Marriage dead, husband in denial, anyone in the same boat?

[teastainedmug]

Does anyone else feel like you are living a double life, where you work, deal with the kids, go to the supermarket, generally function as a normal person, but inside you want to scream from the unhappiness of your marriage?

My DH is in total denial, and our life together is a total lie, I feel panic rising up in my throat sometimes when I think about what a sad mess it all is.

I'm seeing a counsellor on my own which I find really helpful at understanding how I made the life choices I did which got me to this place. And I've confided in a few friends who are supportive.

But it is so hard to summon up the courage to take the practical steps needed to end the marriage (if we didn't have kids I'd be off without a backwards glance) I feel like I am wishing my life away, wanting something so different from the life I have.

Just looking for some moral support from those in a similar situation

Hi, I am in a similar situation minus the husband in denial part, mostly. He also wants to separate but is a bit head in the sand about the practical elements for the most part. But I completely identify with the ‘double life’ feeling - and I wonder how many other people go around feeling like this? I think I was probably in denial for a long time (we both were) but now it’s out in the open it’s harder in some ways. Anyway, here for moral support!

Why does your DH say when you try to discuss it?

It's hard to admit that your own relationship is done ! So well done you for being strong enough to even do that !!you should be proud of yourself.been with my partner for 10yrs got few kids together and I have felt this way to .in same place as you I can see it but he's in denial!
All that means is he is being selfish !! By him denying it ! It's definitely easier said then done to take that next step and leave ! totally agree with you on that but remember that you are a strong women and will be doing it for you and your children!
Children can see when parents are unhappy even if you try and hide it from them they no trust me !! They are clever.
If your unhappy they are unhappy not that they will tell you this always but kids sometimes will go to be unhappy or can't sleep as they are worried about parents being unhappy so think all while your staying with him you and your children are all unhappy anyway.
Take that plunge be strong !!
And good luck to you I envy you xlife and relationships are hardwork and you can only do what's best

I could've written this myself. Also in the same boat, difference is that I actually asked for divorce end of Jan. He got angry, then in denial, then buried his head in the sand since, and I'm now trying to be the bad guy again and bring the conversation back so we can move on. I feel stuck and in the double life too. I also have 2 kids and if it wasn't for them I'd be long gone!

This sounds really sad, OP. I feel for you. Have you tried talking to him about it all or thought about counselling? (I'm actually not a huge fan of marriage counselling as there are so many unqualified people out there but it is helpful for some people.)

how old are your kids?

The hardest part is making the decision to end the marriage.

Once that has been done, the rest is a matter of logistics. Undoing a marriage is a step-by-step process. Divorce is horrible, whichever way you cut it, but it's better than living in a miserable half-life.

On the upside, you can now divorce on a no-fault basis, meaning that either of you can end the marriage without the faff of blame or grounds.

The first step is to see a solicitor and talk through your options with regard to splitting of assets and where you will live.

Start thinking about what your future could look like.

Divorce isn't the end of the world. Try to think of it as a new beginning.

And remember you don't need his permission or his co-operation to initiate divorce proceedings. He can stick his head in the sand if he wants to, but he won't be able to stop the process and will have to face up to facts sooner or later. Don't let him dictate your future.

Thank you for the kind responses.

My kids are 5, 8 and 10.

My DH accepts that his past behaviour has contributed to the problems, but now that he has 'pulled his socks up', he does not want to accept that I am still unhappy, therefore he chooses to pretend that there is nothing wrong.

And if you asked him, he would say I am unhappy because of the stress of my job, or the kids, or something external that has nothing to do with our relationship.

We tried marriage counselling, not successful, partly as he choose to latch onto everything I said and tried to spin it in a positive light - speaking to him is like speaking to a brick wall, he only hears what he wants to hear.

He doesn't have to accept anything in order for you to make your plans. Focus on what you and the children want and need. If he's not willing to participate, then you can't make him and you'll be waiting forever for him to engage with you. The current situation suits him.

@Imnotachap "you'll be waiting forever for him to engage with you". I know. And he has the personality that would be willing to grind out the next 40 years in total misery for us both.

@Sicario "a miserable half-life" is right. I panic when the kids go to bed as the massive void of our marriage is so obvious.

I just need to be braver, but he will be so so difficult to deal with.

