Do you think we put too much emphasis on relationships?

[JoonT]

Before I get flamed, I'm not staring an "aren't men awful" thread, nor am I bitter, or against relationships.

I ask because this weekend I'm going to a 40th birthday party. The woman who is turning 40 is single and has never had a relationship, yet she's one of the happiest, most sociable people I know. Behind her back, people are constantly shaking their heads and pitying her and saying things like "poor Sarah [not her real name], she must be so lonely" or "if only she could meet a nice guy," or "I like Sarah, but don't you think she's a bit odd?" etc. But why? Like I said, she's one of the happiest people I know. To make it even more absurd, one of the people who constantly pities her takes Prozac in order to cope with her shit marriage!!

Do you think we still put too much emphasis on relationships? And why? Also, do you think it's changing? So far as I can tell, the young seem more interested in money, career and travel.

I embarked upon a serious relationship after 15 years of on off casual dates. Being honest I think people treat you differently when they know. With my friends who are couples I would tend to go along with their preferences but I feel that I have a greater voice now. On a personal level it feels more anchored.

Some people simply can't fathom that not everyone wants to conform to societal norms and, even worse, that those people don't care what everyone else thinks of them. Others are unhappily married/parenting and are just jealous.

Yes.

I look back on my life and the happiest times have been when I was single.

Maybe just because I've had only bad relationships with about 1% being good. Still though, I still prefer being solo.

I listen to Alonement, the podcast about being purposely single and I am 100% not looking for a relationship. I speak to different friends every day and never ever feel lonely. I also have a child so it's not the same as living completely alone.

There are so many roads to happiness and the traditional model of relationships is only one.

In my opinion, no one can be happy with another person if they cannot be happy by themselves. If you don't love yourself and accept yourself, it causes problems relating to other people. It opens the door for abusive and/ or co-dependent unions that lead to unhappy outcomes. I have friends who seem very happily married on social media, but they are miserable and financially dependent on their partner or husband. Several would leave and be single if they had the financial freedom and/or courage to do so. I would never marry again, or live with a partner. I am financially independent, and love the freedom of having my own space. Boyfriends are for leaving at the door, but I don't feel like a lesser being for feeling that way. It is personal choice. Half the adult population are single, and they are not all insane rejects, or weirdos. The people gossiping about this lady must be dreadfully insecure or grounded in stereotypical thinking if they must speculate about her relationship status in this way.

I like to see friends in happy relationships, or happy single.

I don't think being in a relationship is more likely to make you happy than being single, in fact, I think being single is a happier life than being in a relationship, and I pity a lot of my friends in relationships.

But, each to their own.

If your friends are treating singleness with contempt, then they are probably very ignorant and insecure about themselves and their decision I would guess.

OP I wish people spoke about this more often as it feel such a taboo subject and really should not be that way at all. I love being single, but I have been married and at times I was happy within it. But I am happier now.

We should have the option to choose what feels best without having it hanging over us what someone might feel or think about it. Maybe its time to shut the stigma down. There is nothing wrong with either, getting married or being single.

But like you OP I have heard the rumors about "Sarah" at work, in the coffee shop, during a phone call to someone, at the Dr, everywhere really and everyone seems to have a negative opinion most of the time.

Yes! But with the emphasis on romantic relationships not all relationships.

To be honest if someone isn’t married with two kids (ideally one boy, one girl… with an optimal age gap!) people will jump to negative assumptions.

I think I read that single childfree women are some of the happiest people…. And actually, all that freedom! I love my partner but if I was to become single I’d be more than able to embrace the positives! … I’m going to go look at right move now and daydream about having a little house all of my own, decorated in my way without needing to negotiate! Ahhh bliss!

A romantic partner can bring happiness but can also make you as miserable as hell.

I'm happily single. If the right guy came along I'd be open to it but I don't base my life's happiness on finding him.

There are definitely many ways to find happiness not just with a partner.

