Alcoholic mother – feel lonely and don't trust other people

[liyette]

I know there's a board for alcohol issues, but most of the folks on there seem to be trying to tackle their own issues, and maybe it's not helpful for them to see this sort of thread, from a person affected by another's drinking.

I'm in my thirties. Mum has been an alcoholic since I was six-ish. And all the selfishness and meanness and self-pity and chaos that goes with that. Rehab, going awol, drink driving, suicide attempts. Told me it was my fault etc. I don't want to rehash it all right now. But if you know, you know. It's still going on, albeit less chaotically now. No apology, never any recognition of the hurt.

I was a sad teenager who somehow held it together, went to uni, did ok. I am still doing ok and appear normal. Healthy, fit, job, relationship etc.

I have six aunts and (had) two grandmothers. All objectively nice, stable people. None of them ever asked if I was ok. No one reached out to me, when I was that lonely teenager. They all knew what was going on, though.

I never really told anyone what home was like. The few times I tried, I was ignored. After mum attempted an overdose, I confided in someone I thought was my friend. She acted like I hadn't mentioned it, and started talking about her exam worries.

I try not to think about all of this, and I can usually shove it to the back of my mind and get on with life, and even be quite jolly most of the time.

But sometimes it fights back, and I feel extremely hurt and unwanted, by everyone. Having one of those days today.

I don't trust other people, especially women. I am a loner. I would like to feel understood.

Does anyone understand?

Have you tried Al-Anon?

I understand op. Not alcohol, but similar ongoing issues with my DM that started in childhood.

Are you having counselling?

OP that sounds really tough. I was married to an alcoholic and so understand a little.

Its so hard when its your DM though. I am sorry she has placed so much worry and grieve on you. You dont deserve that. The person that drinks their life away is so hard to understand, specially when its the parent. My husband would threaten suicide, take the family car drunk, then call me telling me what he was going to do. I was always frantic with worry on the phone to the police asking them to locate him before he did harm to anyone on his path. I would find him passed out around the house, and he would be so volatile.

My ex H family never tried to help. It was like I was the one creating the issue by bringing it up, and then eventually leaving. I am not a fixer for someone intent on destroying themselves and then being in total denial about it. It is not your job either to fix things.

I sought help in the end and then divorced him. But that is not something you can do with your DM. So its tricky as well because you love her but hate what she is doing to herself, you and the isolation it creates for you.

There is help out there for you though, even if your mum is not ready, or may never be. But you can get help. I think they are called Al Anon, and they are great. There should be a group near you.

Your mum is not going to change, or say sorry, or feel anything for that matter. A n addiction is such a selfish thing, but its addiction and causes so much harm and sorrow. Those who have not been in it will not really gather how much harm it really does.

Absolutely, I recognise a lot of your comments from my own experience of an alcoholic mother; especially the loner and not wanting other people. Everyone knew she drank too much, but we had no relatives nearby to hear the drunken rants and the abuse and the impossibility of having a rational calm conversatiob even when she was sober (except GM - I'm not calling her DM because she wasn't) - and she was a partner in crime for my mother. One DB is permanently embittered by the life we led at home, the other idealises everything despite DM nearly breaking his marriage when she moved in with them.

There was good stuff. It's just that I struggle to recall it because the other stuff cancels it out.

I was this child too op
Then I also married one
I cut contact a few years before she died
I don't regret it

What it boils down to is that in many ways you didn't have a mother, and that has a profound effect. You didn't have that figure you could root your trust in, who would love you unconditionally and who would be your constant. It's completely logical that you feel the way you do. Do you have the option of accessing counselling, or is there a support group nearby? In any case if I were you, I would absolutely look up NACOA online - they are a support charity specifically for the adult children of alcoholics, and I think you will find kindred spirits there.

My foster son has similar issues around his mother, though her issue was mental health rather than addiction - but he too never had a proper mother, there was abuse and much neglect, he never had a childhood. He's now almost 21 and he didn't come to us until he was 17, but he's working through things and there's light at the end of the tunnel. You'll get there too.

