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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's being unreasonable, right?

30 replies

bathsh3ba · 21/03/2023 14:36

I know he is, and I know I'm right, but I just need some reassurance I'm doing the right thing!

With my boyfriend about 18 months. Don't live together. Both have kids: he has a young son he has 50-50; I have teen girls (under 16) I have all the time.

He wants to spend the whole of every weekend he doesn't have his son together and this isn't always possible with my family commitments. He thinks I'm not putting him first enough because of this. We generally see each other once a week when he has his son, and twice a week when he doesn't. We live about an hour apart and he doesn't drive so it's mainly me travelling. We maybe get two overnight stays a month but he wants more overnight stays; I'd like more but it isn't always practical.

Take this weekend. My girls have commitments Sat am and Sun afternoon. He asked to stay over Fri night, I said sure but I have to drive my DD to her commitment in the morning.

He then asked if I could stay Sat night at his. I said no as I'm not comfortable leaving the girls alone overnight (one is almost 16 but one is a young teen, neither want to be left).

I said he could stay two nights at mine, but I'd have to drop him back around the Sun pm commitments.

He thinks I'm not being committed enough and I should either leave them overnight (he thinks they're old enough and I'm babying them) or cancel their plans so I can see him.

They can't get to their commitments if I don't drive them, we live in a village with no transport. I am in the middle of planning a house move to the nearest city to make things easier for them but that also, obviously, takes up a lot of my time. I also work - and I feel pulled between him and my kids (by him) with no time for myself and I don't think it's right!

OP posts:
Cloudhoppingdancer · 21/03/2023 14:38

You need to dump him. He's very selfish.

Menopants · 21/03/2023 14:40

dump

Azandme · 21/03/2023 14:41

Get rid. Any man who would expect you to leave two children home alone overnight so he could get his oats is an asshole.

Boringcookingquestion · 21/03/2023 14:42

He’s an arse. Of course you’re not putting him first, you have children you are responsible for. Putting him first would be wrong and it’s a huge red flag that he doesn’t understand that.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 21/03/2023 14:43

There's nothing wrong in his wanting to spend more time with you, and he's allowed his opinion on whether or not your kids can be left alone. But your primary commitment is to your children and he ought to be able to accept that gracefully. If he's badgering you about it, that is not acceptable.

NiceKipperTie · 21/03/2023 14:44

Azandme · 21/03/2023 14:41

Get rid. Any man who would expect you to leave two children home alone overnight so he could get his oats is an asshole.

100% this.

Bearonthestair · 21/03/2023 14:44

I'm tired just reading this.
He doesn't drive but expects you to run around after him. He sounds needy and unreasonable. I'd get rid.

bjrce · 21/03/2023 14:48

He doesn't drive - its 2023. That in itself would put me off.

If he's not driving, does this mean you are travelling up there to him and then driving him back when he comes to you. Wake up!

He wants to be ferried around and you to be available at his beck and call on his free weekend. Can't believe you put up with his bullshit for 18months. All he is contributing to your life at the moment is stress. You trying to keep him happy - what is he doing for you?

Could you imagine if he moved in with you? He has absolutely no regard for you DC. Its all about him.

You need to raise your standards, if you continue to put up with this shit - you have no one to blame but yourself!

Navigatingthroughlife · 21/03/2023 14:48

It’s lovely he wants to spend time with you. I’m quite vocal with people babying kids and all I can say here is leaving someone under 16 and a younger child IS NOT babying them. What if someone tried to break in…yes that would be terrifying at any age but even worse under 16! Coming from a step parent it can sometimes be difficult as your parenting tactics are different to theirs however you have to accept your partner for who they are including their parenting techniques! You are the parent and it’s completely your decision!

Navigatingthroughlife · 21/03/2023 14:49

Oh and to add. YANBU!!!

wackamole · 21/03/2023 14:50

You are absolutely right not to leave them. The 16yo on her own, once she IS 16, would probably be fine IF she were comfortable with it, but not in charge of her younger sister. If it helps any to back you up or make you more confident in your decision: although there's no specific law in the UK, the government recommendations agree that no child under 16 should be left alone overnight. https://www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone.

He thinks I'm not being committed enough and I should either leave them overnight (he thinks they're old enough and I'm babying them) he is wrong - but anyway, it's not his decision or cancel their plans so I can see him. He does sound selfish, especially when the compromise you have offered is very reasonable. Also, I understand that there may be legitimate reasons why he can't or doesn't drive, but if he's having you drive him everywhere rather than making his own way then that's another area where HE should be (1) extra willing to compromise and (2) thanking you rather than pushing your boundaries.

