or with a family member and eat and sleep for the entire weekend.

Go back on Monday and negotiate. If he protests and days he’s tired or he felt alone and couldn’t cope, tell him that is how you have felt for the last two years.

Changes might involve:

-putting your child in daycare for one extra day on one of your days off so you can rest

-your husband stepping up and doing all bedtimes

-your husband looking after your toddler on one of your days off

-your dh getting your toddler up and taking him to nursery in the mornings

• throwing money at it and getting a babysitter for Saturday afternoons or Sundays.

Tell your dh that this is non-negotiable because you are sleep deprived and on the point of a breakdown. Tell him that he needs to step up. Or get him to accompany you to a hv or gp appointment and get them to tell him to step up.

Tell him that if you do mornings, he has to do evenings or vice versa, like every other couple, and you cannot continue doing all of this alone. Do all of this very calmly and seriously and do not apologise or allow him to wriggle out of his commitments.

If he says he can’t do his part for any reason then calmly walk out again and tell him you are going to consult a solicitor.

You need to get more support from either your partner, (you can expect him to pitch in when he is, because if he doesn't and your hair is off with stress, then I'm sorry, he is a tool) from childcare, or from somewhere else, or if that is all impossible for some reason, you need to change your mindset about your situation.

Nothing other than change is going to make a difference!

Incidentally my husband has a ´big’ job, travels a lot and works long hours but he still got up in the night and let me sleep in at weekends, did the nursery run and bedtime when he was home.

And he wasn’t young atm. Being an older dad is no excuse. It’s tiring but that’s life.

Would your husband respond to parenting classes? Joining a dad’s group?

Is there a group of dad’s that walk in the park? Why can’t he do the morning routine if he works from home?

^ This exactly!

It’s good that posting has helped you think about all of this op. Hope your dh steps up.

Have you done a thread about this before ? The child wanting to get to dad is ringing bells.
Anyhow, DH needs to work elsewhere, not at home, and you need to go out all day on Saturday to get a break. If you can’t do that it would be easier to live separately.

Honestly!!!

There are two adults here and one child

On Saturday TELL YOUR HUSBAND that you need an afternoon OFF looking after your child - and going forward you need a lie in on the Sunday and he can have one on the Saturday

Tell him you are tired and depressed and can’t see the wood for the trees

Its not rocket science - you just need more support

also get a cleaner

if he refuses this then I’m afraid he is a ‘tool’ or worse

Oh and that you need that afternoon to yourself every week!

I had one like that & I left him.

It's not what you probably want to hear, but some people quite like that kind of setup, where the (usually) woman does all the domestic stuff & the man is "facilitated". He can continue on like a single bloke, just working as usual & cherry picking the nice bits of family life at the weekends.

I gave mine an ultimatum & he didn't step up.

It is clear that you do not want to/are too tired to hear or believe it, but you CAN change things for the better if you want to AND leaving your husband will NOT make things any easier. It feels though like there is no point us saying anything more than that because you are so certain neither of those statements are true.

How are your weekends spent? Would it be possible for you to have Sunday off and not be at home?
or Saturday - since your husband and child are out for a bit for swimming so you could leave before they got home?
It might help you if you split care of your child at the weekend rather than you both being at home but the burden of care falling on you. So one day you and one day your husband?

OP I did leave my husband for this type of scenario - he is an older dad too. I was worn out (had 2 children with him) and he never stepped up when we were together. From his perspective he didn't need to - I was doing it all! Like you I was exhausted - as the kids got older, the relentlessness changed, instead of tantrums, bottom wiping etc, it became school runs, keeping on top of the house, looking after his mum who came to live with us and working full time. I never had me time. And I mean NEVER. Looking back now why I didn't leave sooner is unbelievable. The reasons I didn't are 2 things - I hoped for change. And 2nd, I just didn't have the strength to leave. I was far too tired and my confidence was on the floor.

