Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Positive test - tell partner?

28 replies

Cicchetti · 22/03/2023 14:36

He doesn't have children. I have one. I don't really want another child but am not sure I can handle an abortion.

I just got a positive test. My period is only a day or two late.

Not sure if I should tell him. I'm so confused.

OP posts:
FishChipsMushyPeas · 22/03/2023 15:00

I think you need to try to work out what you want to do first.

I suppose the question is, why would you not want to tell him? Does he not have children because he doesn't want any?

Tealsofa · 22/03/2023 15:02

yup - what do you want? do you want another child? I dont think you do

but work it out yourself before you say anything

Original poster
Cicchetti · 22/03/2023 15:19

He would absolutely love to have children.

I have realised that he knows my period is due and we live together, so I don't even know how I can not tell him.

This is so upsetting and surprising.

OP posts:
steppemum · 22/03/2023 15:25

Cicchetti · 22/03/2023 15:19

He would absolutely love to have children.

I have realised that he knows my period is due and we live together, so I don't even know how I can not tell him.

This is so upsetting and surprising.

Oh that is really tough.
Can you talk to anyone in real life to think it through out loud?

Naunet · 22/03/2023 15:38

If you want an abortion, I wouldn’t tell him, he’s only likely to make it harder for you.

Is he really going to notice exactly when your period is due and if you’re on or not? I’ve lived with mine for 12 years and he wouldn’t have a clue!

StopGrowingPlease · 22/03/2023 15:39

I think it would be wrong not to tell him as it is his child as well as yours. Even if you decide you don’t want to have another child that doesn’t mean he should have his choice taken away. If he wants a child and you really don’t then he may want to raise him/her on his own.

Naunet · 22/03/2023 15:40

Also, I’ve probably been on MN too long but you mentioned he would love a baby, knows when you’re due on, and that this pregnancy is a huge surprise for you. Is there any chance at all he could have sabotaged your contraception? It’s not as rare as you might think, as a quick google will tell you.
I hope I’m way off!

Naunet · 22/03/2023 15:42

StopGrowingPlease · 22/03/2023 15:39

I think it would be wrong not to tell him as it is his child as well as yours. Even if you decide you don’t want to have another child that doesn’t mean he should have his choice taken away. If he wants a child and you really don’t then he may want to raise him/her on his own.

Well seeing as he can’t have the foetus transplanted into his body, that won’t be possible for him, will it? Women aren’t fucking vessels.

lunar1 · 22/03/2023 15:46

StopGrowingPlease · 22/03/2023 15:39

I think it would be wrong not to tell him as it is his child as well as yours. Even if you decide you don’t want to have another child that doesn’t mean he should have his choice taken away. If he wants a child and you really don’t then he may want to raise him/her on his own.

A man has zero choice beyond having sex. That's the only thing they are in control of. The op isn't an incubator for the needs and wants of a man.

StopGrowingPlease · 22/03/2023 15:50

lunar1 · 22/03/2023 15:46

A man has zero choice beyond having sex. That's the only thing they are in control of. The op isn't an incubator for the needs and wants of a man.

Show quote history

Men are people too. Both parents should have a say.

StopGrowingPlease · 22/03/2023 15:51

Naunet · 22/03/2023 15:42

Well seeing as he can’t have the foetus transplanted into his body, that won’t be possible for him, will it? Women aren’t fucking vessels.

Show quote history

A baby can’t be made without a man’s sperm though. It should be up to him to decide whether he wants to be a parent.

Naunet · 22/03/2023 15:52

StopGrowingPlease · 22/03/2023 15:50

Men are people too. Both parents should have a say.

Show quote history

Do men take any risk with giving birth or growing a child for 9 months? No? Well then men don’t get to dictate that women do this on their demand. Sorry MRA, women are people, not male property.

lunar1 · 22/03/2023 15:52

No they shouldn't, no woman should be forced or compelled to carry a pregnancy, ever.

