If lovebombing continues to be successful would abuse still escalate?

[Myfirstborn]

I was just wondering. Abusers always love bomb in the beginning then I understand it escalates once control has been gained.

If you were that sort of person where you did as told and just devoted everything to your partner would that mean it doesn’t escalate? Or do they want to get more aggressive or physical. I understand it’s about control. If they have control does it need to move on. Do some not set out to be violent it just happens because they lost control?

Then I was thinking what happened if someone else disrespected them outside the home or something happened that caused them stress. Do they take it out then on the partner. I always thought that abuse escalated when the partner does does something that looks like rejection. What happens if their girlfriend has a baby and they want this as more love supply and makes them look normal. Pregnancy can escalate abuse as the attention shifts but what happens if they want the attention a baby brings.

It’s a hypothetical question as it’s ridiculous but if you loved an abuser enough do they abuse?

I’m not in an abusive relationship I’m just wondering.

I think that there will always be an element of control but as long as you 'behave' yourself then it might not escalate.
However, in my experience (not me, what I've witnessed) those boundaries change and what was once acceptable behaviour becomes less acceptable.

Or

The love bombing, intense relationship become claustrophobic and you want to leave. This is the most dangerous time.

but if you loved an abuser enough do they abuse?

It's not about love though, abuse is never about love.

@VioletaDelValle no it’s about power and control. If you love enough that they feel in control would that mean it never escalates?

There are an awful lot of questions in there OP.

And no, complying won't make him less abusive. It will only ever escalate. That's how women end up dead.

I genuinely hope you are safe, but in the event this is about your situation please contact women's aid.

However, in my experience (not me, what I've witnessed) those boundaries change and what was once acceptable behaviour becomes less acceptable

This is key, you cannot do everything “right” because the lines are constantly shifting. Abusers will lose their temper and cause arguments over the stupidest of things. Yes they have a need to control, but they also have a need to berate and belittle. So whatever you do, they will find any excuse, no matter how small.

Not all abusers love bomb.

Not all love bombing looks the same either.

The underlying issue is with all your questions is that abuse isn't about what you do or don't do, it's about and abuser wanting control.

You can do everything they ask forever but that won't be good enough forever. After a while you'll feel comfortable, which is a sign their control is reducing - and then they need to "tweak" something so they regain it. It can be very small. You may not even notice it at the time (probably won't actually).

So in short, no. If you do what they want then they'll increase it. If you don't do what they want, they'll increase it.

You can't "beat the system", unless you leave. And even that isn't so straightforward a way out unless you can afford to and have no children with them.

No matter what you it's never enough. You could be literally perfect in every way and give into their every whim but it will never ever be good enough. They will always find something to nitpick, criticize, become enraged by.

It's not actually about the woman being controlled and her actions, it's about the abuser. He centers himself in everything and every aspect of her life and their shared life. He sees her as an extension of him, not a human with individual agency, decision making and flaws. She should feel and think exactly as he does. If she doesn't then that's an issue and the emotional abuse starts. He probably isn't even conscious he's doing it as it's so engrained. So there is nothing she can do or say that will be enough and that will end the cycle, she will always do something 'wrong'.

He also will change the rules and the goalposts to suit himself, keeping her constantly unstable and never really knowing what reaction she will get. And the most innocuous things going about your day can kick off a massive temper tantrum as she should magically know what he's thinking and feeling that day (because he sees her as an extension of him).

He's entitled to her time, money, body, emotions. And any slight deviation and flaw turns the anger towards her as he couldn't possibly be wrong or have flaws, eh.

It picks away at her sense of self and confidence until she's doubting her decision making, and abilities. It's so insidious.

Of course, if he was just a blatant horror from the start then she would say fuck toy and walk away, so the skill is in luring her in, love bombing and putting on a pedestal then slowly and subtly he chips away at her, he probably isn't doing it consciously but it's ingrained pattern of behavior treating women. And she is probably a people pleaser so accepts the little warning signs and doesn't realize til it's too late.

The boiling a frog analogy applies here, if you throw a frog in boiling water, it jumps out. But if a frog is in cold water slowly heating up it doesn't notice til it's boiling and it's too late.

How do I know this? I know this as I'm a smart, intelligent woman who is in this exact position and is trying to summon the resources to leave.

Thanks for your responses. It isn’t me who is in the relationship. It’s my 7 year old daughter with her dad.

Im guessing all the above applies no matter who the relation.

I grew up with a dad like this and it's what I saw as normal for relationships. It's why Ive ended up in the same position in my own romantic relationships. Your daughter is learning about how to relate to men and placate them through this treatment and it is so hard to shake off.

Please help her and get her in therapy to help her build her self confidence up and establish boundaries even at her age. You can't change him but you can change her and yourself and how you respond to him to control it.

