He pushed me on mother's day

[Itsmeagain2]

Here I am again. Today's push was because we was arguing all weekend over him lying about his financial situation to me for years and now debt collectors are involved. Things escalated and i said I was going to take his console. Petty I know but I was fuming. He then proceeded to run up behind me and instead of taking his console away pushed me down. Luckily the sofa was near me and I fell onto it. Our 2 year old was watching.

Spent the whole of mother's day crying! This time it was my fault for going for his console, what else was he meant to do. Last time it was because I angered him. The time before that it was because I took his phone off him since he likes to go on it when I'm talking to him about serious matters to purposefully ignore and annoy me. Either way its all my fault.

I know I should leave. I'm validating his actions just as much as he justifies them by staying.

I don't love him anymore. I don't like him anymore. He cried afterwards and said he hasnt been himself since the stress of money. He said he will get help. I've heard this all before. I don't think he truly believes he has a problem.

why can't I leave. What's wrong with me? It's like I'm purposefully tormenting myself by staying in my own misery. Misery is all I know. My dad used to hit me too. All the men in my life has abused me whether it's sexually or physically. It must just be me.

It’s not you, it’s them.

have you looked at the freedom program with the womens aid? It may really help.

most of all don’t blame yourself, his reactions are not normal adult reactions and he has the problem. He is just taking it out on you x

@Aussette no I haven't. I have seen it mentioned on here alot though. I will google it x

why can't I leave. What's wrong with me? It's like I'm purposefully tormenting myself by staying in my own misery. Misery is all I know. My dad used to hit me too. All the men in my life has abused me whether it's sexually or physically. It must just be me

Is that what you want for your child? You have a toddler who is soaking all this stuff up. You need to get rid of this person for your kid.

It must just be me.

Oh, my love - it's absolutely not you. You grew up in an abusive family so that's what you knew to be normal (or if not normal, unsurprising). You now know it's not and that it's definitely not something you want your daughter to experience.

What RL support have you got, or can get, to help you to leave? What's your financial situation? Do you have friends or extended family who can help?

You've recognised that you don't love him and you don't want to stay with him. These are massive steps. You say you can't leave. What do you think would help you to go? Physical help? Or emotional support? Can you identify where you could get these from?

I think when you’re in this cycle of stress you’re just counting on surviving, you feel you can’t change anything, you just want it to be quiet, calm again. That’s how I felt until he threatened to kill me and I realised I had to get out.
Once I’d made the decision and started things rolling it all fell into place. I got another job, then could find somewhere to live nearby, then I left.
Start your exit planning as this situation is not going to improve.

So practically how would your housing situation work if you split? Rented? Owned? Who's name?
Who's name is the debt in? Who works? Who's claims any benefits? Who could you tell irl to help with a move or childcare?
Lots to consider.. Most important factor is your mental health would improve enabling you to manage to run a home /job /raise a dc and self care too! Being in an abusive relationship drags you down. Being free is liberating.. Just knowing I could watch whatever I wanted on TV was great! Sometimes the thought of the simple things can spur you on.

You need to give yourself a talking to and get on with leaving him. He’s shit and you know it. His pathetic crying is just a way to get you to forgive him. You know this. It’s not your fault, I feel for you.

However, I don’t feel sympathy for you not leaving as you are exposing your two year old to this behaviour. You seem surprised he would do it in front of them but it will escalate if you let this go. Do it for your child and leave. He’s financially shit as well so what are you worried about?

@MarshaMelrose I've got no where to go. No rl support either really. I have family but they are all so heavily engrossed in their own stuff and I've been at this point with my partner so many times before it's like crying wolf.

I guess I'm just so scared. I only know how to be miserable. I've done so much to work towards me. I thought I was strong. I got myself a job and invested in hobbies. But at the end of the day I'm still so incredibly unhappy with myself for allowing this.

I'm scared I'm making a mistake? Stupid I know but I live my partner and his family. This is all I've known and I'm so heavily intertwined. I will lose so many friends and people in my life. I'm scared of losing a potentional future (that I know I don't have) like another child and marriage. I'm scared I will be making a mistake for dc and what I means for their life too.

