Feeling suffocated by parents

[itsgoodtobehome]

I am 52 years old. I am married with my own family, nice house, good job. And yet my parents (mostly my Dad) still treat me like I am a helpless child. So many examples, but what has got me to this point today:

I am ill. I have covid, but I'm fine. DH is looking after me just fine. I am just resting and taking it easy. My Dad has literally phoned me 4 times already today. "Are you OK? What can we do? How are you managing? Shall we bring you something?" On the surface, this may seem like loving, caring parents. But it's like this all the time. They seem to think they are the only ones who can possibly look after me (I don't even need looking after) and that I can't cope without them.

I went to London the other day, and they were constantly ringing me, asking how I was getting on, was I OK, as though I had gone to this terribly dangerous place, and was bound to come to some harm.

Maybe I sound ungrateful, but it feels suffocating, and I'm getting anxious and angry now every time the phone rings. And right on cue, it's just rung again.

Any advice?

Stop answering the phone as much.

Sounds like they really really need to be needed.
Do they have a gaping void in their lives?
How would they take it if you discussed this with them, with a view to you bringing the conversation round to what is driving them to act this way and therefore what would help them stop? Constructive rejection so to speak.

Advice? Speak to them and tell them you're a grown up now and much as you appreciate their concern it's a bit too much for you.

There's your part in it too.
You keep answering the phone.
Tell them to stop ringing you
If something dire happened to you, tell them the hospital could ring them.
Their checking behavior is a NOT a safety device of any kind. It does not contribute to keeping you safe.
It's to alleviate their anxiety and their wish to control you.
Have you an illness of any sort that justifies this?
If you have no boundaries that gives them permission to keep getting in at you.

Stop answering the phone to them. Go into your phone settings and change the settings for their number.

They sound really lovely and caring.

I don't answer my door to any and everybody that knocks and I apply the same consideration to my phone as well, it's incredibly liberating to actually control who has access to you and when op.

@Marchforward I have been doing that. But he just keeps ringing until I eventually answer it. And even when I don't answer it, I can still see the missed call, which still irritates me!

Imagine how much worse this will get in years to come and when one is left alone.
PIL are a bit like this. DH only answers when he thinks is reasonable. If they have an emergency they'll leave a message.
Just ignore your phone.

This would make me more determined not to answer.

@TomatoSandwiches I think you underestimate my Dad's tenacity! He doesn't give up easily.

I wish I'd had even one parent OP who cared about me. Ever.
But seriously I'd talk to them about this as they probably don't realise how overbearing you are finding their behaviour - perhaps don't be so available. Hope you manage to sort it out.

Have they always been like this, are you the glue that keeps them having common conversations, can you advise a rescue dog or cat? Or charity work....

I think you need to be blunt and say it's not convenient to talk and you'll ring them at the weekend.

Stop telling them so much! If they don't know you have Covid or that you're going somewhere, they can't worry about it.

But at your age you should be able to explain your feelings and have them respected. (I grew up in a dysfunctional household myself).

If your parents cannot respect your needs, you could try blocking them for a few hours while you do whatever. You could explain that you are doing this as they are not listening to what you want. They do not have the right to have you answer every time they decide to call you.

If a boyfriend or girlfriend did this it would be seen as harassment.

You need to be very direct and clear; tell them you are a competent adult who can look after herself, the way they are treating you feels like they are treating you as a child, when they need to see you as the adult you are. Ask them to stop calling so much, and if they carry on, tell them that you will not answer but will call them once a day/week/whatever.

They may be upset, but it would surely be better to clear the air and reset boundaries, rather than getting more and more irritated until you blow up and ruin the relationship altogether. I had to go through a lot of this with my mother.

And before anyone comes on and does the usual thing of saying "oh, you don't know how lucky you are, they are just showing they care, my parents died, I wish they were still around to call me": my mother has now died and I do not miss the anxious-controlling-infantilising phone calls and increasingly hysterical messages at all.

@exexpat but did you find that your boundary-drawing made any difference? I tend to think parent-child relationships get fixed pretty early on in life and you're stuck with them. I'm staying with my mum at the moment and had to explain that I do know how a radiator valve works (I'm in my 60s now), there is no need for her to go into detail about how I can adjust the temperature in my room. She just nods and then patronises me about something else. It's sort of family culture.

Do you ever phone them? I found that it was easier if I took control with my Dad when he was alive, otherwise he could be a bit obsessive ringing until he got an answer. I'd always say "I'm going to be really busy Dad tomorrow, but I'll ring you when I get chance to have time to talk" and that seemed to soothe him.

Totally get this OP. When I didn't pick up the phone or reply to texts for a day or so once, 'D'M called my boss at work(!) to check that I was alive. Mortifying.

I’d literally block them from x-y time then unblock and respond once a day. Alternatively, be very brave and tell them they’re suffocating you and they have to stop.

Can you not tell them about your plans . Like talk to them after coming back from London instead of telling them before hand. I have had issues with inlaws similar to your . They don't give space and don't do or offer any help just need lot of phonecalls and updates.

Avoid telling minor illnesses and that will help them from not getting too worked up with worry and anxiety.

Lastly I know it can be overbearing but it's nice to know that they care so much.

@Alcemeg It did reduce the phone calls. At one stage she was calling me at bedtime every night just to make sure I was home and safe. This was when I was in my 40s. I put an end to that, and also to the expectation that I would call her every time I went anywhere to say I had arrived safely, no matter what the time zone difference or how late at night (she never got the hang of mobiles or text messaging so it had to be a phone call to the landline, even if it woke her up - it got ridiculous and I just refused to do it any more).

I tried to avoid giving her information she would use to get anxious about, but due to her and my father's care needs in their last few years, I did have to let them know when I was going to be away so that other people could take over as the emergency contact.

I don't understand why you tell them you're I'll or going to London! Just present it as a done deal afterwards. Putting my parents on a strict information diet has worked wonders for me, no more mither.

Be grateful you still have both your parents at 52.

I’m quite envious of your loving parents. However they do sound a bit much. I wouldn’t tell them anything that will make them worry. If you are ill, away somewhere etc, don’t tell them. Let them believe you’re at home drinking hot chocolate and watching old films.