Feeling suffocated by parents

[itsgoodtobehome]

I am 52 years old. I am married with my own family, nice house, good job. And yet my parents (mostly my Dad) still treat me like I am a helpless child. So many examples, but what has got me to this point today:

I am ill. I have covid, but I'm fine. DH is looking after me just fine. I am just resting and taking it easy. My Dad has literally phoned me 4 times already today. "Are you OK? What can we do? How are you managing? Shall we bring you something?" On the surface, this may seem like loving, caring parents. But it's like this all the time. They seem to think they are the only ones who can possibly look after me (I don't even need looking after) and that I can't cope without them.

I went to London the other day, and they were constantly ringing me, asking how I was getting on, was I OK, as though I had gone to this terribly dangerous place, and was bound to come to some harm.

Maybe I sound ungrateful, but it feels suffocating, and I'm getting anxious and angry now every time the phone rings. And right on cue, it's just rung again.

Any advice?

Have a read up about parental enmeshment. It might help.

I’d be annoyed too - you shouldn’t reward these repeated calls - let your dad know you aren’t free to talk all the time.

She didn't say that she isn't

I didn't have both my parents at 52 but that doesn't stop the OP's being irritating.

Indeed. At 52, the OP may not have her parents around for very much longer. Wouldn't it be better if she could do something to reset and improve the relationship so she enjoys contact with them for the time they have left together, rather than feeling suffocated and irritated and wanting to push them away?

Just stop telling them so much! Why did you tell them they have Covid? Why did you tell them you were going to London?
Their behaviour is very odd, but you don't have to accept it. Just mute your phone and when you do speak to them keep the conversation to trivia like the weather.

Sorry, "you have Covid"!

That's the whole point of the thread. At 52, the OP may well have her parents around for another 30 years.

Anyway, it isn't the OP's responsibility to bend over backwards and accept their behaviour, no matter how irritating it is, just because they might die at some point in the future. Some of the responsibility lies with them. They too need to adapt their behaviour so they aren't so bloody annoying.

The OP is 52, not her parents (first line of OP: "I am 52 years old."). I presume the parents are in their 70s or 80s, so not very likely to be around for another 30 years, but you never know.

My mum used to do that. She would send a dramatic message if I didn’t answer. We talked about it and she says she worried about me. I am in my 40s, successful career and fairly sensible. Never really discussed my love life so she thought I was single. She died recently and I feel guilty about missing her calls.

asked my dad why she did it after she died. He said she worried as I was single that I had no one to look out for me. She increased calls when I introduced her to DP. She thought I would lose my independence as he was so confident. He is not controlling, we compromise. He also said her parents never called her or cared so she wanted to break the trend and be caring.

I couldn’t win. I think she thought I couldn’t live my life. But what she didn’t remember was she taught me to be independent and care.

They sound anxious to me rather than overly loving and caring. I would stop telling them too much about what you are at. Like, don't tell them you have covid unless you really need to. Don't tell them you are going to London. Tell them boring and non threatening stuff going on in your life and edit out anything that might trigger their anxiety.

Hi. I really feel for you are you an only one by any chance ? I’ve had this all my life, it’s the most awful feeling. I’m 65 mum 91 and I really wish id sorted it sooner, it’s too late now as mum is very frail and I have to keep checking her. It sounds like their anxious about you, but that really is their problem not yours. I think it’s so selfish ringing all the time just to ease their anxiety whilst making you miserable in the process.
When you feel better have a chat and be firm, not easy I know. I’ve done it a few times when I’ve been at the end of my tether, it seemed to work for a while then reverted back. Other than that just ignore the calls if you can, but my mum would have become more anxious and then the guilt sets in.
Good luck hope you feel better soon .