I understand and in my thirties could have written your message.

A raft of issues related to my chaotic childhood eventually forced me to seek out counselling and I never looked back.

Yes, I still have trust issues, but have learned how to feel my way slowly into friendships and I now have a group of close supportive friends. I also learned that the reason people often appeared to ignore the situation I was experiencing as a child was because they had no idea how to deal with it.

I urge you to reach out for some counselling support, ideally with someone experienced in dealing with the children of alcoholic parents. The right counsellor will change your future.

I can absolutely understand every word of your post. It’s the abandonment of everyone that knew, or made excuses, never looked after a young person who was clearly struggling.

my mother is in AA but is still a very difficult person, even without the alcohol she would have been emotionally abusive and often still is. She is just so entitled.

like you I seem strong on the outside, how does agatha cope, she’s done so well for herself, all tinged with a hint of “but she needs to look after her mother” as no matter what I do my mum will slate me.

I struggle to trust. I struggle to feel worthy or lovable. People say nice things to me and i think they are either lying or just don’t know me well enough yet. I feel resentful a lot and older than my years. Carrying so much for so long is very difficult and knowing that it wasn’t your choice to carry is also hard. I fear everything. Feel lonely a lot.

I don’t know the answer, but I do know that feeling broken inside by a parent who still won’t acknowledge that they caused it, and seeking redemption from that person is not the way to heal. I am NC at times with my mum and feel entirely better about myself during those times.

love to you x

I had a very similar experience. Felt as though I was on my own and couldn't rely on anyone, in spite of having a great partner and friends. Ended up having counselling. It felt worse before it felt better.

Extremely grateful to you all for making me feel less alone. Writing this post is probably the furthest I have ever gone in expressing it all, although I am lucky to have a kind husband.

I should say, I know objectively that it's silly to say I don't trust women. I don't want to be bitter. The fact that there are women right here telling me you get it, means a lot.

@qqq82 I have also cut contact in the past, and I did better then. I made more friends in that time, felt happier. She has been ill recently and I have got drawn back into the silly little belief that she might change. I've spent a lot of energy on her recently, been helping a lot, paying attention etc, maybe this is the reason for this sudden crash.

@HowRatherGolly thank you for mentioning the selfishness. I sometimes feel like I'm not allowed to think that. Hoping for some kind of magical change or apology is not helping me. No, she doesn't seem to have feelings, or empathy for anyone else. I must understand that this won't change, and accept it.

Re counselling: I am honestly fearful of having a therapist/counsellor who doesn't get it. Who thinks I should only be 100% supportive of my mother's struggles and thinks I am awful for calling her selfish etc. I sort of expect that everything will be about her, as it always has been! I will look at Nacoa etc to see if it's possible to find ones who get it.

I think it is an extremely child-of-an-alcoholic thing to believe that you must do everything alone and tackle everything yourself, and you don't need counselling. That's how I feel about a lot of things. It made me self-sufficient – but isolated.

Thank you all, again.

I think it is an extremely child-of-an-alcoholic thing to believe that you must do everything alone and tackle everything yourself, and you don't need counselling.

This nails it exactly. My late husband was an alcoholic. This is the impact on my DC, and they are still working through it. FWIW it is also the impact on a partner/spouse, and I am still working through it.

Your insight will help to guide you. And yes, any counselling you seek out should absolutely be with someone who has specialist experience.

You poor thing OP. I'm so sorry you've been through this. When someone is alcohol dependent/abusing it has ripples and shockwaves throughout the entire family. Even though it wasn't the responsibility of those other stable adults in your life to check in on you, it's perfectly okay to feel disappointed and angry that they didn't! It sounds like nobody was there for you.

I lost my mother to alcoholism in my early twenties. It's so hard.

