What should I do?

[dunhan]

So I’ve been with my bf 8 years. We have kids together, live together etc.

im sitting here at 1am really really frustrated to the point I’m wanting to cry so I want to know what I can do/what people think I should do.

although our sex is usually great, our entire relationship it’s only ever been when HE wants it. He wants to be the one in control and come on to me. I can never initiate sex, I’ve tried so many times over the years (wearing sexy lingerie to subtle ways like just trying to kiss him etc). It just never works he prefers to be the dominant one and says he wants to f*ck me (apologies tmi). There’s only been a handful of times that I’ve come on to him and it’s worked.

obviously I’ve just given up and just wait for him. This means we literally just have sex when HE wants it. Which is usually every 3-ish days. The problem I have is that I struggle with my hormones lately and don’t just get aroused easily. So there are times even though I want to do it I just can’t get aroused so it’s not that enjoyable for me, and there are other times when I’m so turned on and I can’t come on to him and miss the opportunity!

It also takes more for me to get in the mood recently, I need a build up, more touching and kissing etc and not just going straight into foreplay or penetration. Last week I dressed in sexy lingerie and he rejected me… I was so turned on and missed the opportunity and then few days later he came on to me and by that point I wasn’t feeling it at all and didn’t enjoy it.

yesterday and today I’ve been very turned on etc and he hasn’t tried anything. I’ve told him that i wouldn’t let him know when I’m horny or come on to him and his response is basically that’s my fault as if I should come on to him but I know it just doesn’t work that way.

im really frustrated just waiting for him to make the move, today when the kids were at school it was the perfect chance yet he didn’t bother with me at all. I know he could sense I was horny because he mentioned it. Then tonight he sat next to me just playing PlayStation for hours, I sat patiently hoping he’d initiate or touch me but nothing. We got into bed, he sat on his phone for ages basically ignoring me then when he was ready he pulled me close and hugged me (very affectionate but nothing sexual at all and fell asleep).

I’ve left the room because I am so frustrated and I know it sounds so silly but it’s really starting to bother me now! My hormones don’t cooperate all the time, I’m not just ‘ready to go’ at any moment, so when I’m in the mood it would be nice to do it! It would be nice to be more acknowledged too, not just when he’s ready to have sex.

I don’t even know how to overcome this situation, he will tell me that I should come on to him but whenever I try it rarely works and I don’t want to feel embarrassed. I don’t want to have sex with him if he’s not in the mood so I just have to wait for when he’s ready.

sorry for the rant but I’m so so frustrated. Now tomorrow he will probably try (as it’s been a few days) but by then I’m not going to be wet and turned on like today! I’m not going to be in the mood and I’m going to have to force myself to try and get aroused and that’s not fun! I just want to be able to jump on my bf and be sexual without having to worry.

Examples of other behaviour you might see from his sort

1. He cancels things you are really looking forwards to doing or going to with him. Usually at the last minute.

2. He takes huffs and often uses silent treatment as punishment.

1. He says one thing one day and the opposite a few days later. You query it and he tells you you must have misheard or misunderstood before.
2. He doesn't like your friends or family. Specifically people who really, really love and support you. OR he tells you these people don't actually have your back.
3. He never follows through. By that I mean, he says he will do something important to you...but he never does. He pretends to listen to you. But then, repeats the behaviour you've just told him was hurtful, like, five minutes later.
4. He shows mysoginy towards other women in his life (mother, exs). Or makes sexist remarks about women in general. Eg: 'women can never make up their minds'.
5. He seems displeased when you achieve things you really want. He always seems to do or say something that ruins the day. You write it off as him 'just not thinking' because surely, he didn't mean to upset you... ... ... :/
6. He hates special occasions like other people birthdays. Or, ignores or downplays their specialness. He may 'forget' entirely. Or, buy really bad gifts.

Any of these ringing bells?

Oh and 9 - do you constantly find yourself having to prove yourself in some way to him? Eg: justifying where the house isn't spotless because you've been busy with the kids all day ('honest, I haven't had a minute to myself free').

