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Original poster

Ideas to make new Grandma feel involved without moving in

46 replies

Kailee · 20/03/2023 11:14

I am due to have a baby in a couple of months' time.

My mum is besides herself with excitement (understandable, first GC) and wants to help out.

Her idea is to take a week off work and move in with us to help, take baby for walks so that I can sleep and shower etc. I hate the thought of being separated from my baby and she's not even here yet so I know I can't say yes. She lives a 90 minute drive away.

My mum has promised to be on her best behaviour and follow all my instructions 🙄 but I just know from experience that will last all of a few hours and she'll be back to doing what she wants and I'll be stressed.

That being said, I don't want to preclude her from having a relationship with her grandchildren and I want to find ways to compromise her feeling involved without moving in and steamrolling over my recovery and bonding time. DP will be at home for a month after the birth as well.

As background:

She was just 21 when she had me, and she went to stay with her parents for about a month?? after giving birth. And my grandmother taught her how to care for a baby etc. She then left me with my grandparents for several years while she finished her degree and started her career in teaching. Her husband was nowhere to be seen because obviously babies are women's work 🤨

She was very close to her mum. I am not close to her at all. In fact it takes a lot of effort to be civil, I am an angry little ball of barbed wire on the inside.

But I am trying my best to please hit me with some ideas!!

OP posts:

piedbeauty · 21/03/2023 08:23

You should be the priority: you will be bonding with your baby and recovering. If you think your mum will just bring you more stress, then you have to tell her.

If you're an angry ball of stress now, that will be worse after birth, with lack of sleep and hormones kicking in.

It doesn't sound like you and your mum have the kind of relationship where she will listen to you.

Just say that you and dh want to bond with your baby together but she will be welcome to come over for coffees etc.

piedbeauty · 21/03/2023 10:27

And you may have to tell her that this is YOUR baby: she did things her way with her dc, but now it's your turn.

Maybe she's feeling guilty for how she parented you as a baby and wants to make amends now?

EyesOnThePies · 21/03/2023 10:39

I would suggest a quick visit to see the new baby, but not moving in for a week until your DP goes back to work.

Your DP is taking paternity leave precisely to take care of the baby alongside you. This is the period when the two of you bond as parents and learn about your baby together. My Dad always spoke about how undermined and sidelined he felt as a father because my grandmother was so present during the newborn phase.

Obviously it depends a lot on the various personalities involved, but you are already concerned.

A 90 min drive is an easy day trip for visits before your DP returns for work.

Stand your ground.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/03/2023 10:41

WandaWonder · Yesterday 21:16
I had my mum for the first 2 weeks, she did the night feed so we could sleep“

Which you were happy with . OP isn’t.

gogohmm · 21/03/2023 11:12

I would suggest that she books the week after your dp is back at work, assuming they get 2 weeks. But make it Monday to Friday not a full week (4 nights) it is very useful having an extra pair of hands in the early days, plus by week three you might be wanting to go out more, and again having her to drive would be useful

smashinggrapes · 21/03/2023 11:23

I honestly don't understand the drama over having a shower. It's mentioned every time someone has a baby. Why wouldn't you be able to get a shower?

Just tell her, "no offence mum but I get stressed having people to stay and I'm much happier just doing things my own way. I know you're only wanting to help and I appreciate the offer but I will be fine"

londonloves · 21/03/2023 12:01

My absolutely biggest regret about the early days was not putting firmer boundaries in place with my mum. It has caused massive problems ever since. Stick to your guns.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 21/03/2023 12:25

But I am trying my best to please hit me with some ideas!!

You don't need any ideas, you just need to deal honestly with your mother.

"Love that you're so excited mum, but DH & I will be in our own little bubble for that first week. Of course you can come to visit, but we won't be having anybody to stay overnight."

Original poster

Kailee · 21/03/2023 12:30

UsingChangeofName · 21/03/2023 05:05

Initially I was going to suggest saying there would be no need, as your dh has a month off, and that you can see how you feel after he goes back to work.

With your later posts though, I think you just need to say "No. Thanks for the offer, but dh and I will parent between us. It will be lovely to see you when you visit for the day, but we want to really settle in to parenting before having anyone come to stay overnight."

This is basically what I ended up messaging her and she immediately responded that I misunderstood her message!! She said she wasn't asking to stay over but to come over in the day to help out!

I literally had to scroll up and take a screenshot of her original messages to make sure that I wasn't going crazy.

She's still wheeling out the "I want to help" line and I feel like we're going round in circles.

I think I'm just not going to respond for a few days, her tactics usually involve battles of attrition.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kailee · 21/03/2023 12:38

piedbeauty · 21/03/2023 10:27

And you may have to tell her that this is YOUR baby: she did things her way with her dc, but now it's your turn.

Maybe she's feeling guilty for how she parented you as a baby and wants to make amends now?

Possibly guilty, but I doubt it. She had other DC after me and was home for that/long way away from her parents by then so didn't have that same level of "support".

I think she just wants to prance around with the pram and baby. She's the sort of person who wants to feel useful, clever and needed regardless of what you need or want from her. She wants to teach us to bathe the baby for example, even though we've signed up for parenting classes and would struggle to get 3 people into our tiny bathroom.