The law on leaving your child on their own

The law does not say an age when you can leave a child on their own, but it's an offence to leave a child alone if it puts them at risk

https://www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone

Tinkerbyebye · 21/03/2023 14:51

He’s an absolute twat, your children come first and you are doing right by them

He doesn't get that kids come first as he only sees his once a fortnight and the rest of the time his ex picks up childcare.

ask him how he would feel if his ex did the same to his kid that he is expecting you to do to yours.

Dump him

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 21/03/2023 14:52

Does he have a solid gold dick, Op?

because I can’t see anything attractive about this selfish man child.

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 21/03/2023 14:54

There is a medical reason why he cannot drive. He does sometimes get public transport to my city but more often than not I drive.

I think mainly I'm tired of being told I'm not putting him first often enough. My eldest will only be at home another 3 years. I don't want to spend those 3 years barely seeing her because I'm spending all my weekends with a boyfriend/partner. I don't see why it's not acceptable to share my time. My kids understand the concept, he doesn't seem to...

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 21/03/2023 15:14

He wants to spend the whole of every weekend he doesn't have his son together and this isn't always possible with my family commitments. He thinks I'm not putting him first enough because of this. ... he doesn't drive so it's mainly me travelling.

Goodness, he knows what he wants, doesn't he? He does sound as if he adds much to your life. Why should you run around after him.

minford · 21/03/2023 15:18

He sounds awful. And my guess would be at the point your DC did leave home you would merely have them replaced by a new child ... him. I would strongly advise getting rid. If he is like this now, if you did ever let him move in, he would be worse, and your DC would suffer.

Autumntimeagain · 21/03/2023 15:47

It's all about him isn't it ?

His free weekends.
His plans/sports comittments.
His convenience.
His wants and desires.

And he's perfectly happy for you to spend time with your DC when he's busy with his own kid, but you need to jump to it and be at his bloody' beck and call' when he's free ???

Who the fuck does he think he is ??

And he seriously suggested that you leave your two kids alone, over an hours travelling distance away, just so HE wasn't 'inconvenienced' due to HIS morning plans, and so that HE could get a shag ?? WTAF ??

No way should you continue with this 'relationship' the way it is now !

He needs a sharp fucking shock and to grow the hell up !

Tell him, that when he's got his free weekends, he can travel to yours (no more bloody driving him !) to spend time with you AND your kids.

You will NOT be leaving your DC alone for his fucking 'convenience', EVER !
HE may be a 'part time' parent, but you're NOT !

You are going to expect HIM to change HIS plans with his kid, to fit around YOURS whenever this would make sense (e.g It's his weekend with his kid, but you've got the chance of a cheap weekend break and your kids are having sleepovers at friends, so you're free)

I strongly suspect that when you start telling him to fit around YOUR needs, he'll suddenly stop wanting to see you as much....

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 21/03/2023 15:52

He thinks I'm not being committed enough and I should either leave them overnight (he thinks they're old enough and I'm babying them) or cancel their plans so I can see him.

Oh just fuck the self-important twat off.

He doesn't get to dictate your weekend plans & he certainly doesn't get to prioritise his wishes over your girls' needs.

whattodo1975 · 21/03/2023 15:53

Medical reason or not, id have dumped (or not even started dating) him over him not being able to drive.

SallySunrise · 21/03/2023 15:55

All about him isn't it? 🙄

GoodChat · 21/03/2023 15:55

He's a complete twat. You know what you need to do.

Fidgety31 · 21/03/2023 16:00

It sounds like you are incompatible. He wants a relationship where he sees you more - you don’t want that level of commitment.
it will end soon enough so you might as well end it now to save any further hassle

category12 · 21/03/2023 16:07

bathsh3ba · 21/03/2023 14:54

There is a medical reason why he cannot drive. He does sometimes get public transport to my city but more often than not I drive.

I think mainly I'm tired of being told I'm not putting him first often enough. My eldest will only be at home another 3 years. I don't want to spend those 3 years barely seeing her because I'm spending all my weekends with a boyfriend/partner. I don't see why it's not acceptable to share my time. My kids understand the concept, he doesn't seem to...

Well done for having your priorities straight.

I'd dump him if he keeps going on.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 21/03/2023 16:09

Tell him right now your initial commitment is to your dc. If he isn't grown up enough to see that he can fuck off.

Lysianthus · 21/03/2023 16:11

Presumably if he doesn't drive he takes public transport and taxis? You are not his chauffeur. He has to make the effort. I imagine you rather like spending time with your girls, it's lovely they do with you, so either he fits in or he ships out.

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