My heads a mess so I hope this makes some sort of sense

So practically how would your housing situation work if you split? Rented? Owned? Who's name?
Who's name is the debt in? Who works? Who's claims any benefits? Who could you tell irl to help with a move or childcare?

Can you tell us some of these things? We might be able to make it feel a bit more doable than you might feel it is right now.

Have a big hug from me xx

You need to know something else other than abuse otherwise the cycle will continue with your child seeing further abuse too. That young person has seen more than enough already.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what yours taught you. You’ve been drawn to what is familiar to you, that’s become your normal. Your childhood set you up good and proper to be abused as an adult, that is all on the people who chose to abuse you. You are not responsible for their actions and choices.

Use Womens Aid resources to get you into a refuge. You need to be completely away from these people.

Okay so you’re scared of not having another child or getting married. Imagine having that child and marriage with him. You would be truly screwed then, responsible for his debt and in a much worst position.

You have done well to get a job, keep going with that. Talk to woman’s aid, they may have someone who can talk to you and make plans for leaving. They may be able to advise about housing. Does he work?

If I get married to him does the debt automatically become mine?

@Itsmeagain2 It makes perfect sense. Fortunately, I've never been in your particular situation but I've certainly been faced with choices that would mean I'd lose what I have on the risk that I'd get better. And just like you, sometimes I've been too scared to take that risk. So, on a much smaller scale than your situation, I, and I'm sure just about everyone on here, do understand.
Typically people who are in an abusive relationship were in some way abused as a child. There are all sorts of psycholigical reasons for that so don't get bogged down in a blame game. They're to blame, not you. You can't change the past but you can change your future. Would you do it for yourself? Maybe not. But think about your child. Whether they are male or female, it's not just them growing up in an abusive home, you're setting them up to follow the same path as you by entering abusive relationships as an adult, either as a victim or a perpetrator. You don't want that, I know.
So when you're considering your next step, don't think about your future, think about your child's and any future children's future and play your part in saving them from this cycle of abuse.
All you've known us crap. Why carry on living in it. Freedom is scary. But once you have it, you'll never want to lose it.

Say what now? You're thinking of marrying him? You've just written a post about how you don't love him and don't want to be with him and at the same time you want to marry him?

@MarshaMelrose my parents are divorced. I know how much that sucks and hurts. If I can I'd like to give my dc a nuclear family

Are there times when you and your partner can talk calmly about your relationship?

Don't inflict this man on your child for any longer than you absolutely have to. Please phone Women's Aid - they've heard your story a million times over and they can give you the support you need to get the hell away from this poor excuse for a human being.

You deserve better. This isn't living, it's existing

What's wrong with me

Only the fact that you think there's something wrong with you.

It must just be me

This is what's wrong. You don't have to believe this. And if you believe instead that there's nothing wrong with you, don't all these men in your life become hideous abusers who don't warrant your attention any further? If you give them all the responsibility for their own actions, doesn't it make it clear that your responsibility is to look after your own welfare, by walking away, free of self blame?

A nuclear family means shit when the father is abusive. Get that crazy stupid idea out of your head now. The best gift you can give your DD is leaving her dad.

Kindly, this is ridiculous. You've experieced what it's like to grow up in a violent household and you are trying to get that for your child by even considering marrying him? Why?

Is his behaviour something that you would like your children to model their behaviour on?

Yes, it does. So FFS don’t marry him.

You already don’t have a little nuclear family, because this man is abusive and you don’t love him. So your options are dysfunctional wife-beating family (and he’ll start on your child as well, once they are old enough to answer him back), or happy, secure little single parent family.

My dad died when I was a child. I never felt that my family with my mum was anything “less than” families with two parents.

A nuclear family of abuse? How long til he starts pushing your child. Then a small slap. Then a punch.
You lived in a nuclear family of abuse. How did that work out for you?

Well you need to stop taking things off him. He is a grown man not a child. These actions could provoke serious violence. It’s time to get help with the debt but seriously think about leaving. You can’t have stress like this and a two year old shouldn’t have to witness domestic abuse. The pair of you need to recognise that and sort your behaviour towards each other out pronto.