Do I move on?

[LadyH846]

I met a man through a mutual hobby. I’d known him for a couple of years and several months ago we got closer.

We saw each other as friends for several months. It was a very close friendship. We saw each other every weekend, often staying up all night or until the wee hours on a Saturday night talking. We could talk and laugh for hours and we both agreed that being in one another’s company was so enjoyable. I’d never found that with a man before to this extent. He was so kind, caring and attentive, looking out for me in a variety of ways.

I was sure our relationship was headed somewhere romantic just because our relationship was so emotionally intimate. He also made it clear he found me very attractive. There was quite a lot of flirting. He’s 15 or so years older than me and in his 50s. At one point I told him I wanted him to kiss me but nothing happened. He told me he was into me but indicated there was some reason why he wasn’t going to act on it right now, but didn’t say why.

We continued to see one another.

In the end, a physical relationship started. He told me he really liked me. And I woke up one day realising I was in love with him in a way I hadn’t been in decades. I was shocked and not entirely sure I even wanted to be with someone so much older. The sex was amazing and we couldn't get enough of each other.

He then revealed to me that he had actually been in a 2 year long-distance relationship with someone else for most of the time we’d been seeing one another. He had lied and even told me he was single months prior. They had broken up about 10 days before our physical relationship began. (Nothing physical actually happened between us until after they broke up, but I do think regardless some of our behaviour was inappropriate looking back. If I'd known about her, I would have adjusted my behaviour for sure.)

He said the relationship with his ex wasn’t a good or very close one. A friend of his described it as “no great romance” and very casual. (They broke up because she wanted him to move to her city and he refused.) She was in love with him but he didn't return her feelings to the same extent. He defended his lie by saying that he "felt" he was single when he told me that and that the relationship was not a good one. He was struggling a lot around the time we met. He said he didn’t want to stop seeing me because our relationship made things in his life feel more bearable.

He also told me that he had a crush for a few years on someone he couldn’t have and he’d never told her, and that he considered himself to be in love with this woman. I know for a fact that this woman doesn’t like him back. He said he needs to tell her how he feels so he can finally move on.

He wanted to keep seeing me, but by this point I had found that I was doing most of the pursuing and initiating, which I wasn’t happy with. I also wasn’t happy I’d been lied to or that he was “in love” with someone else.

I told him I think it’s not healthy for him to continue something with me while being so fresh out of the relationship with someone else and I felt he needed some space because he’s not meeting me halfway like a normal relationship. Plus because of what he told me about the woman he's "in love" with. And then there was the fact he lied to me.

He said he was still reeling because of the end of his relationship and that’s why he hadn't been meeting me halfway.

I told him that he needs space and if he resolves certain situations and is available in the future maybe we could have something. It sounds like he's fearful I'll meet someone else in the meantime.

I stopped contacting him. It’s been almost 2 weeks and it’s incredibly hard.

But now I am feeling this is not a good idea to envision the idea that there could be something between us in the future, and I need to move on. I keep thinking about the lying and whether I could forgive that moving forwards.

I'm thinking that if he really liked me, he would have got over the end of the relationship (which sounds like it was very casual and on its way out anyway when we met) quickly and over his ridiculous crush on someone who’s not into him, and would be showing up at my door.

We will likely see each other in future at the social events connected to our hobby. I asked him to not go to the one I usually go to for a couple of months, to give me some space.

He agreed.

I am still in love with him but I'm not sure all of this is a good basis for a future relationship.

Can someone give me a reality check please?

I should also add that I have a history of getting involved with unavailable or uncommitted men, and I've been working to break this pattern.

I fear that prolonging the involvement with this man in any way would be continuing that pattern.

Look up the avoidant and dismissive trap. It sounds like he is a dismissive avoidant, they always have a 'phantom' ex that no one can measure up to and they use this to create distance in relationships, and stop them getting close to you. Read up on attachment styles and I think you will find it useful.

My best advice is to end the relationship. You simply cannot date somebody who hides his girlfriend from you. Focus on leaving the group you share. Block his phone number. Onwards and upwards to the "one". Hint: he's not 15 years older. That is simply too much of an age gap. He should not be more than five years older than you. Focus on picturing yourself in the future, happily married and fondly remembering this other guy for about one minute per year.

I already know I have an anxious attachment style so it's not surprising he might be avoidantly attached. But then he doesn't really match the dismissive avoidant profile totally (I had an ex with this attachment style.)

We said that we had such a connection that we would attempt to be friends again at some point but I'm wondering if moving on would involve blocking him and trying to avoid him at social events in future.

I've wasted years of my life in the past to unfulfilling relationships with non-committal men and I'm just not willing to do it anymore.

Thank you.

I won't be leaving the hobby group because I get too much enjoyment from it to do that, but I can definitely avoid the events he goes to and avoid engaging with him in future.

I am also left with this feeling that if he came back in the future, perhaps things would be different.

