If lovebombing continues to be successful would abuse still escalate?

[Myfirstborn]

I was just wondering. Abusers always love bomb in the beginning then I understand it escalates once control has been gained.

If you were that sort of person where you did as told and just devoted everything to your partner would that mean it doesn’t escalate? Or do they want to get more aggressive or physical. I understand it’s about control. If they have control does it need to move on. Do some not set out to be violent it just happens because they lost control?

Then I was thinking what happened if someone else disrespected them outside the home or something happened that caused them stress. Do they take it out then on the partner. I always thought that abuse escalated when the partner does does something that looks like rejection. What happens if their girlfriend has a baby and they want this as more love supply and makes them look normal. Pregnancy can escalate abuse as the attention shifts but what happens if they want the attention a baby brings.

It’s a hypothetical question as it’s ridiculous but if you loved an abuser enough do they abuse?

I’m not in an abusive relationship I’m just wondering.

@Watchkeys by biggest concern is our child? Do they see these the same as intimate partners?

I could never understand whether to destroy was what they wanted to do or whether destruction was just the consequence to a person when they try to control a person. So did they pick someone to actually destroy or was this just the inevitable outcome? If that makes sense.

With our child will they purposefully be destroying them or will the act of trying to control them end up destroying them also? I can see already he is trying to alter the way they view him, themselves and the people around them. He is trying to make them him if that also makes sense.

Omg you sound like I used to. I think that what happens is you get bored of trying to figure it out and stop craving answers. My abuser knows that hurting the kids hurt me. Don't know if that helps?

You speak as if abusers are a homogenous group. They're not. They're people. You can't find a pattern of what 'they' do, any more than you can find a pattern of what blue eyed people do. My partner has blue eyes. Can you tell me how likely it is that my partner will abuse our child?

We don't know, OP. We can't know. You have to do the best for your child, whatever situation comes up, but you can't 'work out' what will happen next.

@Watchkeys I thought that they were a particular group of people. People who need to control others. Most “normal” people aren’t like that are they? Don’t abusers abuse everyone?

@coodawoodashooda at times I annoy myself. I’m logical and just can’t help but need some kind of explanation which makes sense to me to feel settled. Which I know is difficult in this illogical situation.

So they know what they do to the kids hurt their mother and the kids but they do it because it’s who they are. What I can’t seem to settle on is whether they actually do know it hurts. My abuser was sent on numerous DAPP course and others to teach him insight into his actions, managed to pass them but is still manipulating our child. It appears he knows what to say to professionals but can’t/won’t use it in life. I don’t understand why. It doesn’t make sense.

Hi OP. I've seen your other thread. I would suggest you go back to your solicitor and get some advice on parental alienation and access, and do whatever you can to get some MH support for yourself regarding his ongoing abuse.

@WendyCraig Ive ran out of cash for a solicitor as it was in court for years, I spent thousands. I ended up having to self represent. My concerns were just brushed aside even though he was found to be guilty of the abuse and the cafcass officer explaining the damage of emotional abuse. It was contact at all costs even from the Cafcass officer. Trying to get judges to understand the consequences of this type of abuse seems to be impossible. I get the impression it’s very much push the child in the river and fish them out later at court.

I don’t understand how you can therapy yourself out of the hell that is your children being abused unless you just give up and stop caring anymore. I’ve got fantastic support from my partner and some great advice on here but I can’t just stop caring about her.

It's not about not caring, it's about making sure you have and know how to use the tools to keep caring.

@Watchkeys I understand I’m making sure I’m as strong as possible mentally to go the long way. It’s just so difficult. When it’s a partner you can learn do no contact and move on. I can’t move on, I’m always trying to counter parent and give her different perspectives. “Daddy wants me to pronounce yogurt differently then I do” that was this mornings comment. I’ve said you can say it however you want. She replies well that’s daddy’s way then as it makes him happy. It’s never far from my mind. I can’t help but want the best for her but it’s not in my control. As a mum I can’t stop wanting the best. It’s a difficult pill to swallow that she may end up not being the women she should be. Her own individual little self.

What would happen if you stop your daughter going? Have you contacted Women's Aid?

@coodawoodashooda I did and he took me to court and was denied access for a number of years whilst he got better went on useless courses.

They will withdraw the love once they are hooked so will be at least emotionally abused. Made to feel stupid, small, wrong etc even when 'behaving'. Probably the ideal target for this sort of man

I'm in similar situation.ive just stopped contact.

My ex husband became abusive towards me. It was largely because I wasn't 'womaning' properly. Rather than accept me as I was, he tried to change me into what he nelieve I ought to be and all other women were.

He didn't have Uchida experience eof women when we got together...

Anyway, he is with someone now and their relationship is blissfully happy. I have known people he has worked with. He's good at his job but he isn't pleasant to work with. And I see the relationship he has with our children and it isn't good.

But he and his wife apparently never have a cross word but my children say fhat this is be abuse she naturally meets all of his needs - he is a rescuer who need to he needed and she needs the attention and adoration. She is quiet and compliant. She never challenges him and is adoring of him. Everything he has ever wanted. I don't mean any of that disparagingly.

I don't understand it myself. I've met her a couple of times and she's quite self possessed and confident but she's also very 'feminine' and that's what the wants. She defers to him as the man so he has no need to try and control her 🤷🏻‍♀️

@GreyCarpet mine also liked to rescue. He used to refer to himself as my knight in shining armour, ironic as he was the one I needed rescuing from. I like to see it as one of my good qualities. Although it got me abused very badly I never gave him the opportunity to rescue me, I was too strong and had my own mind, I was the one who chose to leave. Perhaps this new lady appreciates his efforts more. Or perhaps like me it will become thin and meaningless after a while.

Yet.