Extremely low and lonely

[Bridgertafuck]

I’ve tried joining clubs, hobbies, volunteering. I think there is something seriously wrong with me as I feel I have no purpose in life despite being married to DH for nearly 20 years and two DC who are teens.

I’m on HRT and it helps with physical symptoms but I’m clueless as to why I can’t shrug off this low feeling of loneliness and isolation. I’ve lost lots of friends over the years and it seems to have got worse since I left work to set up on my own.

I’m nog sure what I want, just some comfort or suggestions as it’s making me feel like what’s the point in going on. Anyone else feel like this?

Also I don’t feel happy with DH at all, no sex instigated from him, not that I’d want to anyway.

I feel like I’ve lost my way.

I hear you OP. Although I am not married I am middle aged and find that I no longer fit in. I am a runner so take myself out doing that. But once home, there really is not much that waits for me there. I dont have pets and my kids are adults with their own kids. But you say you are unhappy, which I get, it can be lonely even if you are married. I divorced a couple of years back after a long separation. I have got rid of so called friends who were rather self serving some of them, and we had not much in common anymore.

Also, seeing that you are now your own boss, going into work is no longer happening, your marriage is mundane and so this creates emptiness.

I have taken up a few new things and it makes me less lonely, and if I am finding myself walloping in self pity, which I do sometimes, then I try and take myself outside for a walk, or put an audio book on how to be more content in my silver years.

But yeah it sucks being lonely. Maybe we should add a group on here as I know there are others who feel this way. There are groups in here for all sorts.. all is possible

@HowRatherGolly thank you for your reply, I should add as I think I may have confused this by saying I am developing my own business. It feels lonely and due to the nature of the work, it doesn’t allow for me to attend business networking events. They’re not productive and make me feel inadequate.

how do you go about setting up a group on here?

I do just feel empty and very low, it’s harder when I can’t even pinpoint what’s wrong or why I keep continually telling myself I’m on my own and no one cares😰

Maybe running your own business isn't for you? Would you be happier going back into regular employment? It's a tough stressful thing to do and if it doesn't suit you then, well, you've tried it and it's not the right thing for you?

Have you spoken to your GP about your low mood?

My confidence is shot to pieces @category12 and although it’s lonely I think my mental health would suffer working for an organisation again.

not sure what Gp can advise other than ADs.

I feel really stuck.

Nothing wrong with Anti-Ds to help you regain some equilibrium if appropriate, and if your confidence is low, perhaps you could get on the list for some counselling/talking therapy. It might also be that your HRT needs adjusting and a higher dose would help?

Part of depression is feeling stuck and like nothing will work/improve things. I think it's worth speaking to your doc.

I think when you're not sure what to do, finding one thing that you could change and working on that as a start is always a good way to make progress. e.g. a fitness schedule, learn a new skill or something. Focus on changing that one thing, and when you've got that down see if it changes everything else. Or at least then it may be clearer what would be best to work on next. Sometimes changing anything is better than staying stuck, and even if you're not sure you're working on changing the right thing, just stick at it and then adapt later because it will bring other things into view that maybe weren't visible before.

Thank you both. Depression is so debilitating. I’ve started to get fit and watch my health and it allows me to meet other people but I’m finding it hard to connect with them, I just feel like I’m not being my real self. In fact I’m not sure what my real self is. Will AD/ HRT really help with this? I just feel alone, sorry to keep repeating that, it does sound like I’m being a moaning middle aged woman, as DH says!

I think working (not own business) would give you some point to your life and structure to your day. I can’t imagine my life without my job, my colleagues. I’d certainly feel the same as you if I didn’t have that. Your confidence would grow, many people rejoin the workforce later in life and soon flourish.

O.P, so sorry to hear you are struggling and feel have lost your way. I wonder if you would consider counselling so you can explore these feelings in a safe space with a therapist who can listen objectively. You may find it helps you to unpick why you feel you are not connecting and have lost sight of your authentic self. I think sometimes it can come from years of being someone's wife, mum, employee etc and in the process you lose sight of who you are and what you want.

Hi op, just wondering how things are going for you?

I am experiencing similar although my dcs are slightly younger. I could have written much of your post.

Zanatdy I understand your point about working and having structure to the day...but work doesn't always feel worthwhile and colleagues aren't always lovely etc. You have only to read the work threads here to read the many issues people can have. Plus, nothing is gauranteed - you could be made redundant (as I was) and most people sooner or later retire so it is good to have some identity outside of work.

Having said this - Do I wish I had a job I loved and could plough my energy into that would distract me from everything else- absolutely. I'm feeling disillusioned with the type of work I could return to (have no specialism as such and always struggled with anxiety issues) - and I'm feeling I can't be bothered to re-train. Similar to you op, I feel my mental health would suffer joining an organisation again so it feels like a catch 22 problem.

I've been tinkering with a low key business which interests me (but is insular) and I'm looking into going along to a co-working space set up in the area in which I live in the hope it will be more motivating/I will meet more like-minded people. Around this, I do a bit of volunteering/join groups/school run. Group activities - one or two I look forward to, others I wouldn't mind dropping and replacing with something else but keep going with them because it gets me out of the house...it just feels like a long process of trial and error and of course you need the energy and wherewithal to keep going/keep trying and it isn't easy when your mood is low in the first place. Ditto with getting to know people. Sometimes it feels very difficult to make connections and I am learning to be more authentic in the hope this will help.

