Is it ever ok for a parent to go NC with an adult child?

[Notadreamboat]

I'm writing this post on behalf of my Auntie as we're very close since my mum (her sister) passed away some years ago.

Her son (my cousin) has been NC with her for around 2 years. This was actually a relief for my Auntie in some ways when he finally announced NC as he is a bully. She showed me the messages he was sending her prior to the NC and they were awful. If she didn't do as he said when he said it, he would be abusive towards her- lots of swearing, name calling and accusations. If she was 10 minutes late he would refuse to answer the door to her. Lots of controlling behaviour and unreasonable demands. My Auntie has always struggled with time keeping and this is not personal when she's running late for absolutely everything! However, it can be frustrating.

She was really struggling with the abuse at the time but felt she had to put up with it as his mother. However, she was clearly nervous around him and would agree to his demands and then cancel their meetings at short notice due to overwhelming anxiety at being around him. This perpetutated the situation even more. She would often become physically ill before the visits with IBS or a virus. She said that the abuse reminded her of her ex husband (his father) and it made her mentally and physically ill. She continued to maintain contact for the sake of seeing her grandchildren and tolerated the abuse.

When he cut her out, she went through a grieving process for the grandchildren, she still sends gifts and cards, but hasn't seen them in 2 years. She told me there was an element of relief since she knew the abusive messages and unreasonable demands would stop but a lot of hurt and sadness too.

My cousin has since now contacted her to initiate contact again. He is using phrases like "last chance" and telling her exactly what he expects of her and when. She is in turmoil. She's desperate to see her grandchildren but clearly incredibly anxious about seeing her son. She's at his control and whim yet again and it is quite obviously impacting her mental health considerably.

He has never forgiven her for eventually leaving his father for another man and I believe that this is where all of the anger and hatred stems from. My cousin hates me also, I think because I am close to my Auntie. When he last went NC with her he sent me a horrible message to tell me what he thought of me "fat lazy bitch" was one of the phrases he used along with him saying that he was glad my husband had left me. It came completely out of the blue as he knew I was basically supporting his Mum.

I am not the correct person to be advising my Aunt on what to do now, as I obviously have my own opinions about my cousin, so I wanted to reach out here. My thoughts however are that she does not see him to protect herself from his behaviour but I can not say that.

I've suggested she gets some help from a counsellor prior to making any drastic decisions, but I'm wondering what people may advise here? Is it ever ok for a parent to go NC with their child? I'm not sure if she would be able to live with the guilt, but seeing her like this is no good either.

She has another child who emigrated to New Zealand some years ago- she seems to have a good relationship with him and his family and sees them every coupleof years. He doesn't get involved with the relationship my Aunt has with his brother.

I would sau yes, it is! He is abusive to her, of course she can refuse to talk to him. However I do think if he ever wants to have a normal relationship with her, them she should accept it. But not abusive, no!
How do the 2 siblings get along, are they in touch?
We have a similar situation in our family, my MIL is not speaking to my BIL, same he was very abusive etc. But then my husband has fallen out with him too and all his friends and family. I do believe mu MIL would accept him back and forget about everything if he apologised for what he said. Luckily she can still see the grandkids through his ex...

There are situations where it is appropriate to cut contact with your adult child, yes. In this situation, there are several victims and no winners. The son might have grown up seeing abuse, being manipulated by his dad, feeling trapped and scared for his mum, he might have a lot of trauma. The mum is more bothered about the grandchildren than him. Two sides to every story, the son is also a victim in other ways. I would be wary of vilifying one side and understand that there is natural bias when we tell our stories it is our version and perception of what happened and the other side will have their own version, too. They all need therapy!

If he had come back apologetically or even looking to find neutral ground I would consider rebuilding relationship. But his response suggests she would be subjected to more abuse. I would simply say no due to abuse and aggression

Unfortunately yes. I always thought blood was important, but I have a cousin who is a narcissist and we are all NC with him. We are actually scared of what he'll do next, he's very abusive and it's extremely stressful when he's around so most of us can't take it anymore, including his elderly parents. There comes a point where enough is enough, as sad as it is for everyone concerned

He definitely witnessed abuse growing up by his Dad towards his mum. I think he abused him verbally too. My Aunt always wishes she'd left earlier but stayed due to finances.