I'm in this exact position @teastainedmug working full time and running the house and looking after the kids, as well as caring for other family members, and the whole time my mind is full of the dreams of being free from someone I'm married to but do not love, or even like for that matter. All I want to do at the end of the day is to go home to a comforting cuddle from someone, or just peace on my own with the kids. But instead I dread going home to him, especially if he's wfh that day and he's in his dressing gown that he's been in for the past couple of days and nights. Or if he's out I dread him coming in. He knows I'm miserable, but exactly like your dh, he'll blame a million things except the one real reason. He carries on as if everything is fine, despite me telling him straight that our relationship is no more than a friends one, and we will never again have a physical relationship. I told him that over three years ago, and having plucked up the courage to say it, thinking he would take it very seriously, I was more than deflated to see that he wasn't even that bothered and is content to spend the rest of our lives like this. I think all he wants is the wife and kids lifestyle, putting in absolutely minimum effort to keeps things ticking over, all in the knowledge I am too soft to do anything about it. Again, like you, if I didn't have the kids to think of, I'd be long gone. And I also live out my other life in my head, not realising the real life years are hurtling by and one day I'm going to look back with massive regret. I have no advice. The answer is all too obvious, but somehow I cannot make it happen. I just know how you feel.

@AlwaysTheGoodGirl and OP

I really feel where you’re coming from. Even though we’ve decided (more or less mutually) to end things I still find myself wanting to go back on all it sometimes… it is so much easier to let daily life, holidays etc just carry on. Especially when there’s work and a million other things to think about.

The threads I always found the most helpful (in a very very sad way) were from women who said they stayed too long in unhappy marriages for convenience and now massively regret it, wish they had the time back etc.

he has 'pulled his socks up', he does not want to accept that I am still unhappy, therefore he chooses to pretend that there is nothing wrong.

The significant change in his behaviour just underlines how wrong he was. The fact that he made that/those changes is quite telling.

He only did it under threat i.e. of you leaving. There's no goodwill.

He's pretty much using his behaviour change as a bargaining chip. To keep you in a marriage you don't want.

I'm hearing from him, 'I've made the changes you wanted, you don't have anything to complain about.' There's an element, from him of, 'get on with it, I have.'

Him not caring whether you are happy is again, quite telling.

It seems the feeling is gone and probably the trust and respect too.

There's nothing worse than knowing your supposed life partner does not care about your happiness.

So many of the responses on this thread are really resonating with me, thank you - yes, he has changed his behaviour and I often feel he is on the cusp of martyr mode, that I am unreasonable for not putting on my happy face and getting on with things.

@AlwaysTheGoodGirl Solidarity - it seems we are in very similar positions, we too have had no physical relationship for years and he doesn't even seem to care, or at least not enough to end the facade. Are you like me, I feel uncomfortable when others talk about relationships (good or bad) as I am so aware that mine is a failure. I even feel uncomfortable when love songs come on the radio when we are in the car together, as if feel like an awkward reproach.

I am day dreaming my life away on 'what could have been' if I had made better decisions when I was younger

I was in your shoes too, but left 14 months ago. I haven't started the divorce proceedings yet and it's a bit complicated because I left the country to move back home. My ex did the exact same thing where he treated me like crap for decades (although not constantly) and then when he knew I was leaving he turned it all around and became the person I wished he had been all along. It played some tricks on my mind where I intermittently thought, what am I doing, why am I throwing this away, it could be good again... I stuck with it though and my life now is so nice and calm. I no longer have to worry about when is he going to turn on me again, is he coming home tonight or will he pull some excuse out of the hat, why can't he be nice etc.

He has tried to weasel himself back in through the kids (now grown), but I am just so completely over it. Once you get to the stage you are at now, there is no turning back. I actually sometimes feel like maybe I was brainwashed or something by him because looking back at our relationship, I can't understand what I was thinking staying with him for over 2 decades.

He doesn't have to understand your reasons for wanting to leave, nor agree with them.

"I don't love you anymore and I want a divorce; nothing you can say will change my mind. We can be kind to each other and work this through reasonably or you can fight me legally and we can spend lots of our family's money on solicitors. Personally I'd prefer not to do that but if that's what it takes, I will."

If you can't face telling him in person, send a text (whilst that may seem callous to some, a difficult man may not even let you say all the above without talking over you/trying to change your mind).

The sooner you start the divorce process, the sooner it'll be over.

"I don't love you anymore and I want a divorce; nothing you can say will change my mind. We can be kind to each other and work this through reasonably or you can fight me legally and we can spend lots of our family's money on solicitors. Personally I'd prefer not to do that but if that's what it takes, I will."

I know, I know this is exactly have to say (and he will talk over me, shout me down) but these are the words

I just need to do it. This thread helps gives me resolve!

The only thing keeping you in that miserable marriage is you. You have the power to end it and move on, so just fucking do it. The process of ending it will be a bitch, but then a lot of things are. One thing I can promise is that it will all be over, sooner than you think, and you will finally be free of him.