Naunet · 22/03/2023 15:54

StopGrowingPlease · 22/03/2023 15:51

A baby can’t be made without a man’s sperm though. It should be up to him to decide whether he wants to be a parent.

Show quote history

Fine, so women can have the foetus removed and hand it over to the man then. Fair? Or are you expecting him to be able to use her body for 9 months risking her health and then forcing her to give birth, all to produce something for him?

HappinesDependsOnYou · 22/03/2023 15:54

At some point you will need to tell him as even if you decide not to keep it that isn't something that should really be kept secret. I do however think you should maybe have a bit of time to digest what's happened. If you tell him make it clear you are undecided and you would prefer to not have a big happy reaction as right now you are conflicted and need support in processing this

lunar1 · 22/03/2023 15:58

An abortion is medical care, the op would have every right to keep it private if she wishes.

Grumpi · 22/03/2023 15:59

i wouldn’t tell him immediately no, you’re not sure how you feel and you are implying that he’d be so happy that he may try to sway your thoughts / feelings.

in that case I’d just take a couple of days to think it over. You don’t need to know exactly how you feel before you tell him but it would be wise to at least process the information first. You’re not obliged to tell him immediately, it’s your body.

Grumpi · 22/03/2023 16:00

I should add I don’t think you’re obliged to tell him full stop.

either way I think you’d do well to sit on it and process for a few days then decide next steps, whether that’s telling him, not telling him

Original poster
Cicchetti · 22/03/2023 16:13

There's no way I would have a baby because a man thinks it's his right for me to carry his child.

Hopefully he wouldn't sabotage to make me pregnant. He's said when discussing this topic before that he knows what would happen (abortion) and he didn't really want to think/talk about it.

He definitely knows exactly when my period is because I just told him a couple of days ago that it's due. We have an extremely active sex life, so I would have to suddenly go off sex to hide the pregnancy.

I'm quite bad at keeping secrets. Honestly, I will probably tell him tonight. I don't want to have this hanging over me whatever I decide.

OP posts:
nowaworriedmum · 22/03/2023 16:15

If you're not too sure and need a bit of head space I'd sit on it for a few days/weeks. See how you're feeling then.

Naunet · 22/03/2023 16:16

Cicchetti · 22/03/2023 16:13

There's no way I would have a baby because a man thinks it's his right for me to carry his child.

Hopefully he wouldn't sabotage to make me pregnant. He's said when discussing this topic before that he knows what would happen (abortion) and he didn't really want to think/talk about it.

He definitely knows exactly when my period is because I just told him a couple of days ago that it's due. We have an extremely active sex life, so I would have to suddenly go off sex to hide the pregnancy.

I'm quite bad at keeping secrets. Honestly, I will probably tell him tonight. I don't want to have this hanging over me whatever I decide.

I think if you believe he can put aside what he wants and be supportive, then that’s fine to talk to him about it, but if not you should at least give some thought to what you want first, otherwise you may be persuaded by him. Look into your options, you’re early enough that you wouldn’t need a surgical abortion - I don’t know if that makes a difference for you?

Original poster
Cicchetti · 22/03/2023 16:59

Yes, I would want to abort asap to make it as easy a process as possible.

I will tell him about it tonight. He is a lovely and empathetic person and I am interested in knowing his reaction actually.

OP posts:
nowaworriedmum · 22/03/2023 17:50

Cicchetti · 22/03/2023 16:59

Yes, I would want to abort asap to make it as easy a process as possible.

I will tell him about it tonight. He is a lovely and empathetic person and I am interested in knowing his reaction actually.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

SheilaFentiman · 22/03/2023 18:02

StopGrowingPlease · 22/03/2023 15:39

I think it would be wrong not to tell him as it is his child as well as yours. Even if you decide you don’t want to have another child that doesn’t mean he should have his choice taken away. If he wants a child and you really don’t then he may want to raise him/her on his own.

Yeah, that’s not how this works

Original poster
Cicchetti · 22/03/2023 19:43

He immediately hugged me and asked what I want to do, then said he will fully support me in whatever choice I make

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread