What should I do?

[dunhan]

So I’ve been with my bf 8 years. We have kids together, live together etc.

im sitting here at 1am really really frustrated to the point I’m wanting to cry so I want to know what I can do/what people think I should do.

although our sex is usually great, our entire relationship it’s only ever been when HE wants it. He wants to be the one in control and come on to me. I can never initiate sex, I’ve tried so many times over the years (wearing sexy lingerie to subtle ways like just trying to kiss him etc). It just never works he prefers to be the dominant one and says he wants to f*ck me (apologies tmi). There’s only been a handful of times that I’ve come on to him and it’s worked.

obviously I’ve just given up and just wait for him. This means we literally just have sex when HE wants it. Which is usually every 3-ish days. The problem I have is that I struggle with my hormones lately and don’t just get aroused easily. So there are times even though I want to do it I just can’t get aroused so it’s not that enjoyable for me, and there are other times when I’m so turned on and I can’t come on to him and miss the opportunity!

It also takes more for me to get in the mood recently, I need a build up, more touching and kissing etc and not just going straight into foreplay or penetration. Last week I dressed in sexy lingerie and he rejected me… I was so turned on and missed the opportunity and then few days later he came on to me and by that point I wasn’t feeling it at all and didn’t enjoy it.

yesterday and today I’ve been very turned on etc and he hasn’t tried anything. I’ve told him that i wouldn’t let him know when I’m horny or come on to him and his response is basically that’s my fault as if I should come on to him but I know it just doesn’t work that way.

im really frustrated just waiting for him to make the move, today when the kids were at school it was the perfect chance yet he didn’t bother with me at all. I know he could sense I was horny because he mentioned it. Then tonight he sat next to me just playing PlayStation for hours, I sat patiently hoping he’d initiate or touch me but nothing. We got into bed, he sat on his phone for ages basically ignoring me then when he was ready he pulled me close and hugged me (very affectionate but nothing sexual at all and fell asleep).

I’ve left the room because I am so frustrated and I know it sounds so silly but it’s really starting to bother me now! My hormones don’t cooperate all the time, I’m not just ‘ready to go’ at any moment, so when I’m in the mood it would be nice to do it! It would be nice to be more acknowledged too, not just when he’s ready to have sex.

I don’t even know how to overcome this situation, he will tell me that I should come on to him but whenever I try it rarely works and I don’t want to feel embarrassed. I don’t want to have sex with him if he’s not in the mood so I just have to wait for when he’s ready.

sorry for the rant but I’m so so frustrated. Now tomorrow he will probably try (as it’s been a few days) but by then I’m not going to be wet and turned on like today! I’m not going to be in the mood and I’m going to have to force myself to try and get aroused and that’s not fun! I just want to be able to jump on my bf and be sexual without having to worry.

First off, stop having sex when you don't feel like it. Unless he's prepared to put the work in to turn you on first.

You're not a blow up doll.
If he isn't concerned with your pleasure then you don't have sex with him. Sex is for mutual pleasure.

And bloody well tell him that.

You need to be very firm.
If he tries to to straight to...banging your head of the headboard stage, you tell him its not on and he can go sleep on the sofa tonight and rethink his bloody antics.

You can actually get badly injured if you have sex and aren't turned on. Tears ect...

The word 'no' needs to start to feature in your vocabulary.

Also, I'd be very surprised if he wasn't a selfish, controlling arse in other aspects of your life. So if he huffs or puffs or continues to make everything all about him...it may be time to reevaluate this relationship.

He sounds awful, op. :( truly awful and controlling. A relationship is meant to be between two people, not one person and a robot. Maybe he should go get a robot and let you find a better man.

Ps: get yourself a decent vibrator and if he says no, use it instead that day. Whilst next to him. Maybe make it clear you're really enjoying yourself. See if it brings out his competitive nature lol.

Hi OP, I can't sleep and just saw your post.

My exH was like your bf and what you've written is so similar to my experience. The only difference is he wanted to 'fuck' me once a month (at best), not every three days!

We were together 9 years during what I feel were my best years sexually (mid thirties to mid forties) and not only was it incredibly upsetting and frustrating, it was humiliating; I felt so unloved and rejected. If he wanted sex, he'd announce it out of the blue and whether I wanted to or not, I took it because for those few minutes (it was all over quite quickly) I felt desired and wanted, overwhelmingly so to the point that I'd get upset.

I put up with this because he was my husband and I loved him. The irony is, he ended up having an affair with someone at his work and left me. That was six years ago and I still feel humiliated about the whole thing.

I don't know what to suggest, OP but I feel for you. I assume you love your boyfriend? What's he like as a partner generally?

Hi everyone! Thanks for your responses.