@Fuwari so they need someone to love and they need someone to belittle depending on how they feel when they wake up, the same person? That does make it very confusing for the person on the other end.

@VWGolfmk2 I have another thread up and yeah pretty overriding I need to get her therapy. I’m trying myself to help her but it’s not working. I think it has to be from someone not on the other side of the argument.

Nope.

It's a tactic. They move onto putting you down constantly, so much it becomes the norm.

If someone love bombs you get out there and then. The very tactic is set up to make you feel like you're being ungrateful or guilty for not staying. So while it seems kind and wonderful really it's insidious and they may as well be hitting you from the get go.

I tried to please my partner every single day of my life. It became where nothing was good enough. He would put down every little thing about me then when I mentioned it he'd say 'oh it's just that one tiny thing and you're upset about it?' then call me abusive.

People who abuse people in this way are evil. It affects you far more than anything physical. It makes you question who you are and what is real and sends you insane.

That's not the type of relationship you have described, it sounds very much like you were asking about an adult romantic relationship.

Get her away from the abusive man.

There's a really good book, by Susan forward. Men who hate women and the women who love them. I've found it good explaining how and why the situation happens for the two parties and the effects etc.

In my experience, no matter how much you follow their rules, the list of things you do wrong and the list of things you can/cannot do or say grows and grows and your world becomes smaller and smaller until you’re a shell of yourself and conclude you’re so fundamentally awful that you’re better off dead.

Nope! Nothing you do for an abuser is ever good enough! If you don’t do it you’re lazy, ugly, good for nothing worthless piece of shit. If you do everything, it’s not quite up to standard. Always something wrong with what you do! The more you do for them, the more they want you to do until you send yourself dizzy devoting your life to their silly rules.

I don't like this.
It's victim blaming.
Are you saying if I'd loved my abusive husband enough, he wouldn't have abused?
Meaning I didn't. Do it's my fault??
Horrific.

@GordonShakespearedoesChristmas no I’m not victim blaming, I was also caught in an abusive relationship. I was just wondering really I suppose if they set out to abuse or if it’s because they don’t think they are loved enough at some point by you. It was a hypothetical question could you love an abuser enough to not abuse (obviously you can’t in real life as no one can dote there time endlessly to another).

I was wondering if endless love is what they wanted and when they don’t get it they start the control and devalue process or whether they do this regardless of how much love they feel.

If you love them then why do they abuse?

Love and abuse aren't correlated. An abuser will abuse to the degree they want to, regardless of how much love they receive. It's non-sensical to see it otherwise. Like 'If I love my child more, will they be more likely to eat all of their vegetables?' There's no relationship between the two things. Abuse isn't an equation.

@Watchkeys my ex it turned out abused his previous girlfriends but differently to the way he abused me. He hit the one before but not me. He used to say he never hit me like other men or cheat. What makes them decide on the level? Will they abuse every relationship?

It does escalate. Sometimes takes months sometimes takes years. Abusers abuse. If the abused do as the abuser said the abuser will think that the abused is comfortable and will find the way to abuse a bit more until destroy the soul and the self of the abused. It is about control and power and not only about the control of the situation is about how do you fell and when you fell it. It is a black hole that will suck the abused energy. Abusers abuse. It doesn't matter how much you love them they will find the way to abuse you. Sometimes it will be subtle sometimes it will be hard but their ego and entitlement is just full of themselves. Decent people do not understand how twisted they are until they found themselves in an abusive relationship and even in an abusive relationship they may not even believe they are in one because for a normal mind is unbelievable to believe that someone that claims to love you is treating you like that on purpose.

Excellent post.

It's like asking 'What makes Myfirstborn decide whether to have a burger or sausage and mash for tea? Is it how much her partner loves her? Or how much he loved his previous girlfriend? Or is it more to do with the weather?'

You're asking questions as if there's something you can 'work out'. There isn't. Abusers abuse when they want to, for their own reasons, which they may not even have identified for themselves. Looking for patterns and logic is a huge waste of your time. He is behind you. Why are you still trying to work him out?

Analyse your own behaviour. Whilst you are still turning him over and over and over in your mind, he is still messing up your life, because all of that time could be spent in doing something new, learning something, earning, playing, socialising, reshaping your life, planning, etc. The question isn't 'Why do abusers do xyz', it's 'What good will it do me, working out the answer to that question?'

More so that at dressed up as an adult relationship but OP is talking about her 7 year old

@VWGolfmk2, excellent summary. I hope that you're doing OK. I escaped an abusive relationship....I say that but my ex still torments me through contact of our child. It is infinitely better than living with my ex though.

The local domestic abuse charities have helped me beyond measure. I think I would probably be stuck otherwise. I also did The Freedom Programme. Have you contacted anyone?

I also suspect that the abuser starts abusing again, just because they can't help themselves.