Do you think we put too much emphasis on relationships?

[JoonT]

Before I get flamed, I'm not staring an "aren't men awful" thread, nor am I bitter, or against relationships.

I ask because this weekend I'm going to a 40th birthday party. The woman who is turning 40 is single and has never had a relationship, yet she's one of the happiest, most sociable people I know. Behind her back, people are constantly shaking their heads and pitying her and saying things like "poor Sarah [not her real name], she must be so lonely" or "if only she could meet a nice guy," or "I like Sarah, but don't you think she's a bit odd?" etc. But why? Like I said, she's one of the happiest people I know. To make it even more absurd, one of the people who constantly pities her takes Prozac in order to cope with her shit marriage!!

Do you think we still put too much emphasis on relationships? And why? Also, do you think it's changing? So far as I can tell, the young seem more interested in money, career and travel.

This absolutely! Being single IS fucking fabulous!

Tbh you see it on here though, women in terrible marriages wanting to leave but ‘what if no-one else wants me??’ They’re not even out of their marriage yet and they’re wondering if they’ll meet someone else!!

This is the craziest part!
Or someone console by saying there are plenty of men, pretty much just telling to go and find another one as fast as you can.
Being single never seem to occur to these people.

I was out with my sister and my bil the other day, we were sitting at a restaurant and there is this guy having lunch on his own. My sister looks at him and says something like, “look at this poor man eating all by himself”. I mean, first of all she did not even realize that she is pointing at me basically because I am freshly separated and might as well be sitting alone like that guy, but she was automatically feeling sorry for him. I was so mad at her but did not want to show so I just commented how it is wrong of her to assume that he is not enjoying himself, that he is not there alone by his own choice and that he cannot enjoy his own company.

I believe that there is still a significant emphasis placed on relationships in our society, and for good reason. Humans are social creatures, and we crave connections and interactions with others. Relationships, whether they be romantic, platonic, or familial, provide a sense of belonging, support, and fulfilment that is difficult to replicate through other means.
However, I do agree that there is a shift happening, particularly among younger generations, where other priorities such as money, career, and travel are becoming more important. This shift can be attributed to a number of factors, such as the rise of social media and the availability of global travel, which have made it easier for young people to explore different paths and lifestyles.
But at the same time, I don't think it's fair to say that younger generations are entirely disinterested in relationships. Rather, I believe that they are seeking more balance and flexibility in their lives, and are open to exploring different types of relationships and connections beyond traditional norms.

It's not the be all and end all. In the absence of an actual reason to think otherwise there's no reason to presume someone would be happier with a different relationship setup then they currently have. You can be very, very alone in a relationship too, though that's beside the point because it's not about the fact romantic relationships can be abusive, self-esteem destroying and wreck your life, it's about the fact that for some people a happy committed long term romantic relationship is not what they need to be happy. I felt this way when my own relationship was very happy. Parenthood is the same, it's not the right path for everyone. I'm very glad to be a parent, but why would I assume that's the right path for everyone or that a mid thirties woman has a ticking biological clock and needs to find someone asap to have a family with. If a friend told me that's how they felt that would be one thing, but I'm not going to assume that's the right path for them in the absence of them actually telling me that's what they need.

I was messaged by a 62 yr old man who wanted to get inside my wizards sleeve. It's not a phrase I'd heard before. The post was accompanied by this emoji. 😜 Slim pickings out there, I think any woman would prefer to be single than with someone like this.

Wizard's sleeve!!! I suppose he's the wand? Did you reply? Something scathing I hope.

Definitely too much importance.
i also hate when mums romantisise their kids friendships “Emily’s little boyfriend” no Emily’s six, children play boyfriends and girlfriends they don’t have boyfriends and girlfriends, stop praising and boosting it as an achievement if you don’t want Emily to feel like a failure if she finds herself single one day.

I’d like to meet someone nice but when you decide to only go out with men who are mature and communicate properly and don’t deliberately undermine your confidence then you decided to stay single by accident.

Tbh at 28 id say a good 60% of my friends say they'll never marry or have children. They may have partners but they're not interested in 'family' so to speak.

She may find herself with plenty of single adult company in 10 years. Or they might change their minds.

But the times are a-changing.

Surely it's a witches sleeve considering it's attached to a female 😂

I blocked him.

Yes! Far too much. To an unhealthy degree. I agree with a pp - I truly hate when parents talk about their child's 'bf' or 'gf' when said child is 6 or 8 or 12.... as if it's something to be proud of. And I have a couple of friends who have actively encouraged their child's teenage bf / gf to move in with them!!!! Like they can't wait to see their child coupled up. They create problems for them of course down the line, as they chances of that r'ship working out are slim, and there's the added burden of 'Ihave to make it work cos mum and dad love him / openened their home to him / we love together and I'd be kicking him out if I split with him'.

The more someone knows themsleves, what they want, what their boundaries are, before setting out on relationships, the more likely they are not to put up with rubbish, and to find a happy relationship. We shouldn't be rushing YP in to r'ships as though it's something to strive for.