Or just things in general like - loyalty, honest intentions, belief in him, knowledge you have on a certain subject ect (eg you are a nurse but he still insists on googling how to put on a bandage. Implication being of course, that you couldn't possibly know wtf you are talking about).

This man is a controlling creep. ‘Homework’ 🤮🤮🤮. Why do you just sit beside him watching him play a game all night and describe it as ‘nice’? Your bar is so low it’s on the floor. He is using sex to control you. Why are you not working when you aren’t even married? You are totally at his whim and he orders you about like a drudge. Get some self respect. Get out and set a better example for your children. Plenty of people have bad childhoods, it’s not a license to be a prick. This guy has no respect for you and rubbed your face in it by showing you videos of girls in bikinis when you were looking at videos of food. He is a creep with a capital C. Get out of this asap. He isn’t going to change and sex is the least of your worries.

‘it’s not an excuse I know, I just think it’s a large contributing factor. I believe he also sees me as being this ‘pure and innocent’ mother of his children. He tells me often that I’m like ‘sacred’ because I’m the mother of his kids etc and I believe because of that he doesn’t want to see me in certain lights sexually’ also this paragraph makes me want to weep. You are making all this up in your head because you know his behaviour is unacceptable so you have made up this scenario to soothe your mind. A man who sees you as ‘sacred’ (🤮) doesn’t say he wants to fuck you. That’s as crude and demeaning as he can be. Also if you are so ‘sacred’ to him why hasn’t he married you?? Take the blinkers off, he is not a good man. A healthy relationship involves willing sex, not fucked up ideas about purity and innocence. He is spinning you just enough shit to keep you cleaning, shagging him when he wants to do it and sitting beside him whilst he plays games.

He is toying with you to keep control.

This relationship is terrible and will never make you happy

He's a control freak who is using you as a toy and it's his way or no way. Dig your heels in and stand firm. From now on sex only when you both want it. If things don't improve I think you need to consider your future.

I'm sorry but OP are you being deliberately dim? He's treating you like shit yet you're still obsessing about being horny and when to have sex, how can you even contemplate having sex with him??
What's the point of this thread 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yep.
The update at 02.15 is ridiculous. Either OP thinks it’s normal to be treated like shit by a partner and the only problem in this otherwise OK relationship is sex, or the whole thread is a wind up. I’m out.

This is awful. Why on Earth won’t he allow you to be the one to initiate. Sex shouldn’t be like this. How is the rest of your relationship?

So he then looks and decides to go on my tiktok search bar and type in a word (that I’ve never heard before) and it brings up all of these girls in bikinis just shaking their bums. He then clicks onto one video of 3 girls in bikini dancing/shaking their bums

Get into his head, @dunhan . Why did he do this? What would motivate a man to do this?

Doesn't look like op is coming back.
Hopefully she's busy packing his bags and chucking him out on his arse. Doubt it but...we live in hope.

So, if he's always been the initiator, has his opening gambit always been to say that he wants to f**k you? Thatvwould of been an instant turn off from the start.
Overall, the way he goes about it says a lot about how he views women. You've got a fully fledged misogynist there. You've taken your time to realise this, but it's never too late to dump the load.
He'd require a personality transplant to make him change - unlikely.

I would make a good bet OP that the less you want sex the more he wants it because he gets a kick out of the push/pull, denying you and controlling you.

Denying you simple affection like a quick peck on the lips was a flag for this, the sex element is an extension of this behaviour. It basically boils down to and in simple terms that the more you want something the less he wants to give it to you. That’s why sex or even just a kiss on the lips are all on his terms. He enjoys denying you, it’s a power kick, an ego boost, and a form of control.

Your boyfriend is a narcissistic, misogynistic, controlling arsehole and it's tragic that you don't realise this. You are in an abusive relationship, and you should be running for your life. He's fucking twisted and horrible. Nothing about your relationship is healthy or normal.