Alcoholic mother – feel lonely and don't trust other people

[liyette]

I know there's a board for alcohol issues, but most of the folks on there seem to be trying to tackle their own issues, and maybe it's not helpful for them to see this sort of thread, from a person affected by another's drinking.

I'm in my thirties. Mum has been an alcoholic since I was six-ish. And all the selfishness and meanness and self-pity and chaos that goes with that. Rehab, going awol, drink driving, suicide attempts. Told me it was my fault etc. I don't want to rehash it all right now. But if you know, you know. It's still going on, albeit less chaotically now. No apology, never any recognition of the hurt.

I was a sad teenager who somehow held it together, went to uni, did ok. I am still doing ok and appear normal. Healthy, fit, job, relationship etc.

I have six aunts and (had) two grandmothers. All objectively nice, stable people. None of them ever asked if I was ok. No one reached out to me, when I was that lonely teenager. They all knew what was going on, though.

I never really told anyone what home was like. The few times I tried, I was ignored. After mum attempted an overdose, I confided in someone I thought was my friend. She acted like I hadn't mentioned it, and started talking about her exam worries.

I try not to think about all of this, and I can usually shove it to the back of my mind and get on with life, and even be quite jolly most of the time.

But sometimes it fights back, and I feel extremely hurt and unwanted, by everyone. Having one of those days today.

I don't trust other people, especially women. I am a loner. I would like to feel understood.

Does anyone understand?

My DM is a recovering alcoholic, she has been dry for 5 years now but still attends AA meetings. When she was drinking at her worse I had phonecalls from her neighbours saying they had found her lying in the gutter passed out with drink. Not the sort of phonecall you want. I beat myself up a lot that it is somehow my fault, if I lived nearby etc etc.

@pointythings would love some self care tips. As well as my own guilt, DM likes to make me feel guilty as i live a whole 20 miles away from her.

@Mumtothreeandadog the guilt is the worst of it, and that's what you need support for. Contact the NACOA helpline to speak to an actual person, that should start you off well.

Aside from that, the key things to remember are:

1. It's vital to have boundaries. You decide what those are. So for example, one of them could be that if you visit and she is noticeably drunk, you leave. If you visit and she starts drinking, you leave. If she comes to your house drunk, you refuse her entry. You will see her, but only if she is sober. By doing that, you're giving her consequences. It's hard, but it means you won't be tiptoeing around drunk her.

2. Putting yourself first is not selfish. Saying no to her because you can't say yes is OK. Reducing contact is OK. If you want to support her, you can - but don't enable. Do things which are only for you and your family and which do not include her.

3. Only have her in your life if you want to and if she brings positive things. If she doesn't, you are not obliged to have contact with her. If she ends up needing care, make sure the authorities know that you are NOT available to do that.

My mother was also alcohol dependent, but only for the last 5 years of her life so I don't have the childhood trauma to deal with, just the experience of coping.

My mother has issues with alcohol too op. Nothing like what you're described but enough to make me feel uneasy and un prioritised. Our relationship has suffered for it and as I look back over my childhood I can recall her using alcohol to cope with her problems for pretty much my whole life.

It's very hard to accept but it isn't your fault and you can't control or stop it. It's sad none of your relatives reached out to you. Did they know how bad it was? As I've got older I have tried putting boundaries in place so I won't stay around her when she's drunk or have my dc around it. She goes through periods when it's bad and then periods where she's more normal almost makes it worse as you don't know what you're going to get. But yeah, it's a terrible thing. You're not alone.

We had a presentation in work recently by someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent. You may be aware of this charity already but it sounds like they do amazing work with people affected by this:

https://nacoa.org.uk/

My mum was not an alcoholic but my childhood was an absolute misery due to her (complex diagnosed) personality disorder.

Not for the same reason but I can relate to not having had my needs met, and that realization that none of the other adults reached out to me, either. Same for others just dismissing/not understanding.

It is incredibly lonely.

But I am here with you!