I don't ever ask DCs about dating or relationships. I ask about work, hobbies, social events, health etc. But not dating. I don't want them to think there's any expectation from me. Single suits lots of people better than being coupled up.

I found it easier to be single when I was younger. In my mid 50s I would find it hard to be alone. Honestly, suddenly life is throwing curve balls - bereavements, job loss, looks fading rapidly and it's nice to feel that if I end up in A&E then someone is there for me. Definitely in my 30s I felt very different.

Oh that's awful, I can understand how disappointing that must be. I think I probably tolerate some commitment issues because he is incredibly supportive. I know what you mean about a network of friends but I find most of mine are in relationships so their husbands and children will always trump my needs. A simple example is that my friends don't include me in family holidays - I am not their family. I do think being older and single is really hard especially when you don't have other family.

It's like landing a man who wants to be with you is the ultimate achievement and no woman who doesn't have one can truly be happy. I find it really sad

Agreed…some people’s only aspiration in life is to get married.

Soul crushing.

I think life is about relationships, but not necessarily romantic ones. It sounds like your friend has many good friendships and maybe she also has deep sibling/family relationships.

I personally feel like if my DH passed away, or we divorced, that I wouldn't set up house again. My DH really does most of the housework (he wfh), we share all our money and have no resentment over it, there's no jealousy etc. I feel we are a ride or die team. He always supports me, and I would say he is a very kind person and a great DH. I think I've just been lucky, because most people I know, are left with the lion's share of housework/childcare, a stubborn or lazy DH, a man with a temper etc. I think even though I have a good husband, marriage is still hard at times! Fuck doing this with anyone else or putting up with shit for the sake of being married. I love myself too much and would be happy with the other relationships in my life.

Being single is much better than being in a miserable relationship.

Completely agree, throughout my teens and younger years my main aspiration was to have a boyfriend. My parents sold it to us (me and my sister) that being married was the ultimate goal in life. We are both married now but it's extremely hard work and not something I'd do again, or live with anyone, or have to deal with anyone's needs apart from mine and the kids.

My sister went through hell in her 20s,/30s due to her perception of being single, that she was somehow a failure and my parents didn't help, agonising over her single status stating they wish she'd find someone. They also helped her a lot over me as she didn't have a partner so she was the "unfortunate" one. I feel they almost bulldozed us into getting married. They are very vocal about how difficult it is for their friends when their friends adult children get divorced, I think they are it as a shameful thing. My sister is the same, sees being together and staying together as preferable to anything else.

I see a lot of women my age (40s) leaving unhappy long term relationships. About 50% of them go on to be happily free but about 50% of them are immediately on the dating apps and crashing into another relationship as they simply can't be single.

I get approached sometimes by men my age (40s/50s). They are bloody awful, weird, creepy, selfish, no boundaries, just unpleasant. If that's what's out there I have no desire to go there.

I would think that most marriages are pretty cack. People will always try to defend being in a relationship when in reality they probably know it brings them down.

It's the odd dynamics you get in relationships. I'm noticing it more and more amongst our group of friends, enmeshment, control dynamics, other weird stuff. Both me and DH are quite independent, like to do our own thing. But have friends who just won't do anything without their partner there. I have friends who live some distance away, invite them to stay or on weekends away... But they have to bring their partner which changes the dynamic.. Why can't they do stuff on their own!! Some people are so enmeshed with each other they cease to have separate identities. It's bizarre.

When I was married (to a guy who wasn't terrible - especially compared to what we read on the relationships board - well brought up, educated, professional, healthy, no vices etc) he was shit at all those things and having those things alone when you are married is the absolute pits.
I'm much happier single, it's not one disappointment after another.

Cougeon I agree with the 'enmeshed' couple syndrome, I find it really odd that couples can't do anything on their own. My DH & I (married over 30 years) are very happy to do things apart- we have totally different interests so why should we drag the other along to do something they don't want to do or sacrifice our own interests up just to compromise. My DH loves to go for a skiing holiday (which I hate) & I love to go on a beach holiday (which he hates). For years we 'compromised' on trying to find holidays we both enjoyed but to be brutally honest nothing really suited both of us. He's away at the moment hill walking with friends ... great, I am happily content home alone!

Equally frustrating are friends who won't do anything their partners. One of my dearest friends just won't go away without her DH, he's a nice enough bloke but surely a 'girl's weekend' is just that ... my DH wouldn't dream of coming along so why does her DH assume he's invited. Interestingly I don't think he's the 'controlling' one, more that she doesn't like him to do anything that she doesn't have control over.

And don't forget one half of a couple will nearly always be 'left behind' if you don't have your own set of friends or interests ... my DM is recently widowed after 60 years of marriage, thank Goodness she always had her own friends and interests and even at 90 can get on and enjoy her life. So many 'halves' of couples just give up entirely when their partner dies.

A long way of agreeing - yes, relationships are overrated ... be happy in your own skin. .