Ideas to make new Grandma feel involved without moving in

[Kailee]

I am due to have a baby in a couple of months' time.

My mum is besides herself with excitement (understandable, first GC) and wants to help out.

Her idea is to take a week off work and move in with us to help, take baby for walks so that I can sleep and shower etc. I hate the thought of being separated from my baby and she's not even here yet so I know I can't say yes. She lives a 90 minute drive away.

My mum has promised to be on her best behaviour and follow all my instructions 🙄 but I just know from experience that will last all of a few hours and she'll be back to doing what she wants and I'll be stressed.

That being said, I don't want to preclude her from having a relationship with her grandchildren and I want to find ways to compromise her feeling involved without moving in and steamrolling over my recovery and bonding time. DP will be at home for a month after the birth as well.

As background:

She was just 21 when she had me, and she went to stay with her parents for about a month?? after giving birth. And my grandmother taught her how to care for a baby etc. She then left me with my grandparents for several years while she finished her degree and started her career in teaching. Her husband was nowhere to be seen because obviously babies are women's work 🤨

She was very close to her mum. I am not close to her at all. In fact it takes a lot of effort to be civil, I am an angry little ball of barbed wire on the inside.

But I am trying my best to please hit me with some ideas!!

I think you might be pleasantly surprised to have your mum around when you want to sleep or shower. It's only for a week as well, it's not permanent.

I'd also invite her after DH goes back to work, but only if you want to! I get on well with all my kids grandparents, but it can be overwhelming. I breastfed and from the beginning I'd take myself away to do it, saying that baby was so nosey that if there was stuff to watch they wouldn't feed. It gave me a lovely time out, and then the baby would nap and I'd stay with them, so it didn't get overwhelming.

Would you feel comfortable enough to thank her for the offer but say as your husband will be at home for the first month you will respectfully decline as you are looking forward to bonding time as a new family? You could always arrange in advance to meet up with her for the odd lunch/coffee.

My parents stayed in an airbnb at our block of flats for a few days. We went there for food, someone held the baby, there was company while DP and I juggled naps. I wouldn't have wanted them in my house as we navigated things, but having them on call was very useful. Having said that, DP and I both like my parents and know that they wouldn't do anything we wouldn't want (at least not in the immediate aftermath of the birth!) For instance, that never took DS out by himself. They're impossible to offend as well, so that was reassuring.

DP's mum came to visit for a day, then we stayed with her for a long weekend about 3 weeks in. DP finds her quite stressful, so wanted us to find our feet first before long exposure. Could you visit your mum later in the month off that you and DP have?

Having her stay after your h returns to work will probably be the most useful. (I'm assuming that she is likely to steamroll over your h's feelings too and you don't want to fall out with your h)

Definitely don't agree to this.

I'd just say thanks but your DP is going to be at home so there's no need for her to come and stay and suggest she comes for the day, once a week maybe? That's plenty for her to start building a relationship with her grandchild.

Sounds like she wants to do for you what her parents did for her but the situations are not the same.

I'd say no thankyou to staying for a week, but I will kindly accept the offer of some homemade batch meals I can freeze please.
Then arrange with her a regular day once a week, to meet up with baby.
You don't need the added stress of a house guest with a first born.
Trust me, been there with my own mother.

Wow, that was quicker than expected.

Why are you dismissing OP and making out she should have her mother to stay when she doesn't want to?

OP I think it's ok in your circumstances just to say to her that it isn't what you want for after baby arrives. You have to prioritise your own health and feelings over hers.

Send her this book... but only after you have read it first pinterandmartin.com/why-postnatal-recovery-matters.

Take some time now to think about what you want, sit down with your partner and talk through what might be helpful as well as what will not be helpful.

If you plan to breastfeed, maybe find some information on attachment parenting to share with her... while offering her jobs that she can do, laundry, shopping, maybe cooking.

Point out that your partner will be there for the first month so it would not make sense for her to stay a whole week but maybe she could come for a few days and come again after he goes back to work?

Whatever you do, she is likely to feel judged on how she parented you... be prepared for that and I would suggest that you back away from any discussions of that nature. I found that having my own children really brought up some uncomfortable feelings about my own upbringing and I had a wonderful perinatal counsellor who helped me through this phase.

I also found it difficult to accept food or grocery shopping when my parents ignored my instructions and bought or made me what they thought I should eat.

Know that while many people have families who do this for them after birth and welcome it, there are also many for whom this is difficult. Put your needs first in this.

She may or may not have felt supported when she had you, it might be an opportunity to gently explore what she thought was good about what she did, while exploring how she can support you in a way that feels right for you.

Good luck - keep your DP by your side and on your side, fully informed of what your wishes are.

Bloody hell op is having 1 baby. Nobody needs a house guest to help! If it were triplets then yes great... Send her a knitting pattern and a recipe book. Tell her she can visit like regular dgps dp. She doesn't need to bring a bloody suitcase!
My dm lived various milage when I had mine.. Turned up, did the ironing, made cups of tea and travelled home. Even 90mins away. Never slept over!! Or snatched my newborn off me to walk it!!