After many many conversations, arguments, me breaking down - nothing worked. He just didn't step up (I don't care if he chose to or just didn't know how). Instead he would argue that he was tired too. Towards the end his solution was him packing stuff and saying he's leave and never come back. On and on it went...he never wanted to work with me to make our life better.

Anyway, what I want to say is :
The love I had for him eroded over time until eventually I didn't love him anymore. He became another thing I had to look after and be responsible for.

Now we are divorced. Initially he saw the kids ad hoc, then moved to EOW. Many years later we share them 50/50 and you know what - largely he has stepped up and we coparent amicably. And I think the main reason why is that he had to. He was capable all along but didn't need to.

I know how hopeful you feel about your husband stepping up. Really its not about that. It's about when the love you feel for him will die completely and if he wants to work with you to make sure that doesn't happen.

Organize some time away on your own to reflect a long weekend spa break. Maybe DH being in his own with toddler will help him understand.

Agree that resentment is a killer in relationships.

Are you getting treatment for your nectar health, OP? I would seek treatment before making a big decision like ending a marriage.

Parenting toddlers is "in the trenches" & yoi sometimes can come through the other side.

It's hard to see the dynamics of your relationship from your posts. My ex would just say yes to anything, just to shut me ip & stop me "nagging", with no real intention of following through - hence the ultimatum.

He ultimately cared more about himself & his work than he did about me, his kids or family life.

I finished it & he then decided he wanted counselling - too late - he'd been dismissing me for years.

The two days I’m off work DH is working from home, so once his office day starts we have to go out otherwise the two year old just tantrums and tries to get to his dad constantly and I can’t stop him.

Can't your dh change his WFH days to days when you're working? Crazy that he's just sitting there listening to all this and doing nothing to make life easier.

I think he either needs to go into the office if he can, or can you change your non-working days round?

Start small. Then build on each small success.

Will he wake up/breakfast the toddler one day a week so you have a long lie in. Say toddler is allowed to wake you up with a kiss at noon? This is the one thing my useless DH did and having those extra hours of sleep with no worry made a HUGE difference to my mental health.

Then work on the next small step.

I totally get where your coming from and feel it myself. I have started carving out me time when I can I.e other half puts little one to bed and I go out walking/gym etc at least 2/3 a week. I have childcare on a morning when I am not working and make sure I do something for me in that time. I am also speaking to other half about getting a cleaner for a once a month clean as I am exhausted. I have also signed up for the gym and they have crèche in the mornings so I can have time out in exercise class/ gym/hot tub/ steam room if needed. Wish I had started all these changes sooner, hope you can speak with your husband and he can help you make some changes, not sure a pill will fix it Xxx

Might be the end of the road, yeah.

One thing you might try to improve things is pat for a nanny for a day a week. Then you both get a break and if he regrets the extra money spent you can point out that it's to replace his lack of effort. It might actually help though and help even things up a bit childcare wise. It won't make him do any more work but at least it could give you a little break.

OP, I have a two year old who I solo parent most of the time (partner works away). I also work full time, manage the household etc etc. My DC wakes up 3-5 times a night every night and has done always. I'm exhausted also. But despite all that I don't feel like you do. I have two observations as to what might be going on for you - 1) is it beyond exhaustion and actually depression or another mental or physical health issue that's taking you down and/or 2) your exhaustion is also emotional exhaustion from upset with your partner who you feel (rightly, by the sounds of it) is not pulling his weight at all. If your issue is purely 1) then leaving him probably won't help you, but perhaps seeing your GP might. If it's the latter leaving him might help you, but first I'd say have a serious talk with him where you tell him things are bad enough that if he doesn't support you more you will feel you need to leave. For me on a daily basis I can get on with everything alone, but where I struggle is when I feel my partner, a family member etc is being unsupportive and then I feel overwhelmed with exhaustion, anger, and sadness. Whether you leave him or not I think you need to address this problem or if it isn't already it will certainly become a mental health issue.

Your husband needs to step up in the parenting stakes, especially the mornings.

Can he wfh the days you work and back to the office your days off?

Why can't he do more than swimming once a week? Surely he can parent for a day to give you a break?