I feel quite silly, I’ve woken up this morning it’s a new day and I feel like I probably over reacted (I know this isn’t the case).

its a difficult one, as he generally does try to please me during sex 95% of the time. He always tries to make me ‘O’ and does get rather upset with himself if I don’t but I just don’t think he’s understanding how I’m feeling about all of this.

yesterday he even told me randomly that he wants to do some ‘homework’ on me and spend a whole week ‘going down’ on me purely just to understand me better, for me to tell him how I like it etc so he can learn to please me better.

im really not interested in a vibrator, my crave is for physical intimacy. I really want that human connection from sex so the vibrator thing wouldn’t really satisfy me.

it’s difficult because although he is a very sexual person, wants to please me etc it’s still on HIS timing. I’m considering trying to come on to him today and see how it goes? I’m not really in the mood like I was yesterday but I’ll give it a shot.

Hey OP - really difficult situation and I feel bad for you.

Ive got to agree with the first comment that you need to make sure you say no when your not in the mood (just like he does) that way when you come on to him he will value it more.

I was also gonna say to get a good vibrator, but if that’s not your thing then that’s cool. Not for everyone but has been great for me.

I don’t want to sound rude as I’m sure that you probably have done this. But have you actually discussed this with him and explained what is going on from your perspective? If he sits and listens and still doesn’t change that would be a big red flag for me.

Also you could consider relationship counselling, not something I’ve ever done personally so can’t say how effective it is but I’ve heard it can help in these sort of situations.

Sorry that was long! And definitely try coming on to him again (as long as you want to) I think the worst thing you could do is give up, because he will see this as winning and becoming totally dominant over you…

Hey! I have told him here and there over the years. Even last week we had a little argument as we had gone through a rough few days and then when we had sex I just couldn’t get aroused and ended up walking away mid sex… that really bothered and he was very upset for a few days.

he knows that sex for me is a mental thing too but I just feel like he only wants to be the one on control. There have been a few times I’ve successfully been able to come on to him but it’s never guaranteed and I don’t think it’s normal for it to be this hard! I should equally feel comfortable enough to come on to him, or be affectionate not just in a sexual way.

im going to try again today and see what happens. After this I am going to really tell him how I feel

I should add, even when I try to be affectionate in a non sexual way I can get rejected. Some days he likes me trying to hug/give him a kiss or touch him etc and other days it’s like Im not able to.

we were watching tv one evening and he put his hand on my thigh so I Simply leaned over and puckered my lips for a quick kiss (not making out, a simple mwah little kiss) and he completely refused. I proceeded to wait and keep asking ‘just a quick kiss’ and he refused and told me ‘later’. Needless to say that ‘later’ never happened…

This isn't about sex. It's about control.

He sounds awful.

What on earth have I read? It would be a NO every time from me whilst I planned to leave. He sounds like an utter controlling weirdo.

I am in the same position as you but I am a man saying this. My wife of 26.5 years doesn't want it and/or all in her terms if she wants it.

I don't get it for weeks safely say no less then sometime 3 months I go without Sxx.

I get frustrated, she knows that and/or I make my feel frustrated but she doesn't to anything about it its on is own even more frustration for me.

When/if we have it does hurts me and I fake it to finish early and truth is I think she is glad it is over because straight away she get dressed. There is no cuddle or kisses I am not connecting with her afterwards she is always been like . I have tried everything, I am normally very gently I take my time and I used to organise surprise weekends away or suggest that. because she doesn't get turned on at all whatever I tried, it made me failures.

Your updates don't make the situation sound any better. He's controlling you and this is not a good relationship with good sex. Good men don't behave like this. He sounds like a man who needs the element of control to be able to get off. You're backtracking a bit because this is difficult to face.

Update - didn’t manage to come on to him and it won’t be happening either.

after taking the kids to school, running some errands, coming back and sorting things out he had only just gotten out of bed (he’s working a late shift today) and the first thing he does is start pointing out things for me to do. Example, the lid of the butter container in the fridge had broken a little (starts complaining), sees a few crumbs inside the microwave (starts complaining and telling me to clean it), points out some little bits that need to be hoovered etc. baring in mind I do all of the housework (as he worlds full time) but I snapped and told him if he sees these things he can also help clean them. I also told him I’m fed up and I wish I had a bf that treated me better.

that statement has caused a big argument to which I ended up shouting at him that I’m not a robot, he should treat me better, make more effort, not only touch me when he wants, pay me more attention etc.

so yet again my entire opportunity is gone and I’m so frustrated.

But you needed to say those things, OP, because they’re incredibly important.

Was he raised on crappy, phallocentric porn or something? Because it all sounds very performative. Like because he - the man - feels like having sex, you - the woman - should just be raring to go. That is of course how crappy, phallocentric porn depicts the act. He wants to spend a week practising oral on you but he doesn’t care whether or not you’re actually aroused in the first place? It makes no sense. It’s controlling and unpleasant.

Sorry op but he sounds like a lost cause.
I'd be packing my bags...or, his.

It doesn't sound like he sees you as a human being...let alone an equal partner.

All this 'he wants to be in control'..look, there nothing wrong with a dominance preference in the bedroom...IF it works for both parties. It doesn't for you. So it's not a respectful relationship. It's controlling.

