Extremely low and lonely

[Bridgertafuck]

I’ve tried joining clubs, hobbies, volunteering. I think there is something seriously wrong with me as I feel I have no purpose in life despite being married to DH for nearly 20 years and two DC who are teens.

I’m on HRT and it helps with physical symptoms but I’m clueless as to why I can’t shrug off this low feeling of loneliness and isolation. I’ve lost lots of friends over the years and it seems to have got worse since I left work to set up on my own.

I’m nog sure what I want, just some comfort or suggestions as it’s making me feel like what’s the point in going on. Anyone else feel like this?

@corduroyblues @coldchipsfortea thank you for your replies and support. I think the sandwich generation is a very apt description for the challenges for women (and men). I don’t mind having acquaintances but as you said I miss daily and real chats/ connections like when my DC were younger. I too feel I’m not being authentic in my interactions.

My DH would be happy living like a monk, I’ve become introverted over the years being with him when I used to be more social and invite everyone round. DC have friends over but it’s hard to get the ever decreasing circle of my friends over as DH is awkward. He is from a family who never socialised and as I’ve got older I’ve realised I’m becoming that way too. It could also be my hormones. I just don’t feel I can do this anymore with him.

I think my whole thread is a moan! I’m grateful that I can on here.

@SequinDiscoBiscuits I hope HRT helps, it is mildly helping with physical symptoms, I need to give it more time with emotional ones. Both you and @SapatSea said we have to accept this but I really don’t want to! It hurts that some are able to still have social engagement and fun, whilst others have struggled as we’ve gotten older to hold onto those connections.

Bridgertafuck

If you are planning to leave your husband...are you happy to live alone (potentially)? I'm not saying don't do it but this is a consideration you need to confront and I'd be wary of making a huge decision during menopause.

Your issue with socialising could well be linked to hormones. I know it isn't helped by having a dh who isn't into socialising - I have one of these too. I am usually the instigator for doing things and like you I've got a bit fed up with it as I feel much less inclined with the menopause and really wish someone else would take the lead. However, I've realised this isn't going to change so I am just trying to get out there and keep trying new things by myself.

Absolutely get the feelings of isolation and loneliness. When I ran this past my therapist she seemed to infer that these feelings start within oneself. I have a history which leaves me prone to depression but I've not known anything like this in a long while...not since I had pnd. What a rough ride this is.

Think there is alot of anxiety during menopause. Nobody puts in efforts now to meet its hard. Then a date to suit everyone. Months can pass. I went cinema today nice get out

I think this is great advice. I know how you feel and at times felt so stuck. Taking that step to change life felt impossible. But if you take one tiny step towards change (starting with something small that you feel perhaps is achievable. I started walking to the station rather than taking the tube so that I had 25 more mins to myself), it can be a great start to gain confidence to take a slightly bigger step. Sending you a big hug. It's not easy, but you have it in you to make changes!

Thanks all for your comments and suggestions.

@Mary46 @corduroyblues If it is menopause related, will it get better? I don’t hear the positives of this time of our life, more so the negatives and many saying they feel anxious, stressed and low including myself.

@Franklyfrank did you go on your own? I want to be that brave!

My loneliness is also as a result of DH being difficult and obtuse, he really does make me feel worse.

I just miss being able to have fun and proper silliness and fun! I can’t think of the last time I was like that with anyone, as @coldchipsfortea said, it’s just pleasantries with friends when you meet up. I wouldn’t dare talk about this too much as I think people feel misery is ‘catching’ if that makes sense? Also I’m embarrassed to admit I feel lonely and unhappy too. Again the reason being they won’t care or feel it’s catching. DH behaviour and lack of support makes me feel it will be received by them the same way.

I wouldn’t dare talk about this too much as I think people feel misery is ‘catching’ if that makes sense? Also I’m embarrassed to admit I feel lonely and unhappy too. Again the reason being they won’t care or feel it’s catching.

Yes to the above. And, I'm not sure how other people are going to resolve this - they'll just put their heads down and get on with their own lives - they can't resolve it for me - it very much feels like a 'me' problem. I think it is a bit of a catch 22 situation. People tend to gravitate toward upbeat people I suppose and they perhaps get more opportunities as a result.

Your post has brought up some stuff for me. I climbed out of a period of isolation and low confidence, enjoyed my new job and a lovely social life for a few years. But I'm slipping back, have not made much effort to instigate social contact, as I feel people won't want to hear from me. This lack of confidence I think comes from being in an unsupportive and unfulfilling relationship, but also worrying I'm the problem. It feels like our situations are quite similar @Bridgertafuck. I'm full of self-doubt. But I've done it before, so know that with small steps I'll make positive changes.

I think this is very common at this age. You pour so much of yourself into the DC; then they leave and never call. :( But of course they have their own lives.
Meanwhile friends drift or move away or die! I am also WFH and I am finding that hard to change as there are not many opportunities for the 50+.

Things that have helped: Meeting younger people through Meetup groups
Joining a book club
Lots of exercise
DH is also a terrible introvert but he will come with me to plays and movies

I think a feeling of disconnection is very normal at this age. I am shortly starting HRT after a battle to get it. Hope it helps.

Feeling Blah

Anhedonia. That's exactly how I feel.

@Bridgertafuck read The happiness curve. Game changer!