I hosted Christmas for the first (and last) time last year and she was "trying to help" by rearranging the table and making huge fruit platters for dessert while the turkey was still cooking and no one wanted any fruit anyway.

It's small/silly things but they're very annoying in the moment especially if they go directly against what you've requested.

Another time she came over for a visit and started trying to clean my house (which DP and I had already panic cleaned before her arrival) and I had to shout to get her to stop and she got very upset with me that I shouted, but she wouldn't listen when I said no stop it nicely.

OP posts:

Mortimercat · 21/03/2023 12:44

Slimemonster · 20/03/2023 11:24

I'd say no thankyou to staying for a week, but I will kindly accept the offer of some homemade batch meals I can freeze please.
Then arrange with her a regular day once a week, to meet up with baby.
You don't need the added stress of a house guest with a first born.
Trust me, been there with my own mother.

She hasn’t offered to batch cook meals? . Why would OP be so passive aggressive and rude.

OP should politely turn down the suggestion of her mother coming to stay.

smashinggrapes · 21/03/2023 13:21

Batch meals 🤣

The OP is just having a baby. That's all, it's been done billions of times over. She doesn't need to batch cook or freeze meals or panic about not getting a shower. Her husband is at home for a month too.

Karatema · 21/03/2023 13:26

My DM-i-L came to stay for a week but I knew I could rely on her not to take over! I really appreciated the meals she cooked and I was EBF so she couldn't help with that! However, DS was 2 months old by the time she stayed because she said "you'll have loads of visitors in the first 6 weeks so won't need help from me!" How right she was!
However, you know your DM and must do what's right for you;

CleaningOutMyCloset · 21/03/2023 13:37

I don't have a particular great relationship with my Mum, but she was an absolute god send after I had my dd. She came to stay and was so helpful, she gave me time to look after and get to know my dd, she did bits of housework and cooking and pretty much kept me sane

henrilechat · 21/03/2023 14:52

She wants to teach you how to bathe your baby?? It's not that hard! And first baths are something for the parents surely.
We had a similar issue with my mil and like one of the posters upthread, one of my biggest regrets is not putting firmer boundaries in place in the early days so we're having to renegotiate our relationship now which is tricky.
You need to do what's right for you and your family after the birth, you don't need to be dealing with extra stress. It sounds like the visit is very much for her benefit, not yours.
I would recommend you try and see a therapist at some point though so you can work out how to feel more comfortable with your relationship with your mother (not so you can let her do whatever she wants, so that you can feel less angry and more able to be boundaried)

Ormally · 21/03/2023 15:05

It's small/silly things but they're very annoying in the moment especially if they go directly against what you've requested.

This tells you all you need to be aware of.
She does not listen when you ask nicely, and she won't leave things alone if she hasn't had a hand on or in them. Your (and your DH and your baby's) wishes won't come into it.

If she comes to stay, I think she will have a rosy view of her role, put the 'daughter hat' back on you, and you will end up either very stressed or falling out. I have a milder version of this syndrome from both my DM and MIL (who is the compulsive cleaner, because it's not done properly if she hasn't done it).

You are going to need to be very strong here and tactful but with a proper No. It carries on, I'm afraid.

CovertImage · 21/03/2023 15:12

Gymnopedie · 21/03/2023 01:34

OP listen to that angry ball of barbed wire. Why do need to placate her? Why do you feel it's so important that she gets to be a grandmother when she was such a poor mother? Do you really want to expose your precious baby to her?

Tell her that you don't need her there and she shouldn't come. One thing you'll find when the baby's here is that it gets easier to put boundaries in place when it might affect them.

Unless OP actually hates her mother, this is a nasty, mean-spirited bit of advice

33goingon64 · 21/03/2023 16:46

Tell her she'd be welcome to come once DH is back at work, or at least 2 weeks after birth. You need to get to grips with feeding etc without others 'helping'. Tell her this and be very clear. You and your baby are the priority, not your Mum.

Slimemonster · 21/03/2023 16:56

Mortimercat · 21/03/2023 12:44

She hasn’t offered to batch cook meals? . Why would OP be so passive aggressive and rude.

OP should politely turn down the suggestion of her mother coming to stay.

Show quote history

Not in a passive aggressive way, obviously.
Just in a 'if you want to do something helpful you could do this or this, or even this' kind of way.
Point stands that she doesn't need a house guest with a newborn.
Haven't you already had your other comments deleted....

Whatonearth07957 · 22/03/2023 19:24

Prioritise yourself and your baby. You don't need to accommodate the demands of help if it'll be anything but. That angry feeling... Listen to it. You don't need extra stress with your partner either. Say play by ear and a one day visit then book in depending on how you're getting on.

nildesparandum · 22/03/2023 19:40

I do not want to alarm you OP, but in my experience of the early days of baby, the happy willing grandmother stage soon looses it's novelty.
When your baby reaches the toddler stage, when you need eyes in the back of your head, some once doting grandmothers suddenly become unavailable when you need some childcare.
I am a grandmother and a great grandmother but never rushed straight in , I would wait until asked, as I had learned my lesson at the start.

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