I agree. So much pain and unhappiness could be avoided if more people thought like this. I'm not against relationships at all. I know people who've been married for years and are genuinely happy. But we ought to think of long-term relationships as just one of many options.

Far too many people (especially young women) feel that you need to be married in order to be 'normal', so they settle for a partner who seems vaguely OK and then wonder why they're miserable. Spending the rest of your life with the same person, year in year out, sharing a toilet and a shower, eating together, watching TV together, and so on, is really flippin hard. And you should only ever try it if you've met someone you absolutely love.

Living with someone (as most of us have found out) is very different to dating them. Just because someone is attractive or funny or interesting, that doesn't mean you'll be happy sharing a brick box with them for 40 years. I have a feeling that a massive chunk of the population, probably a third or more, aren't suited to long-term relationships at all.

I was widowed when my kids were very young. One of my closest friend's husband would ask me every time I saw him about my love life. More so than any female friend. I would tell him that nothing was happening but I was totally fine with that, but he couldn't accept it. I find it's men that are more hung up on it than women are.

Yes. The amount of times I get questioned about why I'm single, why don't I go out to meet men etc etc. It's tiring. Those questions also seem to come from people whose relationships I definitely wouldn't want to have.... So I find that quite interesting. I always find that those who are genuinely in happy relationships will never question or talk about why I'm single.

I do think the narrative is slowly changing though, particularly for women. There's more of a focus on career, on being independent etc. With men, people don't seem to question it as much and I think it is unfortunately due to the fact that men don't have as tight of a biological clock. So if a woman is single in her 30s, people instantly assume she needs to hurry up and get married so she can get pregnant. People don't hold those same views for men.

Agreed, this attitude is so ingrained. Society is geared toward this as the ultimate goal that we must find one special person to fall in love and “share our lives” with.

Well what if we don’t want to share? Or what if we want to share with more than one person? What if we want to share with one person for now but accept it might not be for the rest of our life? What if friendship is enough? I think attitudes are changing albeit incredibly slowly.

There’s a thread about death and how uncomfortable we are with it. I think there is some overlap that people are scared of growing old without a life companion - look at the way people often talk about being worried they won’t meet someone.

The main frustration for me is holidaying alone the deals are all for two! 😂 Of course this isn’t down to relationship status it affects anyone who wants to travel alone, you just notice it more if you are single and more frequently holidaying on your own.

I am going through a divorce. I have vowed never to co-habitate again. I will never wash another man's underpants ever again. I like the idea of companionship, intimacy and sex but don't like the thought of a serious relationship with merging of households and finances. I honestly can't see any value in it. I observed a couple walking down the street today. They looked so incredibly unhappy together in their body language. I know I was observing a snap shot of them in time but it made me shudder. I would much rather be alone than in a miserable relationship. Why do we do it? Better to be alone than poorly accompanied.

The gal tat takes Prozac is deflecting. That’s all you need to know. Everyone does regardless of their lifestyle

I decided I wanted to be in a relationship when I was sitting next to the hospital bed of my sick parent. Everyone around me on the ward had someone with them. I was single and happy with it for so long but I felt so alone at this time.

I agree with the comments that men tend to have more an issue with with this than women. I was telling a male friend that one of my female friends has depression, he asked if it was because she didn't have a partner or children....

I think society forces us to be this way pretty much.

From being toddlers little girls are flooded with 'awww is that your boyfriend', 'look at her with that baby doll, she's going to be such a good mummy' etc. Girls in particular are raised in a way that leads them to believe having a husband and babies is the road to happiness because that's the blueprint they've been given. It actually makes me quite annoyed when I see it.