It sounds as if he's told you what you want to hear about his other relationship to keep you sweet. He could be still with her, hence not contacting you. Whatever, he's a loser and you deserve more.

If you have a pattern of attracting unavailable men I would 100 per cent recommend investigating the reasons for that with a therapist before you date again.

Thank you for your response.

I've done therapy (years of it) and know the reasons for choosing unavailable men in the past.

You have definitely done the right thing in finishing it. I am resting to do what you have done for similar reasons. It is really difficult but I realise to that I have been accepting less than I deserve and repeating an unhealthy relationship style.
Please be strong and don’t let him back.

A connection isn't a good enough reason to be his friend. Of course there are many men with whom you could have a connection. The point is you are better off making that connection a marriage. Men and women can't be friends if you want to be open to a new relationship. And this guy won't be any different in the future. Let go. Breathe in. Try to face the future.

When a man triangulates a woman against TWO other women, is he actually rectangulating?

I am so sorry you have been deceived so hurtfully.
Not only did he have a LTR which he's dismissed in the same way a married man dismisses his wife to his OW, but he wants you to Pick-Me Dance in competition with Mystery Flame Woman?

Christ on a bike do NOT accept this level of disrespect.
Or his entitlement.
Or his casual using of women & disregard for their feelings.

Nah, look up "entitled arsehole", it will give you a much clearer picture of who he is.

He should not be more than five years older than you.
😂😂😂

Why? Is it The Law?

Sorry, haven't finished laughing yet. 😂😂😂

How so?

He'd still be the man who cheated on his LTR, deceived you, & tried to make you jealous of Mystery Flame Woman. And didn't care about the hurt any of that would cause you.

Of course there are many men with whom you could have a connection. The point is you are better off making that connection a marriage. Men and women can't be friends if you want to be open to a new relationship.

Oh look the relationship police are back.
This time with The Law that men & women cannot be friends, & that marriage should be a woman's goal, above friendship.

😂😂😂😂😂

This man is in his 50s but acts like a teenager. He needs to tell his secret love (who isn’t interested in him) how he feels so he can finally move on? He cheated on his girlfriend who he claims is in love with him but he doesn’t feel the same way, to be with you, but is still reeling from it? He seems to be attracted to the idea of drama-fuelled, complicated romance. I would bet that he never broke up with her.

His emotional immaturity and weird obsession with another woman is not your problem. I would run for the hills.

I ran for the hills. That's how I know about age gap relationships and the interference a "friendship" like this causes if you are seeking an actual relationship. By the way, friendship with this type of man isn't an "actual" relationship because if you really really like himas this poster does, you will be devastated every time he spends time with another woman. ie. you will be jealous. So even the friendship will not work out. A relationship will not work out either, because he will cheat on you. Even wasting time having coffee with him will prevent you from a) finding a real relationship, and b) doing your work.

There are worse things than heeding the advice of somebody who has been there.

Just stopping by to say well done. It sounds like you know your risks and have spotted and acted on the red flags. If that's real movement from your past then it's worth celebrating.

And right to forget this one. He sounds like a big L for loser.

Oh look the relationship police are back.
🤣🤣🤣

“This man is in his 50s but acts like a teenager. He needs to tell his secret love (who isn’t interested in him) how he feels so he can finally move on? He cheated on his girlfriend who he claims is in love with him but he doesn’t feel the same way, to be with you, but is still reeling from it? He seems to be attracted to the idea of drama-fuelled, complicated romance. I would bet that he never broke up with her.

His emotional immaturity and weird obsession with another woman is not your problem. I would run for the hills.”

This. Sorry this happened, OP, but well done for walking away. For future reference, if a man has reached his 50s without properly settling down, that’s probably because he doesn’t know how to have an adult relationship.

Thank you all. It was good to wake up to these messages; just the reality check I need to stay the course. I've been crying a lot in the past days but feeling a lot better today.

I notice people on here are referring to him cheating. The physical relationship didn't begin until after they broke up, but we were incredibly intimate emotionally. He complimented me a lot and also occasionally talked about sex which seems inappropriate looking back. We also went out on what I thought was a date.

I guess it was an emotional affair at a minimum.

I blocked him

Good. He is absolutely full of shit. Of course he was cheating on his partner hanging out with you all night. Get real. How convenient his relationship ended 10 days before he shagged you. He is in his 50s. Don’t be so naive

All relationships have to be ordered properly. Even your relationship to me. You don't like what I said. But there's no need to call me the relationship police. It's better for you to come up with a rebuttal. For instance, you could say, "But you can just be friends with a guy who is in a relationship with another woman." Okay. Then, I'd say, "Even your friendship with her boyfriend would bother the first woman." Personally, I think it's better not to bother other women. Leave their boyfriends alone. except for short conversations at the water cooler at work. But this poster didn't even have that choice because the guy lied to her. Hence, the consistent advice from all the responders. Hence the need for relationships to be properly ordered.