My mother didn't come and stay, but only lived a 10-15 minute drive away. I did see her every day though, but we are pretty close. She'd stop by, sometimes with my dad and bring a meal, or do some laundry, just sit and have a cup of tea and a baby cuddle.

You could ask her to stay nearby, but not in your home. I'm close to my mum but would not want anyone staying at my house! She could then pop in each afternoon for a cuddle and to help out, but then go home after a few hours.

What does your OH think?

My aunt invited herself for 2 weeks (my mums passed)and as much as I love my aunt, it was a PITA, she tried to help but there was a constant stream of questions and me explaining where things went or how the washing machine works type questions, it never got any easier and was someone else to worry about when all I wanted to do was veg on the sofa with my new baby.

My DM lived fifteen minutes away and we saw her once a week. PIL were an hour away. We managed perfectly well. No 'help' required.
If it takes an effort to be civil under normal circumstances this won't magically be resolved with a new baby. In fact minor annoyances are likely to be magnified.
You'r setting a precedent here as to her wants being met and her expected level of involvement going forward so be careful.

Firstly don’t commit to anything. Tell her your midwife has said that the first days at home should be parents and baby only with just short daytime family visits if you are feeling up to it.

When the baby arrives you can decide if and when she will be welcome. Feeling like a knot of barbed wire isn’t conducive to a happy visit! I’d suggest making any visits a lot less than a week and planning lots of useful little jobs she can do. Obviously do include her in some nice baby stuff but you certainly don’t have to let her take the baby out or do anything you don’t feel comfortable with.

Beware she MIGHT be trying to do some of the early mothering that she may have missed out on if her own mother took on a dominant role. You noticing that will help navigate any tricky times, especially if your DH is totally on board.

This is actually what I said in the beginning! When we announced the pregnancy she said she was taking 6 months off to help 🤨 I couldn't tell if she was serious (she has a mortgage to pay after all) and immediately said no, we want to spend time with the baby and find our feet as parents.

She was very disappointed and didn't say a word for months until yesterday/mother's day.

Yes, she's normally on good behaviour with my DP but she's getting a bit comfortable recently and they actually had an argument over Christmas for the first time in almost a decade 😬

I don't think I want her to stay at all to be honest. Aside from finding her quite overbearing, she's the sort of person who needs to talk constantly whereas I like my peace and quiet.

What I'd really like is ideas for how she could be involved without any sleepovers, I think maybe visiting for a day is my best bet?

I also don't want her touching my laundry or cleaning my house 😶 so I'd probably feel like I had to stage the place before she comes over. Gah!!

Her staying clearly isn't going to work so you need to manage her expectations now. Be polite but be direct. Just from what you've said about her, I think having her stay for a week would be a huge mistake.

I had my mum for the first 2 weeks, she did the night feed so we could sleep

OP listen to that angry ball of barbed wire. Why do need to placate her? Why do you feel it's so important that she gets to be a grandmother when she was such a poor mother? Do you really want to expose your precious baby to her?

Tell her that you don't need her there and she shouldn't come. One thing you'll find when the baby's here is that it gets easier to put boundaries in place when it might affect them.

Initially I was going to suggest saying there would be no need, as your dh has a month off, and that you can see how you feel after he goes back to work.

With your later posts though, I think you just need to say "No. Thanks for the offer, but dh and I will parent between us. It will be lovely to see you when you visit for the day, but we want to really settle in to parenting before having anyone come to stay overnight."

Find a plan that might work... maybe a nice local B&B with a chatty owner and arrange weekly visits for 30 hours booked and by you.

For laundry, cleaning and food, come up with a plan... get a cleaner, batch cook, find a cooking service..

And then find tasks for your mother that you are happy for her to do...

Lay out your post partum plan... and keep reiterating it.. ignore comments that attempt to derail your plan..

"I want to help'.. 'this is the help we need'.. 'we love seeing you every week'.. 'it is great that you can come and help on the day I go for my massage / osteopath appointment'.. 'come to baby yoga / John Lewis / The Garden Centre with us'.. my mum always behaved better in public.

Don't be tempted to give in.

I'm like you - I don't want anyone doing my cleaning or my laundry. My MIL tried a number of times with first DC and I hated it. The idea of worrying about someone staying over and being around all the time for me is more stressful than the benefits of any 'help' you might get from them.

Don't feel bad about stating what you want. You can do it politely, and whilst thanking her for her offer. If she sulks, or gets angry, or acts offended, then she's showing you that she was only doing it for herself in the first place.

If she genuinely wants to help, then she will want to be guided by you, and what would be helpful.

She can still be involved as a GM (as much as you want her to be!) - a day visit / weekend stay perhaps when your baby is a few months old and you're in a routine of sorts.

Don't let her convince you that you're taking away some normal rite of passage from her..... I don't know of a single friend of mine whose Mum or MIL came to stay after baby was born.