I could have just landed the most incredible job in the world but no one in my circle would be as excited for me as they would be if I told them I was engaged/pregnant. I am 26 and not looking for a partner because I'm too busy focusing on other things - to the point where I will turn down any man who asks me out right now. Men in particular are AMAZED by this - one in my circle recently asked me why I 'don't want to do anything nice for myself that isn't work' as though my hobbies, friends and family aren't nice things for myself.
It's like landing a man who wants to be with you is the ultimate achievement and no woman who doesn't have one can truly be happy. I find it really sad

I don't have a daughter but if I ever do there won't be any of this priming her to be a mother/wife. There's nothing wrong with being either of those things, but I'd like her to choose for herself

I was single for 12yrs between leaving the father of my DC up until November when I started dating someone (not serious). People were so shocked that I’m seeing someone and I do think people thought it odd I wasn’t in a relationship. When most of those thinking it was odd are in crap relationships. I didn’t want to go out with someone I didn’t fancy, didn’t find attractive and up until I started dating this guy in November I didn’t meet anyone who ticked those boxes. I didn’t want to do online dating. After years of mediocre sex I didn’t miss it. After 4 months of amazing sex however with new guy I would miss it if we split and probably would do online dating as I’d definitely miss amazing sex!

'The people gossiping about this lady must be dreadfully insecure or grounded in stereotypical thinking if they must speculate about her relationship status in this way.'

Totally agree. Being married / partnered is very much seen as 'the norm' and being outside of that makes some people very uncomfortable, ditto not having kids. People will say that it's FINE to be single or childfree, but it doesn't always feel that way

I'm in a happy, healthy relationship but can absolutely 100% understand why someone would be single through choice and perfectly happy with it

I find it's men that are more hung up on it than women are.

Men don’t like ot when women aren’t some man’s property.
And you might give his wife some ideas😆

But to the topic.
Yes, there is too much emphasis on being in partnered relationships, and stigma about being single.
I hope that Amatonormativity soon crumbles and disappears.
It would make people so much happier and healthier.

Cohabitation is also an interesting one. Don't think most people are suited to it - unless they find a partner very similar to them of course.

My dad and stepmum have been together 16 years and never lived in the same house - very happy, spend quality time, have such a laugh etc.
Whereas a massive chunk of people I know that have lived together for a similar amount of time seem to fight like cat and dog

At 26 I wonder whether I might as well accept defeat now and never move in with a man in the first place ha

My mum used to often say how she'd wish I had a nice man to be with. I'm divorced and hand been single for 5 years now. It took me a while to make her understand how I didn't need a man to complete me and how I'm happy as I am. For a woman who wed in the 50s it's a very foreign concept to understand. I think she feels I'm missing out. Maybe I am but I'm not relationship material I don't think, especially now after being on my own and happily so. I spent my youth chasing relationships believing them to be the be all and end all. They brought joy but mainly unhappiness. All of them! My marriage was abusive and I feel free now. I'm showing my dc that I don't need a man. I'm happy as I am and never rely on anyone else for my happiness. My ex husband relied on me for his happiness which is not how it works.

I'd say of the people I know, a lot are lonely in their relationships. Better to be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong reasons. Society's expectations for women can fuck off.

I had this exact conversation yesterday.
Society puts FAR too much emphasis on romantic relationships and the majority of it is bullshit. Calling someone your ‘other half’ 🙄 as if you aren’t complete on your own. That you can’t cope without your partner. It’s not healthy.

I just hope as society evolves there will be less and less importance placed on romantic relationships, and that girls will grow up to be independent and happy on their own before getting into relationships. I also hope ending relationships becomes much normalised.

Being single is fucking fabulous!

Yes, we absolutely do put too much emphasis on relationships. I separated from my ex almost two years ago and almost since the beginning everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, was telling me that I should get a boyfriend. I cannot believe it! My GP, by best friend, my sister, even my therapist. Like wtf!

So basically they are telling me that I cannot be happy unless I have a man beside me. What is this, middle ages! No, I absolutely do not need or want a relationship right now. I am not saying never, but I definitely do not need it now. I have been married for over 25 years to a man who was controlling, manipulative, narcissistic. I want to be by myself, make decisions, go places, sleep alone in my bed, I WANT to be alone, thank you very much.