I met a man through a mutual hobby. I’d known him for a couple of years and several months ago we got closer.
We saw each other as friends for several months. It was a very close friendship. We saw each other every weekend, often staying up all night or until the wee hours on a Saturday night talking. We could talk and laugh for hours and we both agreed that being in one another’s company was so enjoyable. I’d never found that with a man before to this extent. He was so kind, caring and attentive, looking out for me in a variety of ways.
I was sure our relationship was headed somewhere romantic just because our relationship was so emotionally intimate. He also made it clear he found me very attractive. There was quite a lot of flirting. He’s 15 or so years older than me and in his 50s. At one point I told him I wanted him to kiss me but nothing happened. He told me he was into me but indicated there was some reason why he wasn’t going to act on it right now, but didn’t say why.
We continued to see one another.
In the end, a physical relationship started. He told me he really liked me. And I woke up one day realising I was in love with him in a way I hadn’t been in decades. I was shocked and not entirely sure I even wanted to be with someone so much older. The sex was amazing and we couldn't get enough of each other.
He then revealed to me that he had actually been in a 2 year long-distance relationship with someone else for most of the time we’d been seeing one another. He had lied and even told me he was single months prior. They had broken up about 10 days before our physical relationship began. (Nothing physical actually happened between us until after they broke up, but I do think regardless some of our behaviour was inappropriate looking back. If I'd known about her, I would have adjusted my behaviour for sure.)
He said the relationship with his ex wasn’t a good or very close one. A friend of his described it as “no great romance” and very casual. (They broke up because she wanted him to move to her city and he refused.) She was in love with him but he didn't return her feelings to the same extent. He defended his lie by saying that he "felt" he was single when he told me that and that the relationship was not a good one. He was struggling a lot around the time we met. He said he didn’t want to stop seeing me because our relationship made things in his life feel more bearable.
He also told me that he had a crush for a few years on someone he couldn’t have and he’d never told her, and that he considered himself to be in love with this woman. I know for a fact that this woman doesn’t like him back. He said he needs to tell her how he feels so he can finally move on.
He wanted to keep seeing me, but by this point I had found that I was doing most of the pursuing and initiating, which I wasn’t happy with. I also wasn’t happy I’d been lied to or that he was “in love” with someone else.
I told him I think it’s not healthy for him to continue something with me while being so fresh out of the relationship with someone else and I felt he needed some space because he’s not meeting me halfway like a normal relationship. Plus because of what he told me about the woman he's "in love" with. And then there was the fact he lied to me.
He said he was still reeling because of the end of his relationship and that’s why he hadn't been meeting me halfway.
I told him that he needs space and if he resolves certain situations and is available in the future maybe we could have something. It sounds like he's fearful I'll meet someone else in the meantime.
I stopped contacting him. It’s been almost 2 weeks and it’s incredibly hard.
But now I am feeling this is not a good idea to envision the idea that there could be something between us in the future, and I need to move on. I keep thinking about the lying and whether I could forgive that moving forwards.
I'm thinking that if he really liked me, he would have got over the end of the relationship (which sounds like it was very casual and on its way out anyway when we met) quickly and over his ridiculous crush on someone who’s not into him, and would be showing up at my door.
We will likely see each other in future at the social events connected to our hobby. I asked him to not go to the one I usually go to for a couple of months, to give me some space.
He agreed.
I am still in love with him but I'm not sure all of this is a good basis for a future relationship.
Can someone give me a reality check please?