I've never really thought about the lack of care or interest from the other adults at the time but you're right
Ppl knew what we going on
Her own brother and his wife cut her off years ago but they never did anything for me as child knowing what I was living with
My father buggered off with another woman and left me with her
My grandmother still talks as if she was a saint after actively trying to hide the fact she had a problem

And now I'm one very messed up adult

I think it is an extremely child-of-an-alcoholic thing to believe that you must do everything alone and tackle everything yourself, and you don't need counselling. That's how I feel about a lot of things. It made me self-sufficient – but isolated

Also this, because the one person you ought to be able to turn to isn't there reliably. My mother emigrated when I was in my thirties, and someone asked me if I'd miss her. Of course I said I would, but my immediate thought was 'How do you miss someone who's never been there?' which is slightly unfair, because there were times when she was there. Just not the times I really needed her. I don't ask people for help because deep down there's that feeling that I'm imposing, they have better things to do with their time, and they'll begrudge helping me. It's entrenched now.

Try alanon if there is a meeting near you, or there is ACA (adult child of an alcoholic) they have zoom meetings online, both are full of people who you will identify with, I love my alanon meetings.big hugs to you x

I'm coming round to the idea of counselling/joining a meeting, thanks to all who have suggested. First, because I would like good female friendships as I get older, and maybe this would help me feel more able to make them. And second, because I'd be literally breaking the silence – it would be a sort of message to myself that I AM allowed to speak about this and DO deserve to be listened to.

Today I am bloody fed up of being quiet and discreet and ashamed.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain what you say about not asking for help, imposing on people... ugh, I feel that so strongly. But I like to help others, I feel everyone deserves help and therefore I should be able to ask.

With an alcoholic in the family I think all the worry, shame, anger , disappointment is directed at the alky and this dominates other relatives’ feelings. The children in their eyes aren’t really affected and are getting on with their lives. Which is very far from the truth but don’t think you can change this.

The children in their eyes aren’t really affected and are getting on with their lives. Which is very far from the truth but don’t think you can change this

I'm 68 and I'm only just beginning to articulate to myself the damage caused by that and other things, and only now because I have time to sit and think it. Before I was always too busy at work and I wonder if that was in some ways a defence. I write a daily diary and I note the thoughts that come up as I'm writing.

I think my mother, as a child of war and a narcissistic mother of her own, was a very damaged person. Mostly I try to feel pity and sympathy and remember that in a very small way, just before she died we had back the mother she might have been.

@liyette there is also a big altruistic aspect to breaking the silence. If one person hears you and they are in the same situation, and your words make them seek support, you've created a ripple. It's why I now co-facilitate my own support group and why I am the one who supports the people who are living with an alcoholic. My experiences won't have been for nothing that way.

@pointythings I really like this idea, thank you. I think we grow up 'helpful' because we are always the support act, always the one smoothing things over and keeping up the pretence that all is ok.

We won't change in that respect. But what you are doing is taking that, and redirecting it at something positive.

I really, really like what you are doing, and I am going to remember it and see what I can do with the idea in future.

Think we had same childhood op. I was blamed for her suicide attempts as well. The rages and abuse was full on. I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy as an adult and look on most interactions/relationships with distrust. The whole mess was brushed under the carpet as a child, everything had to be a secret. I decided in the end to visit a counsellor and this has helped an awful lot. You should try NACOA or counselling as you really need to speak about your feelings with someone so you can move on as an adult and start to value and love yourself. Thinking of you❤️

@Asbopheasant I am so sorry you went through that. I didn't have to face full-on rages and can only imagine how horrible that was for you. Glad counselling has really helped you. I feel genuinely lighter and more understood just by reading these responses, and I am already looking at local groups and potential counsellors.

Happy to hear you are looking at counselling options liyette. I really hope it helps you. I am so happy to hear that you are feeling lighter about it after all the helpful responses you have. Wishing you all the best.

@liyette I am so glad that this thread has been helpful to you. I hope you find support that is right for you and that you will be able to pay it forward as I have done. There's nothing better than seeing the realisation in others so that they can start their journey to better times and knowing that you helped them take those first steps.

Just one last thing: remember to put your self care first. It's the most powerful thing I learned from my group and the most powerful thing we pass on.