The rejecting any affection ect...op...this sounds like an abusive relationship. He deliberately rejects you to make you feel hurt. To foster a desperation in you for affection and your needs to be met. It's controlling.

As is the criticism about household things. What kind of loser can't wipe the microwave or cellotape the butter lid? But wants for his partner to come home and nags her about it.

He's deliberately trying to frustrate you and exhaust you in every way.

Sorry but, he's hollow. Can't you see it?
That and his mind games to keep you running around after his...literal, table scraps, in every capacity.

Yes I do see what you are all saying. And yes you’re right I did need to say all of those things. For once I actually lost my patience and all this that has been building up I finally let it all out (not in the best manner but oh well).

I believe that alot of this stems from his upbringing. He never had a real ‘family’, was passed around and basically abandoned as a young boy, never developed a real ‘bond’ or connection with anyone (not even his mother) and was left to look after himself from a young age. I feel like maybe all he knows is ‘being in control’ if that makes sense? He doesn’t know how to really take care of someone else’s needs or emotions. He’s never been really shown love so now he’s more on ‘survival mode’ and can be very tough.

it’s not an excuse I know, I just think it’s a large contributing factor. I believe he also sees me as being this ‘pure and innocent’ mother of his children. He tells me often that I’m like ‘sacred’ because I’m the mother of his kids etc and I believe because of that he doesn’t want to see me in certain lights sexually

What you're describing op, is a narcissist.

Your second paragraph describes the maddona-whore complex. Which is a deeply disturbing issue. It's a deep mysoginy.

Also, you talk about his independence but the guy can't even wipe down a microwave.

Regarding YOUR upbringing, did you regularly have to run around after an abusive/childish or alcoholic parent? Or see your mother do that? Because I wonder if you yourself are dealing with codependecy. Which can make us more susceptible to dating narcissists and similar manipulative sorts.

For once I actually lost my patience and all this that has been building up I finally let it all out (not in the best manner but oh well

It's not 'Oh well', though. This is something to learn from. It's a big lesson: say what you need to say when you need to say it, because, even if you don't, it will eventually explode out on its own, in any old way it wants to, and you'll have little control over it.

You say that a lot of his behaviour is likely to be due to his upbringing, and you're probably right, but so is yours, and yours is the part you're responsible for, so yours is the part you need to analyse: Where did you learn to silence and minimise your feelings? Where did you learn that the other person's needs must be respected, whilst yours can be pushed to one side? Where did you learn not to validate how you feel?

He sounds absolutely vile 🤮

He’s pathetic.

For your own sake stop giving him opportunities to reject you. I’d never fuck him ever again. What a control freak.

Oh for heavens sake. He’s awful, the relationship is awful and you’re focusing on the (also awful) sex aspect because you don’t want to face up to the wider issues. If you really want to stay with someone who orders you to clean crumbs out of the microwave, you need to get both of you to professional help.

This is nothing to do with sex and everything to do with control. Giving and withholding affection is classic abuse. His poor upbringing and inability to function without feeling in control is HIS problem. Don't let it become yours.

It doesn’t sound like the sex is the issue that much, this is more about control on his behalf. When you said you leaned in for a quick kiss & he said “Later” that’s like a control thing.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I personally would struggle if I was you also. I think if you was to overlook your relationship on a whole, you might find that it’s not just sex he wants full control of.

Is there any other aspects of your relationship that he likes to be in control of?

I hope you manage to sort it out. Sounds really tough for your self esteem x

Hi everyone. Another update.

after I let out all of my emotions and told him how I felt things were alot better for the rest of the day. He even specifically came and asked me to tell him how I’m feeling and what I have a problem with (but by that stage I wasn’t really in the mood to go over it again at that moment).

we spent the night relaxing together on the sofa, him playing a game next to me, I was scrolling through tiktok etc. it was nice. I am still horny (as it’s been quite a few days now feeling like this) so I had hoped and was sure we would do it tonight.

I was laughing telling him how every video on my tiktok is just chocolate. I found it funny as I just sit watching videos of food and chocolate and was laughing showing him. So he then looks and decides to go on my tiktok search bar and type in a word (that I’ve never heard before) and it brings up all of these girls in bikinis just shaking their bums. He then clicks onto one video of 3 girls in bikini dancing/shaking their bums. I go quiet and look away (enough to let him know to stop) and he continues to watch the video and then I snapped and got angry at him. He then walked away and went to bed.

I got into bed and he told me that I have treated him badly so he won’t be touching me for a while… so again I have snapped and told him that I should be able to have sex with my partner.

its 2am and I have left the room sitting here so frustrated. I’m not angry I’m just so frustrated! I know I shouldn’t even bother at this rate

You know he set you up right?

He deliberately showed you that video to get a reaction from you. Then when you reacted (fairly) he made out you were the bad guy.

Op this man is absolutely horrible.

I stand by my prior comment: He's abusive.

He has just gaslighted you.

And he knows you're frustrated. And is enjoying that because it gives him control.

This is no longer a sex thing. You really need to run for the hills. Like, yesterday.