I'm writing this post on behalf of my Auntie as we're very close since my mum (her sister) passed away some years ago.
Her son (my cousin) has been NC with her for around 2 years. This was actually a relief for my Auntie in some ways when he finally announced NC as he is a bully. She showed me the messages he was sending her prior to the NC and they were awful. If she didn't do as he said when he said it, he would be abusive towards her- lots of swearing, name calling and accusations. If she was 10 minutes late he would refuse to answer the door to her. Lots of controlling behaviour and unreasonable demands. My Auntie has always struggled with time keeping and this is not personal when she's running late for absolutely everything! However, it can be frustrating.
She was really struggling with the abuse at the time but felt she had to put up with it as his mother. However, she was clearly nervous around him and would agree to his demands and then cancel their meetings at short notice due to overwhelming anxiety at being around him. This perpetutated the situation even more. She would often become physically ill before the visits with IBS or a virus. She said that the abuse reminded her of her ex husband (his father) and it made her mentally and physically ill. She continued to maintain contact for the sake of seeing her grandchildren and tolerated the abuse.
When he cut her out, she went through a grieving process for the grandchildren, she still sends gifts and cards, but hasn't seen them in 2 years. She told me there was an element of relief since she knew the abusive messages and unreasonable demands would stop but a lot of hurt and sadness too.
My cousin has since now contacted her to initiate contact again. He is using phrases like "last chance" and telling her exactly what he expects of her and when. She is in turmoil. She's desperate to see her grandchildren but clearly incredibly anxious about seeing her son. She's at his control and whim yet again and it is quite obviously impacting her mental health considerably.
He has never forgiven her for eventually leaving his father for another man and I believe that this is where all of the anger and hatred stems from. My cousin hates me also, I think because I am close to my Auntie. When he last went NC with her he sent me a horrible message to tell me what he thought of me "fat lazy bitch" was one of the phrases he used along with him saying that he was glad my husband had left me. It came completely out of the blue as he knew I was basically supporting his Mum.
I am not the correct person to be advising my Aunt on what to do now, as I obviously have my own opinions about my cousin, so I wanted to reach out here. My thoughts however are that she does not see him to protect herself from his behaviour but I can not say that.
I've suggested she gets some help from a counsellor prior to making any drastic decisions, but I'm wondering what people may advise here? Is it ever ok for a parent to go NC with their child? I'm not sure if she would be able to live with the guilt, but seeing her like this is no good either.
She has another child who emigrated to New Zealand some years ago- she seems to have a good relationship with him and his family and sees them every coupleof years. He doesn't get involved with the relationship my Aunt has with his brother.