I think maybe, it is 'this time of life' when you question everything and unfortunately, I have fallen into the rather depressing 'what's the point' attitude and realising I am getting older/dcs are getting older and I too am feeling lonely and depressed. I also question the quality of relationships I have with others (including dh and friends). I have just started HRT and hoping it is going to give me a bit more zest for life/optimism.

I have started therapy and like someone else suggested up-thread - this would likely be a good idea to explore your thoughts/feelings. I don't feel like I'm listened to much in life and I would have more therapy if I could afford it.

Feel exactly the same, children away at uni.DH works long hours 6 days week. I WFH full time.

I feel I’ve no purpose, have 4 hobbies that I do regularly, but just feel lonely.

Started HRT 4 months ago and it has helped slightly. I’m just plodding on…

You need a friend or 2, and a social life/outlet. If it's possible then starting a group on here would be a good thing. Maybe you could ask MNHQ or there's a friendship board on here already?

thank you for your replies. They have been helpful. Weekend has been ok, I realise I feel very lonely in my marriage. I need to end it.

I’m in counselling but I’m finding it’s just making me feel worse. I spout on about my mood but nothing changes. I seem like I’ve come on here to do the same. I’m scared about ADs due to side effects, I have tried them and they made me suicidal, with HRT I worry it could make me worse.

I feel at this time of life my friends I have are never available for me, I try to be for them but not reciprocated as they have their own lives.

As I write this, I realise who would want to be around me?? Negative ninny😰!

Hi op yes not easy. I have a dog so he gets me out. In a walking group I asked about a coffee. No replies. You think can I be assed with all this!! Know a few parents through school but hard see people once kids older.

I think that’s it too, I invested so much in my DC that when they got older I lost my social connections there. It’s a shame really.

@Mary46 it’s so annoying and frustrating when that happens! At least acknowledge with a yes or no!

@Bridgertafuck I think you need to build a looser circle of acquaintances, and maybe be less invested in becoming great friends with them but look at them more as people to hang out with once in a while.

also do a weekly challenge of texting say 3 people and asking them for a coffee or maybe something more fun to be a bit more enticing. Could be someone you've not seen for ages. Ok you might get two "no thanks" but the law of averages says that you will get maybe 1 yes.

Same here- no partner, DS 19 living his life, friends all busy with kids, husbands and work. I WFH and live rurally so no groups to join etc and I get fed up of doing my hobbies alone. Also on HRT which has lessened the feelings of doom but I've resigned myself to the fact that this is it tbh and just deal.

Why aren't you happy with DH not wanting sex if you don't want it yourself? Isn't that better for you? Saying this nicely by the way, just found it a little confusing.

@QueefQueen80s I did want to be intimate at one time but his lack of desire and empathy has pushed me away too many times.

The loneliness in my marriage has exasperated my low mood and depression and feeling disconnected with others, does that make sense?

It does make sense. Having to talk to, be around and "service" (food, cleaning etc) a man who makes you feel unloved and uncared for is incredibly difficult. It wears you down.

I get you

Yes, I have tried a vast number of ads and found they made me feel worse unfortunately.

I also have friends who are wrapped up in their own lives (with legitimate issues - sandwich generation) so I know how this feels too. I also get the feeling that I am prone to negativity which probably doesn't make me a social maget (though I do tend to mask this quite well). It would be refreshing for someone to tell it how it actually is though. We don't tend to in an attempt to appear more sociable but with this we lose our authenticity and probably any sense of connection that might have existed.

Interesting that some posters say they are working full-time, yet feel they lack purpose so this isn't necessary a cure all in the purpose stakes. Working from home probably doesn't help this. I have just stumbled on a co-working space and hoping this alleviates the lone working aspect of my very small (hobby) business, though again this will depend on having some kind of interactions with the people around me (who then may not reappear for several days).

Yes, to viewing people as people to hang out with once in a while. Not the same as having a close friend but we need these sorts of connections too I think. I am gradually increasing my circle of acquaintances by doing this but haven't managed to form any close connections.

Op, I agree re. relationship difficulties. I think it does make everything feel much worse living with this sense of I'm supposed to feel especially connected to this person but I don't so how can I possibly connect with others.

Hi @Bridgertafuck I also know how you feel, and feel very similar at times. From the outside my life is great - lovely DH married 20 years, 2 older teen DCs, job which sounds exciting and a small circle of friends. But I often feel terribly, terribly lonely. As I get older it seems harder to meet with friends, and when we do meet it often feels like it’s just pleasantries, it’s hard to find a real connection. I really miss the days when I’d see folk in the playground and chat every day.

I work full time in a job which sounds exciting, but in reality I’m very bored with and it’s hard to have friends at work as it’s a small office and I’m the manager 🙁. I have no motivation, and it’s hard to move careers in your 50s!

DH is lovely, but has no social life outside of the family - it’s me that does ALL the arranging. which gets tiring and means we have an ever shrinking circle of friends.

I also feel like this is a whole bunch of moaning! But it’s hard to feel positive at the moment.

you are not alone x

Thank you for understanding @QueefQueen80s 💐