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Original poster

How would you deal with dp constantly managing expectations to his benefit?

46 replies

TickleChops · 21/03/2023 18:22

We have been together almost 5 years now, we live together, we're both over 50, both divorced, own adult kids etc. Generally a v happy relationship but one thing that is absolutely driving me mad is his inability to be entirely truthful about situations where he thinks it would be easier for him not to tell the truth.

I'll give you an example. Dp has various things he's doing that will mean he's away from Weds to Sunday. So I suggested yesterday we go out for dinner tonight as we won't see each other for a few days. I happened to walk past his laptop this morning on my way out the door to work and his diary was open and I noticed he had meetings in another city till 730pm. Given where this city is, he's not going to get back here till 9pm which is too late to then go out. I didn't raise it with him as he had taken a phone call and I was starting my commute.

I get a message from him around 4pm saying how he's looking forward to dinner tonight and he'll see me at 7pm. Didn't think anything of it as I was busy all day and then of course, I've just had a call from him saying 'oh sorry, his boss has been really difficult and he needs to stay till 730pm'. I said err yes well I saw that in your diary when I walked past this morning - at which point he just mumbled something about how I must have looked at the wrong day because the meeting was only just arranged etc. etc. bullshit bullshit.

Honestly, if he had said yesterday when I suggested dinner that he couldn't do it, I would have been fine with it. But i KNOW he agreed because it's what he thought I wanted to hear and it was just easier to say yes knowing full well he was never going to make it.

There are just little incidents like this time and time again. I find it disrespectful - like he's managing me if you see what I mean and I'm part of some overall picture where he's trying to get away with what he wants to do all the time. I actually feel a bit used like he's played a deliberate trick on me.

I've confronted him about it repeatedly. But he keeps on doing it. Other than saying enough is enough and walking away, which seems a shame as everything else is ok, is there any other way I can deal with it? It's really starting to wind me up!

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 21/03/2023 18:50

When you have confronted him does he admit to doing it?

I wonder if it’s something he developed in a previous relationship or childhood as a coping mechanism for something?

either way - annoying as hell.

is it a dealbreaker though? Possibly as I personally would be second guessing everything he said and would just start to dismiss what he says as a partial truth. Not exactly relationship goals.

would he consider therapy to discover the underlying reason and how to deal with it for himself?

Autienotnautie · 21/03/2023 18:52

My husband sometimes does similar with me it's really annoying. Usually over choosing things he will agree then later say he wants something completely different. Really winds me up.

category12 · 21/03/2023 18:56

If he lies all the time about little stuff, you can't really trust him about the big stuff either.

If he were willing to address it in therapy, then maybe.. but tbh I'd be out. Can't stick being lied to.

Supersimkin2 · 21/03/2023 18:59

Is it only ‘white lies’?

Watchkeys · 21/03/2023 19:00

He's continually being dishonest with you. How can you stay?

Original poster
TickleChops · 21/03/2023 19:03

Because weirdly it's not 'major' things. It's just situations where it's almost always something to do with being disorganised or over committing to too many people (all the same problem).

OP posts:
Wakemeup17 · 21/03/2023 19:07

It's anxiety, procrastination and avoidance - I do that too. It's easier to deal with something over email / text than face to face especially when I know that the reaction of the other side will be angry / unhappy / disappointed etc (something I perceive as negative). For me it's a coping mechanism and if I feel secure in a relationship / I am given enough space, I behave like an actual adult 😂 and tell the truth. But it takes a lot of courage. I am not the person that will claim emotional space for myself, I need this to be given to me. We're all different. I know it's annoying as shit though. Up to you whether this is a dealbreaker or not.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 21/03/2023 19:11

Because weirdly it's not 'major' things.

Do you mean he (definitely) doesn't do it for major things? Or has it only been minor things because nothing major has come up?

junebirthdaygirl · 21/03/2023 19:11

Is it because he never checks his diary when making plans? My dh has a habit of making plans with someone without checking and then has to get out of it. He doesn't lie though but gets stressed but it still doesn't make him check next time.

category12 · 21/03/2023 19:11

But would you trust him to tell the truth about something major, if he was afraid of the fall out?

SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 19:14

Wakemeup17 · 21/03/2023 19:07

It's anxiety, procrastination and avoidance - I do that too. It's easier to deal with something over email / text than face to face especially when I know that the reaction of the other side will be angry / unhappy / disappointed etc (something I perceive as negative). For me it's a coping mechanism and if I feel secure in a relationship / I am given enough space, I behave like an actual adult 😂 and tell the truth. But it takes a lot of courage. I am not the person that will claim emotional space for myself, I need this to be given to me. We're all different. I know it's annoying as shit though. Up to you whether this is a dealbreaker or not.

That sounds plausible and understandable.

However, would you text the day after agreeing to an outing (you can’t make) to say Looking forward to dinner, see you at 7!
That was just 3 hours before the event. It seems deliberately cruel, almost enjoying the idea of seeing you happy and then disappointing you.

SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 19:15

Can you give more examples op?

LadyLapsang · 21/03/2023 19:33

Why wouldn’t you have messaged him or called him saying I presume dinner is off because I noticed you had a meeting in X in your calendar, or when he messaged you at 4, asked him if he was back from X. Downright lie or serious problem if he hadn’t realised by 4 he was supposed to be in another city. I think he is a habitual lier and has no respect for you. You could have been out at the cinema or out with friends not hanging around for him. Try doing to same to him, I bet he won’t like it!

Original poster
TickleChops · 21/03/2023 19:34

He is an anxious person so that does fit. I know he doesn't want to let me down but actually by doing what he's doing, he's letting me down more. And yes @junebirthdaygirl I don't think he does check or check next time. He finds it v hard to organise himself.

I can't think of other examples off hand but they all follow a similar line.

I hadn't thought about therapy but will suggest that.

OP posts:
Original poster
TickleChops · 21/03/2023 19:35

I was super busy today - I work in a job where I can't really access the phone for a proper conversation till I've finished so tbh I was just focused on work

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 19:46

Has this got worse over time? How on earth did he cope with the dating stage?

Id find it exasperating actually, you’re being made to feel a very low priority by his actions. I doubt he double books himself for “important” stuff does he? Work meetings, hospital appts etc?

SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 19:50

It’s almost as if he’s not listening just saying Yes dear that’ll be nice without engaging his brain, checking his diary, suggesting a time he can commit to?

Original poster
TickleChops · 21/03/2023 19:52

I don't think it's only me. I've heard him screw up work appointments etc.

It is exasperating!

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 20:01

Perhaps it is just an anxiety thing then? Some pathological fear of saying No when asked to commit to something and only having the nerve to pull out at the last minute?

Its likely ingrained in him, a difficult habit to break.

SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 20:02

Could you set up some sort of shared diary? 😬

Original poster
TickleChops · 21/03/2023 20:08

:) I did do that - but of course, he has a different one for work so now he has 2 diaries to completely screw up

I might try and tackle it from the anxiety point of view - I hadn't really linked the two issues together but now that that's been pointed out, it does make sense.

Thanks for your advice!

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 20:10

How about proposing social engagements in a very non confrontational, open ended way in an attempt to manage his knee jerk Yes response?

Eg Id love to go out for dinner this week. Can you check when you’re available and message me later with a couple of dates?

Mamette · 21/03/2023 20:13

This sounds very annoying.

Is there any chance he vaguely thinks he might be able to get out of the late meeting and is just sort of stringing you along until he knows either way?

It’s still lying though as he knows full well the meeting is booked in.

ParkrunPlodder · 21/03/2023 20:18

Wakemeup17 · 21/03/2023 19:07

It's anxiety, procrastination and avoidance - I do that too. It's easier to deal with something over email / text than face to face especially when I know that the reaction of the other side will be angry / unhappy / disappointed etc (something I perceive as negative). For me it's a coping mechanism and if I feel secure in a relationship / I am given enough space, I behave like an actual adult 😂 and tell the truth. But it takes a lot of courage. I am not the person that will claim emotional space for myself, I need this to be given to me. We're all different. I know it's annoying as shit though. Up to you whether this is a dealbreaker or not.

My DH can be like this too. It was never ok for him to prioritise himself as a child and he developed this strategy to cope and feel safe. It drives my crazy so he’s trying to curb it and mostly has over the years. I value honesty as that’s what makes me feel safest (my parent had mental health issues with delusions so I’m as extreme in my own way as he is).

SmileyClare · 21/03/2023 20:27

Up to you whether this is a deal breaker or not

Thats quite a rigid statement. Like @ParkrunPlodder‘s dh, he could attempt to curb this habit or at least own it- admit that he behaves this way and offer up some reasons why.

Otherwise it can easily be interpreted as uncaring or deliberate game playing on his part.