DH ended our marriage tonight

[Fluffyd0g]

20years together, 15 years married, 2DC aged 12 and 10.

Things have been rocky for a while. Both have depression and anxiety which has affected things.

I honestly thought we could work it out. Have honest conversations, own up to mistakes and hurt caused. He said he just doesn’t see a way to do that and he can’t keep hurting.

My world just crashed and the person I would hold on to until things got better has turned their back on me. It hurts so much, my kids are going to be in so much pain. I don’t know how to tell them. It was meant to be forever, I still love him.

Probably another woman on the scene. My ex did this and he lied about there being anyone else - there was.

I am so sorry for what you have been through @zoomie1 and @Wantmywifeback this is such pain I really, have no idea how to get through today. I just can’t stop crying.

I am sorry OP that is so tough. It sounds like you two have been trying very hard to keep it together.

The kids will be fine. Honestly, a harmonious home is better than a volatile one, and kids are way more glued up with things than us grownups, they know that you two are unhappy. Yes they will grieve, that is just the process and as long as you the parents keep things going in a nice way, then they will be fine. Divorce is hard on everyone.

What you do now is allow yourself to grieve, talk to a friend and do not chase DH for a different outcome. Do not chase for his love or affection, it will just hurt you and make things hard on you both.

Uncalled-for. Nice bit of victim-blaming there. Where does the OP say she's going to make sure her kids suffer? She's distraught at having to break the news to them, and you come out with this? Nasty.

Stop projecting how you plan on handling your separation on my words please okay😘

I made myself very clear.

Nasty.

OP should not be the one to tell the DC. He is the one breaking up the family, so either he tells them or they both tell them together, having agreed in advance what to say.

He is leaving the DC as well since he won't be living with them and will be completely changing their lives. They are going to be upset, no way round that except to try to be as civil with each other as possible in front of them.

What you do now is allow yourself to grieve, talk to a friend and do not chase DH for a different outcome. Do not chase for his love or affection, it will just hurt you and make things hard on you both.

I agree with this. It is fine to be upset and even to show that you are, but don't chase as you will just keep on hurting. Acting dignified, even if it is just acting, is better. Be prepared that it may turn out he has been using someone else for support and an OW may emerge at a later date.

Please confide in a friend to help you with the initial shock.

😘🍑

Nasty and cute emojis, great combo.

Hope you feel better soon OP, it’s going to be hard but you can get through it. Lots of kind people on here will be thinking of you.

Since when did we have 13yos on mumsnet?

It is hard not to chase. Would love to try and convince him to stay. But would I believe him if he did? I will try the dignified route, even if I am faking it.

Thank you for all the reassurance about DC. It kills me to know we are causing them pain, we supposed to protect them from getting hurt and keep them safe. Now we are smashing their world up.

The kind words really help, stops things being quite so lonely. Thank you

Still not sleeping, just want to cry all the time. DH acts almost like I don’t exist. I really mean nothing to him now and it kills me.

I can not see a future where I’m not hurting. He was my best friend. This is so bad

You will hurt less.

You need to be steely now. Ice cold and determined.

He is not your friend.

Get an appointment with a solicitor. Seek to protect yourself and your dcs' future.

Hi @Fluffyd0g keep strong my lovely. It is tough but things will work out in the end and pain will be gone, I promise! Please try not to think it meant nothing to him. I don't think thats true even without knowing the details. Be gentle to yourself. Try to focus on you though, little steps, even if its just slowing your breathing from time to time, having a tea, you don't have to work it all out in a day, week, month etc
I will keep my fingers crossed for you 🌸

Thank you @BlastedPimples and @Hehx3 kind words really help. It is so hard and knowing people are willing you on is such a comfort

@Fluffyd0g Im so sorry, I’m going through the same thing at the moment and it’s awful. Was with my partner for 13.5 years and we have 2 kids and he left me a few weeks ago saying he didn’t love me anymore and is in love with someone else. It has since come out he’s been cheating on me for nearly 2 years.

The pain and betrayal is awful as is how he has been acting since. He’s also so cold and distant and acts like I don’t exist.
I’ve been prescribed antidepressants as could barely function, might be something to think about. Also had my first counselling session today which I hope helps.
It’s so hard right now but it will get better. Here if you want to talk.

@ilikeeggs i’m so sorry that you are going through this too. You are doing amazing to be even breathing let alone organising DR’s appointments and counselling. Keep looking after yourself, you deserve it 💐

Thank you for all the reassurance about DC. It kills me to know we are causing them pain, we supposed to protect them from getting hurt and keep them safe. Now we are smashing their world up
Thinking this way isn't going to help them at all.
They will be guided by you. They will react to you. There is no need for them to suffer as much as you have projected they will. Honestly, it is the behaviour of the parents that make it so traumatic. 🤷‍♀️

Hi op @Fluffyd0g I was the same constantly thinking what is going to happen to children. And what can I say... they are happy! You will make it work, evoke that in you 🙂women are powerful, honestly, you will find a way x and take care of you, pour little, nice moments to the cup x

@Fluffyd0g Your pain is probably at the most intense now but it does get better.

My dc were initially dreadfully upset and I couldn't believe that I had inflicted such pain on them however it was short lived. I continued to keep their routine and tried as hard as possible to remain cheerful.

Years down the line they are genuinely thriving. Sure, I would prefer they have a happy homelife with 2 parents BUT they appear to be doing way better than friends with parents together. It's not just my opinion but the opinion of school and family.

I have had to focus on them, perhaps to the detriment of my romantic life as unfortunately their Dad became very selfish post separation. There was an OW, who he had hidden well and as her dc were older ex is now mostly living a life of a very part time parent. He sees dc when it suits him. I still struggle with that but its his choice and his loss.