I think there comes a point where an adult is responsible for abusive behaviour @Whatalovelypair regardless of what they've been through. I don't think anyone deserves a life of tolerating abusive because of past mistakes made or whatever. If he despises her so much surely it would be better if he went NC and left it at that?

In this case, staying no contact seems for the best, as the son is abusive towards his mother.

It doesn't sound like he has reflected and wants to change their relationship, but that he thinks he has punished her enough to make her pliable. If he was acknowledging wrongdoing on his part and assuring change, it might be different.

But it's a tough one, and only she can decide on it.

He causes your aunt so much mental torment I think I'd suggest she go NC. It's a shame about the grandchildren but they will be adults soon and can make their own minds up about seeing their grandmother .
I'd also question why he is now back in touch tbh after being so vile . If he was abused it's awful but shouldn't be a lifelong get out of jail card for his own abusive behaviour .

Where there is a 'will' there is a way! I would wonder what his motives are for re-establishing contact. He clearly doesn't like his mother. Is he looking to the future and trying to control his financial prospects?

She doesn't have a lot of money @WomensLandArmy so I'm not sure if it's due to financial reasons. I'd say it's possibly because he has no family around him and the children with his brother being in NZ. He also recently got divorced I heard so he's possibly feeling lonely.

My number one concern here would be for the wellbeing of the grandchildren.
Their father sounds controlling and abusive. I would put this my highest concern, I would contact their schools anonymously and say that you are worried.
I think your aunt needs counselling, perhaps also the freedom programme would help her recognise his behaviour as abusive.

Has your aunt asked for your or MN’s advice? I know you mean well and care for her, but none of this is your decision to make. What does your aunt want to do?

I think it is okay for anyone to go NC with anyone who is abusive. But it’s very complicated in families as the son, regardless of whether he’s adult in chronological age, will still have young needs because he clearly hasn’t had his childhood emotional needs met by his parents (otherwise he wouldn’t have all the anger rattling around him still - it obviously hasn’t been seen/heard by his family properly and perhaps they aren’t themselves emotionally adult enough to listen to it). And your aunt may have maternal instincts towards her son to meet those needs (even though she clearly can’t - when she’s that anxious around him she probably can’t withstand hearing about his anger).

There’s a lot of dynamics and needs at play between a parent and child. So on the face of it it might seem obvious to you that he’s abusive therefore she shouldn’t have any qualms about not having contact with him. But it’s not that easy, and for you to give your opinion if it hasn’t been asked for could be unhelpful for your aunt when she’s clearly already tightly bound by anxiety about the actions and opinions of others already. So I would just tread carefully with her.

It’s hard to watch someone you love experiencing emotionally abusive behaviour, but i think the best thing you can do for them long term is to keep listening to them and validating their feelings so that they find their own power to believe their feelings and act on them to make themselves happy. If the son is physically abusive, I think it’s slightly different and you should be more bossily supportive to keep your aunt physically safe.

PS not condoning or excusing the son’s behaviour at all!

Blood is not thicker than water. So much abuse and generational trauma gets perpetuated because we have to “forgive and forget”, “because we are family”, and so the hurt, the pain, the trauma is never ending. And the abusers, in the family, know this, knowing that truly there will be no consequences to their horrific behaviour because they are always being forgiven. Why do people have to accept that behaviour, for the rest of their lives, only because the they are related? It’s so messed up.

Of course it’s very sad, but why should your aunt have to spend the rest of her life in misery stressed, traumatised, anxious because of her abusive son? She definitely needs to cut contact with him. Yes, it’s sad that she won’t see her grandchildren but she needs to save herself from this awful madness.

Had he have contacted her and said "I'm sorry, can we work this out?" Or even "I'm angry with you about X can we discuss it with a view to moving forward?" It would all have been fine. However the tone of thr message is all wrong. He's setting her up to fail as he did so many times before.

If anyone is wondering why I'm so close to My auntie- we are pretty much all the family there is left. She's also my mother's identical twin so she is basically a second mother to me and the closest thing I have to her.

sounds like if he’s recently got divorced might be a way of your aunt contacting x-dil directly to see the gc and this will avoid any contact with the son.

it does depend on what ‘conditions’ he’s put into the message currently to aunt. If she wants to agree to it then that’s fine but if she doesn’t then she should remain NC

It baffles me how we kind of imagine that a child (in this case now adult) who is abusing a parent isn't thought to be as damaging as an abusive partner.
Our nervous systems react exactly the same, and it might cause ptsd over time. It is felt as the very real threat that it is. We don't get inoculated to bear abuse when we become mothers.
Your poor aunt, and poor other women who are abused. She should cut him out for at least another 10 years in my opinion.