I'm feeling what can only be described as a wall of grief - some of the things I am grieving about have happened and some haven't (yet). When I made some comment to dh about him not wanting to hear about how I feel or what I was thinking (he knows I am in a low mood), he said "why should I want to think about that?" i.e. that he doesn't want to be dragged down or something by my low mood. When I do try and talk about my future anxieties he says "why worry about something that hasn't happened?" It's like all my difficult feelings are dismissed.

My feelings where completely dismissed in childhood. It's like nobody can be bothered to listen (unless you pay them to via therapy which I have).

I do have a few friends but they don't seem to get it either or I am encouraged to look for the positive (which I do at times and am extremely grateful for a lot) or that everyone else is holding it together so just get on with it. But I think the main issue is being heard.

Anhedonia is exactly how I feel. I'm pushing myself to do one or two activities but I've got a 'what's the point attitude going around in my head.' and I feel like I'm going through the motions. Lacking a distinct purpose maybe is at the root of it. I had what I thought was a purposeful job years ago but in the end realised I wasn't really valued. I have one hobby that I used to enjoy but I'm struggling to do that now. I'm trying to start my own small scale on-line business but there again it is more of an interest and not something that is particularly purposeful. I don't feel I've got the confidence or the get up and go to re-train in something else (not that I know what that something else would be).

What makes it feel worse is that there are people in a perceived 'worse' life situation (from the outside) to me yet they seem to be getting on with their lives/happy to be living without any great sense of purpose...helped by the fact they seem to be socialising well. It shouldn't be this difficult should it?

Started taking HRT (feeling slightly less anxious) but feeling tired/lacking energy which doesn't help the above either.

Have ordered the happiness curve.

I honestly think I'll end up living with a dog (or two) and ramble to them at this rate. Sorry for the epic post.

When I do try and talk about my future anxieties he says "why worry about something that hasn't happened?" It's like all my difficult feelings are dismissed.

I hear you on this. Everybody has compassion fatigue, even our husbands. It's why I love MN. Would the Samaritans helpline help you? I have found it useful to dump my anxieties, so to speak. And it's free.

I am afraid exercise, while boring, does help me with my anxiety and tiredness.

Sorry for the time it has taken to reply. Dh, friends don’t seem to get it or want to empathise? I’ve taken active steps to do the suggestions you’ve made @Franklyfrank @GeriKellmansUpdo @corduroyblues . I totally get the anhedonia in fact I had to look it up! I’m in a battle with this awful feeling but this weekend I feel angry at the lack of interest and selfishness of so called friends. I make every effort to listen, text understand and I just feel I get nothing in return!

@BuddhaAtSea thanks for the book recommendation. Will order once I’ve read if it’s for me.

I’m feeling more angry and fed up of others actions today. I’m just trying slowly to do my own thing. It is hard when the hormones get in the way though.

I have read the Happiness Curve and yes, it makes a lot of sense and leaves me feeling less alone in how I am feeling. I'm planning to re-read.

I wish there were more womens groups where you could gather and talk about this kind of thing.

I feel the exact same, when the DC were young we moved to a new area and I had a group of toddler Mum friends and socialised with them, as the years went on some moved away and some well I realised that one was a complete user and one was only ever about herself too. I know maybe have one friend in this area. Work is a bit meh as well. In addition I have a chronic illness so exercise is a no go and quite often if I’m not in work I’m in bed.

Then of course the menopause came and has pushed me over the edge HRT barely helping. I feel like I exist not live. I don’t even like my family that much, the DC are well just DC. DH tries but today he said I was in a “mood” yesterday. Yesterday I was so down I spent most of it in tears, I was so sore, tired and emotional and he said I was in a mood.

Can you- and others on this thread- try to bring some awe and wonder into your life? Do something totally different?Not easy, of course.

I am lucky to be in London where there is so much to do. Yesterday I went to a Vivaldi concert for £6.50 with DH. It helped dissipate the anhedonia for a while, though it has returned today! But every little helps.

Geri I guess there is a fair bit going on in London.

I have tried shaking things up a bit - working on developing new hobbies etc. Everything is feeling a bit samey so I understand where you are coming from when you suggest do something totally different.

Yes, i want a bit of silliness and fun too. It feel like ages since I had a good laugh. In a way it feels like I want to re-live my twenties which weren't all fun but felt a bit more adventurous. I could probably do with a group of friends who are outgoing and sociable who would encourage me to do likewise (my good friends tends to be quieter and more introverted and I'm not easily drawn toward people who are outgoing). Also, I do tend to spend time doing hobbies with people who are older than me. My same aged friends don't seem so inspired to try new things/hobbies etc. And as for younger people...not sure where they are...probably into extreme sport/running etc. I feel like I'm caught in a strange space between ages, not fitting comfortably into either.

I wfh part-time but I'm looking into using a co-working space - there are a mix of ages that use this space so I'll see where this goes.

I have a quiet dh who doesn't socialise much so no circle of friends through him either.

I've not rung the samaritans but I do have therapy (but could do with it more regularly) as I always leave feeling in better spirits (if not a bit poorer).

Exercise would be good too. Just feeling tired currently and my get up and go seems to have got up and gone.

@corduroyblues I’m glad you enjoyed the book, I very much did too.
Shifting the focus from ourselves to US takes a bit of time. Is that what they mean when they say you become older and wiser? 😂

I have a very dear friend who sets herself a new task every year. One of them (when I met her, and how I met her) she was saying yes to everything. Another year she took her bike on the train up to Scotland and cycled around some island or something. Another goal rather than losing weight, that’s how she put it 😂😂

Is there an Action for Happiness course near you? Try it, I really enjoyed it.