Don't wake up a year from now and still find yourself is this shit marriage. Get your arse to solicitor and file for divorce. He doesn't have to be in agreement.

What @Aquamarine1029 said is pretty much the long and short of it.

Bear in mind that people get divorced all the time. You'll be joining a very big club. I know it looks scary, but it really isn't that bad and the prize is that you get your life back.

@BeExcellent2EachOther that is a great way to say it. I've been mulling it over in my head for years what I want to say, and it never sounds right. This is what I need to say.

@Lightbrightdelight this is the thing. Leaving everything as it is now is so much easier. Miserable, but easier. We've been invited to a family wedding in the summer, and it would be straightforward just to go and have a lovely time (his family are all fantastic and I would love to see his nephew get married) but I know I cannot let another year pass by just because there are events happening... He's been asking me to compile a list of songs with him to suggest for the wedding disco. As if everything is fine.

@teastainedmug Yes! The love songs on the radio thing! He spends all his time listening to music and going to gigs, and all the lyrics are to do with love and longing and closeness and how important it is to have all of that in your life, yet he's content to live without it, and in turn to force me to live without it. Why does he not see this?

@AlwaysTheGoodGirl. Ooft! Your post hit home.
Not going to write more but believe me I understand.

@AlwaysTheGoodGirl it seems we are in the same boat -sometimes I think I’m going slightly insane because I can’t understand how my DH like yours seems relatively content , without love and connection and passion.

But I know I’m not insane, I’ve just been lying to myself for years and years and I can’t do that anymore, and he’s so blind and stubborn that he is willing to sacrifice his own happiness as well as mine for the sake of saving face and getting me to submit.

That is what it often feels like, like he’s grinding me down so I agree to go along with the facade . As a PP said he doesn’t actually care about my feelings, never has, it’s enough if I perform the role of content wife and mother.

do you think he would fight you hard in a divorce? Mine will be very very nasty I fear.

@teastainedmug I just don't know. He's been on antidepressants for a few years, so I think he'd panic, be extremely anxious, very very gaslight-y, and definitely will not accept what I'm saying. As for fighting me, I don't know. I've already spoken to a solicitor to ask if I will be able to stay in the family home to keep the kids settled, and they said that they would send dh a letter strongly advising him he needs to be the one to leave, and that the courts would favour me staying but then we'll have spent money for the exact same outcome. He will not want to be told to leave, that's for sure, but I don't know how hard he will or can make it. The whole idea of this process overwhelms me and I have no idea how to get through it, and so I back down every time I think I'm going for it....

Do you think you're strong enough for the fight?

I was in that situation 11 years ago. My kids were 4 and 7. My ex was completely in denial, to the extent that each time I told him I wanted to separate, the following day he behaved as if I'd not said anything and everything was normal. I saw a counsellor too and was helped a lot and managed to extract myself from the marriage, although it wasn't easy by any means.

My kids are now teens and my ex still hates me and had never forgiven me for destroying his life and his family. My teens agree it was better for them that they did not grow up in the toxic household environment it would have been. They see him regularly but although I have have tried to have a friendly relationship with him over the years, he has so much resentment it has been impossible. His never ending desire to punish me has been a huge cause of stress for myself and the children.

However, I do not regret leaving. Not long after I left I met a lovely man who I was much more compatible with and he turned out to be the love of my life. My kids grew up with him as part of their lives and eventually we moved in together. We got married in October and are still happy. I hope this story gives you some light at the end of the tunnel.

You do not need to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy. There are lots of people who are or have been in the same boat who I'm sure will be happy to listen and help you make the right decision. You have made a great first step by going to counselling.

@Netcam Thank you, and I'm glad your story had a happy ending.

I think my husband will be the same in terms of the never ending desire to punish me for divorce - he likes his bubble of delusion, but once I force him out of it, his vicious side that will come out and I am sure he will make it impossible to be amicable. I would predict a few weeks of 'tears and shock and self pity', then reality would kick in and he'll fight me tooth and nail for the kids, the house, everything. Ironically, I am sure he will meet someone else quickly, he is fairly good looking and and works in an industry with lots of young women.

I also fear that my kids are being damaged by my modelling such as unhappy marriage (which predictably enough my parents modelled for me, something which I have been exploring with the counsellor)

@AlwaysTheGoodGirl That is impressive that you'd been to a solicitor, that is a practical step I haven't found the courage to take. This may be a daft question, but how did you even go about finding one? I live in a small town and am terrified my husband will somehow find out.