He's got divorced, what a surprise.

Can your Aunty contact his ex-wife? She might be very glad to have the kids grandmother on her side.

Alright, you say as an adult you're responsible for your choice of abusive behaviour, but look at it this way, because of his mum the adult she exposed her son as a child to abuse and ruined his childhood. His issues are at least partly from her choice to stay.
The mum was a victim of the dad, but the son was also a victim of both parents.
This is where it gets complicated because the mother's choices as an adult herself when her child had no choice but to stay with them damaged him, she bears some of that guilt. It is possible to be a victim and abuser. You're saying the son should sort his issues out but some issues are extremely hard to get over particularly when you feel the mother hasn't owned up to it which is why I say there are two sides. I'm not saying it's ok for the son to be abusive I'm saying we don't know how he sees him or what she's contributed to.
If she was in the UK with a child she wouldn't be left destitute finances would have been tough but she could have been housed, fed and clothed in the UK.
I'm sure I've read somewhere that witnessing domestic violence when your brain is developing changes your brain. The son possibly has CPTSD from the mother's choice of having a child with an abusive man and staying with a man who abused her, she would have had her own issues as well so couldn't have been there for the child 100% either. The son is not necessarily the monster and mum angel. Very few people are fully evil or good.

That post is pure victim blaming @Whatalovelypair and bang out of order.

There's never an excuse for abuse.

My Dad beat my mum too.
I never blamed her and sent her horrific messages as an adult before she died. I know that she tried her best in the circumstances she was in.

If the son has gotten divorced could your auntie reach our to ex dil and have contact through her?

Reaching out to his ex wife could be an option. Although I don't think his wife had much time for my Auntie either as she only heard negatives from my cousin and barely saw her.

Of course, it's okay for a parent to go NC with an adult child. Just the same as it is for a child to go NC with a parent. Ultimately, you only get one life and you have to protect your health and wellbeing above anything, even if it means causing someone else pain.

Realistically, it sounds like he has likely experienced trauma and he's behaving and reacting in the way that feels comfortable based on his experiences. He likely does feel abandoned and rejected because of his childhood - his dad's behaviour, his mum not keeping him safe because she didn't want to leave, etc. So there is probably a lot of pain there and his lashing out - however, awful and abusive - is his way of dealing with this. It doesn't excuse it at all and it's not acceptable, but I can understand why it happens.

But ultimately, your aunt needs to take care of herself first. I'm NC with my mum (my decision, not hers) and it's sad and painful and I've certainly sent many angry hurt messages over the years and given many 'last chances'. But you can't fix someone who doesn't want to heal and take responsibility for their own actions. It doesn't mean it isn't incredibly hard to see all the big extended families around me and to see other people's parents make a fuss over their grandchildren and come over for Christmas, etc. but my quality of life is so much better and life is so much easier now.

Did your aunty ask you to make this post?

If not are you asking because you hope most people will encourage her to go no contact, which is what you want her to do?

My opinion on this matter is you are massively overstepping. Interesting her other son keeps out of the relationship between his mother and brother. You would be wise to take note.

Is your aunt having treatment for her anxiety? She is flaky and cancels appointments. She exposed her DC to abuse from their father. She was the adult in that situation and didn't defend the children. Now the DS grew up and reacts with abuse to the fact he can't count on his mother.
This is a carcrash for all involved, it would be better that everyone stays NC.

He also recently got divorced I heard so he's possibly feeling lonely.

I would put money on his thought process being more like:
I don't want to pay my ex any child maintenance
This means I need to have these kids 3-4 nights a week
Fuck that! I'm single now, I don't want to be dragging kids around with me!
Hey, my mum was always banging on about wanting to see them
Now is my chance to pay zero maintenance but also do zero childcare
WIN!

He sounds thoroughly shitty. But it's your aunt's decision. I think rather than influence her one way or the other, I'd just support her whichever path she wants to take.